Feeling Lost Again

I have been thinking lately, just a day or two ago, how is my life now. It's not to say very bad nor too good. Financially, I'm broke. That's why I took up the freelance job with my old secondary school mate to earn some living. I still not sure I will be successful in this industry or not.

Meanwhile, I'm planning with my ex-course mate regarding the tuition centre that she is planning to open probably end of this year or early next year. She wants me to be one of the partner as well. It's interesting as I can have a small like investment or business kinda stuff.

However, all this will take more of my own time and I will have less time for myself. Worst, I need to manage my stress level which will turns up to accumulate throughout time. I do hope there is someone is there for me to support me, to love me, to pamper me and can spend some time for me, hugging me by his side.

Maybe I just need that person to love me, cares about me and to be there for me. In actual fact, it seems they appear, but not really at the same time. Why I say it this way? First, there ain't like a dozen of guys that interested on me. So, I can only focus on those who I think potentially be the one.

There are some which I do not think they will have the guys to be with me or in this short future, they are not ready to be in relationship, so I can ignore those guys. By this, I manage to narrow down the scope to be two guys, Doug and El.

Doug is really a cool guy where I do likes him a lot. It's been half a year I'm dating with him knowing that he already have a boyfriend. I do not why, but it's fate that brings us together. I do feel bad as I'm the third party of his relationship, but somehow I just can't let him go. It the selfish part of myself.

El is another sweet and caring guy, which seems to complement Doug's incompleteness. However, he do not have the charm and interesting character as Doug. He can be a loyal boyfriend which care and love me for a very long time, but being with him will seems to be bored as he does not amaze me much.

To decide between them both, at first I do hesitate for awhile as El seems to be more promising boyfriend than Doug as I'm just stuck in between him and his boyfriend. But at last, or at least up till now, I still chooses Doug, someone I know I love him a lot yet that I might not gain the same love that I'm investing on him.

I do admit, most of the time, when I'm with Doug and his boyfriend, I do feel uneasy. I would not say jealous as it's not that I do not know my status and where I am standing, it's just that seeing someone that you love calling someone else "darling" or "sweetheart" makes my heart felt like a little spasm. I does hurt a little, but I still bear it because I do really love him. Love is really miracle. You can love someone unconditionally sometimes even though you can't see the promising future.

Back to square one, do I jealous of his boyfriend? I would say I envy him more than I jealous of him. I can see that Doug prioritize him the most. I can't blame him. He is his boyfriend and I'm just a lover. I've being thinking, we have only been dating in the gym for or classes, lunch or dinner together, or some time spare in his room occasionally when his place is convenient. Nothing much we did together already.

Other that the norm will be going to club with him once, going to his boyfriend's graduation, and really not much already. It's been so long that I am hoping that we can really go for a date. Not that we didn't date. Just feel lacking. We did not have any movie together at all since I know him. We did not even go for a vacation together at all too. Maybe that's why I envy him.

I do really hope that I can watch a movie with him, a nice one and hold his hand throughout the whole movie. Well, that's just a dream. It's time to wake up to reality, sometime if things did not change does not mean it's bad. I guess I have to go on with my life. I pray to Him to give me strength and faith in my actions. Amen.

Some People Will Never Change & Yet Getting Worst

Some people just never change. They will only get worst. It is just like my ex-boyfriend, Bryan. He is the worst person I ever know. I used to blog about his stuff here, voice out about his bad but never hated him so much like now.

All this time he is been telling lies about paying my mother and me back our money for ages. It's been more than a year of his delay and now getting worst. He did not intent to pay back at all. I would not that hate him if he calls us and tell us that he cannot manage to pay us back rather than what he has just done.

That day, I accidentally saw his post in Facebook. Out of curiosity, I actually click the link and entered his site. I was shocked knowing that he is dating a girl right now. I cannot imagine a gay like him will finally date a girl. Well, maybe he finally decided to become straight.

I do not care about his private life. He wanted to date a guy, a girl or whatever also I'm not interested. However, I saw that he just come back from vacation. Since that he have money to go vacation, why don't he pay us back a little. So I decided to call him and ask.

When I call him, he didn't pick up my call. Then when I recall back, he either off his phone or just hang me up. I can't reach him already since then. I did sent him a post in his Facebook's wall and he deleted it. Worst, he even delete me from his friends list.

He thinks that he can just ignore me and treat everything never happened before. Such a jerk I ever know in my life. I cannot imagine how on Earth such pathetic person I will ever in loved with. I hope that his karma will come to him. Since he is a Buddhist, he should get his pay back in his future.

I just hope and pray to God to give me the strength to go through this hardship I am going through. May He grants me with willpower to forget this jerk and walk on my life with better future. Hope my life will be better in the future. Amen ^^

Two Different Roads

It's been awhile since I blog here as I'm pretty busy lately. I have to get to work in office, then certain days I have to give tuition and weekends filled with plans. However, this is not the main highlight of my blog today. It's about decision making between two different paths.

For my job scope, I'm being tearing by two work loads. One from my stable job in my company where at times, I might need to work overtime. Then the other one will be giving tuition at evening where I have to rush for it after my office hour.

My friend is deciding to open her own tuition centre and asking me to join partner with her and her brother. It seems pretty good kind of investment but where am I going to have the capital for it now? Worst, I'm worried that it may cause some complication for me to secure both jobs at the same time.

Next, deciding between two persons. The rest that I do not think it important or that cracking my head about it, I'm not going to blog much about it this time. The main highlight of this matter is that there is a guy, El is hitting on me. This guy seems pretty good boyfriend material just that there are things I do not really like about him, which is boring guy.

He is caring to me, encouraging me in many aspects, pampering me at times too. However, my heart still having stronger feeling on Doug, which most probably not going to be my boyfriend. If you did read my blog before, you should know why. Deciding between them two is really killing.

I do hope to have the caring person, a guy that I can call him as my boyfriend to be with me, which seems to be El. However, I do not have much feeling on him. He does make me feel warm somehow, but he does not make me happy being with him. Maybe I feel some kinda gap between us.

Doug makes me feel much more happy when I am together with him as I feel more happening. Although he is not those romantic kind of guy but he knows how to charm you with it. The good point of him, I think I need not to repeat it as I did mention about him quite often in my previous blog. The only concern is that, he will not be my boyfriend if he still with Keith.