Love Game

I guess it's either my life if curse after the relationship with Bryan or my life meant to be that complicated. I started to feel like I'm having a very complex love life for now. After breaking up with Bryan, my friend, Kelvin who is a bottom wanted to date me. I ended up trying it since I don't know how to reject him that time. At last I did reject after 2 dates. LOL.

After him, Max dated me for 3 weeks and told me that he thinks that he is a straight guy. I asked him to be himself and I stop dating him anymore and now he finally accepted himself as a gay guy and having a boyfriend already. Probably he is a bottom too, that's why make such a lousy excuses to stop dating me.

Then comes some stupid poeple such as Andy, that wanted to date but doesn't want to date me at the same time. I barely understand him. Noel, an old looking guy with big belly and half bald wanted to be my boyfriend. I guess I need not to say a thing everyone should know I can't accept it of course. Same goes to Winson, a guy from Sarawak who work in Petronas, who is already 42 this year with some muscle dysthrophy of his both legs. I think he just desperate for a lover that's why he wanted me. Micheal is another guy from Ipoh who wants to get me laid and that's it.

So, it seems that there is nobody really wants to be my lover, accept for Noel and Winson who are both old looking (look like my father) and having some qualities that I can't accept them as boyfriend. Till I meet Douglas, there is some changes in my life. I never thought that I could accept to be a third party people in my life. I do feel suffocating at times seeing or thinking where am I standing every now and then.

For instead, he is now with his boyfriend at Beijing. Seriously, I'm super jealous actually but I still remain cool (or probably I just act to be cool) and I didn't make a fuss about it because I know my stand. Charles said before, I chooses him, this path of becoming a third party (or mistress like what he said in Cantonese) is not an easy way but as long as I'm happy, then it's ok.

Thinking of that, what am I to Douglas? I know he loves me because he really did told me about it. He did give me a great birthday and I can feel his love to me. However, somehow it shows to me that I will never ever be his boyfriend. We even have an agreement that if there is someone who approach me and willing to be my boyfriend as I can own to myself, we will stop our relationship and back to friendship. Meanwhile he will still loves me as a lover I guess.

Then this early of the year, comes Eliel who wanted to be my boyfriend and that time, I almost thinking that if Eliel is the right guy, I will be losing Douglas who at that time I love him the most compare to Eliel. Well, I don't love Eliel that time, not even now but might have some feel. Anyway, after some dates, I found out that he is not the right person as he is not being very nice to me. Worst, after one arguement, he stopped approaching me already. That's the end of the story of Eliel.

Now, while Douglas is not around with me (since he is in Beijing with his boyfriend), I get to know Wayne through Charles. Charles thought that Wayne wanted to approach me so he did make some chances for us. Hewas not wrong. Wayne really do likes me and he did approach me. However, my life is curse I think. It seems like Charles said before, I might meant to be the 'mistress' kind of guy. Wayne already has a boyfriend, who is a doctor, olde than him 4 years. It's just because both of them are top which makes him started to want a bottom boyfriend.

Wayne is taller than me and having cute looking features in his 30's, a guy which I think I would be attracted to. Anyway, I guess I can't this time. He used to be a fat boy, but he keeps on going to the gym and work out to burn all the fat and now, he really look somehow cute, but no muscle mass to be seen. LOL. For him, he thinks that his boyfriend loves him as he dates him even when he is fat that time and they still carry on till now for a year and the half. He wanted both of us, but not letting each other knowing each other existance.

I felt somehow hurt in this process. I wanted to tell Douglas about it. I did tell Wayne that I'm already in such third party situation. I need not to jump from one third party relationship to another. I can't take it. However, he said he don't mind if I'm into open relationship with him. I felt such confussion right now. Accepting Wayne makes me feel jeopardizing my relationship with Douglas and I can't accomodate 2 guys at once at a time.

If I have to choose between both of them, I think I would choose back Douglas. Since the situation is harsh for me as both also I will be the third party, why don't I choose a person that I have been with so long and I'm much more secure being with than a new guy. Anyway, this new guy always call me and tells me that he misses me makes me feel like as if he is missing me all the time. Well, he is more on showing he loves me kinda guy compare to Douglas but since the situation is not I can handle myself, I rather stay the same for the moment. Hopefully I can talk to Douglas about this soon.

