Heaven & Hell for Christmas

It's been heaven and hell this Christmas for me. I have no idea is it bad or good for me but it's really something that not up to my expectation. Maybe I want something more and something less at the same time. It's not as simple as I can think of for myself. I do feel a little upset.

Christmas eve was great. I did hang out with Charles and some girls from Charles' university course mates. Eaten at Delicious, Jalan Tun Razak, grab some beer at Library and I did get a free membership there. Next time maybe can hang out there. It's kinda crazy that night as we ran up all the way to Quattro, Avenue K and found out that we don't like it before turning ourselves to Library, Mid Valley.

Christmas day was pretty simple. Just hang out with my sisters to have some desserts, catch up a movie (a pretty lame Chinese movie) and walk around Tropicana City Mall, which happens to be easier to get a parking space. Mid Valley, One Utama, The Curve, Ikano, Sunway Pyramid, those major large malls are hard enough to get a parking space.

As for today, it's kinda up and down. I did enjoy the potluck I had with my ballroom dance mates. We dressed up nicely despite I forgot to get a mask or Christmas hat along with me. It was fun but it ends early. I've nothing to do after that and just home alone the rest of the day.

To make my day worst, my brother wants to borrow my car again. I hate it because my car now is super dirty, especially the seats. All thanks to him. Another thing I don't like about the whole idea of him using my car is he don't pump petrol back. It's irritating but I can't do anything about it.

The rest of the days that I didn't mention, I wasn't too bad or too great. Well, I did take my family (including my aunt and cousins) hangout, e.g. Look Up Point at Ampang, walk around malls, food, etc. That's why I'm broke (inclusive or fixing my damn car air cond). I still need to buy new clothes and shoes for new year. I wonder where will get the cash to pay back my credit card debts then..

Christmas Frustration

Christmas is around the corner. I felt so sad and lonely about it. I do have my family there for me. But since Christmas is on the Saturday, there will be nothing special I can do. My family don't celebrate Christmas. So somehow, it just another lonely yet boring Christmas I'll be going through.

My friends, moat of them will be celebrating this special day with loved ones, or a bunch of friends going clubbing or even drink at some bar or coffee house. Unless I found such friend in that day to spend time with me on a coffee house, or else it just another boring year for me. But I doubt people will wanna go coffee house instead of club.

Anyway, it just a miserable Christmas month I'm having right now. I'm kinda like a Santa right now. Since my aunt from Singapore and her children had came here for vacation, which means out of hospitality, I'll need to take them around. Petrol, car park, and minor expenditure like food (not always), games, movie, etc. I'll have to bear. Well, I've allocate that I'll be spending almost RM300 to RM400 for them already. However, things always mess up with me.

My car's air cond giving me problem. I sent it to my brother workshop today to fix it. It seems to be problem with the host or something and cost me RM380. So now, I'm super broke. I'm going to use my credit card in advance. Kinda like using those money in advance and wait till my January's salary is out to pay back. I don't know whether I manage to save enough to start paying my study loan early next year or not now.

Miserable time. I'm in a bad situation right now. No one around to spend special day with, financial crisis again, lack of motivation to stand up firm to deal work related issues. I hope I'll get through this year and pray hard next year, this won't repeat again. I can't imagine how am
I going through this Chinese New Year which is in a month plus time.

Merry Frustration & Christmas

It's so frustrated lately.. Things doesn't seems to go the way I'm hoping to.. Work stress overload and yet I just felt that there is a gap between he and me.. Maybe it's my problem.. I've been thinking a lot lately.. When he is leaving for vacation, I think things will be getting more complicated for me..

Lately, I already feel that he is not spending much time with me already.. He might think that he spent lots of time with me but let's think of it, I'm not around the office for some time too.. Further more, time in the office also he is not really around there for me.. He will be busy with work or meeting..

Despite feeling lonely and frustrated with him, work load and the stress derieve from the production team, a constant issue with them makes life more miserable.. No point we work so hard or even looking forward for great sales if the back there not helping us.. Even the HK order also not yet done.. Headache..

Eventually Things Ended

On Tuesday night, Leon find me to talk. I was kinda tired with work and since I had migraine in the earlier of the day, I decided not to go out. So after some negotiation with him, finally he decided to come over to talk to me.

I was thinking that he just wanted to talk to me as in wanted to see me since we haven't seen each other for few days. I was too caring away with my own conversation about my stress from work and almost neglected him. However, I should thank him for listening to all my troubles.

Then I felt something is not so right with him as he said that he have something to talk to me. So I asked him what is the matter that running on his head. At first, he was reluctant to share as he said that I'm not having a good day so he doesn't want to spoilt it worst.

I was thinking how worst can my day be. So I insisted him to spill it out as I think how bad also, I still have him to hug for awhile. Then he popped out that question that what do we think about the relationship. I already know this day will come somehow.

Indeed I don't felt much like in relationship being together with him for a month, but at times he does do some little things that makes me happy. I had been single for hell long time, I also hope that I can find someone for myself. But if he can throw out this question to me, I think we ain't working out that good.

Since that he also think that some problem persist already, I decided to keep him as a friend better than I lose this nice person completely. I treasure all my friends. I treasure them all. Maybe I'm too much on relying on someone that makes me doesn't grow much.

I think I shall really be back myself and start to be focusing on what I had promise myself. To be with Douglas is really nice and happy moment I gain for all this while. But I can't forget that we had a promise that I shall look for someone that will want me to be his bf.

Thinking back on Leon, I was not being loyal to him when I was dating him, even thought it's just for a short period and I'm just dating him (kinda like a probation period). However, it's not myself to date someone and yet having fun with someone else at the same time. I'm being such a bad bad boy that period of time going to gay sauna and done something that I never did before, threesome and 4P.

I think it's time for me to stop all this. I felt like I'm no longer like I am use to be, innocent somehow and angel like. I mean at least not devil like. But how I look at myself, I felt like I'm doing so many bad stuff lately already. I think I need to repent for my mistakes. I don't hope my punishment is to be alone for this life. I do pray to find someone that can be with me together and walk through our life together.

Time for me to be naughty and bad had come to me and I think it should be gone. I think I shall not go to gay sauna for sex once I found someone special in my life. I think I shall not be too attach to Douglas when I have another chance to date someone good. I mean I need to let Douglas know that I'm dating that guy, I will need some time for myself.

I don't know why this kinda feeling suddenly pop up in my mind. I felt better throwing it out. Hope everything goes on smooth. Well, I wonder when only that good person will finally come to me. I pray for the angel to come to me and sent me that someone special. Amen.

I'm Frustrated with Myself

I'm pretty confused now. Lately I felt like so many changes in me and people around me. Am I not able to cope with it or is it out of my own principle some how. I'm having a date right now. I mean as in someone who really into dating me for relationship which I think I'm longing for. Somehow or rather something is not so right also.

I shall be happy but I'm not that thrill with it. Is it because I'm not loving that guy enough or I'm minding some of the stuff of being with him? Well, definitely some which I think matters to me is his dick's size. I'm not satisfy with him. But this can't change. Maybe that frustrates me about him.

Somehow he makes me feel bad as well. The more he tries to treat me well, the worst I feel. Like today, he texted me with some cheering SMS, somehow I feel sweet. But I felt bad at the same time. I did something that beyond my norm is to have threesome that day at sauna. I felt so weird.

I bet Douglas enjoying so much. Well, I already known him to be naughty. Maybe kinda playboy type. I used to accept him to be playboy, I mean knowing him have something with Bryan, knowing him having Keith as boyfriend yet still hang out with me closely. Somehow beyond normal friendship. I do feel like a mistress somehow. But thinking back on the ground, we had threesome with a complete stranger, I somehow felt bad.

Maybe I can't accept it somehow. Yes, it's exciting but I felt guilty somehow. Towards Leon, it's like I'm lying to him. Towards Douglas is that I felt like he is betraying Keith to a different level. To myself as I'm being such a bad boy. I'm frustrated that I'm not able to read myself. Am I doing a right thing?

Somehow I feel like I'm having so much sin. Much more to be a gay. Will Lord forgive my sin and him? I do feel that I love Douglas the most at this moment. But does this hurts our relationship if I'm not feeling so right to what we have being doing lately? I rather he fucks me than getting someone else touch him. I do felt like I rather threesome between Keith, him and me than Felix.

I have no idea what I'm thinking. I don't know why it just pop up in my mind I feel bad about it. Maybe Felix keeps texting us makes me feel bad. It seems Felix like Douglas a lot makes me jealous as well I guess. Perhaps Douglas likes him or chatting with him a lot makes me feels bad too. I think I'm crazy and emotional now..

What Should I Do?

I'm wondering what should I do. Lately, there are two guys trying to flirt with me and even wanted to date me. Recalling the promise, I should be going out for them and not stopping myself from getting in love if I have the chance. I'm wondering what is Douglas thought for this. Will he be hoping that I'll have a good relationship with one of them if they are good?

Well, I'm considering one of them. The other one I'm kinda not care most because he is a smoker. It's hard for me to even think to be with such person for long term relationship. Whereas this guy is much better. I know him through my friend. My friend's friend hard sell him a lot. Even my friend or my godbrother. LoL.

I'm wondering whether should I be trying out with this guy. Will it affect my friendship with Douglas? I know Douglas care me a lot. I'm worry he will not care me as friend anymore if I'm dating with this guy.

Well, if I'm really dating this guy, then there will be some changes my life. I might need to spent some time with him. It might be no so appropriate on certain things that we used to do always. Will Douglas still treat me good as always? Will it affect me at work?

