I have no idea what actually I wanted to do. Andy just told me online not to wait for him anymore. He have been several times indicating that there are many guys showing interest on me, based on my blog. But do he really know what I feel? Actually there are not man guys showing interest on me. It's true that there are a few, but then they are not those potential guys for me.
There is a guy, Jasson. He is my pet brother, 30 years old, working in Puchong and he already had a boyfriend. For him, he don't think that his relationship blossom as they used to be. So he kinda into open relationship now. Although he is showing affection on me, but then there is no future between us. Andy knows that. I told him before.
Another guy is an Indian guy called Saram or better known as Lucaz in MSN. I think he is showing interest in me as he sms me recently, but not that often. However, there is nothing much I can say about this guy. I'm not interested in Indian guy. I'm not racist but then comes to relationship, maybe I'm kinda ocnservative, I can't accept black guys. As I mentioned earlier in my previous blog, I think everyone should know what type of guys I'm not into.
Basically, there are no more guys that showing affection on me anymore for now. These are all I know for now. There might be some lame guys who just asking for fun, but then I'm not into one night stand and that's it. So are there anyone that I can rely on my feeling to him? I have no one that I can really rely on now. I'm trying so hard to be strong that there are times that I wanna broke down and cry. I wanna cry out loud and hope that nobody ever hear me crying about it.
I told Charles, my best friend that I really miss Andy. I did try ask Andy told before to not to wait for him and try out with other guys. But there is simply no guys are really for me. No one good guys, suitable guy for me. Even those lamers, whenever I'm with them, I just can't stop thinking of Andy. I hate myself for loving someone that already told me to let go of him. Love is something miracle. I makes me happy yet sad at the same time. I don't know how much tears I have to shed for this unfruitful love that I'm hoping for.
I know no matter what I do, I can't change the fact that he will be going back to UK and work there. He will not stay here just for me. I can't be selfish for self asking him to stay but I really did hope. But now, all my hope is crush by the words that he told me. I think it's time for me to go on with life, leading a lonely footsteps ahead of me. Love is a blessed, a bliss and full of pain and tears. I don't know I have the guts to fall in love again or not.
At times, I really confused. He told me that I'm always in his heart. But then he rather ask me to let him go. Forget it, there is not point I'm grieving for it. Pain is pain and all I can do now is to endure it and forget it. The all good memories I can only keep and nothing more than that. All hopes are gone, I don't know why I'm crying while writing this blog. It might be one of the longest blog I blog in this blog page.
Terence, single is lonely, and road is rough. You hate the feeling of loneliness. But then this might be my destiny. To fall into this circle, to walk this path, to feel the pain and sorrow, to love those u loved but not gaining one of them. I'm really tired of life, especially my love life. It is really sucks. I hate being lonely yet I'm starting to scare to love again. Love is painful, no love is painful too. All that I ever loved, it's either betrayed my trust, or no longer love me, or there is no point being together. It's hard for someone to really understand me. Love is really not a good game for me. I'm a sore loser in it.
Andy, all I hope for now is that you stay healthy, happy and may all your dreams come true. I'll just keep this love with myself. Thanks for loving me. I know we will only remain as friend. It's really hurt to hear from you telling me not to wait anymore. Hope you have wonderful life ahead of you. The heart breaking moment, the hurts, the pain I'm having right now, I don't know how to heal it. I thought my Mum told me to wait if I think he loves me is the right choice, but then I guess I have to give up this time. Because I can't carry on anymore being reject for so many times by the person I'm waiting for. It's so hurt, and I really have no courage to carry on anymore. Goodbye my love.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
No news
I don't know is it my mind playing trick with me or not. I can't recall how long Andy didn't MSN with me or leave me a message or something. The thing is I felt like few days but refer back to my blog, it's like actually just a day or two that he didn't reply or leave me any message through MSN or email or so on. Maybe he is busy with his enrollment to his university or busy packing his stuff. I have no idea. I just don't hope that he is losing interest on me only. Haha.
I think the Chinese proverb good describe my feeling. "Didn't see each other a day it's like separated for three seasons". Although he didn't contact me just a day or two, I felt like few days already, like 2 to 3 days. I just don't know what actually I'm really hoping for. Am I expecting too much from him? Maybe what I am thinking is just my own desire. What he really wants I really not sure.
