I will only be meeting him back again next year. The actual date that he will be back, I am still not sure of it. What I know is that he will be leaving tomorrow, perhaps in the evening. He will be in Japan first then follow by Canada before he stop by Japan again and fly back to Malaysia at last.
He will be having such a long vacation after working so hard for the past few month. I think he really deserve this vacation as he will be pushing himself again next year for his big project, the JASA Eco.
However, I cannot deny that I will be missing him really a lot after he is gone. There will be nobody to go RPM class with me during Saturday. I will be lonely for that few weeks of the weekends. I guess I will have to distract myself with other stuff.
Perhaps I should start reading 'Lost Symbols' or catch up some anime that I borrowed from my colleague. Weekends, perhaps try my luck to call my close friends for lunch or dinner to kill some time.
Till then, I have to wait for him back here. Well, he promised me that he will get me something nice. LOL. I thinking the maple syrup that he mentioned, how is it taste like? What will he be getting for me in Japan? There are so many nice stuff both in Canada and Japan. Only if I'm there and have the cash, I'll get it myself. LOL.
I dedicate this blog to the worst person I ever know, a jerk that makes me realize that such idiotic person really exist on Earth. Some people really can act differently behind your back. This person I am saying is none other than Bryan Chong that I started to hate the most.
It is none of my business what he wanted to do with his love life, whether he wanted to involves in flings, casual sex, one night stand or fool around. However, I cannot stand him make my life miserable as well.
He always delay paying me back the money he owes me, saying that he is financially unstable. However, I got to know that he actually still have the old habit of getting to Genting Highland and gamble in the casino. Since he have the money to gamble, why is he not able to pay me back? He such a jerk.
Other than this, he defames me, saying things like I'm a slut, bitchy, into casual sex, how I betray his love and all sort negative and untrue things about me to his friends and other PLU guys around. Whereas the truth is that he is the one that do all those bad stuff that makes me give up on him.
All my friends and people around that truly knows him and me, including his family and my mother also know his idiotic and disgusting side of him. A gamble of him, an irresponsible person, a man that does not keep his words, an unfilial son and a jerk of him, I really hope that God can do some thing to teach this person a lesson.
He is so disgusting to me that makes me really want to draw a line between him and me. I just hope I can get back what he owes me and make him leave away from my life. I do not want to hear about such a person anymore which makes me life so difficult.
Today, is kinda lonely day for me. It's Saturday, and it suppose to be a day where usually I will be meeting someone important to me and work out together and have lunch together. However, both of us is not feeling so well so we did not manage to meet up.
I'm missing him so much but there is nothing much I can do to ease the feeling of it. I woke up this morning, thinking of him. There has been a break down of electricity around my area since early in the morning around 3.00am till half past eight. Basically I can do nothing to entertain myself to divert my thought on him.
After taken my breakfast, I did text him, asking for his health condition. I have been worrying him so much. I'm glad to hear that his fever subsided but there is still some sore throat. I guess we both have the same condition except for the fever.
Later in the noon, it rains heavily with loud thundering at my area. I was so scared and lost. I have no idea why, I guess it just because I'm chicken-hearted. I did wanted to call him but then I worried that I will disturb him so I choose to text him again. He was having his late lunch with his dad.
Maybe lately, I need someone to be there for me. I do not know how to explain the feeling but then I just hope there is some special person there with me, to be there accompany me. Maybe just a temporary needs only, which makes me feel pretty lonely.
So I have been thinking stupid things. I wonder will he not missing me. Will he forgotten me? Am I no longer attracting to him anymore? I also have no idea. But then that is the stupid thing I am thinking about.
Anyway, all these things I do not really want to care. Because I know, he still have Keith there with him. One day, eventually, he still needs to let me and I need to go my own way. However, for me, meantime, as long as he can spent some time for me, that is enough.
I guess my life really change a lot. To live as a human is not an easy task for me myself already. Living a life as a gay person is even harder at times where you cannot be sure whether you can find someone that you can share your life forever with him or not. I know even straight couple find it hard too.
Well, I have been coughing kinda badly. I do hope that he can call me and ask me how is my condition. At least it will melts my heart a little bit. However, he have not purposely call me for any reason this weekends. Perhaps he is tired, weak or there are some other things bothering him.