I'm so confused at this moment and I hope I can get the answer. Douglas has been my angel and guided me a lot through my troubles and down time. He will always be my angel and guiding star. I don't want to lose this bestest friend I ever had. Should I take this chance to date a new guy? Chances not always in front of me if compare to Bryan. Lord, please guide me through this matter. Amen..

I'm Fasting Today

Well, I'm not actually fasting but just don't feel like going out. Sherman did ask me to go out for lunch but I'm no longer feeling hungry although I'm feeling like eating something. Maybe my hunger is over after the meeting. I can actual hear my stomach making all sort of noise in the meeting room earlier.

Then when Jia Yee going for lunch, I felt like blotted somehow. Maybe I ate some chocolate after coming out from the meeting room. Then chatted with Bryan a little bit. I don't know why I felt a little bit emotional, perhaps I'm not feeling so well. A little headache. Maybe I didn't sleep well last night.

I was thinking to get some take away food from McDonald's or perhaps even eat at PappaRich. At least it's air-conditioned so I wouldn't melt and getting more emotional. However, I lost the feeling of driving out for lunch. Thinking of there are chocolates and biscuit that Douglas given me, I just feel like staying indoor and save money.

It simply means now, I'm fasting for lunch. Maybe that can save me some cash. LoL. Anyway, I'm thinking to spent short time wig him to celebrate his birthday inadvance since he will not be free on his actual birthday. But I have to leave early and can't really be there for him for a longe rperiod of time. I'm thinking to skip RPM if we could. If cant then only I'll decide what to do next.

Anyway, since he reads my blog kind of often, I'll take this chance to wish him happy birthday. May you have a bless birthday and all your dreams come true. Hope the department runs smooth and business will be good so that all our troubles will be gone.

I Felt Lost..

I'm not sure myself why am I feeling so lost.. Possible after what I've experience yesterday, I'm feeling that I'm not firm enough to even make someone listen to me.. Or perhaps I'm having this problem myself only. Perhaps I'm being anal or small little thing.

Just a week he is here, I'm feeling like I have no stabbed in the department soon if hat is how an intern going to treat me. Well, I'm cool with him having his own idea and own set of thinking but not that bitchy to me at least. I think I miss the time we are with Bryan. At least he will not make me feel like he is trying to be an asshole.. Oops.. I'm being bad to use such a word..

I'm trying to save the ink for the company stamp but he is stamping it here and there. I've told him not to but he never listen to me. Douglas asked me to boss him around, I don't even think that will be possible. He is so smart that only do what that Douglas or Shaun asks him to do but me. Ive to drag or beg him for it.

The worst is that an intern order me to get him water or fill up his bottle. Not even Bryan did that to me. Bryan only at times ask me to help him when I'm going to the pantry, not ordering me. If like he falls ill, I don't mind offer him to fill up his bottle but not he as an intern ordering from me. He even just pass the sales order to Shaun thinking that he is going to production, whereas I think Shaun is just being nice to show him to the respective person to hand the document to.

Maybe I'm prejudise to him, but he done so far didn't make me feel I'm wrong about him. He is really smart, but somehow, I'm not going along too well with his guy. If this is how he is going to treat me for the whole term of him in the company, I don't know how should I cope with him.

I still can picture how he looks like when he ordered me to fill up his bottle telling that he has stuff to do. As if I don't have any. Then Douglas asked him to get hit water for his green tea, he when for it. I asked him to help to fill mine along since he is going to pantry, he just ignore me. I just I'm losing my place.

It was my childish thought for a moment that I wanted to resign if this intern is climbing over my head already even just a week he is here.. But that doesn't solve my problem. Anyway, he doesn't worth for me to lose a job. I think I have to be fake with him, pretending nothing gies wrong and bare all the irritation.

New Intern

New intern come in today. Well, he is a very fast learner and yet possible he is very talented in many ways. I guess he will have a bright future in the field he is currently in, which is business or business related, such as marketing or sales.

Somehow, I feel glad that Douglas have someone which might be capable enough to help him in many ways in the department. His English is good. Speaking wise, he is fluent in many dialects as well. Having someone that have multitasking ability is good.

However, this makes me feel like I'm no longer that important in the department. Basically, I'm like nothing can be compete with an intern. Am I embarrass of myself? Am I even competent at all in the company? I feel like I can be replace anytime soon.

I don't know whether is it only me being sensative or prejudise or whatever you can name it, I felt not secure or comfortable with the new guy. Maybe it's a shock to me, or I'm afraid that he is much better than me, I don't seems having chance or purpose to be in the company anymore. Maybe I'm worried I'll be replace by him in near future.

Even throw out my fear, perhaps my prejudise towards him, I just felt that I will need to be careful with him. I just have the intuition that I wouldn't be too safe with this guy compare to Bryan. At least Bryan is direct and he is still nice person after all. Maybe this new guy is good too but I'm just being a jerk, thinking bad about him.

Financial Crisis

This month, thanks to my godfather, I'm having such an unpredictable financial crisis. I'm thinking how am I going to forge out RM1000.00 just like that without affecting the rest on the days ahead of me. After forging out the sum, and with addition to the sum that I'll be borrowing from my aunt, it enough to pay for my car fixation only. How about me getting the rest taken care off?

I was thinking to buy myself a pair of slack for work purpose, some undies since I'm lacking of it, and some other stuff this mega sale. I think I'll not able to get any of it. I felt like everything is out of place of all the plans I've set for myself this month thanks to that fella.

Even though my salary is coming out soon, but then I'll have to use it to pay off my car road tax and insurances. It simply means that I'll have no money to spent for the month of August, October and November.

I think my final resort will be fasting for that 3 months. I'm terribly stress up right now. Wanted to cry out loud. Wanted someone to hug me tight and just let me cry. I'm bleeding in and out. Inside of the pain and stress I'll be going through this period and out for the money that I'll bleed out.

Now, I don't know whether I can afford to go for Bryan's farewell and Rain's birthday celebration. I'm worried that I wouldn't have enough cash to maintain myself for next coming month. I'll need to find a way to get more money in order to pay back my aunt and to take care of my loans such as car loan, study loans, insurances, fitness first, etc.

I'm dying inside now. No strength to think about it anymore. Headache hitting back such early tuis morning. I think it's no a good sign anymore. Feel like crap now. Hopefully I can control my emotion today and not shed my tears. Try to act cool, Terence..

I'm Not That Happy With Work

Can I be happy a work? Well, he is my boss afterall. I can't be mad at him for long. It's my fault too. He is right. I'm lack of confident in me. Hiring me as an executive should be having certain amount of confident and quality to execute certain things or task given to me by him. I'm suppose to help him solve matters and not making him sorting it out for me.

However, am I capable of such manner? I didn't ask for this executive position. I'm not even sure I'm capable of doing such job in the first place. Today for instance, he sounded me indirectly of not being confident enough to make a decision myself and asking too much questions. I asked him too many times for the same question. Does he feels annoyed by me already?

Maybe I'm incompetent against JY or even Sherman. Possible I'm worst than Bryan. I'm doubting my existence in the company. Am I really that good enough for the department like he said if I'm lack of the very important thing in this industry which is confident?

I'm not feeling that well due to migraine hit back and my leg hurts since I accidentally injured it yesterday from my dance class. I didn't say anything doesn't mean I don't want him to care. Well, he didn't notice it. Forget it. Maybe I'm just being a baby now, wanting someone to pamper me at least.

I thank him for making some magic trick last night to cheer me up since I'm having headache. He did take some time to accompany for dinner. I appreciate that. But can I secure the position and the job here in the company? Can I even dream of getting promoted like what he used to told me that I have the potetial to be promoted? I'm started to feel I'm not so possible to be promotd or even able to secure the job here with my incompetency.

Anyway, I'm feeling better crying out in the washroom silently. I shouldn't say it's a cry become it just my tear drops a little. Maybe it's my headache and leg pain makes me shed tears. I can't read his mind at times. Are we having some gap after we work together or it's my problem only? I'm just too tired to think of anything now. I might need a good rest today.

I Felt Like An Idiot

I felt like I'm such an idiot. I having diarrhoea last night till today early morning as in till 3.30am. I think the diarrhoea stopped but my stomach still making funny feeling like having tornado inside of me. However I still drive all the way to my office and thinking to work. Well, taking MC is an option but I'm kind of broke lately. I think I want to save some cash for now. I don't want to owe Douglas so much which makes me even more frustrated.

Lately, I'm like a bitch. I think I'm like having some sex drive. Probably
I'm just horny since I didn't have a good sex life for so long. Not to mention that I don't have a boyfriend at all for now. I felt bitchy when I'm horny. At times I'm thinking of having random sex just to kill that drive. But is that all I want?

Writing blog during working hour is bad I know but I can't wait till tonight to blog it. Douglas will most probably not seeing this blog till kind of late. Probably tomorrow or even later. Somehow I feel like crap. Maybe I'm horny and longing for it yet I get nothing. No boyfriend yet stuck with my lousy life. I'm having hard time managing myself. Guys coming to me it's either they are too old or they are black or there must be something really annoying about him. Or else, I have none. Somehow I envy Bryan can attract so many of them.

Well, Bryan still have his youth, not like me. For a 24 year old bottom, it's like you will not be getting anyone to be interested with you because you are not compatible compare with the younger and cuter or hotter guys out there.

I'm frustrated with myself when I'm in need. I have no idea what I want to do. Casual sex just to kill lust? Find a decent boyfriend before even talking about sex? I'm sucks right now. Maybe lack of sleep makes me emotional and think of such stupid things.

I'm Giving Up

I have no idea why i can't take it anymore this time. I thought I can always act cool in front of Bryan and Douglas about everything in the office but then I think I can't do it anymore. Whatever it is, I think I can't stand it anymore, trying to be strong or look strong.

