Today is a very special day. I went through up and down, high and low of mixed feelings in me. I suppose to blog about my Singapore trip on my very own blog, but I found it that I need to shout out here and let that post to be on the next time I'm on the mood to blog about it.
This morning, I tried so hard to wake up early so that I can attend the sermon at church with him. He did called me to check out whether I'm still asleep or not. It is sweet and I kinda love it. The best is that he came over to pick me up. In this more than a month official commitment with him, he did pick me up quite a far bit of times.
It's great that I've some good time with me serving Lord and praise Him. I felt like Lord did give me what I need. However, I also think that Lord is testing me all the time. Is this a test? Or simply Lord never give me what I wanted; just that's what I presumed it to be and now Lord is showing this sign to me?
He told me that he will spend some time with me, at least dinner with me since that he can't make it last night. After the sermon today, he told me that his dad called and he has lunch with his family later. I'm totally cool with it as I'm prepared that he might be pull off by his family for lunch. I'm expecting dinner with him.
Of course, seeing my blog here now means that it doesn't go as what I expected. To make it worst, my expectation is not crush yet but given more hope then only crush it. He told me that he has a dinner with his family's friend, a YB; somewhere around Seputeh. That's kinda near to my place. He told me that he will find me after his dinner about 9pm.
I I was thinking that he just want to make me feel good but he won't be able to make it, so I told him if he can't make it the forget it. But he asked me can I meet him after that. That's make me thought that he really can make it. He told me that he will feed me since I told him I'll probably skip dinner.
Later, my godbrother, Danny called me for a gathering dinner at his house. Meet back some of his godbrothers too and god-sons. I thought it is a good idea to occupied my time and at least I get to eat with someone. That turns out to be good yet bad. Seeing all of them, couples over couples makes me feel lonely. My godbrother asked me why not taking my boyfriend along. I'm speechless.
I tried to contact him before 9 to check whether will there be any changes in the earlier plan. I didn't get any response at all until just now at 9.30pm. He asked me whether can he drop by. Of course he can but I just felt it's a bit too late already since we have to work tomorrow. At least I have to wake up early for work and he don't need too.
He mentioned that he will be at my house another half an hour, which means about 10pm. Isn't that a bit too late for anything? The "feed me" thingy shall be forget it. Well, I've my dinner already and at this time, what to feed me? No point already to eat at this hour as I don't eat supper usually. I can't sleep for at least 2 hours after eating.
Well, I know that he loves me. He does care about me and even though he can't make it on time, he still try to drop by. I should be happy. But then somehow, I feel sad also. Why all the plan for me always seems to be failed or doesn't turns out the way we wanted. Are we lacking the couple thing? I mean like what a normal couple or gay couple will do. Maybe we ain't normal gay couple. I don't know.
When expectation turns out to be a kind of disappointment, the feeling sucks. Well, he told me not to swear as it's not good and Lord won't want us to. Well. My intention is not at the bad side. I'm just expressing myself. I don't even know myself I think.
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