My Feeling is Just Like Inside The Washing Machine

Lately, too many stuff happening around me. Many involve with emotional issues. I doubt if there are more to come and will I able to cope with all that. As I can see, I'm a very well emotional guy and I'm the people kind of guy (just like what my senior said when she gave us a piece of advise during the meeting), I know I will get affected definitely.

Yesterday, my colleague, Li Teng just left our company. After the lunch, we had a meeting and we were announced that my senior, who is the one that I am tag to since I join this company is leaving for a better offer in another company. I do get the shock of her leaving so soon and yet so short notice. Well, that company is willing to pay to get her to work with them as soon as possible. I'm happy for her having a better opportunity and I do think that we all will definitely miss her. I just didn't expect she will be leaving before me even thought I do felt that she is leaving too.

Soon, after my senior, Ruth is gone, Nesa will be going off 2 days before I'm leaving my company. There will be new blood coming into our company soon. I heard from my manager, there will be 3 new recruits. However, thinking of the freshies, they will have no authority to approve any amount of claims in the early 2 months or so. It will be really hectic to the rest of us (of probably a month for me since I'm leaving for good too soon).

I can't imagine our company, or perhaps just my team right now can have so much changes in just a week time. Of course if you take a look in this past few months, there are many changes. However, the changes for now is much more emotional, more intense for me. All I can think of right now is to stay focus for this one month and one week before I start to settle myself into new company effectively on July. Lord, please give me strength to keep on moving forward.

Well, saying that my feeling is like inside the washing machine is really true. I mean try to look at it, from the day I join this company, after 3 months, my course mate who works with me in the same team and company is leaving the company. Then, my colleague, Sathya leaves, followed by Pei Sim, Wei Qi, Ik Meng, Shall and Li Teng. Soon, my senior Ruth is leaving too. emotional wise, some because really best friends and makes you feel so bad to leave.

Although thinking that in the new company I can see him more, but I doubt so it will be the way. He might not be in the office at times or I will be assigned to some location, etc. So working in the new company might not really gain me more opportunity to see him too. I worry that it will get even less if the workload in his company is mountain high for me to handle. I do many times worry about it and doubt my own ability to really perform in sales industry.

That's so much about work life. Personally, I think doesn't makes me better. This weekend and even next weekends including the weekday next week, he will not be in KL. I will be pretty lonely this one week plus. I have no idea what to do to occupy my time. For today instead, I did hang out with my colleagues at Pavilion's to have a lunch with my senior, treating her for all her help and guidance throughout working in my company.

Tomorrow, I will be going for ballroom dancing as usual in the morning. However, from noon onwards, I might be bored to death. I did ask Charles for movie but I think he can't make it. I can't think of much other friends to hang out with. Weekday will be normal for me, just go to work and back to to rest. Just unable to see him.

The upcoming weekend will be the worst one. Friday will be Wesak Day, and it's a public holiday. So I will be having 3 rest days. What should I be doing? Home alone again? On Saturday might not be that worst as I need to fetch my mother and sister to visit my grandma. Probably dine with them on that day. What concern me are Friday and Sunday. There ain't much I can do. I think till then I might have something to be busy with.

All I know is that when he is not around, it's really hard for me. My life is so dead without him. I'm missing him now. I wonder what is he doing there? At this late hour, is he shopping around or sight seeing? However, I try not to think so much on that. I don't want to get jealous and feeling bad about it. I just hope that he enjoys his trip.

It's Like a Diary

Lately, I'm thinking that am I treating this blog as my diary. Maybe I do not keep a physical diary since Form 6, it's no longer a common practise for me to write a diary. I get use to blogging and share everything with others. Now, I tend to blog all about my feelings or things which I feel more private for myself here. I think maybe since this blog not publicly known by my friends makes me feel this is not a bad place to throw out what is in my mind or heart. LOL.

Anyway, it's not like a big issue about treating this blog as diary or not. It still remains the same as a medium for me to voice out my heart and to ease my frustration at all times. LOL. Seriously, I think I have plenty of things to write if I wanted to. But thinking of it, it seems like I'm writing an essay if I blog too much.

My mind right now is full of him. I just don't get it. Is it because I'm missing him badly now, or maybe because he is going for vacation for more than a week makes me feel like I'm going to miss him soon, which makes me wanting to see him more before he is leaving or any other factors. Is it because of the new job that I'm offered for? Anxious to see him more next time? I wonder all those possibilities.