I can't imagine I can cry the whole journey back home today and I have nothing, not even a drop of water back home. I have no appetite to eat or drink. I just feel like everything is not right anymore. Whatever he mentioned, he promised is no longer important because he can't do it or even he forgotten about it.

Probably I have too high hope or faith in it. I love the Chinese saying, if u put too high hope on something, the greater the disappointment you will get if you don't achieve or get what you hoping. So less hope, less disappointment. Well, it's very true.

Like for example, I have nobody coming to me like Bryan, which mostly rich guys wanting to date him. I'm like rubbish at the road side, no one even wanted to have an eye on me. So having almost no hope of getting a boyfriend seems more likely happen to me. Even those who want me also those totally out of my type. I think there is no point of everything anymore.

Anyway, today we suppose to go to the gym. I really have no mood to do anything, probably because I'm emotional cause slight headache. So I decided to go back and let the two have their sweet time. I can see that Bryan still put very high hope on him. He was upset knowing that Douglas and his boyfriend have settle their problems. He seems upset about it and told me about it.

Looking at the senario, I guess I should not be in the middle of Keith, Bryan and Douglas at this time. Pain is to bear. One person's pain is better than more than one. I'm not trying to be a hero or a saint. But I believe love someone means you want him to be happy. If my existance causes so much pain to everyone, I think I should be leaving.

Which is why I left them both to be together. Bryan was thrilled that Douglas is fetching him, and that's why he didn't even think of getting into my car. He is even happier that Douglas will be fetching him back home. I admit that I'm jealous of him that having Douglas to drive him all the time. He always get to sit beside him in the car even for lunch. I don't want to fight for it. I'm too tired.

I'm planning to leave the company for good now. To be in this complicated situation is awkward yet making things more worst. I don't want to look like I'm a leech that leeching him for more benefit in the company, having him telling me that I deserve more than what HR told me that we deserve to have, wanting him to get me an iPhone, etc. I'm not an important subject in the organisation.

I should start looking for a job soon. Possible looking at insurance field again as I'm more confident in. I'm not a workaholic nor a very talented guy that can do so much to earn living good enough for myself. However life still ahead me. Till I'm no longer able to carry on, I hope Lord can take away this life of mine and let me be by His side.

A Tough Day

I think I had a tough day for myself. I think I can't take it. All the changes and all the things that will be waiting in front of me. I think I am not suitable for the job. I know he has a great expectation on me, but I seriously think that I will fail him. He has make a very big mistake to take me into his company.

I really feeling stress up working with him like this. Probably I can't face him as it is anymore after so many things happened. I felt somehow things change for me. Trying my best to separate work and personal issue with him is tough. I'm seriously having the full pressure working like this. Bryan is there makes me even feel stressful.

Bryan is a nice guy. I do envy on him having so many rich guy and cool looking guys chasing after him. Maybe not all but some, which is much more better than me as I have none. I wonder why not Douglas like him as well. I'm nothing much better. If I'm Douglas, I think I will choose a better guy than me, myself.

Anyway, after that Sunday, I actually feel hard to face with lots of stuff. Maybe nobody will understand me right now. I don't even know how to put it in words to spill it out and make myself feeling better. I only know that I felt like I can't breath anymore. It's torturing to think about it. We have no future and he will never choose me. I think maybe I'm giving up on thinking much about it anymore. I can't tolerate this feeling I'm having.

I guess the relationship we have right now is friendship and that will be doing much better for all of us. He wouldn't love me and only me. I also can't take it anymore of sharing someone I have feeling with. Maybe all this time I try to suppress it hard. I wanted to break down and scream it out loud.

Lord, if you do love me, please give me the strength. Guide me please. I can't take it anymore always acting strong and cry myself to sleep. I probably would not stay in the company for long. It does make me feel like I'm not doing much. Not that I don't want to learn or help out, but then I really having the pressure working in sales. I can't take it somehow. I'm much more on the admin type. Maybe I'm not fit in this field.

Even if Douglas wanted to hate me, ignore me, or even does not want to be friend with me, I think I wanted to write it down what I have go through is not a pleasant ride that I was thinking. I don't know that I'm this weak after exploring this. Although I know I need someone there to support me and I have none. Most likely I will be lonely for the rest of my life. So, I let God decide for me.

Never Easy

I think it's really not an easy thing to work with someone that you are close with at times. You will feel odd or bad if you ain't too happy with the things around. If you make lots of noise, it may makes things worst. Worst, you might ruin your friendship. If you say nothing and keep it in your heart, I think you will suffer yourself.

Today I meet with my old coursemates. Most of them are working, the rest still taking Master. Those who are working, all working in related fields. Either working as MLT in Tropicana Hospital, earning RM22oo basic with OT claims up to RM500~RM700 per month, or working in insurance related company, earning RM2500++ including OT.

Me, myself now working in a completely out of my field kinda job. Even the staff in my team thinks that this job ain't so suitable for me. I should be in those medically related job as they mentioned. I'm confused myself too. Did I make a wrong decision to join in from a completely different field? I'm not those sales oriented and those self driven oriented kind of people.

If I really can't take the pressure I gain working in the company, I think I will be leaving and probably search for insurance related job again. At least I know the job better that dealing with sales. Well, it's not like I hate sales job so much, just that I don't know will I able to cope and enjoy this job or not. I don't want to make it as I will be hating it or the end of the day I find it not suitable for myself.

Actually I still can't see the future advancement I can achieve in the organization till now. It's a very small organization to me if I have to compare to my previous company. Well, I can't compare. Anyway, somehow I feel like things that I was told and I imagine before I join and after I join seems different. It's not as beautiful as I can imagine. Things can be nasty. Maybe not now, but I don't have good feeling.

Somehow my intuition tells me that it maybe something so wrong might just happen. I really don't know what I should do and what I could do. I just felt that I'm so useless and my boss might be not happy seeing me always talk bad about his company. I fell so stress up.

Wonder Am I Not Suitable for This Job & Stuff

This question keeps on pop up in my mind. I'm in doubt whether I can do it or not. I mean can i cope with this job? I felt somehow I'm floating here and there. Am I just too blind to see whether I'm able to cope with this job or not? Can I really perform and climb the ladder to some good position? I wonder I can make it or not.

I don't what people say that I'm using the connection to climb the ladder or stuff. I worried that it will affect my work and the time being in the company. I don't want the awkward feeling or stuff. I just don't know how to put it in words right now. I just felt somehow it's not that right.

For example, today few of us chit chatting a little bit. Somehow we talk about the issue regarding our company benefits and stuff. They felt that my previous employment's benefit is way better than in the current company, why am I here? The pay I guess. But somehow, the benefits is not like what I have been expected. It is somehow different from what I expect when Douglas told me about it.

Althought we can claim for the toll, parking and petrol when we are required to drive to else place on out of office basis, but I found out it's very troublesome and it's totally not environmental friendly. Everything is on paper, printed. Isn't it waste of paper and cutting more tree? Can the IT personel do something about it? Our company ICT really not up to date.

Anyway, feeling bad about the benefit that we had and not having it does not change anything. I think he also can change anything much. I just feel somehow not standardize and not fair for the office staff to be treated equally with foreign workers. I don't think it's fair at all. Even HR told me that working on Saturday is to make it fair to the production team, I find it not making sense.

Imagine this, Saturday for the production team to produce stuff is OK. But then for us the office personel, what can we do there on Saturday? Nothing much as I can think of. Ain't we going green? So why are we working on Saturday which utilise more electricity and leave more carbon footprint? I find that our HR is not really helping the staff but making my life miserable somehow.

I guess if Douglas read this, he is going to kill me. I'm talking bad about his company so much. Well, some of what I mentioned here ain't merely my voice but the other as well. Maybe they don't dare to voice it out. Anyway, this is my blog afterall. I'm consider considerate as I didn't mention this on my open blog, then everyone will know about it.

Having Hard Time

Last night, after been told by Doug that everything should come to an end, it does hurt me badly. I felt like unbearable kind of pain and the feeling is so hard to be explain by words. I tried to act as cool as I could but I can't stop my tears flowing especially when I was in the car alone driving back home.

I had no idea how to face him directly in the near future as I was thinking the whole night, last night. I did managed to get some sleep anyway. But I can't recall much on what he told me about when he called me in the middle of the night. Maybe my brain is not functioning so well that time.

This morning, I went to work as per normal, clearing up my thoughts and calm down myself. Luckily I have this tendency to forget bad things that happen before I wake up every morning that's make me able to talk to him at work. I was thinking if I could not even talk to him, then I will be resigning on this week.

Amazingly I am able to communicate with him. He even told me or better say he retelling me this again. He and Keith are getting back somehow and there will be nothing much change between us. This suppose to calm me down or to cheer me up I guess for him. However, I don't know why I am still not feeling the happiness moment I shall be gaining from it.

Probably what he said yesterday do leave a very huge scar to me. He has already choosen, and that choosen ones definitely will not be me no matter what. There is no if or anything (we don't talk about turning back time or if he met with me first but other than those). I am not the choosen one no matter how.

Maybe this keep on ringing in my head makes me feel somehow there is a gap. I still need time to face him the whole thing that running in my head. To make the matter worst, the job that I was assigned is completely making me go crazy. I have no freaking idea on what am I doing.

The whole export application form for me is a huge thing. Maybe the training that I expect is somehow spoon feeding a little bit and we get to know the basic before we are let to explore ourself. It turns out to be I have to learn everything myself. I wasn't taught in any sort of training unless you ask questions.

