All Those Fairy Tales Are Full of Shit

I like that song "Payphone" from Maroon 5. There is some part I feel it's pretty true to my life at this point in time. Does true love like the fairy tales exist? I believe it's full of shit like the song.

The part where that really triggers all my emotions is this:
"If happy ever afters did exist, I would still be holding you like this. All those fairy tales Israel full of it, one more stupid love song, I'll be sick"

There is so many love song, especially from Taylor Swift, that give you all the fairy tales, happy ever afters love story that you put all you hopes in it. But it's really never that sweet and silky ride of it.

Finally, after so much of turbulence of hoping crushed under my skin, my heart already too tender to be even put any hope in my relationship. It's really scary to have no hope on something, but that's all I can have. It's not a relationship that will be blessed by anyone.

I understand my boyfriend's stand point. He wanted to be worthy to His Kingdom. That's why he doesn't want to commit. So actually there is also point loving me since it's not worthy according to his interpretation on bible. He is still loving me because of he just simply love me.

We believe that our God loves us because we have hopes, and then it turns to faith, and eventually come the blessing. Without hopes, we will not survive and trusting God when bad things happened.

Thus, I can conclude that there is no future ahead of us. It's like running a company because of your interest but you have no goals. The company won't survive for long. So a relationship that have no goals to built a family together, will eventually fall apart.

I'll have to prepare that this day will come. To begin with, I'll no longer have hopes in a relationship because their higher the hopes, the worst you fall. I finally understand why gay relationship can't work well. Because it just take one party that not willing to commit to ruin everything.

Gay life sucks. I'm started to hate myself to be a gay person. I can't even turn straight. Why don't God take me back to His side? It solve everything. I don't need a lover in Heaven, I need not to suffer about being a gay or not, I don't need to give a freaking care about meeting everyone's standard.

I won't want to think about having or even starting a family with my boyfriend already. It's hopeless. This relationship able to go through or fails, it's God plan. Seeing all the factors around, it's indicating we won't last. Fuck it all I care.

Long Distance & Lack of Attention

I personally feel that long distance for a relationship is definitely a bad thing to have. It is not just the feeling of missing someone is bad enough, but worst is when that person have no time to pay enough attention to you.

I believe everyone is seeking some level of attention from others. Some seek it from relationship, some from family, some in career and some in other mean of connection with other people or groups.

What if your partner doesn't seems seeking attention from you that much? They probably love to seek it from others maybe due to their personality, they love people's recognition. That's where you will feel that you have very little out of them and yet they will fell that they given you everything he can give.

This lack of balance relationship is what really causing lots of heartache, loneliness and misunderstanding due to wild guessing. Indeed it's not healthy. But there is very little we can do to improve the condition if only one party find it as an issue rather than related to both parties.

It's like what is happening in my own relationship. My boyfriend is currently at the east coast of country for a week. That's about a thousand kilometres away from where I am. I've not seen him for 4 days, and he don't have the time to talk to me.

When I contact him, he replied but lack of communication. He just answer but having very little conversation with me. I understand he is occupied with his mission, but I need him to spare some time for me. I can't be the one that most of the time trying to talk and he rarely started up a conversation.

It's sad that most of the time he is not around me, he will start a conversation requesting me to assist him on work issues. He also emphasis why am I not going for church event when I didn't. I always ask myself why can't he asks me do I want to go for something than just asking me why I'm not in it?

Well, there is always something only God will know and I can't control about it. I don't want him to be unhappy because of me. I guess I'll just have to bear this kind of emotion turbulence all the time. Just have to adapt to it and pray hard for a change.

A Phantom Deep Cut

Once again I felt a deep phantom cut in my heart of lies. Isn't hiding the truth is a lie too? If it's not, then what is it? Finding out the truth is it stupid things to do because at the end, you are the one who get hurt.

I always think that I'm not doing well enough for him because he always have his time for so many other stuff than prioritise it for me. Everything I talk about the time that we spent together, it seems that he use it so much for me and he has barely has time for himself and his friends.

But in the contrary, I felt that I don't have much friends to hangout with yet he has plenty just that is from different group of people. There is just so many things that I don't agree with him but I give in because I don't want my little expectation ruin the whole thing.

Every time that I'm getting those flirts from some other guy, I always remind myself that I'm attached. Indeed my boyfriend has no time for me, he is no longer as sensitive as he used to treat me, but since I chooses him, I've to put my heart on him, not those other guys.

Indeed there is always the time I feel and ask why can't my boyfriend be more sensitive, more caring to my needs (emotionally not just financially), etc. Why can't he be like Andrew that treats him boyfriend like a family, always by his side. Why not like this guy or that guy? But I know I can't compare.

When I needed him, he usually wasn't there by my side. Somehow I'm kinda last one to know his plan and his whereabouts. I'm actually tired of this treatment when I'm treated merely like a friend kind of feeling. He will definitely defend about it.

