It's A Nice Chap Goh Meh

Although yesterday I seems to be pretty lonely and I skipped my dinner, however today is a better one. I did take my breakfast today, which is bread and cheese but not much for lunch. I took some chocolate cookies and soft drinks.only and I do feel pretty pathetic about it.

I met up with Doug later in the evening. I take better food of course this time. We ate at Delicious and he fed me well. It's a punishment as for me not eating yesterday. LOL. It's really sweet of him to say such words. It makes me feel guilty of not eating yet warm inside as he do really care for me.

He got me food supplement just in case I did not take my dinner or when I am hungry. Not to mention that my metabolism is way higher than normal as I guess since I do not gain weight easily. Besides that, vitamin C as well. I felt like heaven as today is Chap Goh Meh, some sort of Chinese Valentine. I guess you should know what I meant.

Although it's simple dinner, some time together walking in Carrefour and not to forget the things that he gets me, I felt I am having a good time this month as both Valentine and Chap Goh Meh are memorable to me. I gotta say I love this man. Muakz ^^

Feeling Lonely Again

It's almost 8pm. I have been at home alone for almost 3 hours plus. As Doug just advise me today to eat more as my muscle does not recover quick enough, I am now doing something that totally not being a good boy. I plan to skip my dinner tonight.

Why? The reason is simple and as usual, I do want to eat alone. Some times I do feel myself ridiculous having such a habit. I cannot stand the feeling of eating alone as it makes me feel more lonely. It just because I am feeling lonely now, I'm not eating.

Not to mention that I am kind of broke after using my salary to pay off most of my liabilities, I do have to save some for my food and transportation to work for the entire month of March. To make matter worst, my mother need me to sponsor some cash for the red packet that we need to give when we attend my cousin's wedding dinner this coming March.

I do feel pretty stress up again with my financial crisis now. I do not know who to talk to about it. Telling my mother about it, she cannot even help me about it. Her herself also need to worried herself for it. If her could make herself not to attend the wedding, that will be great.

However, my mother is like this. She always want to follow the so called right thing to do, and never really consider our ability on doing it. At times she realize it, but she is still doing it as she thinks that is the right thing to do. I do not blame her. If she is not there for me, I might be long dead.

Anyway, this stress might be the reason I feeling down and emotional lately. For example, today, I do want to hug him so so much, wanted to spend more time together and even cuddle for make me feel secure under his embrace. Of course I do not have the chance as most of the time. I dare not to tell him much about it because I really do not know what to say.

He is pretty tired lately as I always sees him. I do believe that his work is the main cause of his tiredness. I cannot help him anything, which makes me do not want to burden him too much with my story. Able to see him spending some quality of his time for me while he is try hard for it is a bless I can ask for.

Maybe like what he said, I always try hard to think about him, or even being selfish for him only. I am not thinking much for myself. I do not know whether I am or not. I am in dilemma too. I do not know what I do now is good or wrong, I do not know he will angry or not, I just hope I do not burden him too much.

Since I eat pretty well in the early of the day, it should not be too bad if I skip my dinner tonight. I just try my best to keep myself occupied with Dan Brown's book and probably some TV session before I go to bed early today. God bless everyone.

What Will You Do When You Miss Someone You Love?

What will I do if I miss someone I love? I guess I will be thinking of him all the time. Probably not all the time because I can't be thinking about him when I am sleeping (only will dream about him) or during busy moment where taking up my brain "processing power". LOL.

Missing someone you loves the most is really bad. I guess it's different of feeling for different people. For example, I do not really miss my daddy even thought he is not around me for more than 10 years. Maybe because I am not close to my dad or perhaps it's different kind of love you show for different people.

If you are missing someone you love as in he or she is your lover or partner, I personally think the feeling is much more intends as you hope that that person is there for you when you needed him or her. But I believe that everyone have different kinds of need.

For me, I am much simpler myself. Just like what Doug told me yesterday, I think just by seeing that person, having meal together, catching up for a movie, some time being together and a small gift at times really makes me feel happy. Probably I loves being with the person I love most of the time. I enjoy the moment together, feeling pampered and warm. It is just have no solid reason or explanation to this preference.

Some people might be more demanding, wanting more in a relationship. Probably like calling him or her every night before sleep, got to report to each other the things that he or she had done for the day, meet up every night, tolerating one party to much extreme level, etc. It's all depending on that person preference and behaviour.

Romantic Moment

It was a very romantic time I went through this Monday and Tuesday. I almost felt that it's passes very quickly. Although it's the second day of Chinese New Year, where I have to go to my grandma's place to visit her, but I manage to take some time to meet Doug at the Curve for a quick lunch.