What I am facing is that my questions is not answered. They will ask me to refer to another person. I'm having this phobia in dealing with so many people. I have sent an email (even though I have no idea what on Earth I need to ask for) and I get no responce from the production team. Asking the export team to assist me whether what I need to fill in, they asked me to confirm with Douglas, and I asked Douglas, he told me to confirm with Seri. Seri also have no idea.

I'm completely lost. What on Earth I need to fill in? What is the product are we exporting right now? What is all this? Can't they at least do one form and show it to me how they do so that I can refer to that? All I have is unresolve issues. I felt somehow not comfortable working like this. Am I too relying on some standards? I think so.

Now, this come the question whether am I suitable for this job? Can I cope with the stress I am having now of not knowing whether I can perform and am I performing? I felt like I'm doing something that I'm totally lack of knowledge about. I didn't utilise any of my knowledge that I've gained from my university, not to mention from my previous organization.

Current company doesn't have a proper organization chart. I am pretty blur with everything, everyone and every issues that I need to be resolving soon. I felt so difficult to breath now. Probably Douglas going to kill me or even scold me for being incompetent. Maybe I am not the person or employee he is looking for. He might have choosen the wrong guy into his department. I think I'm better with admin than sales. Who knows? LOL

The Last Post Regarding Him

I think this will be the last post I can write about him. Next time, I'll not write much about him. Things that come to an end means come to an end. Nothing I can do or say to change anything anymore. I don't have that power to do so. Well, this ending I should be expecting already. Just that I didn't predict that it's going to be hurting me that badly.

Probably this time, I might not be going to love someone anymore at this moment or even next time. There won't be anyone going to like or even love a geek like me. I'm tired of everything that I will be facing again if things not going to work out.

Before he told me all those stuff tonight, I think it over before. I already predicted with tarot that it's the end of what I've started. I already prepared myself for the worst scenario just that I was hoping it's not this soon. I will not putting hopes anymore as high hopes mean greater pain.

With all the preparation I had, I still unable to hold my tears well. Even though I cried before just by thinking the worst scenario that just happened, it does not help much. I know that soon he will be reading this blog, but it's no longer the same and it will never be the same again.

Even steps I take is heavy, every breath I take is painful, everytime I think of him is hurtful. Hearing him saying that he is still there for me is the most painful words I can take. What is the point of he is there but not there? It reminds me of Andy. The very first guy I mentioned before in this blog. He too, told me the same thing before.

Look at what and where is he now? He ain't here for me whenever I need him. Yes, maybe Doug is different. But ain't it the same when they say they are still there for me but physical they are not and they will not anymore there for me to shed my tear at their shoulder, to be there to cherish me when I needed someone.

I have enought of such lousy life I going through in PLU life. Lord, if you needed me to serve you right now, please do summon me back to you. All I ask for is that do bless my family, especially my mother to have the strength to live on and my sister having a great life ahead. I'm tired of everything I'm encountering now. This is the end of me.

It Aint My Day

First day in my new company, I should be thrill and I did. Woke up as usual, just 5 minutes earlier than usual as I thought it will be jam early in the morning but it turns out pretty well. I reach office before 8am.

I'm still thinking whether I can cope with all the task that will be soon be assign to me in the near future because some how, it's totally yet completely out of my field. However, I think it will be a great experience.

Only think I feel weird it that benefit that we had. I mean no offence, maybe I'm still new in working life. I felt that our benefit for the staff is pretty not up to expectation. Am I expecting too much? Because if I'll to be compare with my previous employer, then it's consider bad except for the salary.

I found it to be inconvenient to have no annual leave and medical reimbursement before confirmation. So what if I need some time off for some urgent things to be settle? Replacement? If I fall sick, I can't reimburse? Basically no entitlement of benefit before confirmation which I think not that nice. Well, the good thing is I got free parking but I've to park far end.

Anyway, today is raining, so I got a little wet before getting into my car and stuck in the jam for one and the half hours trying to get home for dinner. I was starving. To make my day worst, no electricity around my area till 9pm. I was like OMG. How worst can my day be. I hope everything goes back to normal tomorrow.

It's All My Fault

Although this phrase Wayne used it to me quite often, but I think I can finally really use this words to describe myself and my feeling right now. Everything that I've done so far is a big mistake. If I hide my feeling well enough in the first place, not getting drunk and unable to control myself and kissed him, everything might different right now.

I might not be tangling with Doug for so long because everything will not be started. If I can let go in the first place after realizing what we did were wrong, I might not cause such a havoc now. I started to hate myself. I don't know how to face Doug and Keith at the same time. I'm thinking that how am I suppose to face them from now onwards.

I can't imagine what am I suppose to do now. I'll be joining his company this coming Thursday. Thinking of such event makes me feel like I'm a totally idiot and I'm like a bitch. It's absolutely a very bad timing for all this to happen. I'm totally lost right now. I bet Keith must be hating me to the maximum right now.

I don't even know how am I suppose to do. I think I'll not be able to join the Saturday group anymore. Most of them are Doud's and his boyfriend's friends. I'll be totally kick out or even been talk bad about from now on. I guess I'll be a guy that blacklisted from everything.

I felt I'm the worst guy ever in the planet living and walking on the surface of the Earth. How can I make such a worst scenario for him and me to be in. I'm such a bastard. I'm totally a bitch. A freaking, bloody idiotic bitch that selfish enough to hurt so many people including myself right now.

Should I try to avoid him a little bit from now onwards? Maybe less meeting him up will be better? Maybe he can make it up back with him and I won't feel that guilty at least? How about try to stop myself thinking much about him? Should I do all that or just remain as normal? I'm so blur right now and hating myself. I'm sucks.

No wonder no guys really likes me. The reason why till now I still have no boyfriend and can't get one because I'm suck. I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm selfish and demanding, I'm a total failure. Maybe that is the punishment I have since that I'm a bitch. Lets wet some pillows and get over it. Just pray that he will be fine. I think I can't ask much more from now.

A Crazy Day

It's been really something today. I went with my colleagues for a picnic trip at waterfall today. We meet up for breakfast before car ranch up there together. I was a nice and tiring trip but I'm glad that I managed to organised it and make it a success one. Hopefully everyone does enjoy the trip.

Due to the rain at later in the noon, we have to get pack and leave earlier than expected without even finishing all the food and snacks that we brought along with us for the trip. Anyway, I will be bringing those extra snack back on next week for all of them to enjoy in the office.

After the whole trip, I'm almost half dead because been driving all around. However, my colleagues asked me to hang out, just window shopping and have dinner together. Since my mother not at home for dinner with me, mind as well I eat with them. So I let them bath at my house and get to the mall.

After dinner, Charles called me up for a movie. Ended up catching up a movie at Puchong. Now, I'm like totally dead. I think I really need to rest and gain back my strength for tomorrow if I want to be there for my dance class. Charles has asked me for it already.

I was thinking that could I pre-occupied Doug to catch a movie with me? I mean a movie that yet to be screen. I'm thinking to watch The Socceror's Apprentice. I wonder will he spares his time and watch this movie with me or he unable to, because he will need to watch it with someone else.

I Feel So Lonely Now

Feeling lonely is not a strange thing to me. But at times it does makes my day suck. I hate being possessive over something or someone, but the feeling in me just never subside. Thinking that Doug will be meeting up his friends and his boyfriend tomorrow, and being unable to spend more time with me does make me feel lonely a little bit. Probably I can feel it even now. LOL.

Furthermore, Wayne will be going to Sunway with his HK friend. Although he did asked me to join him tomorrow, but thinking of going to Sunway after my gym is killing. The jam and the parking is definitely make my life difficult. I think I will have to be back home and rot till the time I will need to drive my mother back to my grandma's place.

I just feel so down. Unexplainable feeling that is killing me inside slowly. Too many things happened. Unexpected things and stuff, like my superior is leaving the company too. The worst thing is that he tendered later than me but leaving much more earlier than me. I feel like I'm so lost with what I want in life. My love life sucks, my work like sucks at the moment, myself suck.

Love Game

I guess it's either my life if curse after the relationship with Bryan or my life meant to be that complicated. I started to feel like I'm having a very complex love life for now. After breaking up with Bryan, my friend, Kelvin who is a bottom wanted to date me. I ended up trying it since I don't know how to reject him that time. At last I did reject after 2 dates. LOL.

After him, Max dated me for 3 weeks and told me that he thinks that he is a straight guy. I asked him to be himself and I stop dating him anymore and now he finally accepted himself as a gay guy and having a boyfriend already. Probably he is a bottom too, that's why make such a lousy excuses to stop dating me.

Then comes some stupid poeple such as Andy, that wanted to date but doesn't want to date me at the same time. I barely understand him. Noel, an old looking guy with big belly and half bald wanted to be my boyfriend. I guess I need not to say a thing everyone should know I can't accept it of course. Same goes to Winson, a guy from Sarawak who work in Petronas, who is already 42 this year with some muscle dysthrophy of his both legs. I think he just desperate for a lover that's why he wanted me. Micheal is another guy from Ipoh who wants to get me laid and that's it.

So, it seems that there is nobody really wants to be my lover, accept for Noel and Winson who are both old looking (look like my father) and having some qualities that I can't accept them as boyfriend. Till I meet Douglas, there is some changes in my life. I never thought that I could accept to be a third party people in my life. I do feel suffocating at times seeing or thinking where am I standing every now and then.

For instead, he is now with his boyfriend at Beijing. Seriously, I'm super jealous actually but I still remain cool (or probably I just act to be cool) and I didn't make a fuss about it because I know my stand. Charles said before, I chooses him, this path of becoming a third party (or mistress like what he said in Cantonese) is not an easy way but as long as I'm happy, then it's ok.