I mentioned to him before, even pastor mentioned before that for a relationship to be stable, friends support is very important. But then he never really enjoy having time with my friends, doing the things we do. He also almost never have his friends to have time with us. I'm merely someone he needs when he needed someone.

Those feelings is really crappy. Of course he will say that what I think and not the fact. He will proves me that he tried his best to spend time with me, his best to have friends to hangout with but he doesn't have friends, etc.

What is the worst feeling ever this time? He intentionally lie or hide the truth that he did cam-sex with a guy that I know. It just happened 3 months ago. How hurtful can I get when all things add up to be. I felt like everything to happened around me is just lies after lies.

That time, he told me that he is under going abstinence and he don't wanna lay his hand on me. We have no sex for that whole month. Not to mentioned that he gave me an expensive watch prior to that as gift. So all this is to compensate his wrong doing of cheating?

He told me all the time that I'm lucky that he has turn a new leave, turn to be a loyal boyfriend. He even mentioned that on when I don't know how to speak to him about this cam-sex cheating issue. If so that he is trying to prove, by cheating but yet claim himself loyal, I'm so out of word.

The cut is so deep that I don't even know how to forget this pain the next day. I don't know how he can look at me like nothing has happened. The wound is deep because not that he cam-sex with that guy but in fact he lie to me and can pretend that he is not that person. Can I still trust him?

God is loving and kind. But why God let this happen to me? I thought God wanted to use him to spread His love, but he spread sorrow to my heart. Maybe God use him for everyone else and not for me. I might be the person that bring him back to God but God doesn't fancy me so much.

I'm such a pathetic lover perhaps, I don't deserve a love life that really grow eternity. Love is a painful, scary thing that I began I lose grasp on. Maybe I doesn't deserve love from others. Only my family left for me now. I don't think God will grant me that wish to have a family of my own. The wound in my heart just unbearable.

Different Mindset

I found that my boyfriend and I have very different mindset. Well, it's good too have different opinion but collectively when we have quite a lot of different opinions, it's kinda chaotic. Both in term of how we look at things around our relationship.

For example, he never belief in nor I agree in gay marriage. It's technically not a Christian thing to him. For me, I'm not sure. I'm not a very mature Christian myself. But as far as I know, marriage is suppose to be holy union of two souls, and it's a blessing from God.

If God created marriage to unite two souls, why people purposely link it to only a guy and a girl? Because of God wants us to multiply? Don't you think multiply can be in many other context? Like love, like becoming a role model, becoming a great leader, etc.

For this point of view, I know my future with him is just so much I can dream of. This is the furthest I can imagine our love can grow. How about commitment? Just word of mouth as the basis of our love perhaps. There will be no holy union between us. Although I don't think of it so much, but it does bother me when he mentions that he is not supporting gay marriage.

Our than this, I'm also pretty annoyed that he doesn't really discuss things with me. Maybe the relationship getting old, I'm beginning to stuck into his life and revolve around him. I'll love to plan my time with him. But there is some disappointment time to time.

Lately, he signed up for the church mission trip to Sarawak for a week. I only know he is interested to join mission trip, but I only know that he confirmed everything today and he is leaving next Monday. It's gonna be a whole week without him around.

I begin to wonder on that spot, did he discuss this with me? Did he consider my feeling when I'm the last to know about this saying that I'm also a close person to him. Unless he doesn't consider or perhaps that is him, usually forget to consider my feeling on what he is about to do.

I'm Alone

Although I'm attached, I've a boyfriend, but I'm still feel alone very often. The time I have with my boyfriend is a lot yet little. I see him almost everyday yet we are so far.

We work together in the same company, thus seeing each other everyday is common. We attend the same church too. When I tell it to my friends, they all say I'm lucky. But when I explain the scenario, it wasn't that pleasant as they think as well.

Although I see him everyday at work, but work is work. At office, I've to treat him like any colleagues in the company to prevent suspicion. It's really hard to put on that stupid mask, pretending that we merely just friend and colleagues and nothing else.

After work or off work, he is so devoted to church and other commitment. Like Wednesday and Thursday are his bible study day. Friday is our cell group gathering and only Saturday is where we usually go to church for service.

Monday is the day usually he will spend to play badminton with me. But recently also we didn't go for 5 weeks of badminton. So, we just leave it. Tuesday I'll have to spend time for my sister to tutor her on her studies.

Looking at the whole week, basically is all occupied, but not alone for me, but with a lot of other people and I'll have to put on that stupid 'mask' and keep on pretending that we are couple.

I'm really tired and I felt really lonely inside. He has all the time for church and God and what-so-ever, but he really has very minimal time just for me. Usually the time he spend with me, there will be tendency that he is catching up with something or someone.

I felt that we began to have lesser and lesser time together. We are like getting further and further. I felt there is a gap between us. A gap that I can't see but I know it existed already. I began to not understand him and he seems to be less sensitive to me. But I usually feel that he is more sensitive to others.

