When Expectation Meets With Reality

Today is a very special day. My boyfriend able to find some time to have dinner with me tonight as he even rejected his mother's invitation for dinner to eat with me. I'm so happy in the beginning and am I still happy that he does but there is something else disturbing me.

As we had our dinner already, we decided to walk around. As usual, he will target for his bubble tea and I will get mine. As we bought the bubble tea and walk around at about 9.00m, we coincidentally saw his friend who also called Terence (let's make it in short, TN). And guess what, we were standing there talking to this friend till 10.10pm.

I was thinking in my head at that time, this week, Monday he was busy, Tuesday we went to church service together but I don't think that is so much of a personal time for each other, Wednesday I was with my friend Charles, Thursday he was busy and today finally we have so time together and we basically standing there catching up with a friend.

It's not a bad thing as in he should catch up with his friend but then I feel uneasy. Things that they say are fine except a couple of things that stir my emotion. I know it will be so sensitive to talk about company issue too deep with his friend and it's also make it sound like our company really in deep shit.

So what I'm unhappy about was that he mentioned about moving into his new apartment, and he was saying that he wanted to throw a party when his folks is not around. He mentioned that he will invite TN for the party, then after a few seconds only he mentioned to invite me along. It makes me feel like the party is for his friend, or perhaps his friend is more important to invite before me.

He added to his friend whether try sitting in his new car. I know he has a nice car, but then why suddenly offer them to sit at your car if there is no need for it. Is it purposely to show a bit as a ego thingy or something else that I don't hope to be like he is having a slight feeling for someone else.

Third issue that I can think of that makes me uneasy was he asked TN three times indirectly, and directly about his ex-boyfriend. Whether about his work or his life. He did even mentioned to TN to promote him since TN is his ex-boyfriend's manager. I mean that does make me a little bit jealous as my boyfriend is very much still care about his ex-boyfriend in front of me. I just need him to make me feel that he cares for me more than his ex-boyfriend. It's the quality, not the quantity that counts.

All this is not to say that I'm angry at him or what. It just a bit disappointed when your own boyfriend doesn't seems to be caring you more than other people out there. I don't mean he doesn't but it feels that way. First, invite friends over for party and remember you last, then inviting a single friend over for a car ride and lastly, asking about his ex-boyfriend in front of me without easing my feeling.

I'm just emotional over this minor issues I know. Just couldn't help it to be not pleased with such things. I expect more of him but come out less. After tonight, I will probably able to see him only on next week Tuesday, then follow by Sunday if I'm lucky or else the following week. I feel like I know very little of his schedule and I don't know how to plan my time for him.

Emotions - Am I Able to Go Thru This?

I wonder what I really want at times. Seriously, I'm emotional disturb. Thanks to God, I'm able to control it still. However, I don't know will I breakdown at a point of time. Both in relationship and at work, I'm starting to feel the pressure.

The late conversation with my boyfriend regarding our relationship lately makes me really think and consider what am I doing and what I need to do to work this relationship out. He already stated that I'm possessive and demanding where I thought I'm being normal or average. I'm trying now to ignore all my disappointment I get when I'm not pleased with him but I'm struggling to handle my emotion.

Like today, I'm feeling really emotional at work yet pressure and stressful. When I faced a problem beyond what I can put an advise to my staff, I seek his help and there are some issues that I need to sort out with him. I understand that he hires me to solve problem. But I really feel demotivated when he just throw it back at me when there is no solution. I tried to solve it but then the other parties give me another problem. Well, I'm not going to talk about work here.

Main point is I feel that I can't control my emotion well enough. I don't want to feel sad and disappointed of wanting him to spare more time with me and he can't make it for me. I don't even want to feel bad when he doesn't seems to understand me or sensitive about how I feel. I find myself have to ignore him or even have to treat him like a friend instead of boyfriend in order to avoid feeling bad.

I don't know am I running away from the problem or not. I believe that he will not happy about what I feel here or talk about. I don't even know what I can do to ease the condition. I'm worrying that this will worsen my relationship with him. I do feel like giving up of all the pressure I'm gaining recently.

Minor issue like I didn't notice that he is on the phone and still talk to him seems to piss him off. He confronted to me but when I'm at the bad condition. I'm already so forgetful to dress red for the service due to rushing over and I have to walk alone in the dark like 500 metres away from where I parked to church, where I'm afraid of the dark. I just don't know he understands me what I need at times. Maybe I don't understand him back as well.

