Today, is kinda lonely day for me. It's Saturday, and it suppose to be a day where usually I will be meeting someone important to me and work out together and have lunch together. However, both of us is not feeling so well so we did not manage to meet up.
I'm missing him so much but there is nothing much I can do to ease the feeling of it. I woke up this morning, thinking of him. There has been a break down of electricity around my area since early in the morning around 3.00am till half past eight. Basically I can do nothing to entertain myself to divert my thought on him.
After taken my breakfast, I did text him, asking for his health condition. I have been worrying him so much. I'm glad to hear that his fever subsided but there is still some sore throat. I guess we both have the same condition except for the fever.
Later in the noon, it rains heavily with loud thundering at my area. I was so scared and lost. I have no idea why, I guess it just because I'm chicken-hearted. I did wanted to call him but then I worried that I will disturb him so I choose to text him again. He was having his late lunch with his dad.
Maybe lately, I need someone to be there for me. I do not know how to explain the feeling but then I just hope there is some special person there with me, to be there accompany me. Maybe just a temporary needs only, which makes me feel pretty lonely.
So I have been thinking stupid things. I wonder will he not missing me. Will he forgotten me? Am I no longer attracting to him anymore? I also have no idea. But then that is the stupid thing I am thinking about.
Anyway, all these things I do not really want to care. Because I know, he still have Keith there with him. One day, eventually, he still needs to let me and I need to go my own way. However, for me, meantime, as long as he can spent some time for me, that is enough.
I guess my life really change a lot. To live as a human is not an easy task for me myself already. Living a life as a gay person is even harder at times where you cannot be sure whether you can find someone that you can share your life forever with him or not. I know even straight couple find it hard too.
Well, I have been coughing kinda badly. I do hope that he can call me and ask me how is my condition. At least it will melts my heart a little bit. However, he have not purposely call me for any reason this weekends. Perhaps he is tired, weak or there are some other things bothering him.
I'm staying at home alone the whole day. No one at home with me. Really lonely. I have no mood to go anywhere. I have no idea why after locked myself at home for the whole day, I felt so tired, tired to even more an inch. It is like I am so weak that my body is so heavy. Maybe I am affected by my emotion and feelings.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
He is Back
Dougie is back. I'm pretty suprise when he called me yesterday evening that he already at the Sepang airport. I'm glad at the same time that he is safely back to Malaysia but then we did not talk for long as he needs to call his driver to drove him home.
Anyway, I can feel that he is tired after all the things he gone through for a week in Australia. Furthermore, he needs to call up his boyfriend at the same time as well (that is what I feel but I am not sure whether he did it or not).
I'm eager to meet him as soon as possible, where I did text him this afternoon. He did replied me but I guess he needs some time to adjust himself back to the time zone. Kinda jet lag thingy. So I guess he will not be free for me this evening. It's already almost 7pm.
At first, I thought of having a dinner with him since I miss him a lot lately and wanted to see him so much. However, I do not want him to stress up himself for me. Since he did not text me back now, most probably he is engage with something or someone. I guess I will have to have my dinner alone again this Sunday.
If today he cannot make it for me, I can only hope that he can either make it for me tomorrow or some weekdays where I can meet him after his workout session in Fitness First, The Curve. If things goes worst, then I might need to meet him on the coming Saturday only.
Thinking back of the duration I get to know him, it is already almost coming 4 months. Time passes us shiftly. A lot of things change through time. The are some good and bad things overall. For example we getting closer, knowing each other better, from friend to more complicated relationship, from him reading my blogs often to slightly lesser, etc. It's really an unforgetable experience of life.^^
Anyway, I can feel that he is tired after all the things he gone through for a week in Australia. Furthermore, he needs to call up his boyfriend at the same time as well (that is what I feel but I am not sure whether he did it or not).
I'm eager to meet him as soon as possible, where I did text him this afternoon. He did replied me but I guess he needs some time to adjust himself back to the time zone. Kinda jet lag thingy. So I guess he will not be free for me this evening. It's already almost 7pm.
At first, I thought of having a dinner with him since I miss him a lot lately and wanted to see him so much. However, I do not want him to stress up himself for me. Since he did not text me back now, most probably he is engage with something or someone. I guess I will have to have my dinner alone again this Sunday.
