Lately, I think I can't really get hold on myself. I begin to feel that I'm emotional most of the time. Probably I think I'm forget where I initially wanted the whole thing to be. Maybe I step overboard the boundary that I don't wanted to. A place where I don't hope it will be with him because I know he wouldn't feel the same.
Perhaps I have been so used to being with him all the time previously or even past 2 months. We work together in the same company, not to mention we work in the same department too. He is my immediate superior too. But that doesn't change the fact that during working time, he treats me any better than any normal staff there.
What frustrates me is that I begin to feel emotional again when he so used to be with me all the time past 2 months to be more like the other him now again. It's either he is changing too fast that I started not able to cope with the change all the time or perhaps it's me changing, thinking that I'm super important in his life.
I think I do have certain place in his life but I don't think it's the same as what I thought. I believe he can life even without me in his life tomorrow. It's not the same thing that we two do for each other.
I will be worried sick for his safety when he went for the peaceful rally last Saturday but he will just busy checking out the news of the rally and talking all about it to anyone and everyone that he came across with. Even having lunch with me, his soul creeps out of his temple. I'm having migraine also drive all the way to see him, wanting to see him for myself that he is really OK. I'm so stupid.
It's either his body is there to accompany me but his soul is not there, or he is not there for me at all. When he is with me physically, he will do his stuff and I do felt neglected spiritually and emotionally. If not that, he is just completely not there for me. This week, I think it's worst for me.
Today he is having his personal training session in his gym. Well, he always never ask me out if he has a training session at the gym. This coming Wednesday, he'll be celebrating his friend's birthday, which he used to like him. His ex-boyfriend will be there too. Kinda awkward. Anyway, the main point is I think I've to be alone again. No more movie week this week.
For him, he already spent so much time with me at work seeing me. For me, loving him is painful at times because I felt like seeing him all the time. The solution to this is not to love him as much as I'm right now. Have to set it at maximum, friendship love. I don't even felt that he is loving me as a partner anymore.
How come I felt that way? Intuition. When someone starts to feel less attracted to you, or perhaps he is fascinating of someone else, or just has sex with someone else will reject having sex with you. I think we haven't has sex for really some time. I'm giving up on the complex relationship that I can barely cope with.
Maybe I realized now that I seriously need someone that can settle our life together, and not be in a situation that I always felt insecure when I'll be the history or perhaps lose my position in his life. I felt somehow not important to him anymore other than in work related only.
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