Thinking of that, what am I to Douglas? I know he loves me because he really did told me about it. He did give me a great birthday and I can feel his love to me. However, somehow it shows to me that I will never ever be his boyfriend. We even have an agreement that if there is someone who approach me and willing to be my boyfriend as I can own to myself, we will stop our relationship and back to friendship. Meanwhile he will still loves me as a lover I guess.

Then this early of the year, comes Eliel who wanted to be my boyfriend and that time, I almost thinking that if Eliel is the right guy, I will be losing Douglas who at that time I love him the most compare to Eliel. Well, I don't love Eliel that time, not even now but might have some feel. Anyway, after some dates, I found out that he is not the right person as he is not being very nice to me. Worst, after one arguement, he stopped approaching me already. That's the end of the story of Eliel.

Now, while Douglas is not around with me (since he is in Beijing with his boyfriend), I get to know Wayne through Charles. Charles thought that Wayne wanted to approach me so he did make some chances for us. Hewas not wrong. Wayne really do likes me and he did approach me. However, my life is curse I think. It seems like Charles said before, I might meant to be the 'mistress' kind of guy. Wayne already has a boyfriend, who is a doctor, olde than him 4 years. It's just because both of them are top which makes him started to want a bottom boyfriend.

Wayne is taller than me and having cute looking features in his 30's, a guy which I think I would be attracted to. Anyway, I guess I can't this time. He used to be a fat boy, but he keeps on going to the gym and work out to burn all the fat and now, he really look somehow cute, but no muscle mass to be seen. LOL. For him, he thinks that his boyfriend loves him as he dates him even when he is fat that time and they still carry on till now for a year and the half. He wanted both of us, but not letting each other knowing each other existance.

I felt somehow hurt in this process. I wanted to tell Douglas about it. I did tell Wayne that I'm already in such third party situation. I need not to jump from one third party relationship to another. I can't take it. However, he said he don't mind if I'm into open relationship with him. I felt such confussion right now. Accepting Wayne makes me feel jeopardizing my relationship with Douglas and I can't accomodate 2 guys at once at a time.

If I have to choose between both of them, I think I would choose back Douglas. Since the situation is harsh for me as both also I will be the third party, why don't I choose a person that I have been with so long and I'm much more secure being with than a new guy. Anyway, this new guy always call me and tells me that he misses me makes me feel like as if he is missing me all the time. Well, he is more on showing he loves me kinda guy compare to Douglas but since the situation is not I can handle myself, I rather stay the same for the moment. Hopefully I can talk to Douglas about this soon.

My Feeling is Just Like Inside The Washing Machine

Lately, too many stuff happening around me. Many involve with emotional issues. I doubt if there are more to come and will I able to cope with all that. As I can see, I'm a very well emotional guy and I'm the people kind of guy (just like what my senior said when she gave us a piece of advise during the meeting), I know I will get affected definitely.

Yesterday, my colleague, Li Teng just left our company. After the lunch, we had a meeting and we were announced that my senior, who is the one that I am tag to since I join this company is leaving for a better offer in another company. I do get the shock of her leaving so soon and yet so short notice. Well, that company is willing to pay to get her to work with them as soon as possible. I'm happy for her having a better opportunity and I do think that we all will definitely miss her. I just didn't expect she will be leaving before me even thought I do felt that she is leaving too.

Soon, after my senior, Ruth is gone, Nesa will be going off 2 days before I'm leaving my company. There will be new blood coming into our company soon. I heard from my manager, there will be 3 new recruits. However, thinking of the freshies, they will have no authority to approve any amount of claims in the early 2 months or so. It will be really hectic to the rest of us (of probably a month for me since I'm leaving for good too soon).

I can't imagine our company, or perhaps just my team right now can have so much changes in just a week time. Of course if you take a look in this past few months, there are many changes. However, the changes for now is much more emotional, more intense for me. All I can think of right now is to stay focus for this one month and one week before I start to settle myself into new company effectively on July. Lord, please give me strength to keep on moving forward.

Well, saying that my feeling is like inside the washing machine is really true. I mean try to look at it, from the day I join this company, after 3 months, my course mate who works with me in the same team and company is leaving the company. Then, my colleague, Sathya leaves, followed by Pei Sim, Wei Qi, Ik Meng, Shall and Li Teng. Soon, my senior Ruth is leaving too. emotional wise, some because really best friends and makes you feel so bad to leave.

Although thinking that in the new company I can see him more, but I doubt so it will be the way. He might not be in the office at times or I will be assigned to some location, etc. So working in the new company might not really gain me more opportunity to see him too. I worry that it will get even less if the workload in his company is mountain high for me to handle. I do many times worry about it and doubt my own ability to really perform in sales industry.

That's so much about work life. Personally, I think doesn't makes me better. This weekend and even next weekends including the weekday next week, he will not be in KL. I will be pretty lonely this one week plus. I have no idea what to do to occupy my time. For today instead, I did hang out with my colleagues at Pavilion's to have a lunch with my senior, treating her for all her help and guidance throughout working in my company.

Tomorrow, I will be going for ballroom dancing as usual in the morning. However, from noon onwards, I might be bored to death. I did ask Charles for movie but I think he can't make it. I can't think of much other friends to hang out with. Weekday will be normal for me, just go to work and back to to rest. Just unable to see him.

The upcoming weekend will be the worst one. Friday will be Wesak Day, and it's a public holiday. So I will be having 3 rest days. What should I be doing? Home alone again? On Saturday might not be that worst as I need to fetch my mother and sister to visit my grandma. Probably dine with them on that day. What concern me are Friday and Sunday. There ain't much I can do. I think till then I might have something to be busy with.

All I know is that when he is not around, it's really hard for me. My life is so dead without him. I'm missing him now. I wonder what is he doing there? At this late hour, is he shopping around or sight seeing? However, I try not to think so much on that. I don't want to get jealous and feeling bad about it. I just hope that he enjoys his trip.

It's Like a Diary

Lately, I'm thinking that am I treating this blog as my diary. Maybe I do not keep a physical diary since Form 6, it's no longer a common practise for me to write a diary. I get use to blogging and share everything with others. Now, I tend to blog all about my feelings or things which I feel more private for myself here. I think maybe since this blog not publicly known by my friends makes me feel this is not a bad place to throw out what is in my mind or heart. LOL.

Anyway, it's not like a big issue about treating this blog as diary or not. It still remains the same as a medium for me to voice out my heart and to ease my frustration at all times. LOL. Seriously, I think I have plenty of things to write if I wanted to. But thinking of it, it seems like I'm writing an essay if I blog too much.

My mind right now is full of him. I just don't get it. Is it because I'm missing him badly now, or maybe because he is going for vacation for more than a week makes me feel like I'm going to miss him soon, which makes me wanting to see him more before he is leaving or any other factors. Is it because of the new job that I'm offered for? Anxious to see him more next time? I wonder all those possibilities.

Right now, I started to be worried of the new job I will be working soon. Will I able to cope with the working environment? Will I be able to take the stress? Am I capable to work in sales and marketing department which is not my field at all? Am I too daring to try something that I never think of? Will I succeed in the company in 3~5 years time? Will the take me as confirm staff after 6 months of probation? All these questions are bothering me.

I do at times feel how great if he can spare a night with me, just cuddling with me the whole night to give me the strength to work harder for tomorrow. Thinking of that, it strikes me today where a guy that I think he is obsess with me somehow. Maybe not to say obsess, but having some kind of affection on me. Anyway, it's been so long already. I know him even before I know Doug. However, till now he is still wanting me to meet him up if I able to.

He did call me today, telling me that he get to KL today and will be here for another 3 days before leaving back to Sarawak. Well, his job requires him to travel here and there most of the time. Yet, he did asked me to be his partner, despite that he is already more than 4o years old. Well, age doesn't really matter but he is elder than me almost 2 circles of the Chinese zodiac, with addition that he is not from here (where he always fly here and there) and he is having some defect on his lower limb. I really don't think I'm able to accept him as a partner.

Sometimes it does make me think, am I too picky or am I asking too much in a relationship? Is it the reason why till now I can't settle down with someone? I felt like those that interested with me is either they are too old physically (look) or having irritating personality. Those that I'm keen to be with, it's either attached or they are not interested. LOL. Well, it doesn't really matter at the moment. I'm still happy with how I am now. I still having him - although not exactly or fully, but I still have a piece of him. Anyway, his boyfriend have almost the whole junk of him, somehow makes me envy of him (or maybe jealous a little).

I'm Stuck At Home Doing Nothing

I wake up late for my dance class today, yet I need to drive my mother out, so I did not attend the class. Not attending my dancing class early Sunday does makes me feel like I'm stuck at home doing nothing. Well, I think I can start watching those anime I have borrowed from my colleague previously but somehow still feeling lonely, home alone.

Till now, I haven't eaten anything yet. I have no idea what to eat at home now. There is no more bread, no more oats, nothing. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating it. There is still some chocolates bite size cookies, some chocolates that Doug gave it to me, and instant noodles. Should I be eating those as breakfast?

I'm still wondering what I should be planning to do for at least 7~8 hours of time on what I should be eating, and what I'm going to do to keep my occupied and not feeling that bad, home alone. After this 7~8 hours of time, probably Doug will be able to meet me up for dinner. That will really cheer me up a lot. At least it feels rewarding after being lonely at home for such a long hours. LOL.

I Feel Like As If I'm Floating

Finally I have tendered my resignation letter and will be joining the new force after serving 2 months notice at my current company. However, I will still need my HR to calculate all the leave I'm entitled for and when will be my last day serving my term. I'm thinking how will my exit interview will be with the HR soon. Will it be positive one or not that happy one?