If today he cannot make it for me, I can only hope that he can either make it for me tomorrow or some weekdays where I can meet him after his workout session in Fitness First, The Curve. If things goes worst, then I might need to meet him on the coming Saturday only.
Thinking back of the duration I get to know him, it is already almost coming 4 months. Time passes us shiftly. A lot of things change through time. The are some good and bad things overall. For example we getting closer, knowing each other better, from friend to more complicated relationship, from him reading my blogs often to slightly lesser, etc. It's really an unforgetable experience of life.^^
Friday, November 20, 2009
Pretty Lonely and Kinda Lost
It's Friday today, and I need not to work tomorrow. I just need to fetch my sister for her ballet class in the evening and my mother to get the grocery tomorrow. My entire Saturday morning seems pretty empty as Douglas will not be going with me to gym and I do not want to be there alone.
Today, my team leader is on leave. However, things still the same for my team. I got back a lot of rework cases but some are due to the error of the checker, where she miscalculated or she misread the claims. Troublesome for me to go through again the cases.
Anyway, since it's after working hour, I think I should leave all this behind and care about it on Monday. LOL. For tomorrow instead, it seems pretty dull for me. Maybe I will be doing some reading or catch up some HK series in Astro. LOL.
On Sunday, I will be attending my dancing class as usual, but after that, I am still having no idea what to do or where to go. This weekends is kinda lost for me as I felt like I have nothing to do. If he is here in KL, I guess I can still hope for him to accompany me for a dinner or so.
I miss him a lot and I guess missing him makes me feel pretty lost as I do not know what to do without him here with me. It's already more than a week I did not see him since last Thursday but I did manage to talk to him for 5 minutes before he boarded his plane and chatted with him on MSN yesterday.
I actually feel bad for him, working all alone there in Sydney and he seems to be overloaded with his work. Although I am tired for myself as well, but I do want to help him massage. Seeing him or hearing him being in such a tiring position makes me feel sad. I know the feeling of soreness of muscle after long over of working.
Lately, I always encounter that, having stiff shoulder that killing me. I still remember he helps me to massage my shoulder and it really relieve the pain so much. However, I have no idea how to do it to myself. Maybe next time I should go for a spa. LOL.
Today, my team leader is on leave. However, things still the same for my team. I got back a lot of rework cases but some are due to the error of the checker, where she miscalculated or she misread the claims. Troublesome for me to go through again the cases.
Anyway, since it's after working hour, I think I should leave all this behind and care about it on Monday. LOL. For tomorrow instead, it seems pretty dull for me. Maybe I will be doing some reading or catch up some HK series in Astro. LOL.
On Sunday, I will be attending my dancing class as usual, but after that, I am still having no idea what to do or where to go. This weekends is kinda lost for me as I felt like I have nothing to do. If he is here in KL, I guess I can still hope for him to accompany me for a dinner or so.
I miss him a lot and I guess missing him makes me feel pretty lost as I do not know what to do without him here with me. It's already more than a week I did not see him since last Thursday but I did manage to talk to him for 5 minutes before he boarded his plane and chatted with him on MSN yesterday.
I actually feel bad for him, working all alone there in Sydney and he seems to be overloaded with his work. Although I am tired for myself as well, but I do want to help him massage. Seeing him or hearing him being in such a tiring position makes me feel sad. I know the feeling of soreness of muscle after long over of working.
Lately, I always encounter that, having stiff shoulder that killing me. I still remember he helps me to massage my shoulder and it really relieve the pain so much. However, I have no idea how to do it to myself. Maybe next time I should go for a spa. LOL.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
All Alone At Home
Today, after all the hassle I have gone through last night, I am able to rest at home, but all alone at home. As usual, mother and sister will not be at home including my brother, which he will hang out with his friends. So practically I'm abandon at home alone.
Yesterday I saw Douglas text message telling me that he reached Perth already. I wanted to reply his message but then my Digi phone cannot reach to him and my Hotlink number already out of credit. I have to reply him only this morning.
He replied my message just now only. It is great to hear that he is still good there. Since he can have some time to do some shopping, I guess he still having some fun there. Not bored to death like me at home.
