Am I being unreasonable for showing my feeling of unhappiness and unsatisfactory? I thrown out a lot of my feeling to him the afternoon and I don't think he will be happy about it. I might just seems to be an unreasonable person to him and just another unsuitable person for him.
He mentioned that he also has a lot of stress, primarily if his parents found out that he is gay and attached to me. Did he think that it doesn't bother me too? If his parents found out, I'm not just gonna lose a job but also losing him. Did he knows about that? Who is in the worst condition now?
I'm frustrated of trying so hard to know more about him but he will always answer me superficially. I'm the one who always tell him everything that happen in my life. Probably he gets bored about it. I think I'll just silent about it next time. Let him just continue with his political issue and business talk to me and that's what our relationship topic based on most.
I don't know is it me being unreasonable or something is missing somewhere. I just hope that he can spend some time to clarify with me and solve it. But most of the time, the standard answer I will get is that he might not be able to satisfy me, I can go and source for someone that able to satisfy me, or he can't be a perfect boyfriend for me, etc.
I'm not asking him to be perfect. I just want everything we have problem, we can go through it together. Is that too much to ask? If I can so easy find someone else, it simply means that I don't love him anymore.
I know he can let go of me easily. That's what I think, I'm not sure he thinks that way or not. But he never give me a solid answer to this also. If one day his parents really found out (which I think is highly possible as how u want to hide it further when u reaches 30 something or 40 years old), I think he will easily let me go.
I don't know what is the future stands for me and him. Can I predict? I'll plan for the worst if you ask me. So how am I going to be not emotional. I'm not trying to be unreasonable or emotional all the time to him. I'm just too afraid to lose him. Ever he thought that of that or not?
He thinks that we have more problem after being official. It's not more, but more taken out to be discuss. When I'm not his official boyfriend, do I dare to even raise up such issue? Why would he cares about it? Me jealous o him sleeping around when I'm just another date only? I just hide my pain.
His fun sauna time, that had some soft sex with some guys, I'm already accept it. His past, I don't mind because we aren't official. But is wanting to know also cannot? I'm frustrated because I can't get him telling me about it. He only tell me briefly and then mentioned to me that he don't like talking about it.
If he don't like talking about sex issue, how am I going to share with him mine? He always tease me. Do he knows that I'm controlling myself so hard. Being horny for him and yet I get nothing from him. Seduce him but he is either tired or wrong timing. What he wants me to do? Slept with someone else because he doesn't mind? I think I need counselling for my sex life already. Should I be a slut or not? He don't even have the time to talk to me about this.
If you (I mean my boyfriend) read this. I just want you to know I love you but I don't know what to expect from you. I can't be hiding in the toilet crying about it. I just hope to have some time to talk to you and see what we can do to identify problem and satisfy needs.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
It Is Easier To Say Than To Do
I'm feeling that I'm being stupid. I thought I can take it easily of those thing that I'll never expect from a boyfriend. However, it's really harder to accept it than to say it. Like the Chinese proverbs, "Needle does not poke to flesh, you won't feel the pain".
I do really feel uncomfortable when he mentioned that he wanted to go to sauna with his friends, Dave and his boyfriend. He did asked me to tag along. However, I don't think that's convenient.
He is having a forum to attend and he will be going there straight after the forum.I can't be waiting at the office till 9pm to meet them up right? The sauna is located at Damansara Uptown. If I went home then only head to the sauna, the distance kill me. Not to mention the time I get home, I'll probably no need to get to work already.
It's just makes me feel totally blank and I don't know what to expect. I know I have no reason to mad at him or even be unhappy about it. It's him from the beginning. I've to accept it. Fantasy kind of love life is not going to happen on me.
I hope my friend, Charles found his true love. Hope that all the romance he is having, all the tender and greatness about this boyfriend of his is everlasting. I don't hope he will experience things that I don't want to experience. I know the pain.
It's been awhile that he didn't follow my blog as he used to. So I think I'm free to blog about anything. By the time he read this, it's history already. Anyway, even this sauna issue consider history too. He already went for it and back home.
To say that I'm happy, of course not or else it simply means my heart is totally dead for him. I'm no longer loving him. To say that I'm super unhappy about it, I don't think I've the privilege to be. It's what we agreed upon before our relationship. If I wanted to make it an issue, it simply means I want this relationship to end.