Sitting in front of my lappie, blogging this alone in my room, or rather at home alone now as my sister is having her tuition, my mother is no where to be seen, probably she went to my uncle's place, and my brother is always not around. I do feel a sense of loneliness now. Thinking of him now but I dare not to disturb him. I worried that I will disturb him too often and it will makes him feel annoying.

Although I just seen him on Tuesday, but I felt like I didn't see him quite long enough to make me missing him badly. Thinking that he will be going off to China by end of the month makes me feel even worst as I will not be able to see him over the weekends. I do want to skip my OT this Saturday to be with him, but then I don't know is it good. It's like Kesha's song, "Your Love Is My Drug" in my head right now. LOL.

Before I tendered my resignation letter, I was like reluctant a little bit as my colleagues are mostly very nice to me. I do miss them for sure. However, no doubt that the new job is more challenging and the pay is good, and of course I do have a little bit more chance to see him around, but I will need to control myself. LOL.

Now, I felt like asking when will be my last day and I can't wait to see how is my new job will change my life. Maybe I'm anticipate for it. Maybe by the time really is my last day, I will be emotional to leave. However, life should moves on.

So back to the thought of working this Saturday. I really don't know should I skip RPM for OT which seems to be good employee ethic I'm showing for the last 2 months of me there or I just don't give a damn and be with Douglas in the class. One of my colleague was asking me to join her for lunch on Saturday if we work OT at the okonomiyaki shop in Low Yat Plaza. But I'm feeling more on seeing Doug at the gym and have lunch together. Of course working OT makes me claim more pay at the end of the month.

I hope that Doug can give me some suggestion. Will he be joining RPM this Saturday and having lunch with me after that? Does he wants me physically there with him on that day rather than working in my office? He is going on vacation soon, I do really hope to see him more before he is not around approximately for a week, more.

Confused With The Road In Front

I'm confuse right now. No idea what I should really do. Doug has already asked me to submit my CV to his as soon as possible. I'm still too shock of his offering me a job in such a pace. I mean I didn't expect it so it's just like it happen so fast that I don't know how to response.

Thinking of it, leaving my current company will make me misses all the things that I have gone through there. However, I can't be stay there stagnant without moving on. If the job is not showing any promising good benefit to myself, why not try to change a new environment and start over again. Probably I will need some time to adapt again with the people.

There are some people I might miss. For example my senoir who taught me a lot of stuff since I join the company. She is the most patient senoir and the nicest person I can recall working with. Anyway, she also very friendly and I do at time borrow some books from her. Other than her, will be another colleague of mine that I always get Japanese anime from. Leaving the company will make me lose the opportunity to get to read free book and especially free Japanese anime. LOL.

Anyway, it's not like I'm confirm getting in alraedy to the company, but thinking of new environment, there are still lots of questions I wanted to ask. How is the parking there? Does it requires parking fee? How is the food there? Is it easily assesible? What is my responsibility? What I have to do? All I know is that the position offered to me is sales executive and the medical benefit only covers G.P. visit in panel clinic up to maximum of RM30.

Thinking of the medical benefit offered, although it's not that good, since I'm doing medical claims, I know most company medical benefit. The company medical benefit is really low, but then the pay that it's willing to offer is way higher than my current company. I just don't know how to decide. Should I join his company now or should I stay till one year later only I leave? So confusing.

I know that Doug will take care of me somehow if I'm working in his company but he will definitely work my like a cow. LOL. However, I only worried I will fail him or something. How about when he leave to Singapore? Will I be able to survive without him around?

Many Stuff Happened and Now I'm Not Feeling Well

Yesterday, plenty of stuff happened. I get my my hair cut since it is getting longer and I think I have the time in the morning, so why not cutting it. So, after my breakfast, I went straight to the hair saloon to get my hair cut. After that, I went to the gym for my dance competition.

I get there earlier, thinking to practise a little bit before the actual stuff. Who knows that the carpark is full. I was like searching everywhere for a space to park. I just forgot that it is public holiday yesterday and never know such places can be so pack. I managed to get a space later and get some light practise before the real start. Well, I ended up in top 3 of the competition. Maybe I'm lucky to get a good partner to dance with it's the main reason we won. LOL.

Anyway, Charles did tag along with me yesterday, not for the dance but gym. So after my competition, I meet him up and hit the shower before going off to catch a movie together. Actually, I asked him for it. Since my mother is not making dinner, so why not asking a friend to eat with me or hangout a little bit. At least he fills so of my time that doing nothing at home.

We took our dinner at some Thai style restaurant before meeting up with the Saturday group that Doug introduce to me previously. Well, I only have Loius' number, so I called him yesterday. It was Charles that asked me whether I will be joining the group for the day. Since there is nothing else I can do, so I called p Loius and ask about it. It's only for of us last night, seems not that usual group but it's not bad I think. At least can talk to Loius more this time and another guy. LOL.

I guess I can't sleep early last night due to missing someone after getting back home. I was thinking to text him but thinking that it's late, he might already rest in bed. Anyway, I didn't see him online in MSN or Skype, thinking that if he is not yet asleep, will be online either one of it and chat with his boyfriend. That's why I don't want to disturb him. Thinking of it, I think he will be seeing me today, so why I need to make it seems like I'm obsess with it. LOL.

Probably due to the late night sleep or what-so-ever reason, I feel giddy this morning. It does make me feel lazy to drive to the gym for my dance class. Anyway, I do think it is dangerous to drive with my condition that time, giddiness with slight headache. Thinking of it, I need to take some food before medication. Pop a pill to reduce the giddiness and one for headache. I think I should be okay in no time. ^^

Am I Paranoid or Having Delusion?

I'm thinking whether am I paranoid or am I having delusion or something. I'm feeling so lonely since Wednesday. Maybe I'm getting sick quite often and it makes me think a lot. I'm actually missing him quite a lot. I do have the feeling of calling him or texting him at least several times already but I did nothing. I'm worried to dissturb him while he is working and I don't want to make it seems like I'm obsessed with him.

Well, on Wednesday, I'm having migraine. So I do rest at home. Maybe I do think much about him than yesterday and today. Of course when I'm working, I need to concentrate on my job. So I did reduce the tendency of thinking too much.

Thank God he did reply my sms and calls. It does make me settle down my feeling. At least I know that he is safely arrived to his destination and doing his stuff well. I know he does miss me too. The only regret is that I can't see him with his stuff there.

Anyway, I do have some stuff to keep me occupied while he is not around. I do have my competition to take care of tomorrow. I'm going to practise before the competition with my friends. After that, might be catching a movie with Charles. I'm thinking to get a hair cut in the morning. LOL. So he might see me with my hair cut when he gets back here. ^^

Work Is Tiring Yet Boring, & I Felt So Bad For Him

It's been a tiring day today. Three of my colleague were taking leave today, and one of them have left us. The one who left us is the one that share the the work load with me on checking the cases for one of my junior. We usually just called it QC the cases. So I have to deal with it alone. Luckily my senior get someone to help me out a little bit. So I felt the office is slightly quite than usual and even slightly boring compare to usual too.

Anyway, one of my colleague just got an iPhone. I was like so envy. LOL. I felt like I'm so getting one. Just that I need to allocate my budget and I will have to sacrifice to get new working wear. Well, it can't be perfect in both ways. I really like that smartphone and I think I really need one. At least I can use it to Facebook in office during break time or even Twittering around and even use the navigation application to know my directions, etc.

I think maybe I will get one this month or next month if I am able to. Or else, I have no idea already. Maybe I can get Douglas opinion on this matter. Maybe I need someone to make a decision for me. LOL. However, I don't know whether want to disturb him such a small matter of this. I can feel that lately he is under lots of pressure and stress on his product launching.

I felt so bad for him. I mean I felt like I can't help him anything. Like just now, after my work, I thought of asking him whether he will be attending the class, but then he does not sound that cheerful. I can sense all the stress he is having and he is frustrated. I hope that I can do little things for him, maybe a massage after his work or something. But this is not going to happen.

I wanted to call him to ask how is him right now but I worried that will disturb him or annoys him. I have no idea what to do now. I just hate myself unable to do anything to help him and seeing him stress makes me feel like I did nothing to cheer him up. I'm thinking to text now. I guess he must be off duty and getting back home. I felt bad disturbing him early just now.

My Head Is Spinning

This morning have no idea why my head are spinning like crazy. Feeling so dizzy and I almost wanna puke but nothing comes out. I felt so bad that I have to skip the class this morning. I thought that I might not see him as he has to get back to his office after the class as I thought of. However, we managed to have lunch together as the vertigo feeling gets better.

I did when to the clinic to seek medical advise from doctor before going out to meet him. Anyway, he did spent quite some time with me after the lunch. At least we went to get our ice cream before we hit to the car park to get our car and leave.

I took my medication once I reached home. Frankly speaking, my head still spinning even till now. I can't take nap at home. Well, Charles is around. I guess I can't be sleeping right. But it's not him that cause me not taking my nap but I'm just not sleepy. I have no idea is it the medication have no effect or not effective enough because I'm still not getting much better.

What I am worrying now is whether I'm able to drive to help him out later or not. Deep down, I really wanted to help him so much, I wanted to be part of him in anything that he is doing. Well, I don't know how much I can help and how much more I can be part of him and for how long, what matters is how much effort I'm putting it for him. However, this nausea feeling I'm having and the dizziness are extremely frustrating me.

I hate to turn him down because I worry that he will not be pleased. But nothing beats the feeling of how I hate to miss the chance to see him for a bit more, to be with him a little bit more, to be there to support him a little bit more and to hug and kiss him for a little more if I could. Hopefully I can be better after half and hour or so. I hope I don't miss everything that he is doing. I felt I'm useless right now.