Recently, there is an Indian guy seems to show interest on me. He is called Lucaz (his nickname) a.k.a Saram. I have no idea how he looks like because I never meet him before. But then he have no chances on me. I'm so sorry for him. I'm not racist but then Indian just not my type. Anyone who is black don't turns me on. Indian, Negro, African and Middle East, doesn't seems pretty click with me. Although I found out that some Middle East guys they look gorgeous, but then just not the boyfriend quality for me. LOL.
I think the Chinese proverb good describe my feeling. "Didn't see each other a day it's like separated for three seasons". Although he didn't contact me just a day or two, I felt like few days already, like 2 to 3 days. I just don't know what actually I'm really hoping for. Am I expecting too much from him? Maybe what I am thinking is just my own desire. What he really wants I really not sure.
Recently, there is an Indian guy seems to show interest on me. He is called Lucaz (his nickname) a.k.a Saram. I have no idea how he looks like because I never meet him before. But then he have no chances on me. I'm so sorry for him. I'm not racist but then Indian just not my type. Anyone who is black don't turns me on. Indian, Negro, African and Middle East, doesn't seems pretty click with me. Although I found out that some Middle East guys they look gorgeous, but then just not the boyfriend quality for me. LOL.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
It's been awhile
It's been awhile since I blog here. Recently, Andy called me through phone to talk but then that night I was so sleepy and blur, ended up did not chat much on phone. But then the short period of time, little things that he did, really leave a remarkable memory in me. That tiny little action makes me fell that I have a certain level in his heart. He can call others, but then he chooses to call me instead, this makes me feel so warm, so sweet.
Today, second time really chat with him in MSN again after so long. But then, what he told me was that his parents is coming back to Malaysia. I know he will be feeling kinda down as his family member is leaving him here alone in a stranger's place. Although he is going to be adapting the area there, maybe liking it and not be coming back here anymore, but then at this moment, it's still a place that he is not familiar. Without his family member to be there for him, I can feel the loneliness surrounding him. Whether he realise it or not, that's another matter.
Today, second time really chat with him in MSN again after so long. But then, what he told me was that his parents is coming back to Malaysia. I know he will be feeling kinda down as his family member is leaving him here alone in a stranger's place. Although he is going to be adapting the area there, maybe liking it and not be coming back here anymore, but then at this moment, it's still a place that he is not familiar. Without his family member to be there for him, I can feel the loneliness surrounding him. Whether he realise it or not, that's another matter.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Scotland there he is
The last time I contacted Andy was on last Friday (22/05/09), before he going to Scotland. I still remember that he called me during his journey to Manchester on the train. The line was bad that time. I barely hear his voice. Although saying so, but his calls melted my heart away already. Can you imagine, he contacted me few times before his departure time to UK on last Sunday (17/05/09), then chatting with me in MSN (although not much time that we chat), and also the IDD call he did on that day. I really felt that his care for me, his heart for me.
Maybe all this is only what I think, may not be the truth that he really will be loving me so deep, till do all that, but then all this is so sweet to me. I hardly forget him right now. I can't even start a new relationship with other people now, cause I think I really love him. Kinda always thinking of him only. I only can wait for him to come back to his home there in UK from his Scotland's trip to chat with me on Monday. That is what he promised, Monday morning for me, but Sunday night for him. Hopefully I can wake up earlier to chat with him that time. I just hope he is having fun there and safe from any harm.
Maybe all this is only what I think, may not be the truth that he really will be loving me so deep, till do all that, but then all this is so sweet to me. I hardly forget him right now. I can't even start a new relationship with other people now, cause I think I really love him. Kinda always thinking of him only. I only can wait for him to come back to his home there in UK from his Scotland's trip to chat with me on Monday. That is what he promised, Monday morning for me, but Sunday night for him. Hopefully I can wake up earlier to chat with him that time. I just hope he is having fun there and safe from any harm.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Mix feeling
I guess what I wrote here, that person that I wrote about read it. I mean the previous blog that I wrote was dedicated to him. Anyway, that's not the main concern or rather dilemma for me. I don't really know how to put it in words but then seeing him having a wonderful life there with addition that recent treatments I get from him (not that he treats me bad but then I felt somehow he is trying to distance me apart or maybe I'm too sensitive), makes me have the intuition that he will be staying back there after his study.