Well, maybe all this is my problem. Because I'm the only one sulk at it and wasn't happy about it. I don't think he feels that is much a problem between us. Well, we began to have less communication already. He will probably think we still talk. Yes, we do talk, but no longer deeper conversation.

He is now full with his work and church. I feel I'm getting really far and started to be out of place. A feeling of fear when one day, he will be someone great at work and church, and no time for me at all. Furthermore, all this fame he earns, soon I find it that I'll no longer have a stand in his life.

At this moment, I've no friend to share with about my life, either happy or unhappy. He is always complaining about me talk about my stuff, either saying I'm draggy or he just wasn't interested at all. I'm also tired to explain all these things to him.

Is this going to be healthy in a relationship? What is happening? I'm fucking hating myself for being helpless.

It's A Crappy Feeling

I thank God for giving the opportunity to know him and finally be with him together. However, there are a lot things I need to learn and challenges I'm going to face through.

Well, he did a lot great things for me, like a birthday surprise. I'm happy for that and all the help he gave me when I needed. But occasionally, I feel I'm actually lacking of his attention.

His attention easily fall to something or someone else when captured his attention. I'm easily be neglected at that point. At times, I find that he is not so sensitive towards my feeling but only on my physical.

What I'm stating here is not absolute, but mostly how I feel about it. It's not easy to make him understand anyway. I don't plan to make him understand, because he won't get it completely. Well, it's part of learning how to get together as couple.

Well, I think I've to re-look at my finances. Suppose to be a pay rise but it doesn't come through. Always try to be positive about it as Ps. Mike prophesied that I'll have an increment this early of the year. It's already mid o the second quarter and nothing seems like it.

My mother start to nag about me for not bringing enough money home. It sounds like I'm not doing my part as a family. My mother definitely not happy of my tithing to a church yet I can't bring home food. I'm feeling so crappy.

Tried to talk to him about it, but it doesn't seems going anywhere also. I'm emotionally breakdown now. I don't have any mood already.

A Mess Up World

I can't make my life simpler as I think it could be. It's just too complicated. Both at work and personal life. There are times that I think I can solve it but I don't have the support, but there are times others just don't understand my needs. I think I don't communicate well with my superior well enough to get my job running.

I reckon why my superior is pleased with my colleague. Although they have nothing much to talk about as he mentioned, but I think they can communicate. I think my superior likes him at work quite fair bit. He didn't comment too much about him Facebook'ing, whatsapp'ing, tweeting, surfing football news and checking movies online, watching manga online, etc. He thinks he can do his job, that's matter.

I think I'm started to be useless in the department soon. What's the point of me aiming for a new level or position in the company? Someone almost same level as me, just the title is lower in term of seniority having more recognition than I do. Well, the job scope is really up to my superior. Maybe I'm still in the company because I'm his boyfriend only. Perhaps I'm no longer useful to him in the department.

It might be something that he found in him that I don't have. Probably brain, so decision making power. It's not that I don't want to take decision, but the decision I made, always doesn't seems to be a priority to the company. I think I'm useless to this industry already. It's just too bad I can't afford to run my own business only.

He always mentioned that he don't have friends. I don't know how to define this. His list of friends is much more than I have in Facebook. But he consider those he meet up, not those keep in touch in cyber space. I do have a few friend to hang out, but I don't have friend to catch up in cyber space. He can spend most of his time whatsapp'ing all his friends, what can I do? I'm just lonely.

For now on, I think I have to start learning how to be lonely or alone. He already started demanding for more private space. I guess he meant that I'm taking too much of his time. Well, Monday we spend badminton together with a bunch of friends where we can't be taking much of our stuff. Tuesday like today, he rarely spend time with me, it's his personal time. Wednesday, mainly we spend it for our Bible study. Thursday, he has his church ministry study. Friday, we have cell group together where he will spend most of the time chatting with other cell member. Saturday, we only meet for lunch then church. Sunday, rarely we hang out.

I don't know is that taking too much of his time? If so, I think I don't want to hang out too much with him already. Badminton on Monday is consider accompany me already. Seeing him on Friday for cell group also consider, inclusive of Saturday seeing him for church services. I think there is no need for private time for ourselves unless he wants it. I give back the time he thinks he needs it for himself and for his friends.

I think I will have to live my life to be stronger to be alone. He won't have the time to spend it with me as he used to be already. There is no more movie date, no more hang out for gym (which I can't afford it), no more dinner date unless necessary or special occasion.

I just don't understand him. Everything I do seems to be wrong to him. Everything I do seems about myself only, not about us. Maybe I'm a selfish bastard that doesn't seems to take others priority. Lord, am I asking too much from someone that I love of their time?

Tiring Melaka Trip

Today is a good day because I'm not stranded in my office. We have an exhibition at Melaka International Trade Centre (MITC) for a government event. It's actually a green technology seminar.

So we took this opportunity to enjoy the Melaka food, especially the nyonya food. We went to the famous Donald and Lily's Nyonya Restaurant.

