A Serious Gamble

I think if Boon Hein read this, he will think that I am stupid. Well, love is blind I guess. It is also about sacrifice. Perfect love never exist in my life before. I felt like it's resides only on fairy tales or those who are lucky enough to experience it.

I took the most principal breaking gamble in my life, to fall in love again. But this time, it's a person that I don't know that I will be able to be with forever but I know I love him forever. We both agreed to start our relationship with some terms and conditions.

I don't know is my decision is right or wrong, whether agreeing in such condition is what I want or not, but I know it's against my norm. However, looking at my surrounding, almost all gay guys are animal themselves. I mean the animal instinct that resides in their soul.

Only a small fraction of gay guys that are truly loyal to their partners and never cheat on them. I will say 95% not in that region. So that makes only 5% of gay guys are happily loving couple that are meant for each other.

How about the 95%? Well, 30% will still ended up having relationship, but still cheat behind their partner's back. I knew it because my ex-boyfriend did so. My pet brother did it too. Some of my friends did that too. That's how I know it, it's the animal instinct of having different sex partners.

The remaining 55% of gay guys, out of 20% are those who in open relationship or having more than one partners and happy with it. They are those that officially letting their partners to have someone else and they themselves having someone else too. The remaining 35% are those who totally looking for fun, no string attached at all.

So, thinking for a long period of time, since I love him, and I know that he loves me too. Just that I know that I will never be able to lock him physically for me only. I think I have to let him do what he will be doing but closing one eye about it if I want him to be mine.

Just like history, or current life. Men seems to love the concept of having many wives or girlfriends. The emperor has many wives and concubines. The Muslims can have 4 wives. It's just an animal side of every men.

Thus, I decided to let him do what he wants, just that he has to love me one and only one. Sexually, I granting him the opportunity to go for someone else provided it's just for fun with condom, and no string attached at all.

I'm still digesting this whole thing. I think I do need some time to get use to it but I don't think I do have a choice. Maybe you will say I do, by not doing so but I really love him and I needed him. It's not that there is another pure guy will wanted to be with me and he is the purest guy that will never will cheat on me.

I just hope that he will truly love me and never lie to me. That's the core of the relationship. I think I can try hard to forgive him for having sex out there with someone else. I just treat it as he find a whore, at least that doesn't seems to hurt so bad. But if he find someone else as boyfriend, I'm screwed.

Perception of Love (Extension)

I guess he will not notice this blog entry so soon as I've just blog one yesterday and one in this afternoon. Refer to my latest entry at my main blog page, I think love is very difficult thing that I'm having. I choose to love and to have a relationship. However, relationship doesn't choose me.

I know the feeling of loving someone that you know that he will never be that person in your life no matter how hard you have tried. I've waited for him, yet not hoping for anything that will return. It's somehow quite hurting but you just can't help it. Loving someone that will not love you back the same way that you expected is really bad.

It's luck I guess. Probably I don't have the luck of having a relationship. As I said, don't mention that I don't except those who asked me to their boyfriend. If you mean someone decent that is my type somehow, then that's fine. If those uncles, totally out of my expectation, then you know why it doesn't work out.

Lord himself really tested me for a very long time. It's either he hates me or he loves me a lot. Hates me so he doesn't grant my wish to settle with someone that I love or love me so much that doesn't want to grant me someone that will not wanted to settle with me. Perhaps no one wanted to settle with me. I'm not super attractive or like Cheston that keep on having new boyfriends.

I wonder how he can change his boyfriend like changing clothes. I wanted to find one "clothes" that fits me also super duper difficult. So Lord, I hope you can answer my prayers. If I don't deserve someone in my life, why don't you just take me back to be by your side. At least in heaven, I'll find my love on You.

I'm really feeling so bad. I don't what I need to do or what I should do. I wanted to cry out, wanted to borrow someone's shoulder to lean on and cry out load. It's like a huge stone that crushing my chest. I'm feeling lonely. Everyone, or most of my friends already attached, married or been dating for years and start living together. I'm so happy for them yet so envy of them. Why can I have one?

I think this blog page, I can start naming it as "The Unpopular Boyfriend Candidate". I can't imagine me getting older. I'll be so lonely living alone doing silly things. No one will share the life with me. Oh gosh, I can't be writing sad story on my blog and keeps on letting my tears fall like a waterfall. Any solution to my problem?

My Fragile Life

I think my life is kind of fragile. Many things I can't cope and digest it in time. I felt hopeless most of the time. Should I say that I'm a failure? I fail to find someone that can spend the rest his life with me and will be happy living with me. I've fail to be strong to stop myself to love a person that I'll never have him to myself.

It's a life that I'll have to cope with yet I have no idea how to cope. I can't imagine my life in another 10 years. I'll be really old to look for a boyfriend that time. No more market value for a bottom like me, not to mention that I have none already now. I'm just feeling helpless.

I think maybe it's just a sudden gush of feeling that I'm no longer young and I'm still single. Looking at most of my friends are getting their partner, getting married, having babies, etc., makes me feel I'm getting older real fast. I'm still a single guy waiting for somebody to love. Waiting that special someone in my life forever.

Not just straight friends, even my gay's friend also found their love. Most of the guys, previously trying to date me or even wanted me to his boyfriend which I rejected due to some issues did finally get someone in their life. I'm happy for them and atthe same time I'm envy them. Why couldn't I have the same treatment? Is Lord really wanted to test my sincerity towards love?

I've been single for coming 3 years, hasn't I waited long enough? If u say I'm not trying hard to look for one, I did. But none showing real interest on me (except those sincerely I have no feeling for). If Lord's grace is to give me really unrealistic guy, I don't know what should I do anymore.

