Feeling Abandoned

Have you ever feel being abandoned? I do. Thank God He didn't abandon me. But I'm still feeling being abandon by someone else. That's my boyfriend.

I don't mean that he literally abandon me or always, but occasionally. Like today, he invited a friend to church with us. Then we continue to have dinner together. However, he barely talks to me and I'm like faded off to the background.

Occasionally he turns to me to talk kit a word or two. I'm feeling like I'm disturbing them or I'm not part of the gang. Worst, I don't even feel like I'm like his boyfriend for that moment. I'm like merely a friend only.

It's not that good to feel that. Lately this is running in my head, how long will this relationship last? When I'll be past tense? When he will be married? Because he mentioned that he might one day fall in love with a lady and have a family.

This actually tears me apart. He will never understand the pain that I'm going through. My future with him is so insecure. I think he never want to plan his life with me in his future plan nor will he has me in his plan.

I've been thinking, according to pastor, we have to be real, be committed in your relationship. However, what is the point where we were so committed but we didn't include each other in our future plan? Will that part of God's plan for me?

I'm struggling to settle down my frustration and emotion about this but I'm getting no where. I've try to talk to him but we didn't go anywhere. I'm tired to confront him all the time and it's either we ignore the question or he will just tell me that he will still loves me.

Is there no true and everlasting love from a mortal beings that God ever created? Is really I won't gain peace in relationship in gay community? I might choose to live a gay life, but I didn't choose to be gay.

Despite that it's common that the gay circle usually not committed, but I see lots of good example of committed couples. People like Charles and Alwin, Anthony and Alvin, Danny and Sam, Alan and Patrick, and many more.

Lord, I love you and I know you loves me too. I know it's your special day and I did with my capability, I pledged to you an unexpected Christmas gift and I've fulfilled it. I'm just wishing that you could grant my Christmas wish, to send me my life partner and will share his life with me till the day you need me back. In Jesus name I pray, Amen..