I wanted to watch 2012 movie actually today but then the ticket is sold out till 9pm. Even the later screening also, I will have to sit the first three rows. Furthermore, since I cannot find someone to watch with me, I guess I will not watch it for now.
So today, I actually do a lot of blogging. I blogged on my general blog about the concert I went with my family on Saturday and blog here about my loneliness feeling of being home alone today, Sunday. LOL .
Since there is nothing to do, I think the best thing I can do now is eat and do some reading or watch TV. Since lately I lost weight and have not gain back to 58kg. I'm still lack of 4kg. It always fluctuate between 54 to 56kg. I'm so depressed. So I guess I need more chocolates to do the tricks. LOL. It's chocolate feast time..
Yesterday I saw Douglas text message telling me that he reached Perth already. I wanted to reply his message but then my Digi phone cannot reach to him and my Hotlink number already out of credit. I have to reply him only this morning.
He replied my message just now only. It is great to hear that he is still good there. Since he can have some time to do some shopping, I guess he still having some fun there. Not bored to death like me at home.
I wanted to watch 2012 movie actually today but then the ticket is sold out till 9pm. Even the later screening also, I will have to sit the first three rows. Furthermore, since I cannot find someone to watch with me, I guess I will not watch it for now.
So today, I actually do a lot of blogging. I blogged on my general blog about the concert I went with my family on Saturday and blog here about my loneliness feeling of being home alone today, Sunday. LOL .
Since there is nothing to do, I think the best thing I can do now is eat and do some reading or watch TV. Since lately I lost weight and have not gain back to 58kg. I'm still lack of 4kg. It always fluctuate between 54 to 56kg. I'm so depressed. So I guess I need more chocolates to do the tricks. LOL. It's chocolate feast time..
Thursday, November 12, 2009
He Is Leaving & I'll Be Having My Things To Do
Douglas will be going to Australia this coming Saturday noon. I know I will not have the chance to meet him up before he boards the plane. The day before, which is tomorrow, as usual, I guess most probably he will be having dinner with Keith since he will be leaving for a week.
As for me, tomorrow, I might be going to The Curve, joining my ex-course mates for birthday celebration of Melissa. In my mind, I did thought of will I be bump into him? I guess I will have very slim chance on it. If he is going dinner with Keith, most probably they will be at Pavillion.
Even if I am able to meet them for a moment, I guess it would not satisfied me just to say hi and bye just like that. So, most probably we will not able to meet each other till he is back on the following week.
On the day he is boarding the flight, I will need to accomapny my mother to buy some households before joining my god-father and the rest to go Genting. They will be driving us there to catch Andy Hui's and "Sou Weng Hong"'s (I'm not so sure his name) live concert in Genting.
Anyway, I know he will be packing his stuff last minute (just to double confirm his stuff is fully packed) in the morning. Then he will need to rush to the airport early to check in as well. So I guess we will not able to see for 10 days.
Actually the reason why I wrote this blog is I really miss him right now. My mind is running wild on him and I really wanted to call him up at this time to talk to him at least. However, I worry that I will disturb him. What if he is dating with Keith right now? Then I will make a scene which complicating the situation.
There are so many doubts in me that hold me from calling him or even text him. So what I can do is to blog my feeling and hope that it will reduce my heavy feeling. Maybe I will text him tomorrow morning instead. LOL. I just hope that he will have a safe journey to Australia. I will pray for him.
As for me, tomorrow, I might be going to The Curve, joining my ex-course mates for birthday celebration of Melissa. In my mind, I did thought of will I be bump into him? I guess I will have very slim chance on it. If he is going dinner with Keith, most probably they will be at Pavillion.
Even if I am able to meet them for a moment, I guess it would not satisfied me just to say hi and bye just like that. So, most probably we will not able to meet each other till he is back on the following week.
On the day he is boarding the flight, I will need to accomapny my mother to buy some households before joining my god-father and the rest to go Genting. They will be driving us there to catch Andy Hui's and "Sou Weng Hong"'s (I'm not so sure his name) live concert in Genting.
