Feeling Abandoned

Have you ever feel being abandoned? I do. Thank God He didn't abandon me. But I'm still feeling being abandon by someone else. That's my boyfriend.

I don't mean that he literally abandon me or always, but occasionally. Like today, he invited a friend to church with us. Then we continue to have dinner together. However, he barely talks to me and I'm like faded off to the background.

Occasionally he turns to me to talk kit a word or two. I'm feeling like I'm disturbing them or I'm not part of the gang. Worst, I don't even feel like I'm like his boyfriend for that moment. I'm like merely a friend only.

It's not that good to feel that. Lately this is running in my head, how long will this relationship last? When I'll be past tense? When he will be married? Because he mentioned that he might one day fall in love with a lady and have a family.

This actually tears me apart. He will never understand the pain that I'm going through. My future with him is so insecure. I think he never want to plan his life with me in his future plan nor will he has me in his plan.

I've been thinking, according to pastor, we have to be real, be committed in your relationship. However, what is the point where we were so committed but we didn't include each other in our future plan? Will that part of God's plan for me?

I'm struggling to settle down my frustration and emotion about this but I'm getting no where. I've try to talk to him but we didn't go anywhere. I'm tired to confront him all the time and it's either we ignore the question or he will just tell me that he will still loves me.

Is there no true and everlasting love from a mortal beings that God ever created? Is really I won't gain peace in relationship in gay community? I might choose to live a gay life, but I didn't choose to be gay.

Despite that it's common that the gay circle usually not committed, but I see lots of good example of committed couples. People like Charles and Alwin, Anthony and Alvin, Danny and Sam, Alan and Patrick, and many more.

Lord, I love you and I know you loves me too. I know it's your special day and I did with my capability, I pledged to you an unexpected Christmas gift and I've fulfilled it. I'm just wishing that you could grant my Christmas wish, to send me my life partner and will share his life with me till the day you need me back. In Jesus name I pray, Amen..

Understanding

I believe that my relationship lack of understanding at times. We doesn't seems to have the same thinking or even able to know what each other needs in their heart. I don't mean mind reading but more on understanding that someone.

I believe I never fully understand him. He changes his idea, plans, etc. at a given period of time. That's all I know. Other than common things that he likes to eat, to drink, and hobbies, I found that I don't know much about his life. He seldom really talk to me about it.

Whereas me, I think I share so many stuff with him whether directly or indirectly about what I like and doesn't like. But it seems that he doesn't get it or perhaps always forget about it. I'm getting used to it and I have to or else huge disappointment again. I like pastor sermon regards to relationship. In one sense, you can't hope too much from a guy. They won't able to understand you.

He was me to be spontaneous. I wanted too but if I do, can he? I'm not spontaneous because I found it hard to have his time for me. I've plan ahead in order to have a confirmed time being with him. If I don't, I worry like last time, he will just forget about me and go on with his other stuff and I'll feel ignored.

Being spontaneous, does he do it too? I don't know. Things that I ask him, he will be spontaneous if he likes it. Well, toleration is crucial. He mentioned that if I'm spontaneous, he will be romantic. I doubt that actually. He is never those really romantic kind of guy. Like Charles, his boyfriend get him a soft toy when he get back to KL from his business trip. That's sweet.

Well, I shouldn't compare I know. I'm just giving a picture of what is romantic. You will do small little things to keep that someone feels that he is very important in your life and you treasure them. It might be small, but it's memorable. Other than small gift, it can be some trip, something that's memorable.

Seriously speaking, I know we won't have that. I've never go anywhere further than Klang Valley with him other than business related issue. Never been to places like Port Dickson, Melaka, Ipoh, Genting, Cameroon, iCity, Look Up Point, etc. I found that my memories with him rotate around gym, malls, restaurants, cinema, sauna, facial and spa centre, and church.

Lately I know that he found some revelation with God to walk to Christian path. Because of this, it does positively and negatively impact us. Positively, he is more loving person than before and he seems more monogamous and committed in the relationship. However, sex life become very dull to the extent that we haven't have sex approaching 2 months. We have no sex life, no fulfilment of sexual needs.

I know that he tried his best for me, but I just need him, to be proactive and makes me feel that he does want to spend time with me. I don't hope he just expect me to be with me when we both free and forget when we are caught up with our stuff. He is doesn't seems to able to do so, so be it. Like he have time to spend with me those important dates.

Incompatible or Intolerance

This issue is bothering me and I'm wondering are we at the edge of intolerance or we are incompatible. I felt that most of the time, he makes me feel that I'm troublesome, I'm annoying, I'm not trying to understand him. Whereas I personally feels that he didn't spend quality time with me, lack of caring, insensitive, not understanding my needs, and not trying to make me feel loved.

I know he loves me, he says it all the time. I know he cares for me, but more on my financial and religion. I know that he senses my needs when I sulk about it or directly tell him about it (which most of the time solved after a conflict). However, can he do something to makes me feel he really cares, really loves me, really treasure me?

There is so many things I can talk about but what is the point if there is no solutions to it. I don't know why am I crying while writing this. I guess I'm hurt is some sense. I felt that he become less of me, but more about himself only. Everything rotate about him, no longer about us. We have less things in common that we used to have.

Are we not trying to tolerate each other? Or are we simply not compatible? I believe that mild conflict, tolerance is important. However if there are major different directions of life and needs, then incompatibility comes in place. So where are we standing now already. I try to evade this question for very long time. The reason is because I fear of losing him. Because I know that he will never sit and discuss with me how to solve it.He is the person that either let my question die off, or just postpone my problem. At time, he will rather sacrifice me feeling about the solution that he wanted to came out with. I don't know whether I'm thinking too much or what. But I don't feel happy about it.

Like for example, today's scenario. He just mentioned to me that he wanted to pick me up to church tomorrow at 9.15am but I need to fetch my sister to work before 9.45am. I can't fetch her too early too. Even if I would like to drop my sister to work at 9.30am, by the time I get back home for him to pick me up already 9.45 - 9.50am. He didn't propose a solution but just complaining that we have to go to church and he definitely don't want to be late. Why can he offers to pick me and my sister up earlier and drop her to work while going to church?

Am I being self-centre that want everything revolves around me then? I'm not. I just want him to show he cares, not just leave it to you to deal with it. I'm a person that need love and care. If he wants me to be those tough man, I think he got the wrong person. Then I'll definitely not qualified to be his boyfriend and I would say we are getting no where. If he still wants me, can he be more sensitive about what and how I feel?

I might be talking this to a rectangular flat iPad, might be someone read this even him, but would this change anything or will it lead to ending of everything? I'm finally able to write this because I think I'm tired to try to be the one who tries to understand everything and try to tolerate it as nothing happened, hiding those feelings. Probably our communication break down already. I talk too much, nagging and annoying. I don't talk, I'm not trying hard. I really don't know what I should do already.

Since that he wants me to drive myself, there is no point for me to think about how he want to make it up this weekend issues I'm having and I've hinted him. Well, I think he never get my hint. So, I think there is no lunch and dinner with him. I'll most probably just head home after church and rot the whole weekends at home. I'm tired to be the one that cares about him and wanting to sparkles our relationship. If he wants me, I'll let him decide what he needs to do and want to do. However, I believe he loves his work, friends, and politics more than me.

Annoying Surprise

Today is the last day of my training program that organised by my company. I knew that he will be less likely to accompany me after the training (my intuition told me that). However, I was told by him that he might surprise me. I told him back that I feel unwanted surprises.

Indeed it turns out to be it, the annoying way. When we about to leave, he told me that he will be calling me to inform me about tonight. I told him back to just text me when he is home. He did that. Very well. So I suppose to wait for his call or probably surprises (which I presume the positive one will be he dining with me).

Frankly speaking, I don't have much faith on him that he will spend time with me by looking at him telling me that he might surprise me. I'm just expecting him to be honest with me, if he can't make it, don't give me false hope. At least inform me in advance and don't make me wait like an asshole.

I waited him to text me. First text was he was home and he needs a shower. So I waited some more for his reply on the 'surprise' he meant. Then time past and I can't wait any longer as I waited from 7.00pm to 8.00pm. If he can't eat with me, at least tell me earlier and I'll see what I can do. I'm actually disappointed with him. But nothing I can do. I believe he has his plan with his family already then. So I texted him that I'm not going to disturb him.

Later only he replied me that he is going to spend time with his family and will talk me later, and he will pick me up at 9.15am to church tomorrow. I'm totally depress with our relationship progress. It's like we are not getting anymore sparks and things happening is kinda routine. We begin to be less sensitive to our needs, our feelings, our thoughts, or expectation.

