Another Chapter of Love Life - Things Getting Complicated

The year has almost come to the end, marking a total of 3 years and 4 months that we have been attached together. However, it's not an easy ride, and I'm totally lost my sense of direction in the relationship. I felt that I've not been writing or blogging about my life for sometime. Both because I don't have the time and I don't know what to write about my relationship. There ain't much to write about because there is nothing exciting about us.

The most exciting part of the past 9 months from my last post will be that we travelled to Melbourne together, I caught him flirting with another guy and my feeling about him. It's just a summary of points that I'm going to talk about it. 

The Melbourne trip was amazing. Who doesn't love travelling around. It's totally great for me as I can take a break from long work and I think I deserved that. However, it's mainly work as well to learn about the cafe business at Australia. Business issue again. I can't recall the last time we travel for fun for real. Well, the last one we travel for fun was to Gold Coast in 2010. 

This year sweet memories of travelling with him shatters after my Taiwan trip. Should I say it's during my Taiwan trip and back here. I don't think I've healed at all. It's started because a guy, D texted me about his issue and his date, A, which linked to Douglas. Apparently he thinks Douglas bad mouth him to his date, A. The worst was he caught A and Douglas held hands while watching a movie in the cinema with him. 

After listening to the story while I was having my vacation, I'm devastated. But I don't wanna influence me during my breakaway, so I decided not to deal with it till I'm home. When home, this issue has been dragged further as no one is willing to clear up this mess to me. At the end, I managed to get Douglas to spill out the truth, and the truth is A likes Douglas and Douglas himself play along with the flirting. So helding hands and feeding popcorn with A is real, not a joke or misunderstanding. 

Douglas apologised to me, but I don't know why it hurts so bad that I turn to be cold hearted after that. I don't know because I don't trust him anymore or I shut down myself to him. After that incident, I don't know is t bad timing or what, we basically don't have much time for each other. With his schedule, I don't have much time with him anyway. Either a basic movie that we don't have time for dinner, or a lunch that he slips in for an hour or so in between his meetings that I don't know of. Well, he told me but I don't know to believe it's truth or not anymore. 

To make matter worst for me, due to the whole flirting thing, I began to open up myself with new people for friendship and chat. He don't have time for me, why should u wait for him for it, he has to earn it. Well, I don't know. So I talked to D a little bit more nowadays and knowing new friends. Lately someone added me, and his name is Jxxx, let's named him J. Jnseems to show interest on me, but he is from Ipoh. That's pretty far and I'm not saying we have anything. Just that he while caring side of someone interested with you and find time to text you makes me feel good once again. 

The spark with Douglas seems weak as I no longer get the same caring text message, and other sweet stuff from him. Maybe it's our financial issue, or his personally issue, or I don't know for whatever reason, I felt like I don't miss him as much. Because I'm tired to kiss someone that only text me like good night and good morning. Anything else will be about he business, and occasionally about doing things together. Perhaps he wanna earn more money,but I think he just lost me in the journey. 

I began to not feeling the love from him much other than his words, some of his action to show that he still love me, but the core things I seek no longer there. Like he told me earlier that he will be busy the whole week except this Friday, and told me maybe we can have dinner together. I find that I'm just someone to fill in his empty gap or time. Well, I don't feel I'm important anymore. 

I don't know is it my only problem or I don't love him anymore? I wish to know is it a phase or I'm too tired to fight for this relationship. Are we failing each other?

I Don't Know What I Want From My Current Situation

It has been a very long time that I last written anything at this blog. Well, based on the statistic, I doubt I have any reader or even follower at this site. Anyway, this blog is meant for me to treat it as my diary or even blog of anything about my walk of being a gay guy.

As many people already know, reading back my blog on August 2009, there is a guy named Douglas that I fancy, and later on more things happened between us if you read some of the post on the past few years. Of course now he is my boyfriend but currently I don't know what I want from this relationship anymore. 

We work together and more and more conflict derived from our work and as well personal. I don't know whether what he wants for us is what I want for us. This have become the most hardest thing and issue between us. I don't think he wants to end this relationship but at the same time, I don't feel he will do anything to make it better. Don't even mention to move further. 

