Why Am I Feeling Sad?

I don't know why should I even feel sad over him. Is not like I don't know that he is a guy that doesn't seem to understand relationship very well. He is somehow like his father I would say.

But I never know that it's still that hurt every time that he doesn't seem to care enough for me. It's like I'm the secondary to everything that he is doing. I'm not saying that I want to change who he is, but I'm feeling lousy of myself.

He always mentioned that I'm a needy person. Perhaps it's true. I am a needy person. But I don't know what he wants back from me. We doesn't seem to have the same alignment of wanting to see each other. Maybe that's the fact that I've to live with.

He sounded like he doesn't want to continue this relationship with me. Mentioned that he tries so hard for nothing and he did even wanna think about the future of us. As if I'm not working hard to sustain this relationship. I'm feeling so lost of his life. Perhaps I'm just never ever going to understand anybody that I love.

Every time I'm unhappy about something, he is able to make it sound like I'm screwing it up or I'm the one that pushing him too hard. He needs a break or something. I'm tired too of trying too. I need a break of myself perhaps. I've done nothing except sulking at him on phone. I'm just wanting his attention. Well, he only feel crap when I sulked.

So I shouldn't sulk at him? So keep everything to myself? I'm going nuts somehow. I do think of praying to God to take me back to be with Him as this life is so tough to walk. What is the point to try so hard and yet I'm feel like I'm falling all the time. Should I use Befriender service to reduce this negativity feeling?

Lately I've just gone through a minor surgery. Anyone who knows me well enough should already know I'm really phobia to pain. I had it on Wednesday, and he is a out station attending an event that I don't even aware of. I was worried that I disturb him too much I decided not to text him much post surgery.

But I got no call and what so ever till I texted him the next day around 3:30pm. But he replied me later just to scold me that he feel crappy of me sulking. I think I'm so lost, that I dare not talk to him anything about myself right now. The rest of the evening, the calls is just arguing.

This morning, I texted him first again. He replied some and left me hanging there. I figured it out that it's either he is late for work or something. I don't wanna make a fuss again and get another round of argument. I ignored him. And that's it. I had no words from him again till just now, he text me whether can see me later. It's 8:30pm.

See me after 2 days of surgery. Well, it's minor I know, so how about major? He scold me saying that I can't expect him to drop down everything just to see me. I didn't expect that from him either for such a small surgery but I'm expecting him to at least see me the next day, or even ask about how am I feeling with my condition after the surgery, but I didn't get it.

He did eventually ask how I feel this morning but leave me hanging half way without saying talk to you later or something. So my life have to rely on his free time to date and not exactly mutual? If I'm going to do whatever I like, I guess I won't even see him for like 10 days straight and he is fine about it. I'm tired to try so hard to sustain this. Let it be naturally.

He can do whatever he likes. I don't dare to expect anything from him. Perhaps there is a gap between us that I don't know how to get close to him. It's easy for him to get close to someone else, but why it's so hard for me to get closer to him?

I'm A Lousy Supporter

I don't think I'll be a good supporter to him. He is busy with all his stuff and I can't help any. Well, of course because I don't like about politic, I'll definitely won't be able to help him on that.

As for our business, I'm not helping as well. He also can't think of a role for me to play in it. I also don't know. Guess I'll just be mascot or an observer as well.

With all this, I think that's why he wants to hire an assistant to help him out. That person sure isn't me. Won't be me to be the guy behind all his success. I'm just a burden to him in a sense. It will be someone that he likes and able to help him somehow.

I'm freaking tired to be always the one trying hard to make some conversation but I seldom received feedback. It's either he is busy till ignore me or he doesn't seems to want to reply me. At times I wonder who is that important person till he doesn't care to reply me at all.

Tired and feeling lonely and hurt. Feeling there will be more lonely journey I'll have to walk alone in the future. He will eventually have lesser time for me. I've to plan for the worst day to come. He won't understand it. Fuck it.

First Post of 2013 - Unwanted Memories

It's been almost a year I didn't write anything here. I try not to post anymore stuff in this blog because I thought that I'm always pouring negative issues here, and not the positive ones. I think I'll have to post more here, especially the positive ones.

However, today I've to start blogging back with my usual, the negative one first. I know it's sound really sad to start the first blog of the year with something that negative but I don't know who to pour out so much at this moment in time.

My boyfriend and I were planning to start up a company doing coffee. Well, to cut the story short, I'm just going to talk about what bothers me today. He plans to hired a guy to help him out temporary with his work loads especially for starting this business since I've a full time job. He himself also don't have the time, and he also need someone to help him out a little bit for his political agenda.

The issue comes when the guy, Alex, whom he is planning to hire is a gay guy too. He is just in his early 20's kinda guy, which does make me feel a little but uncomfortable. But what makes me uneasy today is that he keeps on stepping me down in front of that guy, Alex. It's like he keeps on saying I've a bad sense of fashion taste, lousy accent, emotional, etc.

Then treating this guy extremely good, which I always find him treating other well better than people that really close to him. He is hiring this guy, yet wanna provide him with free accommodation. Temporary letting him staying over at his place, or the extra apartment. I also haven't gotten that privilege before. But the worst is that he said that he can drive his car to work.

In my days I'm working for him previously, I don't even get that when my car is in the workshop for a month. I'm his boyfriend some more. I was really speechless and upset, but I don't want to raise it to him in front of his friend. I take all of it at one go. I keep all this to myself and keep quite about it. Not going to complain nor say anything about it. Tired to justify myself.

If he thinks that's nice and fair to me, and what he is saying and doing are a way that he shows his love, then let it be his way. I'm not going to argue with him as I'm tired to do so. I'll never win over an argument with him. I'm just going to use the second stage of tolerance, to ignore him when I'm pissed.