I'm Giving Up

I have no idea why i can't take it anymore this time. I thought I can always act cool in front of Bryan and Douglas about everything in the office but then I think I can't do it anymore. Whatever it is, I think I can't stand it anymore, trying to be strong or look strong.

I can't imagine I can cry the whole journey back home today and I have nothing, not even a drop of water back home. I have no appetite to eat or drink. I just feel like everything is not right anymore. Whatever he mentioned, he promised is no longer important because he can't do it or even he forgotten about it.

Probably I have too high hope or faith in it. I love the Chinese saying, if u put too high hope on something, the greater the disappointment you will get if you don't achieve or get what you hoping. So less hope, less disappointment. Well, it's very true.

Like for example, I have nobody coming to me like Bryan, which mostly rich guys wanting to date him. I'm like rubbish at the road side, no one even wanted to have an eye on me. So having almost no hope of getting a boyfriend seems more likely happen to me. Even those who want me also those totally out of my type. I think there is no point of everything anymore.

Anyway, today we suppose to go to the gym. I really have no mood to do anything, probably because I'm emotional cause slight headache. So I decided to go back and let the two have their sweet time. I can see that Bryan still put very high hope on him. He was upset knowing that Douglas and his boyfriend have settle their problems. He seems upset about it and told me about it.

Looking at the senario, I guess I should not be in the middle of Keith, Bryan and Douglas at this time. Pain is to bear. One person's pain is better than more than one. I'm not trying to be a hero or a saint. But I believe love someone means you want him to be happy. If my existance causes so much pain to everyone, I think I should be leaving.

Which is why I left them both to be together. Bryan was thrilled that Douglas is fetching him, and that's why he didn't even think of getting into my car. He is even happier that Douglas will be fetching him back home. I admit that I'm jealous of him that having Douglas to drive him all the time. He always get to sit beside him in the car even for lunch. I don't want to fight for it. I'm too tired.

I'm planning to leave the company for good now. To be in this complicated situation is awkward yet making things more worst. I don't want to look like I'm a leech that leeching him for more benefit in the company, having him telling me that I deserve more than what HR told me that we deserve to have, wanting him to get me an iPhone, etc. I'm not an important subject in the organisation.

I should start looking for a job soon. Possible looking at insurance field again as I'm more confident in. I'm not a workaholic nor a very talented guy that can do so much to earn living good enough for myself. However life still ahead me. Till I'm no longer able to carry on, I hope Lord can take away this life of mine and let me be by His side.

A Tough Day

I think I had a tough day for myself. I think I can't take it. All the changes and all the things that will be waiting in front of me. I think I am not suitable for the job. I know he has a great expectation on me, but I seriously think that I will fail him. He has make a very big mistake to take me into his company.

I really feeling stress up working with him like this. Probably I can't face him as it is anymore after so many things happened. I felt somehow things change for me. Trying my best to separate work and personal issue with him is tough. I'm seriously having the full pressure working like this. Bryan is there makes me even feel stressful.

Bryan is a nice guy. I do envy on him having so many rich guy and cool looking guys chasing after him. Maybe not all but some, which is much more better than me as I have none. I wonder why not Douglas like him as well. I'm nothing much better. If I'm Douglas, I think I will choose a better guy than me, myself.

Anyway, after that Sunday, I actually feel hard to face with lots of stuff. Maybe nobody will understand me right now. I don't even know how to put it in words to spill it out and make myself feeling better. I only know that I felt like I can't breath anymore. It's torturing to think about it. We have no future and he will never choose me. I think maybe I'm giving up on thinking much about it anymore. I can't tolerate this feeling I'm having.

I guess the relationship we have right now is friendship and that will be doing much better for all of us. He wouldn't love me and only me. I also can't take it anymore of sharing someone I have feeling with. Maybe all this time I try to suppress it hard. I wanted to break down and scream it out loud.

Lord, if you do love me, please give me the strength. Guide me please. I can't take it anymore always acting strong and cry myself to sleep. I probably would not stay in the company for long. It does make me feel like I'm not doing much. Not that I don't want to learn or help out, but then I really having the pressure working in sales. I can't take it somehow. I'm much more on the admin type. Maybe I'm not fit in this field.

Even if Douglas wanted to hate me, ignore me, or even does not want to be friend with me, I think I wanted to write it down what I have go through is not a pleasant ride that I was thinking. I don't know that I'm this weak after exploring this. Although I know I need someone there to support me and I have none. Most likely I will be lonely for the rest of my life. So, I let God decide for me.

Never Easy

I think it's really not an easy thing to work with someone that you are close with at times. You will feel odd or bad if you ain't too happy with the things around. If you make lots of noise, it may makes things worst. Worst, you might ruin your friendship. If you say nothing and keep it in your heart, I think you will suffer yourself.