I do not know whether he is ashamed of me or what. Perhaps he do. Well, till now we are still discreet guy, no one really knows about us except for our gay friends and some friends. At most is our parents, but his parents definitely doesn't agree to the idea of us, nor to say happy about it. 

Lately, we have lots of argument especially after building this business together. He mentioned it today that we argue for the past one year and he is definitely not happy with our current situation. But there is nothing change and he won't change. Neither do I, he thinks that we are just not compromising for each other. Although I don't agree to it, and he will just say that he knows I'm going to say that because I never agree to whatever he says. 

This has taken a very big toll to our relationship and I no longer feel that our love will move further. Although there are lots of times that he cools down and try to make those silly things and make me forget about the issue, but it's always a temporary measure. I don't think that there will be any changes to be better for both of us. At least not in the next one to two year from now. 

We have a massive argument that later become purely sarcastic and ended without solving anything but act of denial of the matter persist. He then asked me to download the apps Between to have personal chats there. Somehow I soften myself for him again, but then that's all I get after a few moment of recap of our moments, he disappear again. 

What should I do with my love life? Stay on with this man that I loved and wait for him to be an understanding man that I once thought that he is, or let him hurt me till the point of no return so that I can move on with life without him? I don't know. What I know now is that I still love him but it hurts me deeply everytime I see that he doesn't understand my needs and try to work out between us.  

Why Am I Feeling Sad?

I don't know why should I even feel sad over him. Is not like I don't know that he is a guy that doesn't seem to understand relationship very well. He is somehow like his father I would say.

But I never know that it's still that hurt every time that he doesn't seem to care enough for me. It's like I'm the secondary to everything that he is doing. I'm not saying that I want to change who he is, but I'm feeling lousy of myself.

He always mentioned that I'm a needy person. Perhaps it's true. I am a needy person. But I don't know what he wants back from me. We doesn't seem to have the same alignment of wanting to see each other. Maybe that's the fact that I've to live with.

He sounded like he doesn't want to continue this relationship with me. Mentioned that he tries so hard for nothing and he did even wanna think about the future of us. As if I'm not working hard to sustain this relationship. I'm feeling so lost of his life. Perhaps I'm just never ever going to understand anybody that I love.

Every time I'm unhappy about something, he is able to make it sound like I'm screwing it up or I'm the one that pushing him too hard. He needs a break or something. I'm tired too of trying too. I need a break of myself perhaps. I've done nothing except sulking at him on phone. I'm just wanting his attention. Well, he only feel crap when I sulked.

So I shouldn't sulk at him? So keep everything to myself? I'm going nuts somehow. I do think of praying to God to take me back to be with Him as this life is so tough to walk. What is the point to try so hard and yet I'm feel like I'm falling all the time. Should I use Befriender service to reduce this negativity feeling?

Lately I've just gone through a minor surgery. Anyone who knows me well enough should already know I'm really phobia to pain. I had it on Wednesday, and he is a out station attending an event that I don't even aware of. I was worried that I disturb him too much I decided not to text him much post surgery.

But I got no call and what so ever till I texted him the next day around 3:30pm. But he replied me later just to scold me that he feel crappy of me sulking. I think I'm so lost, that I dare not talk to him anything about myself right now. The rest of the evening, the calls is just arguing.

This morning, I texted him first again. He replied some and left me hanging there. I figured it out that it's either he is late for work or something. I don't wanna make a fuss again and get another round of argument. I ignored him. And that's it. I had no words from him again till just now, he text me whether can see me later. It's 8:30pm.

See me after 2 days of surgery. Well, it's minor I know, so how about major? He scold me saying that I can't expect him to drop down everything just to see me. I didn't expect that from him either for such a small surgery but I'm expecting him to at least see me the next day, or even ask about how am I feeling with my condition after the surgery, but I didn't get it.

He did eventually ask how I feel this morning but leave me hanging half way without saying talk to you later or something. So my life have to rely on his free time to date and not exactly mutual? If I'm going to do whatever I like, I guess I won't even see him for like 10 days straight and he is fine about it. I'm tired to try so hard to sustain this. Let it be naturally.

He can do whatever he likes. I don't dare to expect anything from him. Perhaps there is a gap between us that I don't know how to get close to him. It's easy for him to get close to someone else, but why it's so hard for me to get closer to him?