I'm staying at home alone the whole day. No one at home with me. Really lonely. I have no mood to go anywhere. I have no idea why after locked myself at home for the whole day, I felt so tired, tired to even more an inch. It is like I am so weak that my body is so heavy. Maybe I am affected by my emotion and feelings.
Dougie is back. I'm pretty suprise when he called me yesterday evening that he already at the Sepang airport. I'm glad at the same time that he is safely back to Malaysia but then we did not talk for long as he needs to call his driver to drove him home.
Anyway, I can feel that he is tired after all the things he gone through for a week in Australia. Furthermore, he needs to call up his boyfriend at the same time as well (that is what I feel but I am not sure whether he did it or not).
I'm eager to meet him as soon as possible, where I did text him this afternoon. He did replied me but I guess he needs some time to adjust himself back to the time zone. Kinda jet lag thingy. So I guess he will not be free for me this evening. It's already almost 7pm.
At first, I thought of having a dinner with him since I miss him a lot lately and wanted to see him so much. However, I do not want him to stress up himself for me. Since he did not text me back now, most probably he is engage with something or someone. I guess I will have to have my dinner alone again this Sunday.
If today he cannot make it for me, I can only hope that he can either make it for me tomorrow or some weekdays where I can meet him after his workout session in Fitness First, The Curve. If things goes worst, then I might need to meet him on the coming Saturday only.
Thinking back of the duration I get to know him, it is already almost coming 4 months. Time passes us shiftly. A lot of things change through time. The are some good and bad things overall. For example we getting closer, knowing each other better, from friend to more complicated relationship, from him reading my blogs often to slightly lesser, etc. It's really an unforgetable experience of life.^^
It's Friday today, and I need not to work tomorrow. I just need to fetch my sister for her ballet class in the evening and my mother to get the grocery tomorrow. My entire Saturday morning seems pretty empty as Douglas will not be going with me to gym and I do not want to be there alone.
Today, my team leader is on leave. However, things still the same for my team. I got back a lot of rework cases but some are due to the error of the checker, where she miscalculated or she misread the claims. Troublesome for me to go through again the cases.
Anyway, since it's after working hour, I think I should leave all this behind and care about it on Monday. LOL. For tomorrow instead, it seems pretty dull for me. Maybe I will be doing some reading or catch up some HK series in Astro. LOL.
On Sunday, I will be attending my dancing class as usual, but after that, I am still having no idea what to do or where to go. This weekends is kinda lost for me as I felt like I have nothing to do. If he is here in KL, I guess I can still hope for him to accompany me for a dinner or so.
I miss him a lot and I guess missing him makes me feel pretty lost as I do not know what to do without him here with me. It's already more than a week I did not see him since last Thursday but I did manage to talk to him for 5 minutes before he boarded his plane and chatted with him on MSN yesterday.
I actually feel bad for him, working all alone there in Sydney and he seems to be overloaded with his work. Although I am tired for myself as well, but I do want to help him massage. Seeing him or hearing him being in such a tiring position makes me feel sad. I know the feeling of soreness of muscle after long over of working.
Lately, I always encounter that, having stiff shoulder that killing me. I still remember he helps me to massage my shoulder and it really relieve the pain so much. However, I have no idea how to do it to myself. Maybe next time I should go for a spa. LOL.
Today, after all the hassle I have gone through last night, I am able to rest at home, but all alone at home. As usual, mother and sister will not be at home including my brother, which he will hang out with his friends. So practically I'm abandon at home alone.
Yesterday I saw Douglas text message telling me that he reached Perth already. I wanted to reply his message but then my Digi phone cannot reach to him and my Hotlink number already out of credit. I have to reply him only this morning.
He replied my message just now only. It is great to hear that he is still good there. Since he can have some time to do some shopping, I guess he still having some fun there. Not bored to death like me at home.
I wanted to watch 2012 movie actually today but then the ticket is sold out till 9pm. Even the later screening also, I will have to sit the first three rows. Furthermore, since I cannot find someone to watch with me, I guess I will not watch it for now.
So today, I actually do a lot of blogging. I blogged on my general blog about the concert I went with my family on Saturday and blog here about my loneliness feeling of being home alone today, Sunday. LOL .
Since there is nothing to do, I think the best thing I can do now is eat and do some reading or watch TV. Since lately I lost weight and have not gain back to 58kg. I'm still lack of 4kg. It always fluctuate between 54 to 56kg. I'm so depressed. So I guess I need more chocolates to do the tricks. LOL. It's chocolate feast time..