I wonder do I need to try so hard to satisfy him? Will he be doing the same to me in the way I wanted it to be? Will he try his best to make me feel secure? How can I cope on with this issue again in the future? Dammit, I hope I can answer to all that. I'm f*cking hate myself being emotional over this issue.
I do really feel uncomfortable when he mentioned that he wanted to go to sauna with his friends, Dave and his boyfriend. He did asked me to tag along. However, I don't think that's convenient.
He is having a forum to attend and he will be going there straight after the forum.I can't be waiting at the office till 9pm to meet them up right? The sauna is located at Damansara Uptown. If I went home then only head to the sauna, the distance kill me. Not to mention the time I get home, I'll probably no need to get to work already.
It's just makes me feel totally blank and I don't know what to expect. I know I have no reason to mad at him or even be unhappy about it. It's him from the beginning. I've to accept it. Fantasy kind of love life is not going to happen on me.
I hope my friend, Charles found his true love. Hope that all the romance he is having, all the tender and greatness about this boyfriend of his is everlasting. I don't hope he will experience things that I don't want to experience. I know the pain.
It's been awhile that he didn't follow my blog as he used to. So I think I'm free to blog about anything. By the time he read this, it's history already. Anyway, even this sauna issue consider history too. He already went for it and back home.
To say that I'm happy, of course not or else it simply means my heart is totally dead for him. I'm no longer loving him. To say that I'm super unhappy about it, I don't think I've the privilege to be. It's what we agreed upon before our relationship. If I wanted to make it an issue, it simply means I want this relationship to end.
I wonder do I need to try so hard to satisfy him? Will he be doing the same to me in the way I wanted it to be? Will he try his best to make me feel secure? How can I cope on with this issue again in the future? Dammit, I hope I can answer to all that. I'm f*cking hate myself being emotional over this issue.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Unpredictable Sex Life
I never thought of this issue will come up in this relationship of mine with my current boyfriend. Perhaps I never encounter such problem with my ex-boyfriend other than he wanting it too often. It has become an unpleasant topic for me to discuss with him.
As for many couple, discussing about sex life is a very healthy thing. It does help to strengthen the relationship and the intimacy that you may desire in the future. It's important to sustain a healthy sex life as it sustain your relationship.
However, I found out that it might not be in my situation. My boyfriend seems to be a guy that loves to date more than one person but he will commit to one boyfriend (which is me) only. However, that doesn't mean that he won't date others and have sex. It will be more on the soft sex.
The problem not on how polygamy he will be. That is something I'm prepared of, or at least I'm aware of the danger before even commit to him. It's more on the quality of intimacy we will be. In fact, our sex life becoming less intimate.
What sadden me at times is that I don't know whether he is trying hard to make this relationship stable or not. He has thousands of things in his head which makes me feel that he won't have the time for me. There is so many other factors that I'll have to take into consideration at every given one time. I'm felt so stress sometimes trying to please him. I want him to be happy with me but it does makes me feel lack of something.
By the way, back to the sex part. We haven't have a great sex I think more than 5 months. Yes, we did anal recently but it's just very brief sex. I wasn't satisfy as I didn't even reach climax nor even started to enjoy it yet. But I can't force him to have sex with me if he don't feel having it.
I've tried to discuss it with him but we didn't go any further to solve this problem. He did mentioned that whether finding a sex buddy for me will help. But will it help? I'm thinking to wait for him to give me a good sex. But that doesn't seems will happen any sooner as he didn't seems to be able to do it. I have no idea about this.
Do we have to end up like my friend? Having a boyfriend that each can have fun outside but just remember the way back 'home'. Well, if both is top or both also bottom, I'm probably think that they have no choice. But me, do I need to be like that?
I wonder who can assist me in this matter? I don't think my boyfriend will be happy reading this journal. But I think I just have to voice out what inside of me. God bless.
As for many couple, discussing about sex life is a very healthy thing. It does help to strengthen the relationship and the intimacy that you may desire in the future. It's important to sustain a healthy sex life as it sustain your relationship.
However, I found out that it might not be in my situation. My boyfriend seems to be a guy that loves to date more than one person but he will commit to one boyfriend (which is me) only. However, that doesn't mean that he won't date others and have sex. It will be more on the soft sex.
