Can I Really Cope & Like Doing Sales Job? How I Want My Life To Be?

I've been asking myself lately this question. Can I cope with sales job? Will I like it or go on with it? It's really something that's bothering me lately. It's not like others influencing me or I'm hating someone in my organisation but more on the job's nature. What I'm really comfortable working as or doing for living?

Douglas has his point too. What he told me few weeks ago is true. Ones principal can't generates money for living. But money can buy happiness or mental comfort? Somehow I'm not that excited about the job I'm in. I'm not sure myself is due to the job nature, people around me or perhaps the stress I'm having.

I'm upset with the working condition I'm in. Maybe I'm a bit exaggerate my feeling about the working condition I'm in. Not exactly or solely on the whole working environment, but more on every aspect that I'm experiencing in this company. I would say more on the colleague relationship. I do feel that most people favours other department or people. It's natural thing. But somehow just it feels not that right.

Indeed I do think Douglas favours me a bit, but at work, I think that is not the case. I think I'm the most frequent person that got the stress, scolding (perhaps not thay harsh all the time but it can be quite sarcastic in most of the time) and what's not, that frustration he has. Actually seeing him stress out, I'm really upset. But I can't help him much.

His stress mainly from his dad. The worst thing is he always transfer the negativity energy to us all. Maybe I'm the most useless staff in the department because I think he backs me up in front of his dad (which wht he told me), that's all I know. But JY, she seems to has all the backing from him. Like what he mentioned that day, she has better portfolio than me.

I'm considering maybe I should look for some other job before I'm getting to the extent where the company thinks that I'm a liability. I join the company in the first place because he told me that I'm not involved in sales. I'll be more on the research, promotion, marketing side of the products. I thought I could learn something. Well I did learn a lot but it really seems diviate a lot from the initial what I'm expecting.

Well, life still have to goes on and I'll need a job that able to make me survive and pay off all my loans. Im confused with the situation I'm in because I've no idea where will I get to the end. I'm just hoping everything will go smoothly so that my dream to have a small running business of my own can fulfilled. A good concept café is all I want. Adequate business, stable life, good health and wealth, and stable relationship is what I'm looking to.

Stress is Building Up

I feel there is way too much stress to deal with everyday in our life. We choose various ways to release that stress either by crying, finding comfort from others, doing something like eating, singing, etc. For example, it's so rare I saw Douglas shed his tears. I really thinks he is in great pressure or feel somehow down for what so ever reason.

Anyway, like I said, stress build up over time. Even for myself, I can't be sure how much stress I'll be getting at work, financially, family, and relationship. At work, it's seems that the indirect pressure putting on Douglas affects us too. Since BH is leaving soon, I believe that the higher management is going to squeeze me again.

Probably, I'll be more stressful once they force me to do more local or corporate sales. I really think if this not the job I want to do. Export sales is fine because it's not that I needed actively to meet them all up to make sure they buy my product and hit those sales target. Anyway, I'm not sure what job really suit me also.

Financially, I don't think I need to mention much. I'm in debt in any way. Of course, my PTPTN loans still pending for payment, I need more money to settle with my life, save for future too. If not, all my dreams is gone. My Japan trip will not be a reality if I still can't settle the loans. Well, car loans still can settle as I pay my installment every month. Just this and that tighten my budget. If I want to date Dickson, my financial status sure rebel me.

Family, mostly on the financial part. I don't think want to discuss family issue much here. Probably post it next time on my other blog or something.

Love issue, I'm stuck in between everyone. I do love Douglas a lot but we can't work the normal way because he will not let go the forest for me. Love and sex really different thing all together for him. I can't accept it that well, so he also thinks that we can't get attached. Maybe this is what those Chinese proverbs says,, "got the opportunity, but no fate".

Another one is Dickson. He is a nice guy but then I don't find him click with me much. However, I know that he likes me a lot. He will definitely try to work out this relationship. The problem is on me. I seriously think that we have something missing somewhere. He doesn't have a car that makes my life difficult. Intelligent issue is another story. I'm confuse myself at this moment.

Maybe because of Dickson, this makes me think that Jimmy is not too bad. But I have no idea what things lead for Jimmy and me. He is a smart guy, studying medicine. Future doctor sounds much more promising but then he is a shopaholic himself. I wonder will he able to take care of me? Financially he is stable but will he spend on dating me? Till now, he still haven't seems to be interested on me yet. Maybe I should just ignore thinking about him.

Noel, Elwin, Wilson, Albert, etc. shouldn't be anything troublesome. I think I told them clearly and I'm clear about myself on them. It's either no feel or not possible to be together. I think love issue is killing me soon. Got also feel terrible, don't have also feel stupid and lonely. Seriously no idea how to cope with all sort of stress.

Valentine's Day

Tuesday was Valentine's Day. It suppose to be a romantic and sweet day that you celebrate it with your partner or the one you ever loved. How did I celebrate it? I don't think it's consider a celebration because it doesn't seems to be a planned celebration.

How do I feel? I feel lonely of course. Suppose to be dating with Dickson, who are a guy that I'm seeing now, dating about, but he is involved in an accident at his hometown, so he can't make it back here. Ironically, I don't feel much disappointment. Maybe I don't have much feeling with him yet because I do somehow feel that there is something missing between us.

Well, Douglas did have a dinner with me that night. Somehow, it's not as sweet as last year even though that time he still has his boyfriend all to himself. Maybe it just too simple, I felt somehow lack of some surprises or something. Anyway, he has no obligation to do anything sweet for me also. If not because Dickson can't make it, he wouldn't even dine with me that day.

Anyway, this year Valentine's Day is just another day for me as there was nothing really sweet or any great surprises. Perhaps that's how it will be for the following years. Dickson is still a distance away to really win my heart away. I'm open up to date with other people rather to be bind tight with someone I don't or guarantee match with me.

Tonight, I'm going to hang out with Jimmy. Let's see what is it all about. Well, no more great hopes and come great disappointment. Just another dinner date that's it. Will carry on everything from friendship. I think maybe I'm just too picky or I can't find someone that I can truly lay my love on. I hope that person will soon appear in my life.

Lord, I hope you can grant this little wish of mine. Amen.

Old Feeling is Back

It's been really long time I didn't have such feeling back. The feeling of been in love. I mean all this time, right after I break up with Brian, this feeling never really come back. I always ended up in those so-called-relationship, which is merely a date.

Those guys that I went dating with never last more than a month. Kelvin, due to he is bottom. We can't suit each other. Followed by Willy, then Michael, Wayne, Leon and lately, Elvin. Well, Douglas is not in this list because he is somehow special.

He is the only one that I love him but then I don't love him. I don't love him as boyfriend because I choose to. I don't want to hurt myself and I know he doesn't want that too. However, we will still care for each other. So, he will forever remain as my best friend.

As for all the good feeling is this new guy called Dickson. He does make me feel like in heaven just in these few days. I do want to give him a chance. He did a lot of things to know me, to get my attention. I think he deserve a chance too.

The only concern I have right now is my own paranoid. I never meet him before and I already have this strong feeling with him. Maybe it's due to the fact that he is very sweet to me on the phone. But rationally, shouldn't I need to know him much further because deciding?

I found out that he added one of my friend on Facebook. So I did called up that friend to get some information about Dickson but I get very little. At least he also thinks that he is a nice person to talk to.

However, I still want to ask him. He can lie to me, but then it's better to hear from him also. At least I'm not making any stupid paranoid thought that he is a bad person that will hurt me. If he does, then at least it's he lie to me. If I simply put the label that he is a person that going to hurt me, then if he is not, I'm basically an asshole already.