I was thinking whehter should I be writing here today. I felt that I'm writing pretty frequent in this blog. Probably I have more things to share but I don't want to share it too much in my main blog. Afterall, this blog is meant for me to blog on more emotional issue or my gay life anyway. So, I decided to write something.

Since I'm bored at home after working overtime today, I basically stuck in my room just chatting with 3 of my ex course mates. They asked about my job as usual and asking whether do I plan to quit my current job. They even suggest a company asking me whether I'm interested or not. I'm still considering about it.

Anyway, this is not the main reason why I wanted to blog here today. I'm missing that person now and I felt that he is either busy with his work and he is exhausted like me and probably still need to entertain his boyfriend. That's why I don't dare to text him now. I worried that if he is really accompany his boyfriend, then what will happen if I text him right now.

It's just 2 days apart, I'm already missing him a lot. I know that most likely I will be seeing him on this Saturday. Apart from that, these few days, I doubt I have the chance. First of all, I will need to work overtime. Not to mentioned that his boyfriend also need some time to spent with him alone. I just can't understand why my brain is so actively missing him till I can't find something interesting to keep me busy with.

This blog does not always seems like I'm blogging all negative or unhappy moment of me. I do blog about things that cheers me up too, like my birthday celebration this year. Anyway, I'm using that laptop that he brought me to write this blog while eating some chocolate biscuit that I brought previously with him.

My Mind Is Running Wild

I guess my mind is overly active some of the time. I hope that he would not find me overly obsess with him. I know I need him a lot, maybe even all the time, but then I think I'm not to be overly obsess with him. I will miss him a lot when I unable to see him but I would not do crazy stuff. LOL.

Anyway, thinking back most of time being with him, his playful hand which touches some of my sensitive region (well, I do have lots of sensitive region), I do at times have those horny thought. I always try my best to subside those feeling. For me, masturbation is different from actual sex. Masturbation does not necessary kill those horny feeling of wanting sexual activities if I'm arouse for it. Well, that is not the important thing I wanted to express today.

I did ask him today a stupid question which it does run wild for some time. It's not too long ago actually, just like a day or two. LOL. I did thought of why will he chooses to be with me instead of the other guys that he met or know. I mean despite of his boyfriend, I am the exceptional guy that he shows his love to and cares about. But why me?

In comparison with others like Terence (I mean another person which is not me), Liko, Louis, etc. Well, Terence is much more capable. He is manager for some retail shop and he has some fashion sense. At least I think that he has the confident that I don't. The only bad about him is that he has very few free time available.

Louis is not too bad too. He is smart I guess. At least he possessed a great talent in piano and manage to use it to earn a living. Probably that he can't speak fluent English and I personally don't think he is that good looking are the down point of him. But for me, my English ain't much better a lot that anyone and I ain't that good looking either.

Liko instead, he is young, good looking for a bottom I think and he has some fashion sense too. Not to mention that he is smart too. I think he is not a bad choice to pick up as a lover compare to me. Down point of him is that he is living quite far but I don't think that is the main problem as I do live quite far too (although not as far as Liko). Anyway, he always come to KL as usual but KTM, which I don't think is a majot problem if he wanted to consider him.

This is the only three I can think of. Well, I do not jealous of any of them as I do seriously feel that they are just a friend with him. It's impossible for him to take care of all of us as in he wanted to date all of us in one shot. I think that will kill him. Anyway, I trusted him. Sounds pretty old fashion. LOL.

After considering so much, I do feel lack of confident in securing him. I mean I don't own him, he already has a boyfriend, but as I lover I should call it maybe. Even to be his lover, I doubt I can secure him, I mean I'm emotional, I'm not gorgeous looking (although he always say that I'm cute), I'm pretty useless (and he will say that he will be there to guide me and help me), etc.

I felt that I'm so lucky to have him in my life. Although I can't be his boyfriend, but then all the care I get from him is really poison me deep down in my heart. I just love him as he is. I love him as he is. I don't care whether he is rich or not, he is gaining or losing weight, he is sick or healthy, but all I care is that he loves me or not, because I love him no matter what.

I think my mind is running too wild. He might not happy with it. Might say that I have too much free time to think of unnecessary stuff. I just can't control myself from thinking and having such active brain. I just hope that we will be supporting each other forever. He is a very important person in my life already. I love you, Doug. Good night.

I Hate Myself

I hate myself for feeling jealous. I am happy to know that both of them getting back together and their problems were solved. However, I have no idea why I do have bad feeling myself. Am I evil? Maybe I do.

My birthday wish come true (at least of of it) which is Doug to be happy with everything that he encounter. I guess he is better a lot today as I can see. Seeing him no longer frustrated about the problem he had with his boyfriend and being happy about does make me glad but there is some slight pain I am feeling. I don't know why. I don't even recognise this feeling. I guess it's that I'm jealous.

Why am I jealous about? I usually don't have that bad feeling to intense because I know that no matter what, he is still his boyfriend and I know that Doug will always forgive him in many unhappy things that they go through. This time, I have no idea why I wanted to cry out so much.

Maybe for me, feeling bad about his boyfriend and him telling me that it's all misunderstanding makes me feel like I'm a fool in this matter.

He did asked me whether did I hope for some other outcome that makes me seems upset today. Well, I did not. In fact, I do have the intuition that they gonna get through this and I will be still the same position as always. Anyway, I'm not that important in this context. I did nothing for Doug before this. His boyfriend does probably much more than I do. I'm just a useless piece of crap that amazingly still able to survive till now.

Am I negative thinking? Maybe. Maybe I'm lack of confident. Maybe I'm lack of everything. I really feel so bad that I wonder should I turn up tonight with them for the drink? Will I embarrass myself there or being so moody or being jealous seeing them hugging in front of me? I really don't know. What I know now is that I hate myself for being emotional.

Anyway, I know I love him. I never care about being with him in this situation which does not seems to be what I was hoping for in the history. I don't know why but I just love him and I needed him so much that I can't let him go just like that. However, maybe the greatest love I can give him is to scarify myself. The most important thing is that he is happy with his life, he is bless with someone he loves, and that will be his boyfriend, which is not me.

Well, he did his best for me already and it's not fair for him and yet to his boyfriend of me being jealous about. Why do I need to trouble him so much where I should not? Loving someone is to tolerate, to care about and to understand him. That's at least I can try my best to do for him. I start to feel that my future is fog up and I don't really know my direction anymore. Pain is beyond compare.

I Hate My Brother, He Sucks!!

Why he always screw my day. I just don't know why. For me, these few days, I've my birthday mood kinda feeling if you got what I mean. He is make my day worst or try something that make it worst. He sucks. I started to hate him.

I hate myself not able to take care myself completely. If I can and able to, I do hope to move out from this house, need not to deal with the reality that I've a brother that make my day goes bad. He always try to show up in front of my friends and thinking that he is so damn great, knowing a lot about cars and stuff. I feel embarrass about it. As if all my friends like that stupid talk of car like him.

Hello, most my friends are gays. I don't think many gay guys fancy about the car stuff unless some cool cars. Anyway, that is not even the topic. The part I hate him the most is he loves to show up at my room right after his work. I can't imagine how gruel some it can be, with his disgusting car stains and stinky smell and that freaking cigarette smell from his mouth. I feel like throwing him out of the house.

What is worst today as always, he borrows my car, telling me that his car is broken down somewhere. This time, his car's head light. I have no idea what kinda of guy is him. I showed him that bitchy face and I know he does not like it either. But he still took my car key and saying that he will pump RM10 petrol back for me. As if that RM10 is gazillion huge amount. What I hate is that my car will turn to be a piece of crap every single time he uses it.

I hate the most if he fetches anybody cause I've no idea his friends are brainless or freaking pathetic, they do make my car look like shit. Maybe I'm prejudice or since I'm hating the whole thing of him taking my car, I start to hate everything that goes along with it. Now, I'm feeling that my car is filthy dirty with him staining it. My poor baby car.

If I can take care of myself good enough, I should and I will move out. Well, I still not financial stable to be living all by myself. Anyway, I'm planning more on like I get a house and not welcoming my brother to tag along with me. God, I hope that I can get out of this mess. I should have wish that on my birthday cake yesterday too. I'm feeling terrible. I wonder should I text him telling him that my day get worst now. Hmm.

It's A Wonderful Night I Had

Today, I had a great night. He really surprises me with lots of surprise which mostly I did not expect it in unexpected way too. I thought that I might need to celebrate with him with his boyfriend all together at first but it turns out to be only him and me. I thought that will be real good.

It does turns out to be really memorable and unforgetable event in my life. He did make a reservation and get everything set before I even know it. He is the first person who make a reservation for me on my birthday. It's so sweet of him.

He gave me a box of chocolate, a tin can of pearl dark chocolate (well, I am maniac for choc) and a perfume he got from Hong Kong. I thought that were the birthday gift already. I mean I know that chocolate is a souvenir he got me from Hong Kong. I know that he will not mixed up souvenir as birthday present. But I thought that perfume was the birthday present already.

Then we started dining and chat. However, the chat goes a little bit emotional as I have some flashback of my ex-boyfriend who happens to be a jerk and as for him, he told me about his boyfriend being paranoid and not that understanding. I did feel bad about it.

Then after the meal and we thrown back those not that happy thought and he told me that he have some other surprises for me. We were going to catch a movie in the cinema. Well, that I guessed already. The he opened a laptop and told me that he have some cool stuff to show me. So I do pay attention to it and watch the power point that he made it especially for me.