As a friend or anyone that loves him, I should be happy and support all his decision. Even if he really plan to stay back there and get a job there, however as a person that hoping his loves for me, I gotta say I pray for his return. It's kinda selfish thoughts but then who is not selfish in relationship. Who can share their loves one with others or to be separated apart from each other. If he don't loves me, then I have nothing to say but to wish him all the best in everything he does.
I did wake up early this morning to chat with him in MSN messenger today. It's purposely, intentionally and not just because he told me that he will chat with me that time but I wanted to chat with him so much. Actually at times, me myself also can't recognise do he loves me. I mean things he done really touches my heart. However, at times, I felt that he wanna push me away a bit. Maybe he don't wanna hurt me, but then the more he pushes me away, the painful I get. If he tells me he don't loves me or things he done is really makes me feel that he is not loving me but others, maybe I know what I should do. I felt he loves me, but then I felt he don't dare to loves me. Love but can't love, that feeling sucks. Just hope everything will be fine for us. God bless..
As a friend or anyone that loves him, I should be happy and support all his decision. Even if he really plan to stay back there and get a job there, however as a person that hoping his loves for me, I gotta say I pray for his return. It's kinda selfish thoughts but then who is not selfish in relationship. Who can share their loves one with others or to be separated apart from each other. If he don't loves me, then I have nothing to say but to wish him all the best in everything he does.
I did wake up early this morning to chat with him in MSN messenger today. It's purposely, intentionally and not just because he told me that he will chat with me that time but I wanted to chat with him so much. Actually at times, me myself also can't recognise do he loves me. I mean things he done really touches my heart. However, at times, I felt that he wanna push me away a bit. Maybe he don't wanna hurt me, but then the more he pushes me away, the painful I get. If he tells me he don't loves me or things he done is really makes me feel that he is not loving me but others, maybe I know what I should do. I felt he loves me, but then I felt he don't dare to loves me. Love but can't love, that feeling sucks. Just hope everything will be fine for us. God bless..
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Missing You Badly
I've been missing Andy Lau so badly. Not that artist, Andy Lau from Hong Kong but a guy that I knew from Axcest.com. He is from Kluang, Johor, Malaysia. The same country as I am now but he is not at London, pursuing his advance diploma in hotel management. Actually I don't know whether we will work out or not. But I just have some feeling that I wanna wait for him to finish his study and back to Malaysia for me. Although this dream may be frail as he might get a job there and plan to migrate there after that, but for me, I still hope my dream comes true.
Last week, I did went to Kluang to meet him up before he went to UK with his parents. We did a lot of amazing things that I can recall of. Although it's briefly mentioned in my pioneer blog, but it almost what we did there in Kluang. The only things missing was we went for a night walk around Kluang town, malls, catched a movie (Angels & Demons), have coffee in Old Town Cafe, and some sweet time together in his room.
I did not regret knowing him as he is one of the amazing guy I've known. I can fell he do loves me. Just that he won't put relationship as his primary account. His career comes first. Well, it's not a bad thing for a guy, as you also want your man to be successful so that he can take care of you. However, by separating apart, it is difficult to maintain a relationship. That's why we didn't plan to start up that time.
For him, I might be just a encounter for him. He might even forget about me after some time. Although for now, he still contacts me and says he loves me, but this can't be guarantee that will not fade with time. Me myself also scares I'll forget his touch, his face, his temperature around me when he hugs me. But what I can do for now is just hope that he will be back here to be with me together. Wait is all I can do for now as I cant forget him for now.
I did try to forget him as I think it will be difficult to wait for someone that you yourself and him himself does not know he will be back or not after his study. What he knows is he will be back for awhile no matter what. As in if he got a job there also, he will need to be back here to fix his visa before returning there. However, not waiting him also painful. Like that day, Jasson kissed me on my lips. At that very moment I felt like kissing someone that very strange to me. It's not that I didn't kiss Jasson before, but then at that time, all I can think of is Andy. I felt like guilty feeling although Andy and me are not in relationship now.