He might say that I'm over expecting, I'm possessive, I'm unreasonable, I'm emotional, I'm not understanding, etc. But is he providing what I really need? I don't know the answer. What do I really need from him? I'm not sure but I feel that he is not giving what I really need. But I never confronted him directly about this. I don't want to be seen as sulking all the time. But I'm sure he thinks of me that way all the time.

His late reply totally kills of my mood of the day, despite I don't have much mood today already. This 2 days training, even thought we sleep at the same room, I don't find we both utilize the favorable time for each other. Basically, he just sit in front of his computer and start all his political blogging. The moment he sleeps next to me is just to cuddle a little bit. Sex, it's more like I'm satisfying his needs, which is oral.

Well, I'm actually dare not to hope to have any sex with him because I don't know how he will be react. Usually, he just turn me off. He can't really read when I'm in needs, when I merely want to play about it. Perhaps I'm started to give up on this sex issue because I felt that there is no way he will sit down with me to settle or talk about this issue.

I'm totally no appetite to eat, therefore I'm skipping dinner again. When he read this, he will start to blame himself to me that he is bad, useless or negative stuff about him of not doing well. That's not what I want to hear. I want real solution or changes, not political talk. He should know very well about this.

I'm so down with the experience I'm going through with him lately. We become more religious and spiritual person, but our relationship become less salted. The spiritual needs that I'm opting for from him is fading from time to time without his reliazing it. He tooks up so many things and expect me to be understanding his situation. Did he try to reduce his ego of over proving himself to spare quality time for me? If he did, how come I can't sense it. Is the problem with me?

Disclaimer: All critiques is done during emotional status. Any bias, prejudice thoughts, harmful, insensitive, harsh, negative words, and related issues are truly regretted.

Unpleasant Evening

Today, my head is like having a super earthquake that doesn't settle down. That pain is so uncomfortable that I don't seems to have appetite. I don't even think I can think straight.

Last evening I'm already having migraine. I thought by resting overnight, it should gone away but this time no. It's my 'old pal' visit me again. The old me, when I'm still at my previous organisation, I'll take medical leave.

Anyway, this whole day I'm like super moody, emotional and sick. Well, not so much of emo, but really easily get annoy because of the unpleasant feeling of my headache even after I took some drugs.

Since today I've to attend my cousin's wedding, I can't have him spending time with me. Well, I do miss him but thinking I should also give him some private time so I didn't sulk about it.

The whole day feels like super uncomfortable. To make it worst, at my cousin's wedding, my grand uncle made a scene at the wedding dinner. He is drunk and drop by my table and call us a bunch of 'fa guat long', literally mean a bunch of bad kids in a rude way.

Then asked us address him. The worst thing in Chinese culture, to address different granduncle, there is some kind of different address for different level. How am I suppose to remember where I barely even meet him, don't talk about talk to him.

Making a scene at my table is not enough. Later he swears to his sister's son-in-law, threaten that he will beat him up. Such an idiotic situation that I suddenly feel my relative is lack of self control and lack of education. I don't know what is to word to describe it.

Then I home after all this stupid experience at the dinner. I thought to share it with my boyfriend and of course wanted to sulk to him about my headache. Only because he picked up my call the second time I called, and it sounds like at pretty quite place (e.g. coffee house), then I know that he is having a drink with his friend.

But usually if I call him, if he is with his friend, he would tell me who he is. But then this time, he didn't. It makes me think of something fishy. I hate this feeling. To think that he is flirting with others make me feel I'm a lousy boyfriend. To treat it like I'm think too much, but he doesn't seems to be honest to talk about it.

Is there something wrong? I asked him in the afternoon what he is doing for today. He told me that he is going to church. After church, if he hangs out with church mate or someone else, why can't he just tell me about it. It sounds fishy to just briefly mention a little and say bye.

I felt abandoned. I'm jealous of Charles having a night at his boyfriend's place because his boyfriend is flying to HK tomorrow if I'm not mistaken. Mine doesn't seems wanting me to spend a night with him do much nor he will spend a night at my place.

I think I expect too much from him. That's what he will say most of the time. And if he does treat me good, he will say that he spoilt me. The are times that I don't know he understands me needs or not. If he understand, will he be able to be the provider? I'm really clueless, perhaps I'm just evading to answer it myself.

There is a few more thing that frustrates me now but I'm just gonna leave it. No point addressing it here as it doesn't help. I don't know how to put it in words temporary and I don't wanna think of it now too. I'm having severe headache again.

In short, I hate today. I hate that I'm useless and keep on having headache. I'm hate that I'm broke even more as I need to sponsor my sister. I hate today's wedding dinner when my grand uncle making a scene. I hate that I'm feeling left out a little by my boyfriend and he might be hiding things from me.

Unreasonable Me?

Am I being unreasonable for showing my feeling of unhappiness and unsatisfactory? I thrown out a lot of my feeling to him the afternoon and I don't think he will be happy about it. I might just seems to be an unreasonable person to him and just another unsuitable person for him.

He mentioned that he also has a lot of stress, primarily if his parents found out that he is gay and attached to me. Did he think that it doesn't bother me too? If his parents found out, I'm not just gonna lose a job but also losing him. Did he knows about that? Who is in the worst condition now?

I'm frustrated of trying so hard to know more about him but he will always answer me superficially. I'm the one who always tell him everything that happen in my life. Probably he gets bored about it. I think I'll just silent about it next time. Let him just continue with his political issue and business talk to me and that's what our relationship topic based on most.

I don't know is it me being unreasonable or something is missing somewhere. I just hope that he can spend some time to clarify with me and solve it. But most of the time, the standard answer I will get is that he might not be able to satisfy me, I can go and source for someone that able to satisfy me, or he can't be a perfect boyfriend for me, etc.

I'm not asking him to be perfect. I just want everything we have problem, we can go through it together. Is that too much to ask? If I can so easy find someone else, it simply means that I don't love him anymore.

I know he can let go of me easily. That's what I think, I'm not sure he thinks that way or not. But he never give me a solid answer to this also. If one day his parents really found out (which I think is highly possible as how u want to hide it further when u reaches 30 something or 40 years old), I think he will easily let me go.

I don't know what is the future stands for me and him. Can I predict? I'll plan for the worst if you ask me. So how am I going to be not emotional. I'm not trying to be unreasonable or emotional all the time to him. I'm just too afraid to lose him. Ever he thought that of that or not?

He thinks that we have more problem after being official. It's not more, but more taken out to be discuss. When I'm not his official boyfriend, do I dare to even raise up such issue? Why would he cares about it? Me jealous o him sleeping around when I'm just another date only? I just hide my pain.

His fun sauna time, that had some soft sex with some guys, I'm already accept it. His past, I don't mind because we aren't official. But is wanting to know also cannot? I'm frustrated because I can't get him telling me about it. He only tell me briefly and then mentioned to me that he don't like talking about it.

If he don't like talking about sex issue, how am I going to share with him mine? He always tease me. Do he knows that I'm controlling myself so hard. Being horny for him and yet I get nothing from him. Seduce him but he is either tired or wrong timing. What he wants me to do? Slept with someone else because he doesn't mind? I think I need counselling for my sex life already. Should I be a slut or not? He don't even have the time to talk to me about this.

If you (I mean my boyfriend) read this. I just want you to know I love you but I don't know what to expect from you. I can't be hiding in the toilet crying about it. I just hope to have some time to talk to you and see what we can do to identify problem and satisfy needs.

It Is Easier To Say Than To Do

I'm feeling that I'm being stupid. I thought I can take it easily of those thing that I'll never expect from a boyfriend. However, it's really harder to accept it than to say it. Like the Chinese proverbs, "Needle does not poke to flesh, you won't feel the pain".

I do really feel uncomfortable when he mentioned that he wanted to go to sauna with his friends, Dave and his boyfriend. He did asked me to tag along. However, I don't think that's convenient.

He is having a forum to attend and he will be going there straight after the forum.I can't be waiting at the office till 9pm to meet them up right? The sauna is located at Damansara Uptown. If I went home then only head to the sauna, the distance kill me. Not to mention the time I get home, I'll probably no need to get to work already.

It's just makes me feel totally blank and I don't know what to expect. I know I have no reason to mad at him or even be unhappy about it. It's him from the beginning. I've to accept it. Fantasy kind of love life is not going to happen on me.

I hope my friend, Charles found his true love. Hope that all the romance he is having, all the tender and greatness about this boyfriend of his is everlasting. I don't hope he will experience things that I don't want to experience. I know the pain.

It's been awhile that he didn't follow my blog as he used to. So I think I'm free to blog about anything. By the time he read this, it's history already. Anyway, even this sauna issue consider history too. He already went for it and back home.

To say that I'm happy, of course not or else it simply means my heart is totally dead for him. I'm no longer loving him. To say that I'm super unhappy about it, I don't think I've the privilege to be. It's what we agreed upon before our relationship. If I wanted to make it an issue, it simply means I want this relationship to end.

