Although this phrase Wayne used it to me quite often, but I think I can finally really use this words to describe myself and my feeling right now. Everything that I've done so far is a big mistake. If I hide my feeling well enough in the first place, not getting drunk and unable to control myself and kissed him, everything might different right now.
I might not be tangling with Doug for so long because everything will not be started. If I can let go in the first place after realizing what we did were wrong, I might not cause such a havoc now. I started to hate myself. I don't know how to face Doug and Keith at the same time. I'm thinking that how am I suppose to face them from now onwards.
I can't imagine what am I suppose to do now. I'll be joining his company this coming Thursday. Thinking of such event makes me feel like I'm a totally idiot and I'm like a bitch. It's absolutely a very bad timing for all this to happen. I'm totally lost right now. I bet Keith must be hating me to the maximum right now.
I don't even know how am I suppose to do. I think I'll not be able to join the Saturday group anymore. Most of them are Doud's and his boyfriend's friends. I'll be totally kick out or even been talk bad about from now on. I guess I'll be a guy that blacklisted from everything.
I felt I'm the worst guy ever in the planet living and walking on the surface of the Earth. How can I make such a worst scenario for him and me to be in. I'm such a bastard. I'm totally a bitch. A freaking, bloody idiotic bitch that selfish enough to hurt so many people including myself right now.
Should I try to avoid him a little bit from now onwards? Maybe less meeting him up will be better? Maybe he can make it up back with him and I won't feel that guilty at least? How about try to stop myself thinking much about him? Should I do all that or just remain as normal? I'm so blur right now and hating myself. I'm sucks.
No wonder no guys really likes me. The reason why till now I still have no boyfriend and can't get one because I'm suck. I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm selfish and demanding, I'm a total failure. Maybe that is the punishment I have since that I'm a bitch. Lets wet some pillows and get over it. Just pray that he will be fine. I think I can't ask much more from now.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Crazy Day
It's been really something today. I went with my colleagues for a picnic trip at waterfall today. We meet up for breakfast before car ranch up there together. I was a nice and tiring trip but I'm glad that I managed to organised it and make it a success one. Hopefully everyone does enjoy the trip.
Due to the rain at later in the noon, we have to get pack and leave earlier than expected without even finishing all the food and snacks that we brought along with us for the trip. Anyway, I will be bringing those extra snack back on next week for all of them to enjoy in the office.
After the whole trip, I'm almost half dead because been driving all around. However, my colleagues asked me to hang out, just window shopping and have dinner together. Since my mother not at home for dinner with me, mind as well I eat with them. So I let them bath at my house and get to the mall.
After dinner, Charles called me up for a movie. Ended up catching up a movie at Puchong. Now, I'm like totally dead. I think I really need to rest and gain back my strength for tomorrow if I want to be there for my dance class. Charles has asked me for it already.
I was thinking that could I pre-occupied Doug to catch a movie with me? I mean a movie that yet to be screen. I'm thinking to watch The Socceror's Apprentice. I wonder will he spares his time and watch this movie with me or he unable to, because he will need to watch it with someone else.
Due to the rain at later in the noon, we have to get pack and leave earlier than expected without even finishing all the food and snacks that we brought along with us for the trip. Anyway, I will be bringing those extra snack back on next week for all of them to enjoy in the office.
After the whole trip, I'm almost half dead because been driving all around. However, my colleagues asked me to hang out, just window shopping and have dinner together. Since my mother not at home for dinner with me, mind as well I eat with them. So I let them bath at my house and get to the mall.
After dinner, Charles called me up for a movie. Ended up catching up a movie at Puchong. Now, I'm like totally dead. I think I really need to rest and gain back my strength for tomorrow if I want to be there for my dance class. Charles has asked me for it already.
I was thinking that could I pre-occupied Doug to catch a movie with me? I mean a movie that yet to be screen. I'm thinking to watch The Socceror's Apprentice. I wonder will he spares his time and watch this movie with me or he unable to, because he will need to watch it with someone else.
Friday, June 4, 2010
I Feel So Lonely Now
Feeling lonely is not a strange thing to me. But at times it does makes my day suck. I hate being possessive over something or someone, but the feeling in me just never subside. Thinking that Doug will be meeting up his friends and his boyfriend tomorrow, and being unable to spend more time with me does make me feel lonely a little bit. Probably I can feel it even now. LOL.
Furthermore, Wayne will be going to Sunway with his HK friend. Although he did asked me to join him tomorrow, but thinking of going to Sunway after my gym is killing. The jam and the parking is definitely make my life difficult. I think I will have to be back home and rot till the time I will need to drive my mother back to my grandma's place.
I just feel so down. Unexplainable feeling that is killing me inside slowly. Too many things happened. Unexpected things and stuff, like my superior is leaving the company too. The worst thing is that he tendered later than me but leaving much more earlier than me. I feel like I'm so lost with what I want in life. My love life sucks, my work like sucks at the moment, myself suck.
Furthermore, Wayne will be going to Sunway with his HK friend. Although he did asked me to join him tomorrow, but thinking of going to Sunway after my gym is killing. The jam and the parking is definitely make my life difficult. I think I will have to be back home and rot till the time I will need to drive my mother back to my grandma's place.
I just feel so down. Unexplainable feeling that is killing me inside slowly. Too many things happened. Unexpected things and stuff, like my superior is leaving the company too. The worst thing is that he tendered later than me but leaving much more earlier than me. I feel like I'm so lost with what I want in life. My love life sucks, my work like sucks at the moment, myself suck.
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