Loneliness is surrounding me now as Andy is not around me. But I guess I gotta learn to be stronger without him by my side for this moment. I wanted to wait for him to come back for me. As Mum said, if he is your true love, waiting is not that bad after all. Like my Mum, she didn't search for a new man for herself as she loves my dad so much. And if Andy truely loves me, he will be back for me. Well, if that day he really not coming back, or he gets a newbie or somebody special for him there, I'll then give up. All my strength have used up in waiting for him. If he don't come to me, there is no point waiting for him anymore. Life should go on. Hope I have the strength to carry on waiting for him for half year. Hope to see him somewhere around late October or early November. All I know now is I'm really missing him.
Last week, I did went to Kluang to meet him up before he went to UK with his parents. We did a lot of amazing things that I can recall of. Although it's briefly mentioned in my pioneer blog, but it almost what we did there in Kluang. The only things missing was we went for a night walk around Kluang town, malls, catched a movie (Angels & Demons), have coffee in Old Town Cafe, and some sweet time together in his room.
I did not regret knowing him as he is one of the amazing guy I've known. I can fell he do loves me. Just that he won't put relationship as his primary account. His career comes first. Well, it's not a bad thing for a guy, as you also want your man to be successful so that he can take care of you. However, by separating apart, it is difficult to maintain a relationship. That's why we didn't plan to start up that time.
For him, I might be just a encounter for him. He might even forget about me after some time. Although for now, he still contacts me and says he loves me, but this can't be guarantee that will not fade with time. Me myself also scares I'll forget his touch, his face, his temperature around me when he hugs me. But what I can do for now is just hope that he will be back here to be with me together. Wait is all I can do for now as I cant forget him for now.
I did try to forget him as I think it will be difficult to wait for someone that you yourself and him himself does not know he will be back or not after his study. What he knows is he will be back for awhile no matter what. As in if he got a job there also, he will need to be back here to fix his visa before returning there. However, not waiting him also painful. Like that day, Jasson kissed me on my lips. At that very moment I felt like kissing someone that very strange to me. It's not that I didn't kiss Jasson before, but then at that time, all I can think of is Andy. I felt like guilty feeling although Andy and me are not in relationship now.
Loneliness is surrounding me now as Andy is not around me. But I guess I gotta learn to be stronger without him by my side for this moment. I wanted to wait for him to come back for me. As Mum said, if he is your true love, waiting is not that bad after all. Like my Mum, she didn't search for a new man for herself as she loves my dad so much. And if Andy truely loves me, he will be back for me. Well, if that day he really not coming back, or he gets a newbie or somebody special for him there, I'll then give up. All my strength have used up in waiting for him. If he don't come to me, there is no point waiting for him anymore. Life should go on. Hope I have the strength to carry on waiting for him for half year. Hope to see him somewhere around late October or early November. All I know now is I'm really missing him.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Love Someone At The Wrong Time
Love is a miracle thing. However for me, it always seems to play a fool with me. Maybe I am desperate for it. It's so miracle that I don't wanna miss it nor let it loose from my hand but I always cannot get full grip on it. It's always slipped away from my very own hand. Just hope that luck is standing by my side for this. Seems to be funny. Those person that I have feelings on, always unable to be with me. Either they have boyfriend themselves, or they into open relationship, or some other factors preventing them to be together with me, or worst - they into one night stand (ONS).
Recently, I created this blog just to write up about my love life and things happening to me that I think I can't share it openly to people. I love someone that I don't have much future with him. He is leaving the country to UK for study. It will be almost half a year at least that I can't see him, touch him and feel him around me. Even though he is in Malaysia, we also hardly see each other because he is staying in Johor while I'm staying in Kuala Lumpur. Now, he is leaving soon, separating us apart, making him don't wanna start up a relationship with me. It's like you know he is a nice guy that you can find and you know that he likes you too. However, you can never think so much about getting along with him at the moment. Future? Then I don't know.
If I wanna wait for him, I also cannot wait for him forever. He did mentioned before of staying there to work for a period of time to save some money to pay back his education loans. Earning there of course better than here as the currency the is more than 5 times than Malaysia Ringgit. But if he really do stay back, then I don't think I can stand it waiting him just like that. I need someone to take care of me too. I'm not a very strong person. In this gay world or people like us (PLU) world, I'm a bottom. Kinda loves attention and loves just like a typical Arian (Aries).
Anyway, that guy I mentioned is Andy Lau Wee Jian. He is not to say handsome but then he really a nice guy. Haha. He shave his head because he don't have much hair and don't wanna people look at him and felt his baldness. That's kinda smart way of him. But then he treat me kinda nice. Kinda pampered me, with not much ego. Much more better than Noel, although he is good in words.