Although it's simple, but I had a great time with him. Even though, I know that I am not his boyfriend and I will not be able to be his 1st or top priority, I still love him. I do try my best to tolerate my status and existence of me in his life. I'll be happy as long as he is happy and healthy. Is this called the power of love?

After the lunch, I went back to my grandma's house for dinner. When I got home, Doug was waiting for me at my house. He promised me to spend some quality time together since he have two day off. He will be able to spare it for me as in his boyfriend is not around KL.

The first night, we did enjoy ourselves. It's the most romantic night for me. I could say that he is trying to celebrate belated Valentine day with me. Although he didn't say it out, but then whole thing makes it seems like one. He cooked steak and pasta for me, then give me a surprise gift (a watch) and hugs me to sleep at night.

He did called up his boyfriend later in the evening, and I do not feel that good. So I tried to watch the TV and ended up taking some nap while waiting for him to finish. It's a routine for him to do that. I can't blame him. That's why I said that I can't compare and I need to tolerate as I understand my position.

Then the next day, we woke up late. We went for lunch at Bangsar. I am not sure whether we ate at Bangsat Village or not. Then we do some shopping and headed back home. Then we watched "The Proposal" together before we went to Pavillion for dinner.

After all the good time, it's time to be home. I got back home that time, missing him and I dreamed about him that very day. I dreamed about we having vacation to somewhere, like Japan but I can't be sure. LOL.

Pavilion Outing

It's the second visit to Pavilion with Doug, and it is the first visit this year with him. We seldom shop around at Pavilion as it's kind of far from my place and the parking will kill me. So we usually hang out at the Curve instead.

Yesterday, it something new. I drove to Pavilion just to meet him up and we had lunch together. We took Lebanese food, which it's my first time and I kind of loving it. No wonder he told me that the bread is addictive. I am still thinking of the bread. It's really nice.

He whole dating session with him was great and I love the feeling walking with him. Although when he getting Valentine gift for his boyfriend makes me felt uneasy, probably I'm envy or jealous. I do not even know why I feel that way.

Anyway, he promised me that he will surprise me with a Valentine gift after CNY. I'm thrill for that day. However, I think I will love most if I will be able to spent a day or two with him personally, especially the 2 days he told me that he will be free at home provided that his boyfriend not coming. Somehow is makes me to have evil thought, hoping I will have this chance to accompany him.

This few days, he already got me some CNY stuff like new shoes and socks. I'm really grateful for it as I'm kind of broke lately, and he really helps me a lot. I do believe that he loves me, just that he happens to love his boyfriend too, a lot more. Nobody is perfect. Since that I have no idea why I rather choose to be with him, even in this tough situation over El, which seems simpler. I will need to prepare myself for the outcome of it.

Maybe this is fate. God might be testing my patient and faith of me to Him. Only time will tells more. Lord, thanks for everything you put me through. All I can hope from you is lending your hand to help out Doug, hope that everything goes on smoothly and fine for him. Amen ^^

Valentine Day

Thinking of it, I really have no idea how it will turn out to be. Last year, I celebrated with a jerk, some other friends on else day and that is it. Last 2 and 3 years ago, then with that jerk who claim that he is straight right now. Well, he is not important and not the point of discussion here as well.

This year instead, Valentine day falls on the same day as Chinese New Year. I know I would not have the chance to celebrate it with anyone else as my mother will need me to be with the family the whole day even on the second day of Chinese New Year. This tradition will never ever chance even I am already tired with all the same routine.

Saying of celebrating it earlier or later, which makes me to really consider about it, I still have no idea how it will turns out to be this year. It's not that I have a boyfriend already this year, so I can't be saying to celebrate with my boyfriend.

Yes, in my heart, I do really hope that person I am thinking right now will do something special for me. However, somehow own self telling me that I should not hope for anything or else I might get great disappointment. I must remember, even he wanted to celebrate, it will be more likely he will be celebrating with his boyfriend only.

I do feel the a little upset in advance. Further more, I do envy him as well. He will have the opportunity to go vacation with him to Beijing coming May. I wonder will I have the same chance? Even I do, will it be sweet and I'm having a memorable one? I dare not to think.

El have told me that he might want to ask me out on 12th of February. At first, I did not realize anything funny. However, I do feel that he trying to celebrate Valentine day with me in advance. I just feel so but it does not mean it's the fact, because I am still not sure about his plan yet.

I am feeling awkward. The person that I am hoping for, I have no idea he will do anything for me or not this coming Valentine day and I am so enthusiast for it. Meanwhile, the guy know I feel like he is planning something on for the Valentine day celebration in advance, I do not have much passion for it. Ironic.