Today I meet with my old coursemates. Most of them are working, the rest still taking Master. Those who are working, all working in related fields. Either working as MLT in Tropicana Hospital, earning RM22oo basic with OT claims up to RM500~RM700 per month, or working in insurance related company, earning RM2500++ including OT.

Me, myself now working in a completely out of my field kinda job. Even the staff in my team thinks that this job ain't so suitable for me. I should be in those medically related job as they mentioned. I'm confused myself too. Did I make a wrong decision to join in from a completely different field? I'm not those sales oriented and those self driven oriented kind of people.

If I really can't take the pressure I gain working in the company, I think I will be leaving and probably search for insurance related job again. At least I know the job better that dealing with sales. Well, it's not like I hate sales job so much, just that I don't know will I able to cope and enjoy this job or not. I don't want to make it as I will be hating it or the end of the day I find it not suitable for myself.

Actually I still can't see the future advancement I can achieve in the organization till now. It's a very small organization to me if I have to compare to my previous company. Well, I can't compare. Anyway, somehow I feel like things that I was told and I imagine before I join and after I join seems different. It's not as beautiful as I can imagine. Things can be nasty. Maybe not now, but I don't have good feeling.

Somehow my intuition tells me that it maybe something so wrong might just happen. I really don't know what I should do and what I could do. I just felt that I'm so useless and my boss might be not happy seeing me always talk bad about his company. I fell so stress up.

Wonder Am I Not Suitable for This Job & Stuff

This question keeps on pop up in my mind. I'm in doubt whether I can do it or not. I mean can i cope with this job? I felt somehow I'm floating here and there. Am I just too blind to see whether I'm able to cope with this job or not? Can I really perform and climb the ladder to some good position? I wonder I can make it or not.

I don't what people say that I'm using the connection to climb the ladder or stuff. I worried that it will affect my work and the time being in the company. I don't want the awkward feeling or stuff. I just don't know how to put it in words right now. I just felt somehow it's not that right.

For example, today few of us chit chatting a little bit. Somehow we talk about the issue regarding our company benefits and stuff. They felt that my previous employment's benefit is way better than in the current company, why am I here? The pay I guess. But somehow, the benefits is not like what I have been expected. It is somehow different from what I expect when Douglas told me about it.

Althought we can claim for the toll, parking and petrol when we are required to drive to else place on out of office basis, but I found out it's very troublesome and it's totally not environmental friendly. Everything is on paper, printed. Isn't it waste of paper and cutting more tree? Can the IT personel do something about it? Our company ICT really not up to date.

Anyway, feeling bad about the benefit that we had and not having it does not change anything. I think he also can change anything much. I just feel somehow not standardize and not fair for the office staff to be treated equally with foreign workers. I don't think it's fair at all. Even HR told me that working on Saturday is to make it fair to the production team, I find it not making sense.

Imagine this, Saturday for the production team to produce stuff is OK. But then for us the office personel, what can we do there on Saturday? Nothing much as I can think of. Ain't we going green? So why are we working on Saturday which utilise more electricity and leave more carbon footprint? I find that our HR is not really helping the staff but making my life miserable somehow.

I guess if Douglas read this, he is going to kill me. I'm talking bad about his company so much. Well, some of what I mentioned here ain't merely my voice but the other as well. Maybe they don't dare to voice it out. Anyway, this is my blog afterall. I'm consider considerate as I didn't mention this on my open blog, then everyone will know about it.

Having Hard Time

Last night, after been told by Doug that everything should come to an end, it does hurt me badly. I felt like unbearable kind of pain and the feeling is so hard to be explain by words. I tried to act as cool as I could but I can't stop my tears flowing especially when I was in the car alone driving back home.

I had no idea how to face him directly in the near future as I was thinking the whole night, last night. I did managed to get some sleep anyway. But I can't recall much on what he told me about when he called me in the middle of the night. Maybe my brain is not functioning so well that time.

This morning, I went to work as per normal, clearing up my thoughts and calm down myself. Luckily I have this tendency to forget bad things that happen before I wake up every morning that's make me able to talk to him at work. I was thinking if I could not even talk to him, then I will be resigning on this week.

Amazingly I am able to communicate with him. He even told me or better say he retelling me this again. He and Keith are getting back somehow and there will be nothing much change between us. This suppose to calm me down or to cheer me up I guess for him. However, I don't know why I am still not feeling the happiness moment I shall be gaining from it.

Probably what he said yesterday do leave a very huge scar to me. He has already choosen, and that choosen ones definitely will not be me no matter what. There is no if or anything (we don't talk about turning back time or if he met with me first but other than those). I am not the choosen one no matter how.