After that, it not that enjoyable. My boyfriend went back first as he has an appointment to attend to. So left me with one of my colleague.

We decided to eat dinner at Melaka and enjoy the sight seeing here in Melaka. Although we have almost nothing much to talk about, we manage to struggle through, or at least me did.

After all the walks and eating, we decided to head home. Since I'm not driving, he will have to drop me home. But I've no idea why most people are so stubborn.

Taking the KL-Seremban Highway back to KL will pass by my area first and shorter the distance than taking that North-South Central link. That route will have to cut through Subang in order for he to drop me home first.

Well, I'm not the one driving, I can't complaint. But I did advice my colleague but he still insisting to take that road. I rest my case but I'm definitely not too happy. Longer distance, getting home late, what's he thinking?

I tried to text my boyfriend to tell me about it. Instead of understanding my situation and try to ease my frustration, he actually ask me rest my case as if it's nothing is wrong. I don't know it is the top and straight thingy or my boyfriend just don't care how I feel sometimes.

Changes

I heard before people say changes is good and I know it's good. However, there are time where it doesn't turns out to be good or as good as we think of.

There are a lot of changes going through my life, either in relationship, or work life. Family life is pretty stable and stagnant. Not much changes.

In relationship, my boyfriend is more likely to listen to me. However, it's more like argument at this where he really wants me to spill out the beans. The problem is I don't like argument. There is always problem in expressing myself to him as he hardly find me understandable.

The biggest change I'm facing now is that I don't know whether he likes someone else without him realising it or it's me who is being paranoid about. I don't know and I think I can understand this whole situation. I'm at the breaking point.

I've try to talk to him about it but it's just going nowhere. He always thinks that I'm comparing or simply being jealous. His temper is no longer good to me whenever such issue rises. I'm feed up dealing with such issues too. Probably, I'm hopeless when comes to relationship or dealing with people.

At work, he is treating the new staff well. So well that I think is so not himself anymore. All the staff use to be doing the job themselves or even need to find out themselves, which including myself. However, this new staff is having so much privilege.

Simple task like sending goods to kne of our customer, which he always instruct us to Google it up, but now ask me to accompany that new staff. I'm really upset with his changes but if this is what he wants, I can't do anything about it.

I begin to question myself am I professional enough to take all this crappy issue at work with him like this all the time. I've no issue with him till lately he begins to treat new staff so differently. Maybe I'm not that worthy to him anymore. If so, I should be leaving the company for both benefits.

I believe he won't stop me for even thinking about it. He mentioned before, he won't stop me if I wanted to leave. I think maybe Pastor Mike Connell get the wrong message from God. I'm promoted but haven't have any pay rise nor better work prospect. I'm begin to feel I'm drowning.

Lord, please guide me. Am I your least favourite son? I'm scared to face the challenges in front of me already. Mind as well you take me back with you rather than facing all this heart aching experience.

Helpless Feeling

Today I feel a bit helpless. I'm suppose to be at church at 9am. I'm thinking to complete the baptism form that my cell group leader emailed to me. Everything is not done till now as the time already 9.15am.

I woke up this morning thinking I can't be sure how to really answer those question. I did briefly refer back to my first foundation course book but I'm still blur about it. So I tried to ask my boyfriend for some help.

Thinking that he might guide me. I texted him those questions and I actually suggested my answer. I'm just thinking it some weird so want his opinion and guide, but it turns out a little bit disappointing. He texted me back, asking me to refer my book and let him go back to sleep.

I understand he slept very late last night, so do I. I can't help it to ask him for help, and I know is the worst time. I think I'll feel better if he tells me that he will try to sort out with me later than just ask me to do it yourself or think yourself. As if like I don't have a brain or I'm that lazy to think.

Well, it's just some frustration only. I'm not mad at him. Kind of used to his attitude that insensitiveness. He is only sensitive occasionally and that's the bonus I'll have.

Waited for 20 minutes for my cell leader for my bible study. He mentioned that Kelvin is joining. But till now I didn't see them. I've texted my leader but no reply. Probably have to cancel it again today. Church service is about to start soon. I don't think we can finish in less that 30 minutes for a lesson.

Tough Day

Although I mentioned all the great things he did for me last night on Valentine's Day, I do feel frustrated or disturbed with things happening around me too. It's not his fault but the situation always seems pretty bad for me on and off.

Today at work, I'm super loaded with work. I really have very little of his time. He isn't free for lunch with me nor have the time to really talk with me. Neither do I have the privilege of time to spare for him as I'm so occupied with work.

I'm at the state that I would not care less if I miss out some of the things that I need to do until people rush me about it. I can't cope with which is more and which is less important to handle at a time. Probably I'm not that capable to uphold the position that I'm right now in the company.

I can see that he has high hope and great expecting for the coming new colleague that will be assigned to be our business development executive. Although he mentioned that he is not any higher position than me, but somehow that new guy is consider a treat to me. He is highly appreciated by my boyfriend, even simple stuff also he do it for him.

