I Hate My Life

I'm literally hating myself of the life I'm going through. I thank God for giving me all the love I should have got from my family, especially where I have a wonderful mother that is very supportive in most of my decision. Probably just in term on religion, she is a bit reluctant for me to accept Christ.

However, I'm always putting myself at the no man should have getting himself into kinda situation. Except that if I'm suppose to be a sluttiest, or perhaps the money boy kinda person, or what-so-ever stupid creature in the surface of the Earth, then I'll not hesitate to keep myself on the most extreme situation.

I don't know why I have to lie to myself to keep me from hurting. Am I that stupid or idiotic? Perhaps I am. How am I going to learn to move on with my life? Am I getting too comfortable or I'm too worry of the changing world, especially this fucking irritating gay world that I'm clinging to?

So what life am I opting for? I'm just want a simple love life, simple and good career, able to save some cash for myself to be able to clear off my debts such as my PTPTN loans, car loans or what-so-ever loan, and to be able to get myself a property. If I could, have a small business on my own running it to maintain my survival since I'm not getting any kids to take care of me.

But why am I so stupid keep on falling for something that I'm trying hard not to get too close with? I'm practically playing fire on my own. I knew that he cares for me a lot. There are a lot of times that I felt the things he did to me is beyond friendship. He helped me in many occasion, especially in terms financial, which he is much at the comfort zone.

I knew I love him and yet knowing the fact that he ain't going to settle with me and he ain't looking for what I'm looking for in him. What I need Is a decent boyfriend that can just share our life living together, cherishing each other. What he is looking at is just someone that will understand him and makes him feel fun, and I mean anybody. This could mean that he can have more than one of such person.

I knew that he is not just going to be settling with me from the beginning of time where in first met him. I'm just lying to myself that if I love him enough and have faith, perhaps I'll finally receive what I giving him for. Perhaps Lord doesn't permit that. Maybe he was sent by God to help me but not granting me what I fully opting for from him.

I've been always wanting to get someone else and letting him go slowly since or maybe Lord doesn't want me to be with him. But why Lord doesn't grant me someone else into my life to make me move on? Why am I stuck with him for 2 years and yet I can't find someone to be with me? Why do he treats me sometime so good that makes me feel so attach to him and yet sometimes I feel so hurt by what he did? Is this a test?

Seriously, Father in Heaven, I might not always pray to You, and yet I'm very new to You. I thank you for everything You did to me and salvage us. However, if my life is going to be this hard, I pray that you could take me back to Your side soon. Sometimes, I do feel that You might taking me closer to You already. Even so, he might not really hurt to know perhaps. He has so many others besides I'm the less appealing one. I just hope that You could provide my family with good health and the wisdom to seek for Your love.

As for him, I hope You could give him the happiness he is opting. I'm no longer want to be stirring in between Terence, Loius, Liko, Nicky, Aaron, and any other guys that he has interest with. I'm too tired playing this jealousy game and love game. I think to let him go completely is the only best solution. If love is so painful, why make me this way? My life sucks.