I was thinking that time that he is making those short clips or some nice presentation to cherish my birthday. The slides goes, Hi Terence, then telling that there is a secret to tell me. Then the secret was "I'm your new computrer". I was so shocked and I almost cried but then since I have promised him before he showed me the slides not to cry. I hold on to my tears.

He did mentioned that I should not tell anyone about this and I didn't. I think blogging does not count right? This blog ain't have anyone reading it except for him only. LOL. You know what, I am still shocked with this surprise. I really did not expect this. We brought this computer together yet he keeps it so well the secrets.

I love him so much that is all I can say. He really amaze me almost all the time. Seeing him happy is my biggest satisfaction now. I am writting this blog with this new gadget he got me. I guess I will love it so much like how I love him. I do feel bad actual now knowing that his boyfriend actually jealous and making a fuss now. He is in bad mood now. I just hope that he is okay and I want him to know that no matter what, I will be there for him anytime, anywhere as for my love to him.

My birthday wish is just that he will be healthy, happy and doing well in his career and hope this same goes to me too. I did wish something extra, which is hoping that we will be together always. I guess I am too greedy on my birthday wishes. However, I do hope Lord grant me all of them. LOL.

Will My Birthday Turns Out Not Not In The Way I'm Thinking?

I was thinking that my birthday this year will be somehow interesting yet surprising. I mean I do think that Doug has make his plan for my birthday. At least that is what he has told me about it. In my mind, I'm visualizing that he might bring me for a fine dinner or some nice places for dinner.

Of course I have no idea what he is getting me as present. He did asked me what do I want for my birthday but then it's odd to request for a birthday gift particularly for something. Anyway, I have no idea in my mind what do I really want from him. Wanting expensive stuff will seems not appropriate. I have nothing particularly wanting him to get me.

Anyway, there might be something that I want but then he told me before that he is getting it for me later, which is the external hard disk. Well, he mentioned before that he has those spare ones which he does not really need it anymore. Since he told me that he will pass it to me later, then I don't think that consider a birthday present right?

I am thinking that it suppose to be somehow romantic and memorable. However, I am worried now it will turn out to be other way. K**** just asked me in MSN what am I planning for on my birthday. Well, I hope I can celebrate with Doug alone only. I don't feel like having too many people. I want it to be special and I don't hope to have some weird or embarrass moment or I do feel like out of place.

Anyway, this is not up to me. If he insists to tag along, Doug can't say no. It's already predicted. Somehow my intuition tells me that it will most probably I have to bear with the present of K**** along at my celebration. So I guess my birthday celebration, I might have mix feeling. I don't know what to do. I don't want him to have the trouble to deal with both of us. Just let it be the way it is. Only till then, it will tell.

I am preparing for the worst outcome. If it does not turns out the way I dream of, just forget it. It will still be memorable but just a little bit different from what I hope for. I start to talk crap already. Moody a little bit. Maybe I think too perfectly of the celebration and when it might not turns out the way I am dreaming about, I'm acting weird. Anyway, the most important thing still that he gets back home safely to celebrate with me.

It will come soon the day. Just another two more days till my birthday. At least he is celebrating with me or else the chorus of the song sung by Landy Wen, titled "Zhu Wo Sheng Re Kuai Le (祝我生日快乐)" will match my feeling of the day.

I Can't Imagine I'm Blogging Twice In A Day

I am so boring till I have nothing better to do but blogging. To make it worst, I'm emotional so I don't think that I wanted to blog much about it at my main blog. I don't know, I just feel stupid and useless at home right now.

I went downstairs to be with my sister and mother watching some HK drama and after awhile, I started thinking him again and I lose my interest to watch it further. Then climbed up back to my room and I've been rolling at my bed doing nothing.

Now, I am blogging. Thinking of many stuff. I've been thinking what are they doing right now since they are not joining the group. Well, I don't have anyone to accompany me there to the group. I mean close friends. Charles is not going to entertain me since he is not interested to join today as well. I guess he has a date or probably like what he said, he is going to accompany one of his ex-course mate since he get to KL.

So I've no other choice but stay at home. I don't think going to the join all by myself is good. I'm not close to most of them. I know a few of them, like Louis, Wilson and Michael but I can only think of Wilson and Louis will be talking to me for a bit. After that, they may just talk to the rest and I'll most probably feel left out.

Don't I have other friends? I think I do. BH is not free as he is always busy with his study and his girlfriend. This is the same goes to MC. The only straight friends that I'm still close with. They just too busy. How about my gay friends? I have no idea too. Charles is busy. Anthony is lazy to hang out and wanted to be alone with his boyfriend.

Who else? Dennis is a bitch and he is staying at Sg. Buloh. I don't think it's a good idea to ask him out. I hated him when he asks me to drive him home. James is busy and I guess he is up to something as he usually online if he is free. All my gay friends that I usually contact seems busy as I didn't see them appear in MSN. Those who seems free, they are hell staying too far away.

I found that maybe me myself is an introvert person. I don't have much friends. Straight friends seems to be really less as in those I still close with. Most of them become "Hi and Bye" kinda friends or that we will only gather up once awhile. Gay friends which I found to be more comfortable as I can be myself as well not seems that great.

Most of the gay friends I know it's either they are too bound with their boyfriend or they are staying too far. How ironic. Those who seems to stay slightly nearer to me, they are not free to entertain me or they are up to something in their mind. I don't know what I really want already. All I know is that I'm so lonely and I'm actually scare of this feeling.

Apparently, I do worried to have the same old feeling of totally loneliness. I can recall that feeling and how horrible it is to survive, a year back. I'm alone, no boyfriend, no lover, no attachment, totally me alone with no hope of someone to love me. Probably I do have people who wanted me but it's not like what you think that good.

I don't want to recall back those guys. Guys like Wilson from Sarawak, who is already 43 years old and limping? Noel, 30 plus who looks like almost 50 with his bald head? Vincent who weights 90kg yet slightly shorter than me? Or a named Vincent who is just 17? It's a disaster. It's only after knowing Douglas that changes my life. There is Eliel who wanted me past few months ago but he is no longer do.

I think staying in my room all alone really creeps me. It's like I keep thinking too many things and I wonder will I go insane one day. Like what James chat with me earlier today, maybe I'm not desperate to get a boyfriend but I'm seriously needed one. He told me that he felt that I'm the type of person that really need to be taken care of or else I can't survive. I'm thinking maybe he is right. I do feel I needed him almost all the time although I know that he will never takes me. I should be knowing this even on the first day we started all this on August 8th, 2009.

Gosh, I can even remember the date. Why am I so emotional? I have no idea myself. Somehow, I do think that I'm crazy. I always blog, it's like talking to the computer or talking back to myself. Although I know that there might be someone who reading it up like BH and you, Doug, but I still think that sometimes, you will never read it. My blog entries at time can be too lengthy like today. I guess everyone gets bore after reading it or they even stop half way.

He is leaving tomorrow and I know I'll miss him. I know he is going to get me some chocolates from HK when he gets back. I know that he will be celebrating my birthday this year but I don't know how it will turn ups to be. I don't know whether I will cry or not. Anyway, I don't know what I want from him. It's like I wanted to sing Adam Lambert's song, "What do you want from me" back to myself.

I guess for now, Owl City's song, Vanilla Twilight does sing out my feeling. Anyway, I think I should be just go to sleep and think less a little bit. After all, I guess I am going nowhere better thinking it.

Emotional Again

I am emotional again today and it sucks because I have no idea why am I emotional for. This morning waking up feeling lazy. However, since I had promised Charles to take him into the gym and I need to get to the gym for RPM class, I have no other choice but to get my ass out of my bed.

Anyway, the gym session with Charles is kinda funny. I have no mood for almost anything just because I wake up with emotional feeling and I do know what is wrong with me. I do very little workout this morning except for RPM class which I am literally try to get myself settle.

Well, RPM itself also cannot make me feel settle down. I do not know whether is it because K**** is here with us or Doug is distracting me. Lets forget it. It's not important. I do not know am I feeling jealous or whatever feeling that rest inside of me. I just feels like wanted to suck it out.

Actually I am really worried that Charles is going to be mad at K**** this morning. Well, K**** did a little bit stuff that I can feel pissing Charles a little bit. I felt so bad as I am in the middle. I cannot be at K****'s side as it will make Charles even piss off or so. I also worried if I am to stand at Charles' side, will Douglas unhappy with that scenario later.

By the way, hanging out with both of them today is cool if I am totally friend of them like what I used to be for Jetky and Dennis. But this time, it is not. That makes me feel even more embarrass and odd. I felt a little hard to restrict myself, to act nothing, to avoid standing too close to him, the eye contact, etc. Seeing him having intimate moments, tease him, hugs him or things like that do make me envy of him.

I feel so bad and I am so sick of myself to put myself into this scenario. I felt like I am making him having the hard time with me as well. All this bad thoughts and feeling does contribute a little more to my "emo" right now. I am thinking that they are not going to the group tonight. Probably they will have some romantic time before he is leaving to Hong Kong tomorrow.

Shit! Am I jealous or what? Me myself have no idea. But if I am, then I am like a bitch. I should not be jealous as I know that they are couple and I am not. I am not his boyfriend and I should not be jealous. What am I doing and thinking?

Well, I recall Doug told me to get a decent guys and settle with him. I do feel it might be a good suggestion but I just realise that I might not able to do so. I love him so much that I doubt I can fall for someone else so easily now. Furthermore, I do not think that I have any qualities that capturing other guy's interest.

I am thinking that will I be alone in the future. No one seems to be interested on me, and I am so ordinary. My life is suck actually if without Doug. He did make my life change so much that I am thinking that if a day he leaving me alone, how it would be? Probably I will be the most loneliness guy living in the history (mine I mean).