I never seen him purposely email, fill up forms, interview out of office, etc. for any candidate. This new guy is really different. I know he needs someone of his talent or I would say the field. You can say that I am jealous of him having all this attention from a superior, if he is not even a close friend of his. Whereas, the staff I need to hired wasn't really in the main picture.

He is definitely busy and have little time to spare for me. I wanted to talk more about we, but seriously, I can't. We don't have good foundation on communication. I can't communicate with him at times because it's either he don't have the time to spare or he didn't seems to listen. Even if he does, he doesn't show it's in his mind. I don't mean he don't care at all, just doesn't show like he does.

Like the issue of getting a new car, we haven't really sit down and discuss in details whether I can afford it or not. With my salary, if I need to purchase a new car, how to pay the deposit and the installment every month? That haven't calculate the maintenance of the car, which is a cost after all.

I felt very demotivated and lack of confident to talk to him about myself, things that happening around me because I don't know anything about him until the very last minute. Things like his DAP stop by, he in enrolling in to study in seminary, his lectures in KL down town, etc. I have no idea till it happened. Why am I always the last to know things that happening around him?

Maybe I should implies the don't ask don't tell policy. Since we both doesn't communicate much about it to the very last minute. I'm already getting the feeling of communicate about our life is more on a one sided thing as he didn't share much of his. I hope we can resolve this but I'll let the Lord to assist. I'm speechless already.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is another normal day actually, however it has been use widely by those retailers to market their product. It linked to romantic dinner, special gift, flowers, etc. for just this very day. By the way, it's still brilliant to celebrate it with your love one. About the history and origin of this day, I'll rather skip it.

My Valentine's celebration goes very well this year. At least we truly celebrated it for the first time as lover. The first time we celebrated, I overnight at his place because it falls during Chinese New Year and his parents are not around. He cooked for me that time, a pretty simple spaghetti. Last year, we just have dinner at Tony Roma's after work and that's it.

This year, it should be consider the most romantic celebration we had so far. He actually take some time to prepare for this day. He cooked for me again this year and nice setup. We celebrated at his apartment, where he lighted so many candles with almost no lighting except from the candles itself. The table setup is gorgeous, and I truly amaze the effort he puts in as I have never experience before so far.

He sat me down at the dining table and told me that he prepared 4 course meal dinner for me tonight to celebrate our love. He served me with a glass of ice water and then walk into his kitchen and prepare his first dish. I'm truly sorry that I can't recall all those fancy Italian name of those dishes but it should goes well with my lame man English terms.

The first course is of course the appetiser, which is a mushroom salad, topped with balsamic vinegar, cheese and truffles oil. He then opened a bottle of red wine and poured it out into two wine glass. It's a Cabernet Sauvignon 2005 called Beringer from Founder's Estate, California, USA. According to him, that bottle cost around RM400.00 and I'm flattered.

After the first course is done, he then proceed to get his second course to be served in front of me. Although there was some waiting here and there, but the feeling is awesome. His second course is an antipasti, which literally mean "before the meal", a common first course of Italian cuisine. He made an Italian kind of salami pasta, topped with Kosher salt, olive oil and cheese.

The third course, the main course of the whole night is the steak. He cooked me an Australian Marble 7 wagyu beef, which it pretty expensive, with mushroom and Brussels sprout as sides. It's really an amazing night and great dinner with great wine. It's such a heaven that time. He ended with the last course, ice cream from Ben & Jerry.

We then continue eating our ice cream while watching his DVD, titled "Shakespeares in Love". Well, it's kind of old English or perhaps very poetic English they used in the whole movie and I'm like asking him what they are trying to say all the time. It's really a good movie just too poetic I need time to digest what their are saying. No wonder my literature is so bad back in high school.

That's the night we spent with each other on the special occasion or day. Well, I just got him a Valentine's card in exchange for all this special things that he did for me. It's really amazing and I don't know how to put it in words.

Jealousy

I never felt so bad for quite some time after officially on relationship with my boyfriend. The last time I recall that I'm really jealous is during the time when he wanted to go to sauna with his friends and he did something more than just enjoying sauna.

This time I never expect to jealous on a new hired colleague that haven't even officially commence into the company. My boyfriend treated him super great like as if I'm the second priority, at least that's how I'm feeling.

When I first hired into his company, I was only get to know the company by asking around people, been shown around by HR, and get to know more about my role after 3 weeks in the company. He wasn't even there to guide me until later about a month I'm in the company.

This Mr. Alvin seems to be either so privileged or something special in him that my boyfriend interviewed him at Starbucks during public holiday and buy him drinks. I've to travel all the way to The Curve for his interview. When I say I'm bored after the interview, he actually ask me to go home and rest.

Today, he even ask me to prepare his uniform, tour him around the factory before he even commenced in the company, and even plan where he should be seated when he commenced. The best part is that he even planned about including him to the US business trip and exclude me.