Andy came over to KL on 8th of May, 2009 to meet me. I drove to Sri Petaling LRT station to pick him up and we went to One Utama, Damansara for lunch and movie. I remember we ordered the Whooper Jr. from Burger Kings. The set come with 2 burgers. We ate so full that time before proceed to cineplex. Watching $311.0u7 (Sell Out), a Malaysian comedy. Well, the movie is just below average, but the feeling with him was more than I can say. After the movie, I drove home and rest awhile before going for dinner at night.
At home, we did hug and kiss. It was amazing. I felt I was being loved again. The feeling is so strong that I too carried away before I even realized that I fall in love with him. He too likes me. Ended up, we cuddling each other, and kissing most of the time before kicked off to some where near for dinner. Our dinner just a simple hooked up at hawker stalls at Mega Mendung. That night, we did something beyond friends will do. U know yourself what it is. Maybe I have that need somehow also but then I didn't regret about it.
The next day, he was about to leave KL back to Kluang, Johor. Before he go, we went to Win Soon Restaurant, famous for fish head noodles to have our brunch. Then, we went to PC shop and he get me a mic so that I can chat with him online using MSN audio chat. That short 2 days, the lunch, movie, cake and mic were paid by him. So gentleman of him. And for now, we just keep contact each other by audio chat. I think I'm going to Kluang to meet him before he is about to go UK since he can't make it to KL early for me due to some reasons. Till then only I can update more about it.
Recently, I created this blog just to write up about my love life and things happening to me that I think I can't share it openly to people. I love someone that I don't have much future with him. He is leaving the country to UK for study. It will be almost half a year at least that I can't see him, touch him and feel him around me. Even though he is in Malaysia, we also hardly see each other because he is staying in Johor while I'm staying in Kuala Lumpur. Now, he is leaving soon, separating us apart, making him don't wanna start up a relationship with me. It's like you know he is a nice guy that you can find and you know that he likes you too. However, you can never think so much about getting along with him at the moment. Future? Then I don't know.
If I wanna wait for him, I also cannot wait for him forever. He did mentioned before of staying there to work for a period of time to save some money to pay back his education loans. Earning there of course better than here as the currency the is more than 5 times than Malaysia Ringgit. But if he really do stay back, then I don't think I can stand it waiting him just like that. I need someone to take care of me too. I'm not a very strong person. In this gay world or people like us (PLU) world, I'm a bottom. Kinda loves attention and loves just like a typical Arian (Aries).
Anyway, that guy I mentioned is Andy Lau Wee Jian. He is not to say handsome but then he really a nice guy. Haha. He shave his head because he don't have much hair and don't wanna people look at him and felt his baldness. That's kinda smart way of him. But then he treat me kinda nice. Kinda pampered me, with not much ego. Much more better than Noel, although he is good in words.
Andy came over to KL on 8th of May, 2009 to meet me. I drove to Sri Petaling LRT station to pick him up and we went to One Utama, Damansara for lunch and movie. I remember we ordered the Whooper Jr. from Burger Kings. The set come with 2 burgers. We ate so full that time before proceed to cineplex. Watching $311.0u7 (Sell Out), a Malaysian comedy. Well, the movie is just below average, but the feeling with him was more than I can say. After the movie, I drove home and rest awhile before going for dinner at night.
At home, we did hug and kiss. It was amazing. I felt I was being loved again. The feeling is so strong that I too carried away before I even realized that I fall in love with him. He too likes me. Ended up, we cuddling each other, and kissing most of the time before kicked off to some where near for dinner. Our dinner just a simple hooked up at hawker stalls at Mega Mendung. That night, we did something beyond friends will do. U know yourself what it is. Maybe I have that need somehow also but then I didn't regret about it.
The next day, he was about to leave KL back to Kluang, Johor. Before he go, we went to Win Soon Restaurant, famous for fish head noodles to have our brunch. Then, we went to PC shop and he get me a mic so that I can chat with him online using MSN audio chat. That short 2 days, the lunch, movie, cake and mic were paid by him. So gentleman of him. And for now, we just keep contact each other by audio chat. I think I'm going to Kluang to meet him before he is about to go UK since he can't make it to KL early for me due to some reasons. Till then only I can update more about it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)