Right now, I started to be worried of the new job I will be working soon. Will I able to cope with the working environment? Will I be able to take the stress? Am I capable to work in sales and marketing department which is not my field at all? Am I too daring to try something that I never think of? Will I succeed in the company in 3~5 years time? Will the take me as confirm staff after 6 months of probation? All these questions are bothering me.

I do at times feel how great if he can spare a night with me, just cuddling with me the whole night to give me the strength to work harder for tomorrow. Thinking of that, it strikes me today where a guy that I think he is obsess with me somehow. Maybe not to say obsess, but having some kind of affection on me. Anyway, it's been so long already. I know him even before I know Doug. However, till now he is still wanting me to meet him up if I able to.

He did call me today, telling me that he get to KL today and will be here for another 3 days before leaving back to Sarawak. Well, his job requires him to travel here and there most of the time. Yet, he did asked me to be his partner, despite that he is already more than 4o years old. Well, age doesn't really matter but he is elder than me almost 2 circles of the Chinese zodiac, with addition that he is not from here (where he always fly here and there) and he is having some defect on his lower limb. I really don't think I'm able to accept him as a partner.

Sometimes it does make me think, am I too picky or am I asking too much in a relationship? Is it the reason why till now I can't settle down with someone? I felt like those that interested with me is either they are too old physically (look) or having irritating personality. Those that I'm keen to be with, it's either attached or they are not interested. LOL. Well, it doesn't really matter at the moment. I'm still happy with how I am now. I still having him - although not exactly or fully, but I still have a piece of him. Anyway, his boyfriend have almost the whole junk of him, somehow makes me envy of him (or maybe jealous a little).

I'm Stuck At Home Doing Nothing

I wake up late for my dance class today, yet I need to drive my mother out, so I did not attend the class. Not attending my dancing class early Sunday does makes me feel like I'm stuck at home doing nothing. Well, I think I can start watching those anime I have borrowed from my colleague previously but somehow still feeling lonely, home alone.

Till now, I haven't eaten anything yet. I have no idea what to eat at home now. There is no more bread, no more oats, nothing. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating it. There is still some chocolates bite size cookies, some chocolates that Doug gave it to me, and instant noodles. Should I be eating those as breakfast?

I'm still wondering what I should be planning to do for at least 7~8 hours of time on what I should be eating, and what I'm going to do to keep my occupied and not feeling that bad, home alone. After this 7~8 hours of time, probably Doug will be able to meet me up for dinner. That will really cheer me up a lot. At least it feels rewarding after being lonely at home for such a long hours. LOL.

I Feel Like As If I'm Floating

Finally I have tendered my resignation letter and will be joining the new force after serving 2 months notice at my current company. However, I will still need my HR to calculate all the leave I'm entitled for and when will be my last day serving my term. I'm thinking how will my exit interview will be with the HR soon. Will it be positive one or not that happy one?

Sitting in front of my lappie, blogging this alone in my room, or rather at home alone now as my sister is having her tuition, my mother is no where to be seen, probably she went to my uncle's place, and my brother is always not around. I do feel a sense of loneliness now. Thinking of him now but I dare not to disturb him. I worried that I will disturb him too often and it will makes him feel annoying.

Although I just seen him on Tuesday, but I felt like I didn't see him quite long enough to make me missing him badly. Thinking that he will be going off to China by end of the month makes me feel even worst as I will not be able to see him over the weekends. I do want to skip my OT this Saturday to be with him, but then I don't know is it good. It's like Kesha's song, "Your Love Is My Drug" in my head right now. LOL.

Before I tendered my resignation letter, I was like reluctant a little bit as my colleagues are mostly very nice to me. I do miss them for sure. However, no doubt that the new job is more challenging and the pay is good, and of course I do have a little bit more chance to see him around, but I will need to control myself. LOL.

Now, I felt like asking when will be my last day and I can't wait to see how is my new job will change my life. Maybe I'm anticipate for it. Maybe by the time really is my last day, I will be emotional to leave. However, life should moves on.