This Chinese New Year, he didn't even notice that I've told him that I'm going to Penang for family vacation. I've mentioned to him twice before that but he just thought that I'm saying it only. So this festive season, I will be visiting no one except on Sunday if my church mates are going to my cell group leader's house. I'm not going to think about this lousy festive season that I will have this year.

I think I'm not at the bottom of my life, but I'm neither at the top. The stress that I gain from work, the problems I face daily, I do think of resigning as I don't know how am I able to grow anymore. In relationship, I also don't know how to grow the relationship. Maybe what he wants is different from what I want. I just want a simple love life but loving him is a complicated task.

Lord, I pray that You will guide me. Show me the way, guide me on what I should do and strengthen me. Grant me what I what I deserved, what I longing for if it's Your will. I don't know what else I can do. May You lead me to my destination. Amen.

Basic of Love

It's a brand new year and this will be my very first blog for this year. I realized that I usually take this blog for all my grudges, complaints, throw all my sadness and hard time here. Well, today is nothing special, I'm still using this blog for all my emotional issues, personal things and what I feel in my life.

So, what is the basic of love or the fundamental of a relationship? I think this is something that I need to learn and experience. The significant of love that I experience so far is pure heart, trust, and sacrifice. In all, the return is great love, either from your partner, or family. Even all this you fail to experience, there is still the love from God.

This past 5 months, I grow spiritually in my walk with God that I've never dare to take. It is so much debate in my life that halt me to do so like my family, where my mother is not very supportive in term of me taking up Christianity, of me being scare to enter a church full of people (stranger) that I don't know and lack of security.

Before I walk this walk, I did pray that Lord will show me a way out someday that I can finally run out of the tunnel of despair, of darkness that I can't understand. Knowing someone that capture my heart is not easy, especially after being hurt and scattered my heart to million pieces. Worst of all, I met with a guy that has a boyfriend that time and he is a player.

Eventually, I started my journey as a believer without I noticing it. Thinking it back, I'm basically can't recall how I started my journey. What I know is I need to seek for some sort of security and I didn't manage to get it through what I used to believe. That's how I started to seek Him. I was challenging Him to show His mercy on me if He is real to give me a secure relationship.

I was still very much attached my current boyfriend where that time, he is just another player and we were merely best friend and sex buddy. He never treated me as a boyfriend and I never dare to dream that I'll be his boyfriend. But in my heart, I just love him and I don't know why. It's really hurt that time but I kept praying for miracle to happen to me, not making him my boyfriend but someone sincerely want to be my boyfriend.

Cut the long story short, many things happened and we finally becoming a couple. Initially, it's quite bitter for me as he is very much still a player. At that point, I was thinking that maybe God really hates me. He just loves to fool around with us. But finally, I understand that God also want to test our patient with Him, believe in Him and never stop praying even no matter what happened.

Just after one month of our relationship, we found a church to attached with. It's more like he find it for me as I told him I need a church. I can't understand why at that time I will say that. Throughout the first month we together, it's bitter sweet for me as I've to bear with him having fun around. But after the new church we attend together, he changes a lot. He no longer fooling around and fear God so much that I almost at time think he is like a monk or going to be a priest.

There is a lot of changes in my life and thank God that He is always there for me to help me with my issues. He brings back a very best friend of mine, Boon Hein to be there to hear me out when I wanted to spill out all my frustration and sadness.

Having to say that, doesn't mean that God gives me everything now and it's heaven on Earth already. I believe He still has many things to test me, many things to make me learn and that's why I still have sadness, and every little things that I'm not happy about.

Yesterday, during my cell group fellowship, I believe Lord want to make me realize that man like entertainment and women like affection. Being me, a gay bottom, I'm kinda half on both sides, and I believe I love affection. That's why whenever I feel that he is caring others more than me, I'm emotional. Whereas his entertainment are his political stuff, his friends, his ego, and his passion to preach about God.

I remember I watched a clip on YouTube, two very huge size, chubby man celebrating their 2011 Christmas at home and one of the guy propose to the other guy. Although they doesn't look like top model or hunk, but their love is real. I don't know what is the future holds for me and I can't prophecy what is next. I can just pray that with His grace, I need not to be alone without someone physically there for me till the end of my life. I hope I can walk my life with someone I love and who love me back till the end of our journey.