I wonder do I need to try so hard to satisfy him? Will he be doing the same to me in the way I wanted it to be? Will he try his best to make me feel secure? How can I cope on with this issue again in the future? Dammit, I hope I can answer to all that. I'm f*cking hate myself being emotional over this issue.

Unpredictable Sex Life

I never thought of this issue will come up in this relationship of mine with my current boyfriend. Perhaps I never encounter such problem with my ex-boyfriend other than he wanting it too often. It has become an unpleasant topic for me to discuss with him.

As for many couple, discussing about sex life is a very healthy thing. It does help to strengthen the relationship and the intimacy that you may desire in the future. It's important to sustain a healthy sex life as it sustain your relationship.

However, I found out that it might not be in my situation. My boyfriend seems to be a guy that loves to date more than one person but he will commit to one boyfriend (which is me) only. However, that doesn't mean that he won't date others and have sex. It will be more on the soft sex.

The problem not on how polygamy he will be. That is something I'm prepared of, or at least I'm aware of the danger before even commit to him. It's more on the quality of intimacy we will be. In fact, our sex life becoming less intimate.

What sadden me at times is that I don't know whether he is trying hard to make this relationship stable or not. He has thousands of things in his head which makes me feel that he won't have the time for me. There is so many other factors that I'll have to take into consideration at every given one time. I'm felt so stress sometimes trying to please him. I want him to be happy with me but it does makes me feel lack of something.

By the way, back to the sex part. We haven't have a great sex I think more than 5 months. Yes, we did anal recently but it's just very brief sex. I wasn't satisfy as I didn't even reach climax nor even started to enjoy it yet. But I can't force him to have sex with me if he don't feel having it.

I've tried to discuss it with him but we didn't go any further to solve this problem. He did mentioned that whether finding a sex buddy for me will help. But will it help? I'm thinking to wait for him to give me a good sex. But that doesn't seems will happen any sooner as he didn't seems to be able to do it. I have no idea about this.

Do we have to end up like my friend? Having a boyfriend that each can have fun outside but just remember the way back 'home'. Well, if both is top or both also bottom, I'm probably think that they have no choice. But me, do I need to be like that?

I wonder who can assist me in this matter? I don't think my boyfriend will be happy reading this journal. But I think I just have to voice out what inside of me. God bless.

Bad Start of the Week

I believe there will be up and down in any relationship. It's really up to the couple, how the both of them manage to solve every down fall of the relationship or even to prevent any small issues getting bigger. I believe that we can't compare with others. The moment you start to judge other and compare, others judge and compare of you too.

It's always seems others have a greater life, better living and love one. But what makes you unique is that you are mean something to someone, not that someone that you envy of. Do treasure the one you love and stay beside them. Don't let those small matter blind you from greater good.

Well, life isn't perfect on Earth. It should be more perfect on heaven when we finally meet with our Father. But that's not what I'm intented to share here now. I want to share about how completely I'm lost and feeling hurtful just because of some silly things happened. I wonder how am I going to achieve the level of being a happy man for Lord.

We should be more positive but when an event strike, you won't or probably only I can't be immediately be positive about it. Like today, early of the day, Douglas makes it sound like I'm such a waste or a liability to the company. He asks me is that I have nothing else better to do. I was just asking him whether he has a document that I need. If he has it, then I can finish up because I worry I'll forget about it.

I'm the person if I can finish it up now, why not now before I forget. I don't know why he thinks that I'm not doing anything else beside that. I'm so demotivated. Seriously, in this company, I didn't really feel there is any motivation besides him. If not because I love him, I think it's so hard for me to stay on.

Well, I'm not going to repeat the whole company situation again that doesn't motivates us. Long story cut short, a company that has no incentive and no bonus is difficult to motivate people to work harder for it. But why am I trying so hard? Only He knows. I mean Lord. I don't want to think too much. I'll just focus on my day and leave everything to God. For him, he will never read this till kinda late or pass quite some time.

I'm Paranoid or It's the Fact?

I'm not sure whether am I paranoid or it's the fact ar this moment. I hope it's me, who is being paranoid and it's not the fact. I've an intuition that he felt difficult or unease after having an official relationship with me. Am I that horrible boyfriend?

I've to admit that I'm emotional, I might be possessive, I sulk a lot, etc., but it's all because I care about that person and I love that person. I wanted to spend most of my time being with him. Probably no one really understand me. Lord, please bless me that someone really understand me.

I dreamt last night that he told me he feels really tired trying to find time for me. He has thousand of things to take care of, such as his family, his work, his political party, and his entrepreneur social group meetings and forum. He wanted to let go of me so that he don't need to struggle. It just a dream but it looks so real to me. Is that a sign or a prophecy?

The fact is that he is really busy with his work, political issues and the entrepreneur organisation activities. I do find that he has hard time to find some real solid time for me to go shopping with me, to chat with me about personal issue, or to do something together which is sweet. I don't dare to think about he will have time to go vacation with me. I always love to have such experience with him and I'll die for it. But let's drop the thought first.

Despite that I know that he won't have the time for me, I still do love him. I'm trying my best to understand him, to accept the way he operates, but I don't know he understands me or not. I felt that he doesn't want to tell me much about him. I'm feeling that I'm losing him somehow and that's worries me.

I don't want to lose him and I don't want to end this relationship. I'm just worried that he is giving up on me. I know the journey with him is a bumpy ride, perhaps I'll never get what I wanted to be. Seriously, I dare not to think about the future about us because I can't be sure what will happen. I just pray that he is in good health and happiness, and with God's grace, we will be able to flourish this relationship. Lord, please bless us.

I Hope I'm a Wizard, Perhaps a Witch

I wonder how good it will be if I'm a wizard myself, or a witch. Somehow like Sabrina in the movie "Bewitched". I can use spell to make things the way I wanted it to be. But remain one thing that I'll will not be using any spell, which is love. I still want someone to love me naturally.

Lately, he is pretty busy with his work. Should I say partly? Well, regardless it's his job or his political agenda, or even his entrepreneur gang of people's gathering, it's part of his work already. Perhaps it's part of his life that we can't separate it. I'm not going to separate it or against it. Nothing is that serious.

For me, probably it's in my gene or DNA, a character of me which is not to be left alone in a environment full of strangers or not close relationship kind of people. I'll feel totally insecure and unpleasant. It's a bad thing for a sales person. I think that's why I don't like about doing sales in the first place last time. I don't know what job suitable for me already if I'm no longer at my current company.

Well, I can sense that even one of my superior is getting tired of his position already. I guess he will be leaving the company as well, it's just matter of time, when is it. It's sad to hear that a nice superior like him would want to leave. No doubt, most of us do feel great pressure working in our company. Well, I'm not going into that.

Lately, what's makes me carry on is that I keep telling myself that I'll have some great quality time with him when we go for our business trip this end of the month. Or else, I think that I'll even feel worst that he is not having much time for me. Well, I don't know how to illustrate it out. It's just simply that you spent some time with me and that it.

It's more on the quality of the time spend together. If the time we spend is about work, work and work, it's nothing personal quality time we actually spend. This what I felt lacking lately. He used to be a great guy, listens to my thought and we work out a lot of it. However, I just felt that he is too busy to care much for me.

He did spend on me in term of money, but time, not so much. I think he should have forgotten that he promised me that we shall be going for a facial session at Herbaline on the 16th this month, during Malaysia Day holiday. I bet he will have something on. It's either politic or some entrepreneur gang gathering. I believe that he even forgot that he promised me that he will accompany me go shopping at 1 Utama.

Maybe it's because he is so busy and caused him to forgotten so many things that he promised me yet most doesn't seems to be happened. I think I'll have to let it go and do it myself. Some thoughts should be even don't think about it. It's past. It will never be coming back.

Thinking of his birthday this year, I feel really bad as I never have the chance to celebrate it with him. The very first year I know him, he was celebrating with his ex-boy friend. The last year with family and as well as his ex-boy friend too. I don't have the privilege to celebrate with him. This year, I'm also fail to be celebrating it already. There is so many stuff that tied down his schedule.

Lord, please guide me. What should I do to make my life more positive and happy?

When Expectation Become Dissapointment

Today is a very special day. I went through up and down, high and low of mixed feelings in me. I suppose to blog about my Singapore trip on my very own blog, but I found it that I need to shout out here and let that post to be on the next time I'm on the mood to blog about it.

This morning, I tried so hard to wake up early so that I can attend the sermon at church with him. He did called me to check out whether I'm still asleep or not. It is sweet and I kinda love it. The best is that he came over to pick me up. In this more than a month official commitment with him, he did pick me up quite a far bit of times.