I don't know whether my boyfriend is insensitive or perhaps never understand about how I'll feel when he doesn't seem to prioritise me or discuss with me in advance. It makes me feel like I'm servicing the new guy. Then why tell me that he wants to promote me? Mind as well as me to work under him.

It's quite sad to feel like I'm just the second important person when I've work so hard for him and I'm not even seems important than the new guy. He never treat the other ex-colleagues so good before but this one. I don't care what he thinks. I'm seriously not happy on his action.

I'm actually feeling that he becomes closer when further from me at the same time. I used to feel that I don't own him but I have him. Now is like I own him as boyfriend but I lose him somewhere. I feel like he priority others people or things more than me at some point.

Maybe I think I'm not suitable to work with him together because conflict will occur at some point. I think it's going to built up soon. Anyway, I don't think that the company and him himself need me so much already. I'm actually a disposable asset. I shall really consider my exit strategy like he mentioned to me. Maybe it's a hint from the Lord from his mouth.

When is This Fairy Tale End? - Part 3

He asked me whether how's my plan to leave his company. I told him back, "Do you think I've a choice?". It's really I don't have a choice if I'm not part of his plan in life. I know he leave all this to God and I'm too. Just I need to have the goals ahead of me and I'll leave the rest to the Lord.

I've no choice but to leave. Of me leaving, it will be the best decision at this moment not for me, but for him. He will have less pressure from his parents that he is having too much time for me. He will have less trouble to deal with his father's suspicion.

I'm working in his company for one and the half year and I feel like our relationship is kinda like boss and staff relationship sometimes even after work. We don't have the privilege to go vacation together. I've never go anywhere with him further than klang valley for personal trip.

If calculate business trip, we went to Penang, Chicago, and Las Vegas. I don't feel that a couple going for business trip consider personal one. For example, he can't imagine that his dad bring his mum to Canada for business trip on wedding anniversary and consider it as celebrated it personally.

I have an intuition that if my boyfriend read this, he might say that he is not good enough for me. His frustration also will lead him saying that why don't you go and look for another guy. But do you think that's what I want?

I keep on praying to the Lord for guidance and even give me the revelation to this matter and I'm still stuck here. The bible mentioned that our God set us free, even pastor say so. He added if Jesus set you free, then don't let other things chain you up.

But why am I not feeling that I've have been set free? The worries of the future that upholds for me, the eyes and finger pointing of the society, the security in relationship that I longing for, etc. I know He didn't abandon me. So where goes wrong?

When is This Fairy Tale End? - Part 2

I talked to him about this issue in my head and I also feel that he is unhappy that I'm worrying about it. What may frustrate him more is the fact he can't do anything for me. I knew it but I also can't stop thinking that the insecurity I have right now about the future.

As a Christian, I know that the bible says that we shouldn't worry too much and let the tomorrow worry itself. However, pastor also mentioned that bible stated that we have to plan our goals and future. Have to manage it well. I don't know is it due to my insecurity, I always seems to plan ahead to prepare for any scenario that comes.

I admit that I even take this relationship into calculation whether I'll be secure in it. As I mentioned, it's really beyond my control because I can't control human. He has his own free will and he is an obedient son. I don't want to sin against God to ask him to disobey his parents for me, neither that I want to lose him. However, it's never both ways.

It's either he chooses me and he will have to go through a tough call with his parents, etc. or he will have to leave me and continue his legacy. I believe that the better choice is to let me go and do whatever he loves best.

I can see that in his mother's eye at the open house that day that she is really wanting his son to get married and have grandchildren for her. I believe his father is the same. Our cell group leaders also keep on pushing him. It's very uncomfortable for me that night and I hate that I've to act in front of everyone that I look nothing and cheer along with them.

I can feel that it's not going to be long that all this will really come to the end where his parents really urge him to get married since they already suspect his sexual preference. Worst, I feel his father dislike in me. He mentioned that his father like my cell group leader. That's because he likes him as the son of God and he will spiritually feed Douglas. But me, I'm draining him away from God or something.

He is so involved in church and other business. Soon, all these will ask him about getting a girlfriend or wife. I thought that he will be pressured. But in the contrary, I'm feeling it too and it's really heavy. I'm feeling guilty that I'm causing him so much trouble and I can't take the pressure of being someone to be pointed at. I think I've failed to be his only sole life partner on Earth.

When is This Fairy Tales End? - Part 1

This might be one of the longest post I'll will be writing. I'll probably need to write all on a few posts to illustrate it out. It's almost like a story of fairy comes true, but need to wake up when the time is up.

I hope that my boyfriend will be open minded enough on this issue if he ever read this. Having the privileged of being his boyfriend or started up a relationship with him is something I wasn't expected from the beginning. Well, I'm more like a friend and a sex buddy that time.