Douglas will be going to Australia this coming Saturday noon. I know I will not have the chance to meet him up before he boards the plane. The day before, which is tomorrow, as usual, I guess most probably he will be having dinner with Keith since he will be leaving for a week.
As for me, tomorrow, I might be going to The Curve, joining my ex-course mates for birthday celebration of Melissa. In my mind, I did thought of will I be bump into him? I guess I will have very slim chance on it. If he is going dinner with Keith, most probably they will be at Pavillion.
Even if I am able to meet them for a moment, I guess it would not satisfied me just to say hi and bye just like that. So, most probably we will not able to meet each other till he is back on the following week.
On the day he is boarding the flight, I will need to accomapny my mother to buy some households before joining my god-father and the rest to go Genting. They will be driving us there to catch Andy Hui's and "Sou Weng Hong"'s (I'm not so sure his name) live concert in Genting.
Anyway, I know he will be packing his stuff last minute (just to double confirm his stuff is fully packed) in the morning. Then he will need to rush to the airport early to check in as well. So I guess we will not able to see for 10 days.
Actually the reason why I wrote this blog is I really miss him right now. My mind is running wild on him and I really wanted to call him up at this time to talk to him at least. However, I worry that I will disturb him. What if he is dating with Keith right now? Then I will make a scene which complicating the situation.
There are so many doubts in me that hold me from calling him or even text him. So what I can do is to blog my feeling and hope that it will reduce my heavy feeling. Maybe I will text him tomorrow morning instead. LOL. I just hope that he will have a safe journey to Australia. I will pray for him.
As usual, today is our RPM class in Fitness First every Saturday morning. Today our instructor is replaced by a guy named Gareth if I'm not mistaken. Pretty usual things as it always be, which we went for our lunch together after gym session.
However, some mixed feeling that I sensed it. Douglas is going to Australia this coming Saturday, which means I'll be bored at home and enjoying the time to miss him. LOL. Another thing is that about the his project, which he intended to hire me next year which me myself pretty anxious about it.
Apart from that, some question that he popped out as well makes me think but then at the same time make me having this mixed feeling. I recall back the time where I was at his room talking almost the same issue. We actually came out with something, where if there is a good guy come up to me, perhaps we will no longer clinging in such complex relationship.
Up to now, I still have not meet any guy that seems to be great to me, do not even mention that no guys actually wanted to date me. Well, last month there were 2 'kids' wanted to but I rejected. So the plan still not working.
Anyway, I'm feeling happy seeing him happy. Even at times I do feel jealous that he treats his boyfriend better than towards me but I understand that. Somehow or rather, I felt that I really do not mind what is actually happen as long as I can see him being healthy and happy.
At times I do think, am I being selfish. Of course, I do not have the answer. I do not know am I doing a right thing or a wrong one but I know I am doing what I think I wanted it to be. I really enjoy every Saturday having RPM classes with him and we go for a lunch after that. I enjoy the time that he spents with me.
I know the happiness for me that I am having seems to be borrow from someone without permission. It is pretty hard to explain to others how I really feel and perhaps others will think that this is a stupid thing for me to do.
Well, forget it. The more I think about it would not be getting much better. That is why I choose to let it go and enjoy every moment I'm able to spent with him. My primary objective is to see the one I love happy, healthy and successful. Seeing him meeting up all that, which makes him happy, I'll be happy too.
I'm trying to speak to God in my heart before I sleep that He will help me decide my destiny. I surrender myself to Him, hoping that he will have a better arrangement for me. Well, I'm still not that good in praying, perhaps Douglas can help me with that next time or I'll need to go to church next time. LOL.
I had a nightmare today and it causes me unable to sleep back after that. Imagine that you wake up from a nighmare at 5.30am and you already set your alarm at 6.30am. Meanwhile, you cannot sleep back and wasted that hour rolling on the bed.
I felt frustrating to be rolling on my bed doing nothing, so I ended up reading my magazine at 5.50am. I think it is pretty stupid to do but that is all I can think of. Actually, I did think of other thing as well, which is someone. LOL.
Since I woke up and started to miss that person, I texted him about my having a nightmare and unable to sleep back. Of course he would not reply, he still sleeping like a cutee pig at his bed for sure.