It's great that I've some good time with me serving Lord and praise Him. I felt like Lord did give me what I need. However, I also think that Lord is testing me all the time. Is this a test? Or simply Lord never give me what I wanted; just that's what I presumed it to be and now Lord is showing this sign to me?

He told me that he will spend some time with me, at least dinner with me since that he can't make it last night. After the sermon today, he told me that his dad called and he has lunch with his family later. I'm totally cool with it as I'm prepared that he might be pull off by his family for lunch. I'm expecting dinner with him.

Of course, seeing my blog here now means that it doesn't go as what I expected. To make it worst, my expectation is not crush yet but given more hope then only crush it. He told me that he has a dinner with his family's friend, a YB; somewhere around Seputeh. That's kinda near to my place. He told me that he will find me after his dinner about 9pm.

I I was thinking that he just want to make me feel good but he won't be able to make it, so I told him if he can't make it the forget it. But he asked me can I meet him after that. That's make me thought that he really can make it. He told me that he will feed me since I told him I'll probably skip dinner.

Later, my godbrother, Danny called me for a gathering dinner at his house. Meet back some of his godbrothers too and god-sons. I thought it is a good idea to occupied my time and at least I get to eat with someone. That turns out to be good yet bad. Seeing all of them, couples over couples makes me feel lonely. My godbrother asked me why not taking my boyfriend along. I'm speechless.

I tried to contact him before 9 to check whether will there be any changes in the earlier plan. I didn't get any response at all until just now at 9.30pm. He asked me whether can he drop by. Of course he can but I just felt it's a bit too late already since we have to work tomorrow. At least I have to wake up early for work and he don't need too.

He mentioned that he will be at my house another half an hour, which means about 10pm. Isn't that a bit too late for anything? The "feed me" thingy shall be forget it. Well, I've my dinner already and at this time, what to feed me? No point already to eat at this hour as I don't eat supper usually. I can't sleep for at least 2 hours after eating.

Well, I know that he loves me. He does care about me and even though he can't make it on time, he still try to drop by. I should be happy. But then somehow, I feel sad also. Why all the plan for me always seems to be failed or doesn't turns out the way we wanted. Are we lacking the couple thing? I mean like what a normal couple or gay couple will do. Maybe we ain't normal gay couple. I don't know.

When expectation turns out to be a kind of disappointment, the feeling sucks. Well, he told me not to swear as it's not good and Lord won't want us to. Well. My intention is not at the bad side. I'm just expressing myself. I don't even know myself I think.

Out of Communication at Singapore

It a chaotic situation I'm in at Singapore. Douglas brought me a U mobile prepaid SIM card which suppose to have roaming facility so that I could use it when I'm around Singapore. However, it doesn't seem to work at all. I've been trying out the whole day yet no good news. I'm giving up.

I'm thinking that probably he forgot the activate the roaming service for me that caused all the hassle. Well, he did rush for me to get the SIM card last minute and yet rush to activate the card for me. Probably missed out that roaming service.

Texting me or calling me now is very expensive. Using my sister Hotlink number which have auto roaming, currently under SingTel service, the rate is RM1.00 per SMS and RM3.10 per minute for audio call. It cost a bomb. Don't mention that I wanted to use the data services. I think I can go bankrupt just to call anyone.

I miss him a lot. I haven't spend much time with him lately after the incident that his parents suspected him. He doesn't like to lie to his parents make the condition even harder to manage. I think I can't see him for quite some time and he will probably busy with his stuff. He did asked me to enjoy myself, but without any communication services, I'm basically handicap.

I doubt I'll have a wonderful trip because I can't communicate with anyone, I can't even search the net freely unless I'm stuck at my aunt's place to use her Wi-Fi. Basically, today I also didn't have much time talk to him. He also text me less. I texted him quite a bit but he seldom reply me. I don't know he got my message or not.

I just felt like crap as I thought I can connect with everyone freely. That u mobile SIM card he got me makes me thought that I'll be prepared for the trip. Who knows, I'm now like an assholes, frustrating about being stranded with no communication devices. I think I'll be lonely at here. I hate it. I should just stay at home and never come along. At least then I need not to hate myself being in stranded situation.

Whether this trip is nice or bad, I'm not too sure yet. But definitely not the best or perfect one. The stranded feeling is just not great.

Perfect Disaster

Never knew that this issue raise up so early in my relationship with Douglas. Although I thought about it before that this will happen but not that soon or early stage or of relationship. Probably because we already dating each other before that, and I didn't take it into consideration for the timeline this will probably occur.

After saying so much, I haven't mention what is the issue. It's that our family knew about it. For me, I'm lucky because my mother knew that I'm gay. Who I am with would not be much of a problem. It's my boyfriend. He is in dilemma on what to do to ease the condition. According to him, his mum and dad seems to suspect a little. How much? I have no idea.

Probably we are kind of obvious. I did try my very best to prevent it to happen but it seems doesn't work as I expected. There is a lot of stupid things run in my head regards to this issue. Things like:
1. What we need to do, or what is the solution to this matter?
2. What will the outcome of the solution, and will it affect our relationship?
3. Could we cope with the arrangment?, and etc.

The whole issue started most probably because he is too honest to his parents about his whereabout and who is he with. Well, i have to admit that he did most of the time with me. Monday we have badminton together, Wednesday we will have movie together, and Saturday, if he is free, he will accompany for lunch. Despite that we work together, that's the only time that we have private time together.

Both of us did mentioned about some sort of solution. He mentioned that perhaps I need to give him some spare time to make new friends. Friends from churches or even new not gay guys or the best, FEMALES. I think that's the hardest part. He suggest that friends that connected directly from me. Well, I don't think that is necessary. But if I'm to introduce females to him, I kinda have to be open to my female friends too.

His next solution is to really find a lesbian and pretend to date and eventually fake marriage to fool his parents. For me, I'm really lost in this. It feels like I lost half of him even though I know that he loves me. Next, I do feel bad for him that have to keep on lying to everyone. It's really difficult as I went through it before I come out to my mum. Well, I can't imagine to lie to myself to fake a marriage to hide myself.

I did suggest that perhaps I'll reduce lunch with him as it's also part of his dad suspicion comes. Next, even more drastic is to leave the company. Of course not now or else like I'm telling everyone that it true and I'm hiding it. Probably after this year or end of the year. By that, his dad can't say that I'm influecing him, and he will have nothing to talk about I'm too close to him. But my boyfriend did say that his dad also know he went out with me after work. I wonder why can't he lie to his dad. Like he says he went out with so and so (e.g. Charles, or Theresa) when he is with me.

There is so many other things running in my mind but I just can't synthesis it all and write it here. I'm having mix feeling and I don't know how to deal with this disaster after all. Well, I believe even my boyfriend having this issue on how to handle it. Because he did mentioned before somehow related to this issue.

He said to me before when I just know him that time, he will married a lesbian and fool everyone else where he will continue living with his boyfriend. Then he told me that he thought of bringing his boyfriend with him and settle down in Australia and start over there where nobody will know him. Then he told me that we plan to stay here and just tell his parents that he doesn't want to marry such early age and wait till he is too old to get one. Now he told me back his initial one.

I think I never know how to deal with such complication. All this haven't even include the issue with religion or how to answer God if what our choices to be gay is religiously wrong or not what God wants us to be. But I believe God created us like this for a reason. If not, then I don't know what I can do? Continue to sin if it's not right; or if it not wrong, shall we fight for our rights? I doubt he will fight together hand in hand with me. Family comes first to him. For me, both of them comes first as I treated both of them as family.

If there is solutions or perhaps a better solution, even suggestion towards this matter, it will be great if someone can share with me. I'm seriously lost and I'm stuck. I hate to be in complicated situation that I can't control and predict about. I guess I have to leave it to God. But Lord, why grant us to love each other yet can't love each other the way we want?

A Serious Gamble

I think if Boon Hein read this, he will think that I am stupid. Well, love is blind I guess. It is also about sacrifice. Perfect love never exist in my life before. I felt like it's resides only on fairy tales or those who are lucky enough to experience it.

I took the most principal breaking gamble in my life, to fall in love again. But this time, it's a person that I don't know that I will be able to be with forever but I know I love him forever. We both agreed to start our relationship with some terms and conditions.

I don't know is my decision is right or wrong, whether agreeing in such condition is what I want or not, but I know it's against my norm. However, looking at my surrounding, almost all gay guys are animal themselves. I mean the animal instinct that resides in their soul.

Only a small fraction of gay guys that are truly loyal to their partners and never cheat on them. I will say 95% not in that region. So that makes only 5% of gay guys are happily loving couple that are meant for each other.

How about the 95%? Well, 30% will still ended up having relationship, but still cheat behind their partner's back. I knew it because my ex-boyfriend did so. My pet brother did it too. Some of my friends did that too. That's how I know it, it's the animal instinct of having different sex partners.

