Undefined Loneliness of Life and Despair at Work

Loneliness is really something that everyone will think it's a bad thing or something that you don't want to be. This includes me, which I think it's very obvious. Imagine that I hate to eat alone, sleep alone (but have kinda used to it), watch movie alone or shop alone. All this just because I hate the loneliness feeling.

Most of the time, during hangout or even shopping with friends, seeing those couples holding hands really makes me think, why I can't have that. It's been 2 years and 5 months officially that I'm not officially attached with anyone. Not that I don't want to, but it's either others don't want to be attached with me, or we don't think we suit for each other or even he is simply not interested with me. Probably some just want sex that's it.

Is my life going to be like this in the future? Can I have a better life? Just a stable and simple life with someone I loved and he loves me back as life partner to walk this fragile life on the surface of the Earth before we meet Him when our life journey ended, could we? I'm not sure myself also. I hope Lord could inspire me or even guide me towards those answer for all those questions.

This year birthday is really simple. Why I said so is because how and who celebrated it with me, we can see it. Charles did treat me dinner at Kissaten that night with a slice of cake at IOI Boulevard. I treated him back a cup of coffee. Before that evening, Philip treated me for lunch and we shared an ice cream. All his treats. Then on the Sunday, my ex-colleagues (2 of them) treated me lunch at Tony Roma's.

In terms of birthday present, my sister got a 3 bars of chocolates and a card, ex-colleagues got me some chocolates too, and Douglas got me some chocolates (either it's souvenir or present, I don't know). Basically just chocolates at birthday gift. So nothing special also. Probably the unknown send who sent me a gay birthday card is pretty surprising, other than that it's nothing.

I think Douglas no longer read my blog. Why would he reads it anymore. Probably he found someone new and nice to hangout with. Lots of his promises is no longer coming true. I think it will soon be the end of term. He mentioned to me before that he will get me something special, which will surprise me this year birthday, ended up he is not there on my special day and chocolates is not a surprising to me from him anymore.

Let's not deviate too far from the title of my post. So I just mentioned about the loneliness I'm feeling inside now. Birthday this year feel really lonely. I do have friends, but not many. Definitely I have no lover, don't have someone that is so dear to me in my life except for my family to be there in my life, or with me on those special days.

At work, the person that is so dear to me, which is my bestest friend I'm having is also my boss. I have no idea how to deal with him at times or almost anytime. Sometimes I do really feel that he indirectly saying that I'm not that useful, and my colleague is far more excel that me because she is being promoted even though we enter this company at the same time and I'm higher paid that her. Is that mean that he wanted to tell me that he is being nice to me already?

How about what I feel? He needs his ego, I do need mine too. If I'm not up to expectation, I should be considering other career if I'm ain't the qualified for this job. But, he should let me know. Not to mentioned that it frustrates me when he treats me differently depending on his mood, time and his preference. I have feeling too. Sometimes I really feel offended the way he talks to me. But I can't angry him for long also. Maybe in my heart, I still love him and I know he loves me to some point.

Love is a very wide and deep thing to learn, to share, to give and to receive. One must not or at least minimised the chance of hurting or breaking ones heart because it's the most fragile thing we have. My heart scattered many times. Now and then, I just shed tears thinking back things happened on me before and now. Feeling lonely inside not because God not with me, but the angel in my life is not show himself.

The Most Lonely Birthday Ever..

It's freaking lonely this year's birthday of mine. Till now, I just realised that I only got 1 Facebook wall wish from a dance-mate. That's it. I thought Facebook is great. Everyone should reminded on who so and so's birthday. But I get none. Friend wishes also nobody except Douglas just whatsapp me.

Actually even that, probably I reminded him on it. Seriously, I think he already to busy to remember my birthday. I don't wanna make a fuss about it. It's not like he has to remember it or do anything about it. Even my best friend don't do anything about it yet. What can I say? Okay, I did get some wishes at church just now. That's also partly I said it out since they ask me how is my week.

So there is no SMS, no whatsapp (except from Douglas), no Facebook wall (except one), no calls, nothing till this very moment people wish me happy birthday in any way. Don't even mention about celebrating it. So this year, it's my f*cking lonely year ever. It's really painful to even write this post here.

Every word I wrote here is accompanied by my tear of loneliness and unexplainable emotional disaster that occurring inside me. Life of a single guy - dull and painful. That's for me. How come I can't be like somebody else that have a decent relationship and settle down? Am I that bad and not attractive at all as a boyfriend?

Tears Flow Like a River

I don't know why today I'm kind of emotional. Apparently, I feel like I'm getting old and I've gone through almost a quarter of my life. However, what I'm hoping and longing for is just not there yet.

I went to church lately and I hear a lot of inspiring talk from lots of people. About how you put your faith on Him and he will love you and fill up the emptiness in your heart. I'm putting my faith on him, but I still haven't found the other half that I'm longing for to walk this fragile life of mine.

I don't know why, I felt like I have this feeling that I would not be in this world for very long time. I don't hope that the day I'm not here anymore, there isn't someone that will truly care about me or love me whole heartily.

Life is tough. Walking life alone is very lonely. I do feel lonely, I do feel scare. This year birthday, is not going to be a great one. It will be simple, probably boring and even painful. It marks that I'm getting older and still single for almost 3 years.

Birthday is somehow scary and lonely for myself. My mother is thinking to pre-celebrate my birthday after the tomb sweeping day this coming Sunday. It seems odd, but I appreciate that she even thinks of it, because she usually don't.

Probably my old colleagues will celebrate for me, somehow simple one. It happens that they called me and book me on the 16th, a day after my birthday to hangout. I guess they want to celebrate for me, if I'm not mistaken. Or else, it just another gathering only. (thick face of mine)

How about the actual day? It's Friday and I need to work. Do I plan to take leave? What is the point when you have no one to celebrate with you and nobody is asking you out on that day itself till now. It's just another 11 days left.

I guess I teared because I feel really lonely. Till now, I still can't find someone that I can lay my love on and get the sweet moment with the special one. Probably there will be no one except God. If that's the case, I do hope Lord take me with him as life on Earth is getting tougher than I can cope with already.