Dougie replied my message around 9am, however I did not bring along that phone with me to work. So I did not notice about it. When I reach back home from work knowing that he actually cares about me and the nightmare I had, it melts me. LOL.
Tomorrow, I am going to meet him up from work out at Fitness First, The Curve again. I can't wait for it to come faster. LOL. Regarding his intention to hire me to work next time, I have no idea why I am so eager for it. I even scanned my certificates and ready to sent to him via email if he confirms with me. If he wants hardcopy, it's ok with me too. LOL.
Today, I meet up with Dougie supposing for the RPM class, however due to heavy traffic, I was late for the class. Ended up, I just utilised the treadmill instead. So I jogged for 20 minutes and rest waiting for Dougie to meet me up.
As usual, he will be scaring me for my back. Well, get when to get some fruit juices and then hit to Shih Lin Taiwan snack for our so-called dinner. I actually had a great time with him. I have no idea why, but then I felt great as long as he is with me.
Now, I'm at home. If not he mentioned about the souvenirs he got me from Hong Kong, I really forget about it. I guess I will have to wait for the next meet up with him before I can get those stuff from him.
I'm actually really glad that he cares about me a lot. I can fell his loves towards me. Although at times I do feel that I does not entirely have him, or perhaps this kind of happiness is like I'm borrowing from someone else, I do feel he is real to me.
I hope that God hears my prayers and grant me my wishes. I just hope that he will be happy in his life as well as I am. I hope nothing bad happen to both of us.
Although not seeing him just 2 days, but I started to miss him already. The last meet up was pretty not satisfactory as in I'm rushing for it and meeting him in the condition where I'm still have not taken my bath and rushing for everything.
The most important thing is that I felt less time spent with him that evening. I really wished that I can be spending more time with him that time. Well, it's already past and I cannot be doing anything about it already.
Seeing him that day really makes me feel much more relax of stressful day during work. The best and sweet moment was that he helps me massage my head since I'm having some headache. I felt so happy and blessed.
However, today my migraine hit back. It cannot be help. Maybe I did not have enough sleep or I did not sleep well. Yesterday, he have a dinner with Keith and it was the day before his flight to Hong Kong. I kind of missing him and worried that he forgets to pack his stuff.
Anyway, that is not the matter now. He did call me today during my work time, and I felt so bad I cannot really talk to him long and showing how much I'm appreciating his effort to do so. Well, all I know now is I do miss him.
I guess I have to sleep early tonight and do not think too much about it. It does not help. All I can do is to wait for him to come back to KL and both of us is free for each other then only we will be able to meet each other. I hope this day can come sooner. I miss his hugs and kisses. LOL.
I guess there is no one reading this private blog of mine as often as it used to be already. Maybe they are busy with their stuff. It's not just this blog but even my general blog also do not have much people reading it. I guess blogging about personal stuff is kinda boring to read for most people.
Anyway, that just a fuss. I mean I'm saying things just as it pops up in my mind. I should be resting right now as tomorrow I still have to wake up early to work. Yes, I got to wake up to work on Saturday, it's an overtime. Anyway, it ain't so bad as my team leader going to treat us lunch after work. It's just a half day work. LOL.
I'm missing someone kind of badly these few days and I have no idea. I guess especially on these two days that he did not call me, I felt so bad. It feels like missing him more and more. Maybe stress from work makes me want him to be there with me, to cheer me up or something.
Maybe I like the feeling to be with him alone. Seeing him paying attention to me or caring me makes me feels like in heaven actually. However, since it's weekdays, I will barely have the chance to see him. Worst, this Saturday I have to work and he have a seminar to attend to. Perhaps Sunday he could spare some time for me and it's just perhaps.
Everyday come home from work, I do feel lonely. I'll just take my bath, then dinner and then just watch TV to relax myself. That's it. The most also like now, do some blogging and check mails. At times, I do feel envy of Keith, at least he have much more time someone spent with him. Whereas for me, I might only have the chance occasionally.
I guess I better do not think too much. Maybe I'm just a bit emotional as kind of feeling lonely. I should be resting and do want to face the laptop so long. Everyday also facing the computer, I'll get phobia with it sometime perhaps. LOL.