The remaining 55% of gay guys, out of 20% are those who in open relationship or having more than one partners and happy with it. They are those that officially letting their partners to have someone else and they themselves having someone else too. The remaining 35% are those who totally looking for fun, no string attached at all.

So, thinking for a long period of time, since I love him, and I know that he loves me too. Just that I know that I will never be able to lock him physically for me only. I think I have to let him do what he will be doing but closing one eye about it if I want him to be mine.

Just like history, or current life. Men seems to love the concept of having many wives or girlfriends. The emperor has many wives and concubines. The Muslims can have 4 wives. It's just an animal side of every men.

Thus, I decided to let him do what he wants, just that he has to love me one and only one. Sexually, I granting him the opportunity to go for someone else provided it's just for fun with condom, and no string attached at all.

I'm still digesting this whole thing. I think I do need some time to get use to it but I don't think I do have a choice. Maybe you will say I do, by not doing so but I really love him and I needed him. It's not that there is another pure guy will wanted to be with me and he is the purest guy that will never will cheat on me.

I just hope that he will truly love me and never lie to me. That's the core of the relationship. I think I can try hard to forgive him for having sex out there with someone else. I just treat it as he find a whore, at least that doesn't seems to hurt so bad. But if he find someone else as boyfriend, I'm screwed.

Perception of Love (Extension)

I guess he will not notice this blog entry so soon as I've just blog one yesterday and one in this afternoon. Refer to my latest entry at my main blog page, I think love is very difficult thing that I'm having. I choose to love and to have a relationship. However, relationship doesn't choose me.

I know the feeling of loving someone that you know that he will never be that person in your life no matter how hard you have tried. I've waited for him, yet not hoping for anything that will return. It's somehow quite hurting but you just can't help it. Loving someone that will not love you back the same way that you expected is really bad.

It's luck I guess. Probably I don't have the luck of having a relationship. As I said, don't mention that I don't except those who asked me to their boyfriend. If you mean someone decent that is my type somehow, then that's fine. If those uncles, totally out of my expectation, then you know why it doesn't work out.

Lord himself really tested me for a very long time. It's either he hates me or he loves me a lot. Hates me so he doesn't grant my wish to settle with someone that I love or love me so much that doesn't want to grant me someone that will not wanted to settle with me. Perhaps no one wanted to settle with me. I'm not super attractive or like Cheston that keep on having new boyfriends.

I wonder how he can change his boyfriend like changing clothes. I wanted to find one "clothes" that fits me also super duper difficult. So Lord, I hope you can answer my prayers. If I don't deserve someone in my life, why don't you just take me back to be by your side. At least in heaven, I'll find my love on You.

I'm really feeling so bad. I don't what I need to do or what I should do. I wanted to cry out, wanted to borrow someone's shoulder to lean on and cry out load. It's like a huge stone that crushing my chest. I'm feeling lonely. Everyone, or most of my friends already attached, married or been dating for years and start living together. I'm so happy for them yet so envy of them. Why can I have one?

I think this blog page, I can start naming it as "The Unpopular Boyfriend Candidate". I can't imagine me getting older. I'll be so lonely living alone doing silly things. No one will share the life with me. Oh gosh, I can't be writing sad story on my blog and keeps on letting my tears fall like a waterfall. Any solution to my problem?

My Fragile Life

I think my life is kind of fragile. Many things I can't cope and digest it in time. I felt hopeless most of the time. Should I say that I'm a failure? I fail to find someone that can spend the rest his life with me and will be happy living with me. I've fail to be strong to stop myself to love a person that I'll never have him to myself.

It's a life that I'll have to cope with yet I have no idea how to cope. I can't imagine my life in another 10 years. I'll be really old to look for a boyfriend that time. No more market value for a bottom like me, not to mention that I have none already now. I'm just feeling helpless.

I think maybe it's just a sudden gush of feeling that I'm no longer young and I'm still single. Looking at most of my friends are getting their partner, getting married, having babies, etc., makes me feel I'm getting older real fast. I'm still a single guy waiting for somebody to love. Waiting that special someone in my life forever.

Not just straight friends, even my gay's friend also found their love. Most of the guys, previously trying to date me or even wanted me to his boyfriend which I rejected due to some issues did finally get someone in their life. I'm happy for them and atthe same time I'm envy them. Why couldn't I have the same treatment? Is Lord really wanted to test my sincerity towards love?

I've been single for coming 3 years, hasn't I waited long enough? If u say I'm not trying hard to look for one, I did. But none showing real interest on me (except those sincerely I have no feeling for). If Lord's grace is to give me really unrealistic guy, I don't know what should I do anymore.

If u say Lord test my sincerity towards one person, I've keep waitin for someone past 2 years already. Despite that I don't put high hope on him, but I did thought of before whether I'll be his someone special one day or not. I did but as a best friend. He will always be just a best friend as he won't be with me and only me.

Shall I give up on love? Since love will not like safe investment, it's not like you invest one dollar you will gain back one dollar. I think for me, my investment for love is always seems to be depreciate or will never recover the amount invested. I think I can only blame myself for my stupidity of believing true love exist for myself.

True love is for those fortunate people. It's more for those who have great things on them. I have none, I'll have only love from my family and God. Just happened that God always tested me. The love I receive from someone else will not exceed what I'm hoping for. I should bear that in mind. As what I can say now is love will hurts if it's not what you expected it to be. A bitter sweet sensation.

I'm Feeling Helpless

Lately I have really bad feeling for myself. I don't even know is it normal anymore to feel this way. No doubt I love him a lot, but things it just seems getting far away from time to time. Maybe I can't cope up with the changes around him. He changes his mind pretty quickly.

I remember that he said that he is getting rid of those connection to any sort of gay websites or links since he wanted to run politic. Well, to certain extent I think does do what he mean for. However, I have a strong feeling that he still seeing a lot of gay guys too. Will that clash with his motive?

Anyway, I'm not his boyfriend to judge him. Even so, if he going to cheat on me, I can't change a thing about him too. The very first time I know him, I've already know that he can't keep himself to one boyfriend. How could I change the fact or even change him.

Perhaps I'm thinking too much or I'm starting to give up looking for a guy that I can settle with. I'm beginning to put my hope and love completely on him which I shouldn't. That's what he said in the begining as he already told me that he never treats me as a boyfriend before. Maybe temporally or so-called boyfriend which I don't fancy.

There is a guy who wanted me so much and has been waiting for me for past 2 years. Well, I don't know whether that guy is genuine or not, but I don't know what can I do. Waiting for him to eventually fall in love with me and only me? Am I dreaming big? I guess that will never happen unless I'm super gorgeous, which apparently I'm not.

Probably I meant to be single for my life. Why I said so? Cause that's what I think. There ain't someone that is my taste out there looking for me as a potential boyfriend and he is not taking me seriously too. I'm too old to talk about relationship as I used to do anymore. Look, he isn't even sexually attracted to me anymore.

He didn't seems to want me have those with him. I did seduce him a little, or even mentioned to him but that's it. It's either he has it already with someone or I've no idea why. But why should I care? I couldn't do a damn thing. Am I obsessive over him? Probably. I think maybe I should stop myself drowning too deep in this.

Thank you for loving me but I felt that I don't have the love I wanted yet. Perhaps you found someone better, cuter, younger, etc. and I'm no where close to be that person you want. I don't want to be important to your life because you need me to take care of your customers or work. I need someone that really needs me like how much I needed him.

Life is Never Be Easier

It's my silly time to express my frustration in life here in my little blog that probably have less than a dozen of people even bother to look at it. Well, it's a blog where I throw all my frustration in life, especially about my love life and career life here. Things that I don't wanted to share so publicly.

Lately, I think I can't really get hold on myself. I begin to feel that I'm emotional most of the time. Probably I think I'm forget where I initially wanted the whole thing to be. Maybe I step overboard the boundary that I don't wanted to. A place where I don't hope it will be with him because I know he wouldn't feel the same.

Perhaps I have been so used to being with him all the time previously or even past 2 months. We work together in the same company, not to mention we work in the same department too. He is my immediate superior too. But that doesn't change the fact that during working time, he treats me any better than any normal staff there.

What frustrates me is that I begin to feel emotional again when he so used to be with me all the time past 2 months to be more like the other him now again. It's either he is changing too fast that I started not able to cope with the change all the time or perhaps it's me changing, thinking that I'm super important in his life.

I think I do have certain place in his life but I don't think it's the same as what I thought. I believe he can life even without me in his life tomorrow. It's not the same thing that we two do for each other.