The problem not on how polygamy he will be. That is something I'm prepared of, or at least I'm aware of the danger before even commit to him. It's more on the quality of intimacy we will be. In fact, our sex life becoming less intimate.
What sadden me at times is that I don't know whether he is trying hard to make this relationship stable or not. He has thousands of things in his head which makes me feel that he won't have the time for me. There is so many other factors that I'll have to take into consideration at every given one time. I'm felt so stress sometimes trying to please him. I want him to be happy with me but it does makes me feel lack of something.
By the way, back to the sex part. We haven't have a great sex I think more than 5 months. Yes, we did anal recently but it's just very brief sex. I wasn't satisfy as I didn't even reach climax nor even started to enjoy it yet. But I can't force him to have sex with me if he don't feel having it.
I've tried to discuss it with him but we didn't go any further to solve this problem. He did mentioned that whether finding a sex buddy for me will help. But will it help? I'm thinking to wait for him to give me a good sex. But that doesn't seems will happen any sooner as he didn't seems to be able to do it. I have no idea about this.
Do we have to end up like my friend? Having a boyfriend that each can have fun outside but just remember the way back 'home'. Well, if both is top or both also bottom, I'm probably think that they have no choice. But me, do I need to be like that?
I wonder who can assist me in this matter? I don't think my boyfriend will be happy reading this journal. But I think I just have to voice out what inside of me. God bless.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Bad Start of the Week
I believe there will be up and down in any relationship. It's really up to the couple, how the both of them manage to solve every down fall of the relationship or even to prevent any small issues getting bigger. I believe that we can't compare with others. The moment you start to judge other and compare, others judge and compare of you too.
It's always seems others have a greater life, better living and love one. But what makes you unique is that you are mean something to someone, not that someone that you envy of. Do treasure the one you love and stay beside them. Don't let those small matter blind you from greater good.
Well, life isn't perfect on Earth. It should be more perfect on heaven when we finally meet with our Father. But that's not what I'm intented to share here now. I want to share about how completely I'm lost and feeling hurtful just because of some silly things happened. I wonder how am I going to achieve the level of being a happy man for Lord.
We should be more positive but when an event strike, you won't or probably only I can't be immediately be positive about it. Like today, early of the day, Douglas makes it sound like I'm such a waste or a liability to the company. He asks me is that I have nothing else better to do. I was just asking him whether he has a document that I need. If he has it, then I can finish up because I worry I'll forget about it.
I'm the person if I can finish it up now, why not now before I forget. I don't know why he thinks that I'm not doing anything else beside that. I'm so demotivated. Seriously, in this company, I didn't really feel there is any motivation besides him. If not because I love him, I think it's so hard for me to stay on.
Well, I'm not going to repeat the whole company situation again that doesn't motivates us. Long story cut short, a company that has no incentive and no bonus is difficult to motivate people to work harder for it. But why am I trying so hard? Only He knows. I mean Lord. I don't want to think too much. I'll just focus on my day and leave everything to God. For him, he will never read this till kinda late or pass quite some time.
It's always seems others have a greater life, better living and love one. But what makes you unique is that you are mean something to someone, not that someone that you envy of. Do treasure the one you love and stay beside them. Don't let those small matter blind you from greater good.
Well, life isn't perfect on Earth. It should be more perfect on heaven when we finally meet with our Father. But that's not what I'm intented to share here now. I want to share about how completely I'm lost and feeling hurtful just because of some silly things happened. I wonder how am I going to achieve the level of being a happy man for Lord.
We should be more positive but when an event strike, you won't or probably only I can't be immediately be positive about it. Like today, early of the day, Douglas makes it sound like I'm such a waste or a liability to the company. He asks me is that I have nothing else better to do. I was just asking him whether he has a document that I need. If he has it, then I can finish up because I worry I'll forget about it.
I'm the person if I can finish it up now, why not now before I forget. I don't know why he thinks that I'm not doing anything else beside that. I'm so demotivated. Seriously, in this company, I didn't really feel there is any motivation besides him. If not because I love him, I think it's so hard for me to stay on.
Well, I'm not going to repeat the whole company situation again that doesn't motivates us. Long story cut short, a company that has no incentive and no bonus is difficult to motivate people to work harder for it. But why am I trying so hard? Only He knows. I mean Lord. I don't want to think too much. I'll just focus on my day and leave everything to God. For him, he will never read this till kinda late or pass quite some time.
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