As time goes and since he is finally single, I'm the one that initiate this relationship. More like I'm the one that kick start this. He isn't the one that wanting the relationship to grow to the next level at the beginning as he don't think he is ready for it.

Cut the long story short, we finally attached. It's not the starting up this relationship that troubles me a lot but how to maintain it. Having this relationship with him is like the fairy tales. I bumped to this 'Prince Charming' and finally he wanted to be with me.

When he took the vow to the Lord to be a good Christian, he become a better boyfriend too. All thing seems to be better but that is also the worst at the same time. He is a better boyfriend, it's harder for me to let him go from my life. It's like a bond between us.

However, fairy tales is fairy tales. I've to wake up once this fairy tale ended. How come it will end? Because he will be highly possible going to get married and have kids. Do you think I can be the one standing in between his marriage? What pressure will I have to face his family, his friends, and our church member? It's a tough call.

How come this issue rises? Just one open house at his house kick start me to think about the future I'll have with him. I do think about, why God give me this relationship where I can't see the future with him and what I can see ahead now is he will have to leave me. He can't even guarantee that he won't leave me. So, it's like high possibility he will for the sake of his family. Just like stated in the bible, honouring your parents.

When Expectation Meets With Reality

Today is a very special day. My boyfriend able to find some time to have dinner with me tonight as he even rejected his mother's invitation for dinner to eat with me. I'm so happy in the beginning and am I still happy that he does but there is something else disturbing me.

As we had our dinner already, we decided to walk around. As usual, he will target for his bubble tea and I will get mine. As we bought the bubble tea and walk around at about 9.00m, we coincidentally saw his friend who also called Terence (let's make it in short, TN). And guess what, we were standing there talking to this friend till 10.10pm.

I was thinking in my head at that time, this week, Monday he was busy, Tuesday we went to church service together but I don't think that is so much of a personal time for each other, Wednesday I was with my friend Charles, Thursday he was busy and today finally we have so time together and we basically standing there catching up with a friend.

It's not a bad thing as in he should catch up with his friend but then I feel uneasy. Things that they say are fine except a couple of things that stir my emotion. I know it will be so sensitive to talk about company issue too deep with his friend and it's also make it sound like our company really in deep shit.

So what I'm unhappy about was that he mentioned about moving into his new apartment, and he was saying that he wanted to throw a party when his folks is not around. He mentioned that he will invite TN for the party, then after a few seconds only he mentioned to invite me along. It makes me feel like the party is for his friend, or perhaps his friend is more important to invite before me.

He added to his friend whether try sitting in his new car. I know he has a nice car, but then why suddenly offer them to sit at your car if there is no need for it. Is it purposely to show a bit as a ego thingy or something else that I don't hope to be like he is having a slight feeling for someone else.

Third issue that I can think of that makes me uneasy was he asked TN three times indirectly, and directly about his ex-boyfriend. Whether about his work or his life. He did even mentioned to TN to promote him since TN is his ex-boyfriend's manager. I mean that does make me a little bit jealous as my boyfriend is very much still care about his ex-boyfriend in front of me. I just need him to make me feel that he cares for me more than his ex-boyfriend. It's the quality, not the quantity that counts.

All this is not to say that I'm angry at him or what. It just a bit disappointed when your own boyfriend doesn't seems to be caring you more than other people out there. I don't mean he doesn't but it feels that way. First, invite friends over for party and remember you last, then inviting a single friend over for a car ride and lastly, asking about his ex-boyfriend in front of me without easing my feeling.

I'm just emotional over this minor issues I know. Just couldn't help it to be not pleased with such things. I expect more of him but come out less. After tonight, I will probably able to see him only on next week Tuesday, then follow by Sunday if I'm lucky or else the following week. I feel like I know very little of his schedule and I don't know how to plan my time for him.

Emotions - Am I Able to Go Thru This?

I wonder what I really want at times. Seriously, I'm emotional disturb. Thanks to God, I'm able to control it still. However, I don't know will I breakdown at a point of time. Both in relationship and at work, I'm starting to feel the pressure.

The late conversation with my boyfriend regarding our relationship lately makes me really think and consider what am I doing and what I need to do to work this relationship out. He already stated that I'm possessive and demanding where I thought I'm being normal or average. I'm trying now to ignore all my disappointment I get when I'm not pleased with him but I'm struggling to handle my emotion.

Like today, I'm feeling really emotional at work yet pressure and stressful. When I faced a problem beyond what I can put an advise to my staff, I seek his help and there are some issues that I need to sort out with him. I understand that he hires me to solve problem. But I really feel demotivated when he just throw it back at me when there is no solution. I tried to solve it but then the other parties give me another problem. Well, I'm not going to talk about work here.

Main point is I feel that I can't control my emotion well enough. I don't want to feel sad and disappointed of wanting him to spare more time with me and he can't make it for me. I don't even want to feel bad when he doesn't seems to understand me or sensitive about how I feel. I find myself have to ignore him or even have to treat him like a friend instead of boyfriend in order to avoid feeling bad.