Maybe this keep on ringing in my head makes me feel somehow there is a gap. I still need time to face him the whole thing that running in my head. To make the matter worst, the job that I was assigned is completely making me go crazy. I have no freaking idea on what am I doing.

The whole export application form for me is a huge thing. Maybe the training that I expect is somehow spoon feeding a little bit and we get to know the basic before we are let to explore ourself. It turns out to be I have to learn everything myself. I wasn't taught in any sort of training unless you ask questions.

What I am facing is that my questions is not answered. They will ask me to refer to another person. I'm having this phobia in dealing with so many people. I have sent an email (even though I have no idea what on Earth I need to ask for) and I get no responce from the production team. Asking the export team to assist me whether what I need to fill in, they asked me to confirm with Douglas, and I asked Douglas, he told me to confirm with Seri. Seri also have no idea.

I'm completely lost. What on Earth I need to fill in? What is the product are we exporting right now? What is all this? Can't they at least do one form and show it to me how they do so that I can refer to that? All I have is unresolve issues. I felt somehow not comfortable working like this. Am I too relying on some standards? I think so.

Now, this come the question whether am I suitable for this job? Can I cope with the stress I am having now of not knowing whether I can perform and am I performing? I felt like I'm doing something that I'm totally lack of knowledge about. I didn't utilise any of my knowledge that I've gained from my university, not to mention from my previous organization.

Current company doesn't have a proper organization chart. I am pretty blur with everything, everyone and every issues that I need to be resolving soon. I felt so difficult to breath now. Probably Douglas going to kill me or even scold me for being incompetent. Maybe I am not the person or employee he is looking for. He might have choosen the wrong guy into his department. I think I'm better with admin than sales. Who knows? LOL

The Last Post Regarding Him

I think this will be the last post I can write about him. Next time, I'll not write much about him. Things that come to an end means come to an end. Nothing I can do or say to change anything anymore. I don't have that power to do so. Well, this ending I should be expecting already. Just that I didn't predict that it's going to be hurting me that badly.

Probably this time, I might not be going to love someone anymore at this moment or even next time. There won't be anyone going to like or even love a geek like me. I'm tired of everything that I will be facing again if things not going to work out.

Before he told me all those stuff tonight, I think it over before. I already predicted with tarot that it's the end of what I've started. I already prepared myself for the worst scenario just that I was hoping it's not this soon. I will not putting hopes anymore as high hopes mean greater pain.

With all the preparation I had, I still unable to hold my tears well. Even though I cried before just by thinking the worst scenario that just happened, it does not help much. I know that soon he will be reading this blog, but it's no longer the same and it will never be the same again.

Even steps I take is heavy, every breath I take is painful, everytime I think of him is hurtful. Hearing him saying that he is still there for me is the most painful words I can take. What is the point of he is there but not there? It reminds me of Andy. The very first guy I mentioned before in this blog. He too, told me the same thing before.

Look at what and where is he now? He ain't here for me whenever I need him. Yes, maybe Doug is different. But ain't it the same when they say they are still there for me but physical they are not and they will not anymore there for me to shed my tear at their shoulder, to be there to cherish me when I needed someone.

I have enought of such lousy life I going through in PLU life. Lord, if you needed me to serve you right now, please do summon me back to you. All I ask for is that do bless my family, especially my mother to have the strength to live on and my sister having a great life ahead. I'm tired of everything I'm encountering now. This is the end of me.

It Aint My Day

First day in my new company, I should be thrill and I did. Woke up as usual, just 5 minutes earlier than usual as I thought it will be jam early in the morning but it turns out pretty well. I reach office before 8am.

I'm still thinking whether I can cope with all the task that will be soon be assign to me in the near future because some how, it's totally yet completely out of my field. However, I think it will be a great experience.

Only think I feel weird it that benefit that we had. I mean no offence, maybe I'm still new in working life. I felt that our benefit for the staff is pretty not up to expectation. Am I expecting too much? Because if I'll to be compare with my previous employer, then it's consider bad except for the salary.

I found it to be inconvenient to have no annual leave and medical reimbursement before confirmation. So what if I need some time off for some urgent things to be settle? Replacement? If I fall sick, I can't reimburse? Basically no entitlement of benefit before confirmation which I think not that nice. Well, the good thing is I got free parking but I've to park far end.

Anyway, today is raining, so I got a little wet before getting into my car and stuck in the jam for one and the half hours trying to get home for dinner. I was starving. To make my day worst, no electricity around my area till 9pm. I was like OMG. How worst can my day be. I hope everything goes back to normal tomorrow.