Anyway, I know he will be packing his stuff last minute (just to double confirm his stuff is fully packed) in the morning. Then he will need to rush to the airport early to check in as well. So I guess we will not able to see for 10 days.
Actually the reason why I wrote this blog is I really miss him right now. My mind is running wild on him and I really wanted to call him up at this time to talk to him at least. However, I worry that I will disturb him. What if he is dating with Keith right now? Then I will make a scene which complicating the situation.
There are so many doubts in me that hold me from calling him or even text him. So what I can do is to blog my feeling and hope that it will reduce my heavy feeling. Maybe I will text him tomorrow morning instead. LOL. I just hope that he will have a safe journey to Australia. I will pray for him.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Some Mixed Feeling
As usual, today is our RPM class in Fitness First every Saturday morning. Today our instructor is replaced by a guy named Gareth if I'm not mistaken. Pretty usual things as it always be, which we went for our lunch together after gym session.
However, some mixed feeling that I sensed it. Douglas is going to Australia this coming Saturday, which means I'll be bored at home and enjoying the time to miss him. LOL. Another thing is that about the his project, which he intended to hire me next year which me myself pretty anxious about it.
Apart from that, some question that he popped out as well makes me think but then at the same time make me having this mixed feeling. I recall back the time where I was at his room talking almost the same issue. We actually came out with something, where if there is a good guy come up to me, perhaps we will no longer clinging in such complex relationship.
Up to now, I still have not meet any guy that seems to be great to me, do not even mention that no guys actually wanted to date me. Well, last month there were 2 'kids' wanted to but I rejected. So the plan still not working.
Anyway, I'm feeling happy seeing him happy. Even at times I do feel jealous that he treats his boyfriend better than towards me but I understand that. Somehow or rather, I felt that I really do not mind what is actually happen as long as I can see him being healthy and happy.
At times I do think, am I being selfish. Of course, I do not have the answer. I do not know am I doing a right thing or a wrong one but I know I am doing what I think I wanted it to be. I really enjoy every Saturday having RPM classes with him and we go for a lunch after that. I enjoy the time that he spents with me.
I know the happiness for me that I am having seems to be borrow from someone without permission. It is pretty hard to explain to others how I really feel and perhaps others will think that this is a stupid thing for me to do.
Well, forget it. The more I think about it would not be getting much better. That is why I choose to let it go and enjoy every moment I'm able to spent with him. My primary objective is to see the one I love happy, healthy and successful. Seeing him meeting up all that, which makes him happy, I'll be happy too.
I'm trying to speak to God in my heart before I sleep that He will help me decide my destiny. I surrender myself to Him, hoping that he will have a better arrangement for me. Well, I'm still not that good in praying, perhaps Douglas can help me with that next time or I'll need to go to church next time. LOL.
However, some mixed feeling that I sensed it. Douglas is going to Australia this coming Saturday, which means I'll be bored at home and enjoying the time to miss him. LOL. Another thing is that about the his project, which he intended to hire me next year which me myself pretty anxious about it.
Apart from that, some question that he popped out as well makes me think but then at the same time make me having this mixed feeling. I recall back the time where I was at his room talking almost the same issue. We actually came out with something, where if there is a good guy come up to me, perhaps we will no longer clinging in such complex relationship.
Up to now, I still have not meet any guy that seems to be great to me, do not even mention that no guys actually wanted to date me. Well, last month there were 2 'kids' wanted to but I rejected. So the plan still not working.
Anyway, I'm feeling happy seeing him happy. Even at times I do feel jealous that he treats his boyfriend better than towards me but I understand that. Somehow or rather, I felt that I really do not mind what is actually happen as long as I can see him being healthy and happy.
At times I do think, am I being selfish. Of course, I do not have the answer. I do not know am I doing a right thing or a wrong one but I know I am doing what I think I wanted it to be. I really enjoy every Saturday having RPM classes with him and we go for a lunch after that. I enjoy the time that he spents with me.
I know the happiness for me that I am having seems to be borrow from someone without permission. It is pretty hard to explain to others how I really feel and perhaps others will think that this is a stupid thing for me to do.
