Eventually Things Ended

On Tuesday night, Leon find me to talk. I was kinda tired with work and since I had migraine in the earlier of the day, I decided not to go out. So after some negotiation with him, finally he decided to come over to talk to me.

I was thinking that he just wanted to talk to me as in wanted to see me since we haven't seen each other for few days. I was too caring away with my own conversation about my stress from work and almost neglected him. However, I should thank him for listening to all my troubles.

Then I felt something is not so right with him as he said that he have something to talk to me. So I asked him what is the matter that running on his head. At first, he was reluctant to share as he said that I'm not having a good day so he doesn't want to spoilt it worst.

I was thinking how worst can my day be. So I insisted him to spill it out as I think how bad also, I still have him to hug for awhile. Then he popped out that question that what do we think about the relationship. I already know this day will come somehow.

Indeed I don't felt much like in relationship being together with him for a month, but at times he does do some little things that makes me happy. I had been single for hell long time, I also hope that I can find someone for myself. But if he can throw out this question to me, I think we ain't working out that good.

Since that he also think that some problem persist already, I decided to keep him as a friend better than I lose this nice person completely. I treasure all my friends. I treasure them all. Maybe I'm too much on relying on someone that makes me doesn't grow much.

I think I shall really be back myself and start to be focusing on what I had promise myself. To be with Douglas is really nice and happy moment I gain for all this while. But I can't forget that we had a promise that I shall look for someone that will want me to be his bf.

Thinking back on Leon, I was not being loyal to him when I was dating him, even thought it's just for a short period and I'm just dating him (kinda like a probation period). However, it's not myself to date someone and yet having fun with someone else at the same time. I'm being such a bad bad boy that period of time going to gay sauna and done something that I never did before, threesome and 4P.

I think it's time for me to stop all this. I felt like I'm no longer like I am use to be, innocent somehow and angel like. I mean at least not devil like. But how I look at myself, I felt like I'm doing so many bad stuff lately already. I think I need to repent for my mistakes. I don't hope my punishment is to be alone for this life. I do pray to find someone that can be with me together and walk through our life together.

Time for me to be naughty and bad had come to me and I think it should be gone. I think I shall not go to gay sauna for sex once I found someone special in my life. I think I shall not be too attach to Douglas when I have another chance to date someone good. I mean I need to let Douglas know that I'm dating that guy, I will need some time for myself.

I don't know why this kinda feeling suddenly pop up in my mind. I felt better throwing it out. Hope everything goes on smooth. Well, I wonder when only that good person will finally come to me. I pray for the angel to come to me and sent me that someone special. Amen.

I'm Frustrated with Myself

I'm pretty confused now. Lately I felt like so many changes in me and people around me. Am I not able to cope with it or is it out of my own principle some how. I'm having a date right now. I mean as in someone who really into dating me for relationship which I think I'm longing for. Somehow or rather something is not so right also.

I shall be happy but I'm not that thrill with it. Is it because I'm not loving that guy enough or I'm minding some of the stuff of being with him? Well, definitely some which I think matters to me is his dick's size. I'm not satisfy with him. But this can't change. Maybe that frustrates me about him.

Somehow he makes me feel bad as well. The more he tries to treat me well, the worst I feel. Like today, he texted me with some cheering SMS, somehow I feel sweet. But I felt bad at the same time. I did something that beyond my norm is to have threesome that day at sauna. I felt so weird.

I bet Douglas enjoying so much. Well, I already known him to be naughty. Maybe kinda playboy type. I used to accept him to be playboy, I mean knowing him have something with Bryan, knowing him having Keith as boyfriend yet still hang out with me closely. Somehow beyond normal friendship. I do feel like a mistress somehow. But thinking back on the ground, we had threesome with a complete stranger, I somehow felt bad.

Maybe I can't accept it somehow. Yes, it's exciting but I felt guilty somehow. Towards Leon, it's like I'm lying to him. Towards Douglas is that I felt like he is betraying Keith to a different level. To myself as I'm being such a bad boy. I'm frustrated that I'm not able to read myself. Am I doing a right thing?

Somehow I feel like I'm having so much sin. Much more to be a gay. Will Lord forgive my sin and him? I do feel that I love Douglas the most at this moment. But does this hurts our relationship if I'm not feeling so right to what we have being doing lately? I rather he fucks me than getting someone else touch him. I do felt like I rather threesome between Keith, him and me than Felix.

I have no idea what I'm thinking. I don't know why it just pop up in my mind I feel bad about it. Maybe Felix keeps texting us makes me feel bad. It seems Felix like Douglas a lot makes me jealous as well I guess. Perhaps Douglas likes him or chatting with him a lot makes me feels bad too. I think I'm crazy and emotional now..