Annoying Surprise

Today is the last day of my training program that organised by my company. I knew that he will be less likely to accompany me after the training (my intuition told me that). However, I was told by him that he might surprise me. I told him back that I feel unwanted surprises.

Indeed it turns out to be it, the annoying way. When we about to leave, he told me that he will be calling me to inform me about tonight. I told him back to just text me when he is home. He did that. Very well. So I suppose to wait for his call or probably surprises (which I presume the positive one will be he dining with me).

Frankly speaking, I don't have much faith on him that he will spend time with me by looking at him telling me that he might surprise me. I'm just expecting him to be honest with me, if he can't make it, don't give me false hope. At least inform me in advance and don't make me wait like an asshole.

I waited him to text me. First text was he was home and he needs a shower. So I waited some more for his reply on the 'surprise' he meant. Then time past and I can't wait any longer as I waited from 7.00pm to 8.00pm. If he can't eat with me, at least tell me earlier and I'll see what I can do. I'm actually disappointed with him. But nothing I can do. I believe he has his plan with his family already then. So I texted him that I'm not going to disturb him.

Later only he replied me that he is going to spend time with his family and will talk me later, and he will pick me up at 9.15am to church tomorrow. I'm totally depress with our relationship progress. It's like we are not getting anymore sparks and things happening is kinda routine. We begin to be less sensitive to our needs, our feelings, our thoughts, or expectation.

He might say that I'm over expecting, I'm possessive, I'm unreasonable, I'm emotional, I'm not understanding, etc. But is he providing what I really need? I don't know the answer. What do I really need from him? I'm not sure but I feel that he is not giving what I really need. But I never confronted him directly about this. I don't want to be seen as sulking all the time. But I'm sure he thinks of me that way all the time.

His late reply totally kills of my mood of the day, despite I don't have much mood today already. This 2 days training, even thought we sleep at the same room, I don't find we both utilize the favorable time for each other. Basically, he just sit in front of his computer and start all his political blogging. The moment he sleeps next to me is just to cuddle a little bit. Sex, it's more like I'm satisfying his needs, which is oral.

Well, I'm actually dare not to hope to have any sex with him because I don't know how he will be react. Usually, he just turn me off. He can't really read when I'm in needs, when I merely want to play about it. Perhaps I'm started to give up on this sex issue because I felt that there is no way he will sit down with me to settle or talk about this issue.

I'm totally no appetite to eat, therefore I'm skipping dinner again. When he read this, he will start to blame himself to me that he is bad, useless or negative stuff about him of not doing well. That's not what I want to hear. I want real solution or changes, not political talk. He should know very well about this.

I'm so down with the experience I'm going through with him lately. We become more religious and spiritual person, but our relationship become less salted. The spiritual needs that I'm opting for from him is fading from time to time without his reliazing it. He tooks up so many things and expect me to be understanding his situation. Did he try to reduce his ego of over proving himself to spare quality time for me? If he did, how come I can't sense it. Is the problem with me?

Disclaimer: All critiques is done during emotional status. Any bias, prejudice thoughts, harmful, insensitive, harsh, negative words, and related issues are truly regretted.