Well, forget it. The more I think about it would not be getting much better. That is why I choose to let it go and enjoy every moment I'm able to spent with him. My primary objective is to see the one I love happy, healthy and successful. Seeing him meeting up all that, which makes him happy, I'll be happy too.
I'm trying to speak to God in my heart before I sleep that He will help me decide my destiny. I surrender myself to Him, hoping that he will have a better arrangement for me. Well, I'm still not that good in praying, perhaps Douglas can help me with that next time or I'll need to go to church next time. LOL.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Nightmare
I had a nightmare today and it causes me unable to sleep back after that. Imagine that you wake up from a nighmare at 5.30am and you already set your alarm at 6.30am. Meanwhile, you cannot sleep back and wasted that hour rolling on the bed.
I felt frustrating to be rolling on my bed doing nothing, so I ended up reading my magazine at 5.50am. I think it is pretty stupid to do but that is all I can think of. Actually, I did think of other thing as well, which is someone. LOL.
Since I woke up and started to miss that person, I texted him about my having a nightmare and unable to sleep back. Of course he would not reply, he still sleeping like a cutee pig at his bed for sure.
Dougie replied my message around 9am, however I did not bring along that phone with me to work. So I did not notice about it. When I reach back home from work knowing that he actually cares about me and the nightmare I had, it melts me. LOL.
Tomorrow, I am going to meet him up from work out at Fitness First, The Curve again. I can't wait for it to come faster. LOL. Regarding his intention to hire me to work next time, I have no idea why I am so eager for it. I even scanned my certificates and ready to sent to him via email if he confirms with me. If he wants hardcopy, it's ok with me too. LOL.
I felt frustrating to be rolling on my bed doing nothing, so I ended up reading my magazine at 5.50am. I think it is pretty stupid to do but that is all I can think of. Actually, I did think of other thing as well, which is someone. LOL.
Since I woke up and started to miss that person, I texted him about my having a nightmare and unable to sleep back. Of course he would not reply, he still sleeping like a cutee pig at his bed for sure.
Dougie replied my message around 9am, however I did not bring along that phone with me to work. So I did not notice about it. When I reach back home from work knowing that he actually cares about me and the nightmare I had, it melts me. LOL.
Tomorrow, I am going to meet him up from work out at Fitness First, The Curve again. I can't wait for it to come faster. LOL. Regarding his intention to hire me to work next time, I have no idea why I am so eager for it. I even scanned my certificates and ready to sent to him via email if he confirms with me. If he wants hardcopy, it's ok with me too. LOL.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Forgot Everything
Today, I meet up with Dougie supposing for the RPM class, however due to heavy traffic, I was late for the class. Ended up, I just utilised the treadmill instead. So I jogged for 20 minutes and rest waiting for Dougie to meet me up.
As usual, he will be scaring me for my back. Well, get when to get some fruit juices and then hit to Shih Lin Taiwan snack for our so-called dinner. I actually had a great time with him. I have no idea why, but then I felt great as long as he is with me.
Now, I'm at home. If not he mentioned about the souvenirs he got me from Hong Kong, I really forget about it. I guess I will have to wait for the next meet up with him before I can get those stuff from him.
I'm actually really glad that he cares about me a lot. I can fell his loves towards me. Although at times I do feel that I does not entirely have him, or perhaps this kind of happiness is like I'm borrowing from someone else, I do feel he is real to me.
I hope that God hears my prayers and grant me my wishes. I just hope that he will be happy in his life as well as I am. I hope nothing bad happen to both of us.
As usual, he will be scaring me for my back. Well, get when to get some fruit juices and then hit to Shih Lin Taiwan snack for our so-called dinner. I actually had a great time with him. I have no idea why, but then I felt great as long as he is with me.
Now, I'm at home. If not he mentioned about the souvenirs he got me from Hong Kong, I really forget about it. I guess I will have to wait for the next meet up with him before I can get those stuff from him.
I'm actually really glad that he cares about me a lot. I can fell his loves towards me. Although at times I do feel that I does not entirely have him, or perhaps this kind of happiness is like I'm borrowing from someone else, I do feel he is real to me.
I hope that God hears my prayers and grant me my wishes. I just hope that he will be happy in his life as well as I am. I hope nothing bad happen to both of us.
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