I will be worried sick for his safety when he went for the peaceful rally last Saturday but he will just busy checking out the news of the rally and talking all about it to anyone and everyone that he came across with. Even having lunch with me, his soul creeps out of his temple. I'm having migraine also drive all the way to see him, wanting to see him for myself that he is really OK. I'm so stupid.

It's either his body is there to accompany me but his soul is not there, or he is not there for me at all. When he is with me physically, he will do his stuff and I do felt neglected spiritually and emotionally. If not that, he is just completely not there for me. This week, I think it's worst for me.

Today he is having his personal training session in his gym. Well, he always never ask me out if he has a training session at the gym. This coming Wednesday, he'll be celebrating his friend's birthday, which he used to like him. His ex-boyfriend will be there too. Kinda awkward. Anyway, the main point is I think I've to be alone again. No more movie week this week.

For him, he already spent so much time with me at work seeing me. For me, loving him is painful at times because I felt like seeing him all the time. The solution to this is not to love him as much as I'm right now. Have to set it at maximum, friendship love. I don't even felt that he is loving me as a partner anymore.

How come I felt that way? Intuition. When someone starts to feel less attracted to you, or perhaps he is fascinating of someone else, or just has sex with someone else will reject having sex with you. I think we haven't has sex for really some time. I'm giving up on the complex relationship that I can barely cope with.

Maybe I realized now that I seriously need someone that can settle our life together, and not be in a situation that I always felt insecure when I'll be the history or perhaps lose my position in his life. I felt somehow not important to him anymore other than in work related only.

I Hate My Life

I'm literally hating myself of the life I'm going through. I thank God for giving me all the love I should have got from my family, especially where I have a wonderful mother that is very supportive in most of my decision. Probably just in term on religion, she is a bit reluctant for me to accept Christ.

However, I'm always putting myself at the no man should have getting himself into kinda situation. Except that if I'm suppose to be a sluttiest, or perhaps the money boy kinda person, or what-so-ever stupid creature in the surface of the Earth, then I'll not hesitate to keep myself on the most extreme situation.

I don't know why I have to lie to myself to keep me from hurting. Am I that stupid or idiotic? Perhaps I am. How am I going to learn to move on with my life? Am I getting too comfortable or I'm too worry of the changing world, especially this fucking irritating gay world that I'm clinging to?

So what life am I opting for? I'm just want a simple love life, simple and good career, able to save some cash for myself to be able to clear off my debts such as my PTPTN loans, car loans or what-so-ever loan, and to be able to get myself a property. If I could, have a small business on my own running it to maintain my survival since I'm not getting any kids to take care of me.

But why am I so stupid keep on falling for something that I'm trying hard not to get too close with? I'm practically playing fire on my own. I knew that he cares for me a lot. There are a lot of times that I felt the things he did to me is beyond friendship. He helped me in many occasion, especially in terms financial, which he is much at the comfort zone.

I knew I love him and yet knowing the fact that he ain't going to settle with me and he ain't looking for what I'm looking for in him. What I need Is a decent boyfriend that can just share our life living together, cherishing each other. What he is looking at is just someone that will understand him and makes him feel fun, and I mean anybody. This could mean that he can have more than one of such person.

I knew that he is not just going to be settling with me from the beginning of time where in first met him. I'm just lying to myself that if I love him enough and have faith, perhaps I'll finally receive what I giving him for. Perhaps Lord doesn't permit that. Maybe he was sent by God to help me but not granting me what I fully opting for from him.

I've been always wanting to get someone else and letting him go slowly since or maybe Lord doesn't want me to be with him. But why Lord doesn't grant me someone else into my life to make me move on? Why am I stuck with him for 2 years and yet I can't find someone to be with me? Why do he treats me sometime so good that makes me feel so attach to him and yet sometimes I feel so hurt by what he did? Is this a test?

Seriously, Father in Heaven, I might not always pray to You, and yet I'm very new to You. I thank you for everything You did to me and salvage us. However, if my life is going to be this hard, I pray that you could take me back to Your side soon. Sometimes, I do feel that You might taking me closer to You already. Even so, he might not really hurt to know perhaps. He has so many others besides I'm the less appealing one. I just hope that You could provide my family with good health and the wisdom to seek for Your love.

As for him, I hope You could give him the happiness he is opting. I'm no longer want to be stirring in between Terence, Loius, Liko, Nicky, Aaron, and any other guys that he has interest with. I'm too tired playing this jealousy game and love game. I think to let him go completely is the only best solution. If love is so painful, why make me this way? My life sucks.

Chaotic Life

I think I'm over rely on someone that shouldn't have. Well, he is already not the one that I used to know. Perhaps he changed a little without him realising it. He used to be very sensitive, caring, loving and charismatic. Now, I found myself in the pit unable to get out.

This month is not a great month for me. So many things happened. I've applied a credit card with him together, it seems he is getting it soon and while I have no response from the bank. Even if they wanna reject, shouldn't they just send me an email to acknowledge me?

Then my saving with insurance company seems to be giving me a great headache. However, my mood swing wasn't notify much by him. He didn't try hard to ease my feeling. I think I'm no longer special to him. Soon, he will move on with another.

He no longer the first one that update my information. That is totally understandable because he didn't read my blog here anymore as always. With lots of issues around me, I found that I'm too weak handling things with him.

Undefined Loneliness of Life and Despair at Work

Loneliness is really something that everyone will think it's a bad thing or something that you don't want to be. This includes me, which I think it's very obvious. Imagine that I hate to eat alone, sleep alone (but have kinda used to it), watch movie alone or shop alone. All this just because I hate the loneliness feeling.

Most of the time, during hangout or even shopping with friends, seeing those couples holding hands really makes me think, why I can't have that. It's been 2 years and 5 months officially that I'm not officially attached with anyone. Not that I don't want to, but it's either others don't want to be attached with me, or we don't think we suit for each other or even he is simply not interested with me. Probably some just want sex that's it.

Is my life going to be like this in the future? Can I have a better life? Just a stable and simple life with someone I loved and he loves me back as life partner to walk this fragile life on the surface of the Earth before we meet Him when our life journey ended, could we? I'm not sure myself also. I hope Lord could inspire me or even guide me towards those answer for all those questions.

This year birthday is really simple. Why I said so is because how and who celebrated it with me, we can see it. Charles did treat me dinner at Kissaten that night with a slice of cake at IOI Boulevard. I treated him back a cup of coffee. Before that evening, Philip treated me for lunch and we shared an ice cream. All his treats. Then on the Sunday, my ex-colleagues (2 of them) treated me lunch at Tony Roma's.

In terms of birthday present, my sister got a 3 bars of chocolates and a card, ex-colleagues got me some chocolates too, and Douglas got me some chocolates (either it's souvenir or present, I don't know). Basically just chocolates at birthday gift. So nothing special also. Probably the unknown send who sent me a gay birthday card is pretty surprising, other than that it's nothing.

I think Douglas no longer read my blog. Why would he reads it anymore. Probably he found someone new and nice to hangout with. Lots of his promises is no longer coming true. I think it will soon be the end of term. He mentioned to me before that he will get me something special, which will surprise me this year birthday, ended up he is not there on my special day and chocolates is not a surprising to me from him anymore.

Let's not deviate too far from the title of my post. So I just mentioned about the loneliness I'm feeling inside now. Birthday this year feel really lonely. I do have friends, but not many. Definitely I have no lover, don't have someone that is so dear to me in my life except for my family to be there in my life, or with me on those special days.

At work, the person that is so dear to me, which is my bestest friend I'm having is also my boss. I have no idea how to deal with him at times or almost anytime. Sometimes I do really feel that he indirectly saying that I'm not that useful, and my colleague is far more excel that me because she is being promoted even though we enter this company at the same time and I'm higher paid that her. Is that mean that he wanted to tell me that he is being nice to me already?

How about what I feel? He needs his ego, I do need mine too. If I'm not up to expectation, I should be considering other career if I'm ain't the qualified for this job. But, he should let me know. Not to mentioned that it frustrates me when he treats me differently depending on his mood, time and his preference. I have feeling too. Sometimes I really feel offended the way he talks to me. But I can't angry him for long also. Maybe in my heart, I still love him and I know he loves me to some point.

Love is a very wide and deep thing to learn, to share, to give and to receive. One must not or at least minimised the chance of hurting or breaking ones heart because it's the most fragile thing we have. My heart scattered many times. Now and then, I just shed tears thinking back things happened on me before and now. Feeling lonely inside not because God not with me, but the angel in my life is not show himself.

The Most Lonely Birthday Ever..

It's freaking lonely this year's birthday of mine. Till now, I just realised that I only got 1 Facebook wall wish from a dance-mate. That's it. I thought Facebook is great. Everyone should reminded on who so and so's birthday. But I get none. Friend wishes also nobody except Douglas just whatsapp me.