私は非常に疲れてい。 (I'm very tired) みんなさん、 おやすみなさい。 (Good night, everyone)
This Saturday, Douglas have a seminar to attend to, thus he cannot make it for the weekly work out session we always have. I felt pretty bad at first because I have no idea what to do in the morning and noon. Today, I guess I know what to do.
Just today, my team leader told us that we might require to work overtime this Saturday. Although I have not confirm with my team leader about this but it seems pretty sure already. They want to clear up all the outstanding claims queue in our system.
So, I have no idea it is a good or a bad news. No idea it is a good fate or a bad one. Yes it does make me having something to do but then at the same time draining my energy. I actually thinking to learn my Japanese this Saturday as Dougie not free for me. I guess I have to adjust my time again.
There are so many things happened yet kinda little time for me to digest everything. Forget about it. It's not that important also. LOL. Now, I have brought some chocolate to my office so that I can eat when I want to, and a mug so that I can make hot chocolate.
Not just snacks and drink, I even carry along a hand cream to moisturise my hand for dryness in air conditioner and Peace of Mind so I can get some peace of mind. The bad thing is it is finish already. Maybe it helps me to prevent migraine till I use it pretty often, ended up finish already.
Anyway, hopefully Dougie will be able to accompany me this Sunday. I really need his companion to shop around with me, not to forget it will be 6 days I did not see him at all. I am thinking to get a pair of jeans or pants and some polo tees or collar tee shirt. Every Friday, it's smart casual attire and I do not have much to wear. I do not feel like wearing the same all the time. It makes me look like wearing uniform or something. LOL.
Last Saturday, as usual, I went to The Curve for gym with Douglas. Anyway, there was no RPM class that day so I recall when I reached there, I went to the pantry area and got some magazine to read while waiting for Douglas after 5 minutes jog.
After Dougie done with his personal training, he did trained me too. I did triceps that day. It's been so long that he trains me already. I kinda miss that feeling that working out with him. Although just simple some work out session, but then it's kinda signature things that I did with him together.
After shower, we went to Bubba Gumps for lunch. It's like usual things that we do. I mean go for a lunch after work out. I hope so much that I'll have all the time like this always. Since this job of mine requires me to work on Saturday if they need me to work over time, I might miss out some Saturdays with him.
That day, it's pretty amazing day for me. We went for dinner as well. He came to pick me up, which is the second time that he droves to my place to picks me up. The feeling is so great. LOL. No idea why having such a serotonin flood on me. LOL.
It's just a simple dinner but then it's an amazing evening. I went to his place to watched football with him. I guess he really have the magical power over me. I never really watch a football match with anyone before, not even my ex-boyfriends. Even my friends ask me to watch with them, I'll be like zombie there, knowing nothing and seem bored.
However, that night, I watched with him till almost the game end on his embrace. It feels so good. I guess he drunk me with his charm already. LOL. I felt a little bad for falling asleep during the last few minutes of the end of the game. I didn't manage to finish the game with him. I guess if I have the chance again, I'll be more alert.
Before I go, which he droves me home, he actually give me a red packet (start job angpow for good luck). I was shocked with the amount that Dougie gave it to me. I will be using it wisely. However, there are kinda a few place I will need to spent, for example to reload my Touch N' Go, to get some working socks, etc. I'm thinking to get some polo tees on Saturday. Hopefully he will be free to shop with me. LOL.
Yesterday, I just upgraded my Fitness First membership to Platinum. It does not cost me any but I just have to recommitted with them for another 12 months. Well, I think I will be using the gym for a long time, so why not? Anyway, it seems no increment on my fees, and I enjoy free towel and some other privileges. So next time I hit the gym, I need not to bring along my
I just heard from my colleague said that I'm still lucky right now. Perhaps I will still enjoy this week or so since I'm still really new and I'm still learning while doing cases. Yes, I am learning through doing and not really training.
The first batch of my colleague, they actually train before they handling cases but for me, I'm learning through doing. So if I do any mistake, then I'm dead. Haiz. Pretty tiring job as in they have target to meet. At least 30 cases to be done in a day.
Today alone, my team leader actually drag 50++ cases for me to handle. Although the cases that I'm handling is the outpatient cases which is simpler. However, I'm pretty confuse with what I am doing. I guess I really need to catch up quickly.