I don't know am I running away from the problem or not. I believe that he will not happy about what I feel here or talk about. I don't even know what I can do to ease the condition. I'm worrying that this will worsen my relationship with him. I do feel like giving up of all the pressure I'm gaining recently.

Minor issue like I didn't notice that he is on the phone and still talk to him seems to piss him off. He confronted to me but when I'm at the bad condition. I'm already so forgetful to dress red for the service due to rushing over and I have to walk alone in the dark like 500 metres away from where I parked to church, where I'm afraid of the dark. I just don't know he understands me what I need at times. Maybe I don't understand him back as well.

This Chinese New Year, he didn't even notice that I've told him that I'm going to Penang for family vacation. I've mentioned to him twice before that but he just thought that I'm saying it only. So this festive season, I will be visiting no one except on Sunday if my church mates are going to my cell group leader's house. I'm not going to think about this lousy festive season that I will have this year.

I think I'm not at the bottom of my life, but I'm neither at the top. The stress that I gain from work, the problems I face daily, I do think of resigning as I don't know how am I able to grow anymore. In relationship, I also don't know how to grow the relationship. Maybe what he wants is different from what I want. I just want a simple love life but loving him is a complicated task.

Lord, I pray that You will guide me. Show me the way, guide me on what I should do and strengthen me. Grant me what I what I deserved, what I longing for if it's Your will. I don't know what else I can do. May You lead me to my destination. Amen.

Basic of Love

It's a brand new year and this will be my very first blog for this year. I realized that I usually take this blog for all my grudges, complaints, throw all my sadness and hard time here. Well, today is nothing special, I'm still using this blog for all my emotional issues, personal things and what I feel in my life.

So, what is the basic of love or the fundamental of a relationship? I think this is something that I need to learn and experience. The significant of love that I experience so far is pure heart, trust, and sacrifice. In all, the return is great love, either from your partner, or family. Even all this you fail to experience, there is still the love from God.

This past 5 months, I grow spiritually in my walk with God that I've never dare to take. It is so much debate in my life that halt me to do so like my family, where my mother is not very supportive in term of me taking up Christianity, of me being scare to enter a church full of people (stranger) that I don't know and lack of security.

Before I walk this walk, I did pray that Lord will show me a way out someday that I can finally run out of the tunnel of despair, of darkness that I can't understand. Knowing someone that capture my heart is not easy, especially after being hurt and scattered my heart to million pieces. Worst of all, I met with a guy that has a boyfriend that time and he is a player.

Eventually, I started my journey as a believer without I noticing it. Thinking it back, I'm basically can't recall how I started my journey. What I know is I need to seek for some sort of security and I didn't manage to get it through what I used to believe. That's how I started to seek Him. I was challenging Him to show His mercy on me if He is real to give me a secure relationship.

I was still very much attached my current boyfriend where that time, he is just another player and we were merely best friend and sex buddy. He never treated me as a boyfriend and I never dare to dream that I'll be his boyfriend. But in my heart, I just love him and I don't know why. It's really hurt that time but I kept praying for miracle to happen to me, not making him my boyfriend but someone sincerely want to be my boyfriend.

Cut the long story short, many things happened and we finally becoming a couple. Initially, it's quite bitter for me as he is very much still a player. At that point, I was thinking that maybe God really hates me. He just loves to fool around with us. But finally, I understand that God also want to test our patient with Him, believe in Him and never stop praying even no matter what happened.

Just after one month of our relationship, we found a church to attached with. It's more like he find it for me as I told him I need a church. I can't understand why at that time I will say that. Throughout the first month we together, it's bitter sweet for me as I've to bear with him having fun around. But after the new church we attend together, he changes a lot. He no longer fooling around and fear God so much that I almost at time think he is like a monk or going to be a priest.

There is a lot of changes in my life and thank God that He is always there for me to help me with my issues. He brings back a very best friend of mine, Boon Hein to be there to hear me out when I wanted to spill out all my frustration and sadness.

Having to say that, doesn't mean that God gives me everything now and it's heaven on Earth already. I believe He still has many things to test me, many things to make me learn and that's why I still have sadness, and every little things that I'm not happy about.

Yesterday, during my cell group fellowship, I believe Lord want to make me realize that man like entertainment and women like affection. Being me, a gay bottom, I'm kinda half on both sides, and I believe I love affection. That's why whenever I feel that he is caring others more than me, I'm emotional. Whereas his entertainment are his political stuff, his friends, his ego, and his passion to preach about God.

I remember I watched a clip on YouTube, two very huge size, chubby man celebrating their 2011 Christmas at home and one of the guy propose to the other guy. Although they doesn't look like top model or hunk, but their love is real. I don't know what is the future holds for me and I can't prophecy what is next. I can just pray that with His grace, I need not to be alone without someone physically there for me till the end of my life. I hope I can walk my life with someone I love and who love me back till the end of our journey.