Loneliness is really something that everyone will think it's a bad thing or something that you don't want to be. This includes me, which I think it's very obvious. Imagine that I hate to eat alone, sleep alone (but have kinda used to it), watch movie alone or shop alone. All this just because I hate the loneliness feeling.
Most of the time, during hangout or even shopping with friends, seeing those couples holding hands really makes me think, why I can't have that. It's been 2 years and 5 months officially that I'm not officially attached with anyone. Not that I don't want to, but it's either others don't want to be attached with me, or we don't think we suit for each other or even he is simply not interested with me. Probably some just want sex that's it.
Is my life going to be like this in the future? Can I have a better life? Just a stable and simple life with someone I loved and he loves me back as life partner to walk this fragile life on the surface of the Earth before we meet Him when our life journey ended, could we? I'm not sure myself also. I hope Lord could inspire me or even guide me towards those answer for all those questions.
This year birthday is really simple. Why I said so is because how and who celebrated it with me, we can see it. Charles did treat me dinner at Kissaten that night with a slice of cake at IOI Boulevard. I treated him back a cup of coffee. Before that evening, Philip treated me for lunch and we shared an ice cream. All his treats. Then on the Sunday, my ex-colleagues (2 of them) treated me lunch at Tony Roma's.
In terms of birthday present, my sister got a 3 bars of chocolates and a card, ex-colleagues got me some chocolates too, and Douglas got me some chocolates (either it's souvenir or present, I don't know). Basically just chocolates at birthday gift. So nothing special also. Probably the unknown send who sent me a gay birthday card is pretty surprising, other than that it's nothing.
I think Douglas no longer read my blog. Why would he reads it anymore. Probably he found someone new and nice to hangout with. Lots of his promises is no longer coming true. I think it will soon be the end of term. He mentioned to me before that he will get me something special, which will surprise me this year birthday, ended up he is not there on my special day and chocolates is not a surprising to me from him anymore.
Let's not deviate too far from the title of my post. So I just mentioned about the loneliness I'm feeling inside now. Birthday this year feel really lonely. I do have friends, but not many. Definitely I have no lover, don't have someone that is so dear to me in my life except for my family to be there in my life, or with me on those special days.
At work, the person that is so dear to me, which is my bestest friend I'm having is also my boss. I have no idea how to deal with him at times or almost anytime. Sometimes I do really feel that he indirectly saying that I'm not that useful, and my colleague is far more excel that me because she is being promoted even though we enter this company at the same time and I'm higher paid that her. Is that mean that he wanted to tell me that he is being nice to me already?
How about what I feel? He needs his ego, I do need mine too. If I'm not up to expectation, I should be considering other career if I'm ain't the qualified for this job. But, he should let me know. Not to mentioned that it frustrates me when he treats me differently depending on his mood, time and his preference. I have feeling too. Sometimes I really feel offended the way he talks to me. But I can't angry him for long also. Maybe in my heart, I still love him and I know he loves me to some point.
Love is a very wide and deep thing to learn, to share, to give and to receive. One must not or at least minimised the chance of hurting or breaking ones heart because it's the most fragile thing we have. My heart scattered many times. Now and then, I just shed tears thinking back things happened on me before and now. Feeling lonely inside not because God not with me, but the angel in my life is not show himself.
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