After the some time, I might be just like them have to do OT, which most probably will drag till 7.30pm before I can leave the office. Worst is that if there is plenty of cases to be handle, then we need to work on Saturday to cover up the cases. I guess OT claims should be imposed. I need to verified with my colleague next time.
If Saturday I really need to work, which is a half day, then I'll be missing the chance to meet up Douglas already. I know it will not be always, but I only have Saturday which seems to be he can spent some time with me. If I have to work, then it will be a sad thing. Sunday, he is not free. Even if he can make it, that will be in the evening, which we can have a dinner together only.
I'm pretty worried about myself working now. When I'm jobless, I'm so worried about my financial status. However, not I worried that I cannot perform well. It's like so many things to learn even just day 2 of me starting to work.
Today alone, I have been dealing with 20 medical cases already, although it's the simple ones. However, I deal all of it just after lunch time with some guidance here and there. I wonder next time, how many cases I need to deal daily.
I'm still blur with the system and when to use which key or which one to be select for each cases. I know I'm a pretty slow learner. I hope that I will be able to manage the task given to me next time.
Financially pretty tight right now. I have to be really save and minimize my lunch expenses. Hopefully I can last till next month. For now, I do not want to think about it since I'm getting no where near. LOL.
My job have been never easy, or I should say the job I'm applying for is never easy on me. I have to go through a lot of difficulties and hard time before finally seeing some hope in it. Been delaying my intake because of my medical report and required me to go for further check up at the Institut Respiratori Negara for almost 2 months.
Finally, now the results is out but still have some complication. I guess I have to ask my supervisor for a day leave for me to apply my medical report from the Institut Respiratori Negara, which will be costing me RM40. Luckily Douglas helping me up with the charges or else I have no idea how am I going to survive.
This coming Monday will be my official intake to the company. Hopefully I can do my best and the medical report issue can be settle as soon as possible so that I need not to worry about it anymore. If they can actually raise up my salary or even promotion in the future, that will be the best.
Meanwhile, I just have to focus on my current situation. I have to save some money for myself for emergency usage, paying back my mother, and to be able to treat Douglas for helping me out in so many way and I guess some in case of friends going to ask me for a treat since I get my first pay.
I wonder will I make it for all that. I have been thinking a bit about my current financial status whether I can survive this month for transportation and food while working, and the financial arrangement of my salary next time. There are so many things I need to be care of and some how makes me kind of angry with my brother which not being helpful at all.
I'm thinking to help up my mother but then my brother is not helping at all. That's pissing me off. I wonder how this pathetic brother of mine will change. I cannot always be the one who cares for the family only. He should be helping me too. He is the eldest. At times, I'm pretty tired of his attitude and the situation at home. I hope I can able to own a house next time and need not to care about him.
The family belong to all of us. Why have to be my mother and I to care most and he being a "parasite" without actually contributing a little for the family? Some simple thing, for example like helping out to save electricity and cleanliness of his own room also he cannot make it. Better not talk more about it. The more I talk about it, the worst my mood become. Too much bad habit of his to talk about.
I called up the panel clinic (Chong's Dispensary) this morning and they told me they already prepare for me the letter. I was so impressed and I almost cannot believe it. I mean I just called and they already prepared the letter for me, which means that they also concern about my case.
Thank God and praise God. Thank Dougie for praying for me all this time. I'm going to take the letter from the clinic soon and then pass it to the HR department, Level 24, Menara AIA. Hopefully they will inform me when I can start working.
Oh God, I'm so anxious about it. Hopefully things goes on smooth all the time from now. I'll update this later when I get the conformation from AIA. I think I gotta change right now and prepare for the new life. LOL. I mean to settle all of these. ^^
Worrying about my medical report tomorrow. A lot of different yet mixed feeling that I am having at the moment. I just cannot explain, not even here. Maybe even I do not know what is actually I am feeling.
Forget about today. Today is great, been out almost the whole day. I went to The Gardens, not having a date but a meet up with a friend called James. It's pretty boring actually. Then went to Keith's graduation fashion show. I do meet up some of his friends but I guess I'll would not have the chance to bump up with them again (at least not so soon).
Anyway, the fashion show was not bad, but then I felt a bit outcast. Luckily Douglas was there with me almost all the time. If not, I felt far more worst I guess. I know almost no one there (except Keith and Douglas but Keith have his show to carry on). So out of place I felt.