Actually even that, probably I reminded him on it. Seriously, I think he already to busy to remember my birthday. I don't wanna make a fuss about it. It's not like he has to remember it or do anything about it. Even my best friend don't do anything about it yet. What can I say? Okay, I did get some wishes at church just now. That's also partly I said it out since they ask me how is my week.

So there is no SMS, no whatsapp (except from Douglas), no Facebook wall (except one), no calls, nothing till this very moment people wish me happy birthday in any way. Don't even mention about celebrating it. So this year, it's my f*cking lonely year ever. It's really painful to even write this post here.

Every word I wrote here is accompanied by my tear of loneliness and unexplainable emotional disaster that occurring inside me. Life of a single guy - dull and painful. That's for me. How come I can't be like somebody else that have a decent relationship and settle down? Am I that bad and not attractive at all as a boyfriend?

Tears Flow Like a River

I don't know why today I'm kind of emotional. Apparently, I feel like I'm getting old and I've gone through almost a quarter of my life. However, what I'm hoping and longing for is just not there yet.

I went to church lately and I hear a lot of inspiring talk from lots of people. About how you put your faith on Him and he will love you and fill up the emptiness in your heart. I'm putting my faith on him, but I still haven't found the other half that I'm longing for to walk this fragile life of mine.

I don't know why, I felt like I have this feeling that I would not be in this world for very long time. I don't hope that the day I'm not here anymore, there isn't someone that will truly care about me or love me whole heartily.

Life is tough. Walking life alone is very lonely. I do feel lonely, I do feel scare. This year birthday, is not going to be a great one. It will be simple, probably boring and even painful. It marks that I'm getting older and still single for almost 3 years.

Birthday is somehow scary and lonely for myself. My mother is thinking to pre-celebrate my birthday after the tomb sweeping day this coming Sunday. It seems odd, but I appreciate that she even thinks of it, because she usually don't.

Probably my old colleagues will celebrate for me, somehow simple one. It happens that they called me and book me on the 16th, a day after my birthday to hangout. I guess they want to celebrate for me, if I'm not mistaken. Or else, it just another gathering only. (thick face of mine)

How about the actual day? It's Friday and I need to work. Do I plan to take leave? What is the point when you have no one to celebrate with you and nobody is asking you out on that day itself till now. It's just another 11 days left.

I guess I teared because I feel really lonely. Till now, I still can't find someone that I can lay my love on and get the sweet moment with the special one. Probably there will be no one except God. If that's the case, I do hope Lord take me with him as life on Earth is getting tougher than I can cope with already.

記得 by Zhang Hui Mei

Lately I heard this song, but JJ Lin's version on the radio. It makes me wanted to listen to the original version sung by Zhang Hui Mei. It's really a good song yet brings back a lot of memories. The bad thing is it's only bringing back a lot of bad memories.

The whole lyric of the song really makes me feel really sad. After so long, who will remember who first said he'll love me forever? I do remember. It's him. But does that really matter to me now or is that even true to date? It's really a sentence that leave a deep scar on my heart.

The thing is that I think I never regret my choice of leaving him and walk our separate ways. Who said we will walk this journey together till the end? I did. But I can't afford to walk this journey with him because he hurts me so deep. We really have two contradicting dreams.

The person I mentioned is Brian C. Well, he is the past. I should move on and I did. Maybe I'm still sentimental kind of guy. I do still recall things that happened between him and me. I don't know why, perhaps he hurts me too deep to forget about it. But I do recall the sweet moment we had before too. Funny.

But, this song indirectly also reflects a lot of things in my life. Lots of people said that they love me, so and so. However, how many of them are truly love me? I'm wondering that. Looking for someone that I can be with and walk this journey to the end together is the hardest thing I found to be in gay's life.

Till this very moment, I'm still struggling with who is the one that will love me and I love him back the way we want it to be. Hope this person will show up himself and be my angel to walk through this fragile yet short life we have.

Lord, I pray that this greedy wish of mine can be fulfilled. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Can I Really Cope & Like Doing Sales Job? How I Want My Life To Be?

I've been asking myself lately this question. Can I cope with sales job? Will I like it or go on with it? It's really something that's bothering me lately. It's not like others influencing me or I'm hating someone in my organisation but more on the job's nature. What I'm really comfortable working as or doing for living?

Douglas has his point too. What he told me few weeks ago is true. Ones principal can't generates money for living. But money can buy happiness or mental comfort? Somehow I'm not that excited about the job I'm in. I'm not sure myself is due to the job nature, people around me or perhaps the stress I'm having.

I'm upset with the working condition I'm in. Maybe I'm a bit exaggerate my feeling about the working condition I'm in. Not exactly or solely on the whole working environment, but more on every aspect that I'm experiencing in this company. I would say more on the colleague relationship. I do feel that most people favours other department or people. It's natural thing. But somehow just it feels not that right.

Indeed I do think Douglas favours me a bit, but at work, I think that is not the case. I think I'm the most frequent person that got the stress, scolding (perhaps not thay harsh all the time but it can be quite sarcastic in most of the time) and what's not, that frustration he has. Actually seeing him stress out, I'm really upset. But I can't help him much.

His stress mainly from his dad. The worst thing is he always transfer the negativity energy to us all. Maybe I'm the most useless staff in the department because I think he backs me up in front of his dad (which wht he told me), that's all I know. But JY, she seems to has all the backing from him. Like what he mentioned that day, she has better portfolio than me.

I'm considering maybe I should look for some other job before I'm getting to the extent where the company thinks that I'm a liability. I join the company in the first place because he told me that I'm not involved in sales. I'll be more on the research, promotion, marketing side of the products. I thought I could learn something. Well I did learn a lot but it really seems diviate a lot from the initial what I'm expecting.

Well, life still have to goes on and I'll need a job that able to make me survive and pay off all my loans. Im confused with the situation I'm in because I've no idea where will I get to the end. I'm just hoping everything will go smoothly so that my dream to have a small running business of my own can fulfilled. A good concept café is all I want. Adequate business, stable life, good health and wealth, and stable relationship is what I'm looking to.

Stress is Building Up

I feel there is way too much stress to deal with everyday in our life. We choose various ways to release that stress either by crying, finding comfort from others, doing something like eating, singing, etc. For example, it's so rare I saw Douglas shed his tears. I really thinks he is in great pressure or feel somehow down for what so ever reason.

Anyway, like I said, stress build up over time. Even for myself, I can't be sure how much stress I'll be getting at work, financially, family, and relationship. At work, it's seems that the indirect pressure putting on Douglas affects us too. Since BH is leaving soon, I believe that the higher management is going to squeeze me again.

Probably, I'll be more stressful once they force me to do more local or corporate sales. I really think if this not the job I want to do. Export sales is fine because it's not that I needed actively to meet them all up to make sure they buy my product and hit those sales target. Anyway, I'm not sure what job really suit me also.

Financially, I don't think I need to mention much. I'm in debt in any way. Of course, my PTPTN loans still pending for payment, I need more money to settle with my life, save for future too. If not, all my dreams is gone. My Japan trip will not be a reality if I still can't settle the loans. Well, car loans still can settle as I pay my installment every month. Just this and that tighten my budget. If I want to date Dickson, my financial status sure rebel me.

Family, mostly on the financial part. I don't think want to discuss family issue much here. Probably post it next time on my other blog or something.

Love issue, I'm stuck in between everyone. I do love Douglas a lot but we can't work the normal way because he will not let go the forest for me. Love and sex really different thing all together for him. I can't accept it that well, so he also thinks that we can't get attached. Maybe this is what those Chinese proverbs says,, "got the opportunity, but no fate".

Another one is Dickson. He is a nice guy but then I don't find him click with me much. However, I know that he likes me a lot. He will definitely try to work out this relationship. The problem is on me. I seriously think that we have something missing somewhere. He doesn't have a car that makes my life difficult. Intelligent issue is another story. I'm confuse myself at this moment.

Maybe because of Dickson, this makes me think that Jimmy is not too bad. But I have no idea what things lead for Jimmy and me. He is a smart guy, studying medicine. Future doctor sounds much more promising but then he is a shopaholic himself. I wonder will he able to take care of me? Financially he is stable but will he spend on dating me? Till now, he still haven't seems to be interested on me yet. Maybe I should just ignore thinking about him.

Noel, Elwin, Wilson, Albert, etc. shouldn't be anything troublesome. I think I told them clearly and I'm clear about myself on them. It's either no feel or not possible to be together. I think love issue is killing me soon. Got also feel terrible, don't have also feel stupid and lonely. Seriously no idea how to cope with all sort of stress.

Valentine's Day

Tuesday was Valentine's Day. It suppose to be a romantic and sweet day that you celebrate it with your partner or the one you ever loved. How did I celebrate it? I don't think it's consider a celebration because it doesn't seems to be a planned celebration.