If u say Lord test my sincerity towards one person, I've keep waitin for someone past 2 years already. Despite that I don't put high hope on him, but I did thought of before whether I'll be his someone special one day or not. I did but as a best friend. He will always be just a best friend as he won't be with me and only me.

Shall I give up on love? Since love will not like safe investment, it's not like you invest one dollar you will gain back one dollar. I think for me, my investment for love is always seems to be depreciate or will never recover the amount invested. I think I can only blame myself for my stupidity of believing true love exist for myself.

True love is for those fortunate people. It's more for those who have great things on them. I have none, I'll have only love from my family and God. Just happened that God always tested me. The love I receive from someone else will not exceed what I'm hoping for. I should bear that in mind. As what I can say now is love will hurts if it's not what you expected it to be. A bitter sweet sensation.

I'm Feeling Helpless

Lately I have really bad feeling for myself. I don't even know is it normal anymore to feel this way. No doubt I love him a lot, but things it just seems getting far away from time to time. Maybe I can't cope up with the changes around him. He changes his mind pretty quickly.

I remember that he said that he is getting rid of those connection to any sort of gay websites or links since he wanted to run politic. Well, to certain extent I think does do what he mean for. However, I have a strong feeling that he still seeing a lot of gay guys too. Will that clash with his motive?

Anyway, I'm not his boyfriend to judge him. Even so, if he going to cheat on me, I can't change a thing about him too. The very first time I know him, I've already know that he can't keep himself to one boyfriend. How could I change the fact or even change him.

Perhaps I'm thinking too much or I'm starting to give up looking for a guy that I can settle with. I'm beginning to put my hope and love completely on him which I shouldn't. That's what he said in the begining as he already told me that he never treats me as a boyfriend before. Maybe temporally or so-called boyfriend which I don't fancy.

There is a guy who wanted me so much and has been waiting for me for past 2 years. Well, I don't know whether that guy is genuine or not, but I don't know what can I do. Waiting for him to eventually fall in love with me and only me? Am I dreaming big? I guess that will never happen unless I'm super gorgeous, which apparently I'm not.

Probably I meant to be single for my life. Why I said so? Cause that's what I think. There ain't someone that is my taste out there looking for me as a potential boyfriend and he is not taking me seriously too. I'm too old to talk about relationship as I used to do anymore. Look, he isn't even sexually attracted to me anymore.

He didn't seems to want me have those with him. I did seduce him a little, or even mentioned to him but that's it. It's either he has it already with someone or I've no idea why. But why should I care? I couldn't do a damn thing. Am I obsessive over him? Probably. I think maybe I should stop myself drowning too deep in this.

Thank you for loving me but I felt that I don't have the love I wanted yet. Perhaps you found someone better, cuter, younger, etc. and I'm no where close to be that person you want. I don't want to be important to your life because you need me to take care of your customers or work. I need someone that really needs me like how much I needed him.

Life is Never Be Easier

It's my silly time to express my frustration in life here in my little blog that probably have less than a dozen of people even bother to look at it. Well, it's a blog where I throw all my frustration in life, especially about my love life and career life here. Things that I don't wanted to share so publicly.

Lately, I think I can't really get hold on myself. I begin to feel that I'm emotional most of the time. Probably I think I'm forget where I initially wanted the whole thing to be. Maybe I step overboard the boundary that I don't wanted to. A place where I don't hope it will be with him because I know he wouldn't feel the same.

Perhaps I have been so used to being with him all the time previously or even past 2 months. We work together in the same company, not to mention we work in the same department too. He is my immediate superior too. But that doesn't change the fact that during working time, he treats me any better than any normal staff there.

What frustrates me is that I begin to feel emotional again when he so used to be with me all the time past 2 months to be more like the other him now again. It's either he is changing too fast that I started not able to cope with the change all the time or perhaps it's me changing, thinking that I'm super important in his life.

I think I do have certain place in his life but I don't think it's the same as what I thought. I believe he can life even without me in his life tomorrow. It's not the same thing that we two do for each other.

I will be worried sick for his safety when he went for the peaceful rally last Saturday but he will just busy checking out the news of the rally and talking all about it to anyone and everyone that he came across with. Even having lunch with me, his soul creeps out of his temple. I'm having migraine also drive all the way to see him, wanting to see him for myself that he is really OK. I'm so stupid.

It's either his body is there to accompany me but his soul is not there, or he is not there for me at all. When he is with me physically, he will do his stuff and I do felt neglected spiritually and emotionally. If not that, he is just completely not there for me. This week, I think it's worst for me.

Today he is having his personal training session in his gym. Well, he always never ask me out if he has a training session at the gym. This coming Wednesday, he'll be celebrating his friend's birthday, which he used to like him. His ex-boyfriend will be there too. Kinda awkward. Anyway, the main point is I think I've to be alone again. No more movie week this week.

For him, he already spent so much time with me at work seeing me. For me, loving him is painful at times because I felt like seeing him all the time. The solution to this is not to love him as much as I'm right now. Have to set it at maximum, friendship love. I don't even felt that he is loving me as a partner anymore.

How come I felt that way? Intuition. When someone starts to feel less attracted to you, or perhaps he is fascinating of someone else, or just has sex with someone else will reject having sex with you. I think we haven't has sex for really some time. I'm giving up on the complex relationship that I can barely cope with.

Maybe I realized now that I seriously need someone that can settle our life together, and not be in a situation that I always felt insecure when I'll be the history or perhaps lose my position in his life. I felt somehow not important to him anymore other than in work related only.