So back to the thought of working this Saturday. I really don't know should I skip RPM for OT which seems to be good employee ethic I'm showing for the last 2 months of me there or I just don't give a damn and be with Douglas in the class. One of my colleague was asking me to join her for lunch on Saturday if we work OT at the okonomiyaki shop in Low Yat Plaza. But I'm feeling more on seeing Doug at the gym and have lunch together. Of course working OT makes me claim more pay at the end of the month.

I hope that Doug can give me some suggestion. Will he be joining RPM this Saturday and having lunch with me after that? Does he wants me physically there with him on that day rather than working in my office? He is going on vacation soon, I do really hope to see him more before he is not around approximately for a week, more.

Confused With The Road In Front

I'm confuse right now. No idea what I should really do. Doug has already asked me to submit my CV to his as soon as possible. I'm still too shock of his offering me a job in such a pace. I mean I didn't expect it so it's just like it happen so fast that I don't know how to response.

Thinking of it, leaving my current company will make me misses all the things that I have gone through there. However, I can't be stay there stagnant without moving on. If the job is not showing any promising good benefit to myself, why not try to change a new environment and start over again. Probably I will need some time to adapt again with the people.

There are some people I might miss. For example my senoir who taught me a lot of stuff since I join the company. She is the most patient senoir and the nicest person I can recall working with. Anyway, she also very friendly and I do at time borrow some books from her. Other than her, will be another colleague of mine that I always get Japanese anime from. Leaving the company will make me lose the opportunity to get to read free book and especially free Japanese anime. LOL.

Anyway, it's not like I'm confirm getting in alraedy to the company, but thinking of new environment, there are still lots of questions I wanted to ask. How is the parking there? Does it requires parking fee? How is the food there? Is it easily assesible? What is my responsibility? What I have to do? All I know is that the position offered to me is sales executive and the medical benefit only covers G.P. visit in panel clinic up to maximum of RM30.

Thinking of the medical benefit offered, although it's not that good, since I'm doing medical claims, I know most company medical benefit. The company medical benefit is really low, but then the pay that it's willing to offer is way higher than my current company. I just don't know how to decide. Should I join his company now or should I stay till one year later only I leave? So confusing.

I know that Doug will take care of me somehow if I'm working in his company but he will definitely work my like a cow. LOL. However, I only worried I will fail him or something. How about when he leave to Singapore? Will I be able to survive without him around?

Many Stuff Happened and Now I'm Not Feeling Well

Yesterday, plenty of stuff happened. I get my my hair cut since it is getting longer and I think I have the time in the morning, so why not cutting it. So, after my breakfast, I went straight to the hair saloon to get my hair cut. After that, I went to the gym for my dance competition.

I get there earlier, thinking to practise a little bit before the actual stuff. Who knows that the carpark is full. I was like searching everywhere for a space to park. I just forgot that it is public holiday yesterday and never know such places can be so pack. I managed to get a space later and get some light practise before the real start. Well, I ended up in top 3 of the competition. Maybe I'm lucky to get a good partner to dance with it's the main reason we won. LOL.

Anyway, Charles did tag along with me yesterday, not for the dance but gym. So after my competition, I meet him up and hit the shower before going off to catch a movie together. Actually, I asked him for it. Since my mother is not making dinner, so why not asking a friend to eat with me or hangout a little bit. At least he fills so of my time that doing nothing at home.

We took our dinner at some Thai style restaurant before meeting up with the Saturday group that Doug introduce to me previously. Well, I only have Loius' number, so I called him yesterday. It was Charles that asked me whether I will be joining the group for the day. Since there is nothing else I can do, so I called p Loius and ask about it. It's only for of us last night, seems not that usual group but it's not bad I think. At least can talk to Loius more this time and another guy. LOL.

I guess I can't sleep early last night due to missing someone after getting back home. I was thinking to text him but thinking that it's late, he might already rest in bed. Anyway, I didn't see him online in MSN or Skype, thinking that if he is not yet asleep, will be online either one of it and chat with his boyfriend. That's why I don't want to disturb him. Thinking of it, I think he will be seeing me today, so why I need to make it seems like I'm obsess with it. LOL.

Probably due to the late night sleep or what-so-ever reason, I feel giddy this morning. It does make me feel lazy to drive to the gym for my dance class. Anyway, I do think it is dangerous to drive with my condition that time, giddiness with slight headache. Thinking of it, I need to take some food before medication. Pop a pill to reduce the giddiness and one for headache. I think I should be okay in no time. ^^