How do I feel? I feel lonely of course. Suppose to be dating with Dickson, who are a guy that I'm seeing now, dating about, but he is involved in an accident at his hometown, so he can't make it back here. Ironically, I don't feel much disappointment. Maybe I don't have much feeling with him yet because I do somehow feel that there is something missing between us.

Well, Douglas did have a dinner with me that night. Somehow, it's not as sweet as last year even though that time he still has his boyfriend all to himself. Maybe it just too simple, I felt somehow lack of some surprises or something. Anyway, he has no obligation to do anything sweet for me also. If not because Dickson can't make it, he wouldn't even dine with me that day.

Anyway, this year Valentine's Day is just another day for me as there was nothing really sweet or any great surprises. Perhaps that's how it will be for the following years. Dickson is still a distance away to really win my heart away. I'm open up to date with other people rather to be bind tight with someone I don't or guarantee match with me.

Tonight, I'm going to hang out with Jimmy. Let's see what is it all about. Well, no more great hopes and come great disappointment. Just another dinner date that's it. Will carry on everything from friendship. I think maybe I'm just too picky or I can't find someone that I can truly lay my love on. I hope that person will soon appear in my life.

Lord, I hope you can grant this little wish of mine. Amen.

Old Feeling is Back

It's been really long time I didn't have such feeling back. The feeling of been in love. I mean all this time, right after I break up with Brian, this feeling never really come back. I always ended up in those so-called-relationship, which is merely a date.

Those guys that I went dating with never last more than a month. Kelvin, due to he is bottom. We can't suit each other. Followed by Willy, then Michael, Wayne, Leon and lately, Elvin. Well, Douglas is not in this list because he is somehow special.

He is the only one that I love him but then I don't love him. I don't love him as boyfriend because I choose to. I don't want to hurt myself and I know he doesn't want that too. However, we will still care for each other. So, he will forever remain as my best friend.

As for all the good feeling is this new guy called Dickson. He does make me feel like in heaven just in these few days. I do want to give him a chance. He did a lot of things to know me, to get my attention. I think he deserve a chance too.

The only concern I have right now is my own paranoid. I never meet him before and I already have this strong feeling with him. Maybe it's due to the fact that he is very sweet to me on the phone. But rationally, shouldn't I need to know him much further because deciding?

I found out that he added one of my friend on Facebook. So I did called up that friend to get some information about Dickson but I get very little. At least he also thinks that he is a nice person to talk to.

However, I still want to ask him. He can lie to me, but then it's better to hear from him also. At least I'm not making any stupid paranoid thought that he is a bad person that will hurt me. If he does, then at least it's he lie to me. If I simply put the label that he is a person that going to hurt me, then if he is not, I'm basically an asshole already.

Mysterious Loneliness and Confusion

I just can't understand why there is a sudden emotional tornado hit me at this moment. I felt like crying so much, so I shed some tears now while writing this blog. I felt super lonely. Maybe recent events makes me feel that I'm really lonely.

Being single for such a long time. I really long for a boyfriend that can share my up and down. Seeing Anthony with his boyfriend, Alvin that day and their couple friend, Alvin and Fred if I'm not mistaken makes me feel their happiness of having someone by their side.

For me myself, I have my family only. I do have Douglas that cares for me, but I can't ask for more than he can provide. By the way, he is already occupied with his job and his boyfriend. I don't want to burden him too much,

Today such a bad day for me somehow. Suppose to have lunch with Douglas. I thought that wait for him as usual. But then who knows he will need to have lunch with the management team. So I was late for lunch with my colleague. At the same time, the place I went for lunch having a massive jam. So I decided to double park to save time. Ended up getting a summon right now from local authority.

Although some said need not to pay, I still not sure is it really can ignore that summon. I wanted to find someone to talk about it, Douglas is having family time now. Some kind of sports he is having. Leon is kinda busy as always. He no longer spare his time for me since he is no longer interested with me. Only occasionally he will find me. Tomorrow, he asks me for a movie after so many times declined my invitation to go for a movie.

Others, I really have no idea who to talk to. Some friends I don't think I want to bother them too much. Either I don't want them to have the wrong signal or I don't think they will want to entertain me that well. Let's run to my contacts in my phone.

Eric, Elvin, Jeffrey, Noel, Wilson, etc., I don't want to give them wrong signals. No point telling them then they got the wrong signal. Either they thought they have chance or thought that I'm open up a chance to them or so. No doubt, since I mentioned I don't want them to have the wrong signal, because I don't have any feeling with them.

Anthony, Douglas, all of them already attached. Calling them also they have no time to entertain me as they need to spend time with their love one. I don't want to be their burden. Not to mentioned Charles, Edmund, Jetky, Julius, Jasson, Danny, etc. where they usually won't have much time to care about me. They also have their troubles and that's it. I'm not their interest, so they won't spend much time talking to me.

Not to be negative, but it's true that I can't always rely on them. Of course I'm still like a piece of meat on the freezer, frozen. There is no one who want to or seek me for the purpose of wanting a relationship with me, except for sexual fun. There is a possibility that I'm really bad. I doesn't seem that I'm going to have anyone interested to date me as a potential boyfriend material. It's been 2 years.

Financially I'm suck too. This summon I get today, if I need to pay up, I'm going to be dead. I'm already don't know how am I going to get a new pair of nice walking shoes and some new clothes for Chinese New Year. I haven't even include that I'm going to pay my study loan. I'm going insane soon.

I'm No Longer Know How to Deal with People

I felt some pressure dealing with people nowadays. Probably just these recent days. Dealing with my "P" team in my company is hectic. They doesn't seem to get what we want most of the time. Mr. Y is kinda helpful, thank God but most of them ain't the same case. Mr. Z is headache for me.

Just for today, I want to get a retail pack sample also cannot get it. I called up Mr. Y, he asked me to refer Ms. Y. Then that lady asked me to refer Mr. L from warehouse, but he is no where to be found. The people here push me around only.

In my own department, I start to find harder to communicate with Ms. C. She is cool, into her job but then I seriously think that we are not being nice as a team. Like for example, I try to ask her some stuff, maybe she is busy with her stuff as well, but then she is like wouldn't careless about it.

Maybe she is right, that the stupid system that Ms. Y wants us to comply causes us to prepare lots of paperwork, but then till things is clarify, can't she don't confuse everybody with it. She has her own style. I find it hard to work with her sometimes.

No doubt she is capable, but then she really do things her way and kinda ignore others at times. Is it her way suitable for this job? If so, then am I not competent for this job then? Am I still suitable for it?

I do like my job, but I'm worried that if I'm not suitable for this job. Then I'm going no where far. I do hope I can excel in my career too. I really need to boost up my EQ. If not, how am I going to be assistant manager next time. At least that is what I'm aiming for.

In conclusion, I just find it hard to deal with people especially in working world. Not to mention clients, right? Client is always the headache part. I still need to find a way to talk to Monnie soon. I wonder how to talk to her about the problem we are facing. Till I send her the samples then only decide on how to make things work.

Changes

Lots of changes happened when Douglas not around. The "P" department or rather team starts to be lazy or perhaps won't careless about things that I told them about. Things that suppose to be done is not done till now. It taken a month already yet they replied me that it may take another month. How am I going to deal with my client?

With new recruit, one of my old friend, BH is working with me, I found out that there is some pros and cons. The pros are that we can have lunch together, chat when we are free, make fun of each other, take care each other butt, etc. Just hope that he won't kick my butt.

With his absence in the company, lots of things I need to handle myself and I feel a bit hopeless. Maybe I'm still pretty useless at this moment. I felt like JY is very well better than me in the department. At times I do feel like she is looking down on me. Maybe I'm thinking too much but then I can't help thinking that too. Maybe because she handle local market, so always seems meeting up clients.

Anyway, there are some new arrangement in term of job scope. According to one of my manager, our job divided into 2, internal and external duties. Internally, I'm dealing with stock list updates and track the stock. Whereas external, still tag back to export.

New recruit is pretty sad. He needs to deal with local clients for external and internally deal with quotation and price. Last but not least our "Mulan" of the team, she will required to deal with corporate client and internally with sales order and chasing them for goods.

I heard that he is thinking to hired one more person. Well, I have not much idea about what's going on because I was in the training hall and not in the meeting itself.

News about us shifting to a floor below is kind of certain already. The floor plan is out but I'm thinking the sitting arrangement for our team is not that good. If it can relocate our self, I think I'll choose to sit nearer to my Senior Manager as I will need to deal with him most rather than letting JY and BH place near to him and not to their respective manager.

Today I saw our Director and Senior GM as well as Admin Manager chit chatting about the renovation of the ground floor to accommodate us. I believe the shift will be any where soon or latest by this first quarter of the year.