Never knew that this issue raise up so early in my relationship with Douglas. Although I thought about it before that this will happen but not that soon or early stage or of relationship. Probably because we already dating each other before that, and I didn't take it into consideration for the timeline this will probably occur.
After saying so much, I haven't mention what is the issue. It's that our family knew about it. For me, I'm lucky because my mother knew that I'm gay. Who I am with would not be much of a problem. It's my boyfriend. He is in dilemma on what to do to ease the condition. According to him, his mum and dad seems to suspect a little. How much? I have no idea.
Probably we are kind of obvious. I did try my very best to prevent it to happen but it seems doesn't work as I expected. There is a lot of stupid things run in my head regards to this issue. Things like:
1. What we need to do, or what is the solution to this matter?
2. What will the outcome of the solution, and will it affect our relationship?
3. Could we cope with the arrangment?, and etc.
The whole issue started most probably because he is too honest to his parents about his whereabout and who is he with. Well, i have to admit that he did most of the time with me. Monday we have badminton together, Wednesday we will have movie together, and Saturday, if he is free, he will accompany for lunch. Despite that we work together, that's the only time that we have private time together.
Both of us did mentioned about some sort of solution. He mentioned that perhaps I need to give him some spare time to make new friends. Friends from churches or even new not gay guys or the best, FEMALES. I think that's the hardest part. He suggest that friends that connected directly from me. Well, I don't think that is necessary. But if I'm to introduce females to him, I kinda have to be open to my female friends too.
His next solution is to really find a lesbian and pretend to date and eventually fake marriage to fool his parents. For me, I'm really lost in this. It feels like I lost half of him even though I know that he loves me. Next, I do feel bad for him that have to keep on lying to everyone. It's really difficult as I went through it before I come out to my mum. Well, I can't imagine to lie to myself to fake a marriage to hide myself.
I did suggest that perhaps I'll reduce lunch with him as it's also part of his dad suspicion comes. Next, even more drastic is to leave the company. Of course not now or else like I'm telling everyone that it true and I'm hiding it. Probably after this year or end of the year. By that, his dad can't say that I'm influecing him, and he will have nothing to talk about I'm too close to him. But my boyfriend did say that his dad also know he went out with me after work. I wonder why can't he lie to his dad. Like he says he went out with so and so (e.g. Charles, or Theresa) when he is with me.
There is so many other things running in my mind but I just can't synthesis it all and write it here. I'm having mix feeling and I don't know how to deal with this disaster after all. Well, I believe even my boyfriend having this issue on how to handle it. Because he did mentioned before somehow related to this issue.
He said to me before when I just know him that time, he will married a lesbian and fool everyone else where he will continue living with his boyfriend. Then he told me that he thought of bringing his boyfriend with him and settle down in Australia and start over there where nobody will know him. Then he told me that we plan to stay here and just tell his parents that he doesn't want to marry such early age and wait till he is too old to get one. Now he told me back his initial one.
I think I never know how to deal with such complication. All this haven't even include the issue with religion or how to answer God if what our choices to be gay is religiously wrong or not what God wants us to be. But I believe God created us like this for a reason. If not, then I don't know what I can do? Continue to sin if it's not right; or if it not wrong, shall we fight for our rights? I doubt he will fight together hand in hand with me. Family comes first to him. For me, both of them comes first as I treated both of them as family.
If there is solutions or perhaps a better solution, even suggestion towards this matter, it will be great if someone can share with me. I'm seriously lost and I'm stuck. I hate to be in complicated situation that I can't control and predict about. I guess I have to leave it to God. But Lord, why grant us to love each other yet can't love each other the way we want?
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