So put aside today, tomorrow will be another challenge of my life, to face with my medical report that I have no idea why I am so nervous and scared about it. I gotta get the report at noon, maybe need to sent the result to the panel clinic (company's panel), then gotta get a birthday cake for my mother. It's her birthday.
Forget about it. No point thinking about it now and scaring myself. I guess I have to rest early and face anything that is up for me tomorrow. I hope God bless me and people do pray for me. I need all of your blessing.
The day after tomorrow, my medical report will be out. I'm really worried although I think I should not be. I'm feeling as healthy as anybody else except for the migraine previously. As the day come closer, I felt happy yet scare. Happy because I might clear up stuff and start working but scare if anything goes wrong.
I do not know why but I cannot stop thinking him. I hope he is here with me to hugs me and whisper to my ear saying everything is going to be okay and that he will be there by my side to kiss me good night to give me some strength to face the day ahead.
Tomorrow, I'm going to meet him up at Pavilion to attend Keith's graduation show at J.W. Marriott Hotel. I have no idea what I should be wearing for the day and worst is, after the show, the very next day I need to take my medical report. It's my mother's birthday at the same day. Feeling a bit congested with so many things to handle in just 2 days.
It's not really a lot of things to handle but then the feeling of handling those stuff. I have no idea what I am saying here but then just feel really scare and lonely. I know God is there for me, but then I hope He can sent me a physical figure to be there for me. I know He did and He will do it. But He will need to test my faith.
He is the nightmare in my life and why if he always haunt me like ghost when I'm about to froget about him. This stupid Bryan Chong Theck Foo, I really started to hate him. I know hating someone is really hurtful, that is why I choose to forgive him. But why is he so pathetic and irritating?
If not because he owes my mother and me money, I do not want to talk to his jerk, do not mentioned about meeting him again. I do not know why today he suddenly pop up and talk to me. After missing for so long where I cannot even reach to him asking him about the money that he owes us, now he appears again asking about me.
Then telling me he have a boyfriend now and that he is going to Johor for vacation or something like that. When I talk about money, then he says he is not feeling so well and do not want to talk already.
He is such a jerk that I cannot imagine. He can spent money go to Johor for vacation, but cannot even pay back my mother and I, little by little. It's been almost a year that he owes us already. I've been asking him about it since last year December.
I really out of words that I can express how angry and disappointed on him. I really starts to think why on Earth that give me that chance to know him. If I never know him before, maybe my life is more beautiful. At least I need not to be hurt so badly last time and heart bleeds like hell.
If he is not owing me anymore money, I really want to forget about this person totally. I do not mind deleting all his contacts and erase him from my memory. Do not want to deal with such a jerk anymore. I'm really tired of it.
I post a similar blog in my general blog. However some details is not included in there. So it will be posted here instead. I really want to thank Dougie for his little gift (the Japanese course book) so that I can self study at home. It really make me not that bored at home.
Maybe I'm a bit too excited, I read it most of the time, and try to memorise the hiragana, katagana and kanji characters. Ended up getting migraine hit back. I just try the "Peace of Mind". If it gets worst, then I will take the drug.
Hopefully next time when I am able to finish this book, I will be able to read some Japanese stuff. Then maybe that time I need to search for Japanese storybook or novel and dictionary to further improve my Japanese language. LOL.
For English wise, I think Dougie do not mind correcting me whenever I make a mistake. LOL. Now, I just have to wait for everything to go smooth and in the right order. Next week the medical report will be out. I'm kind of nervous. I hope God will be there for me and bless me. ^^
It's not that it is really first time I have been drinking while taking my dinner (only if you count those wedding dinner where I drink those from a small glass and I cannot even finish it). However, it is really my first time drinking on a dinner date and I drink almost 300ml of it from the 500ml glass.
I actually felt drunk during the dinner. I was a bit floating when Douglas talking to me. The feeling like I'm floating with him there with me. LOL. It is a great experience and luckily I'm not drunk dead. I bet my face was a red as tomato. When the time we about to leave, I'm actually a bit better, which is not so drunk already.
I think I should improve my drinking a little bit, or else next time if I drink a lot, I need Douglas to be my driver. LOL. I never know drinking and enjoying dinner is kinda great experience. Although I do not hate drinking, but I do not drink often. Maybe because I think it is expensive so I cannot afford to have such hobby. LOL.
Today, Dougie got me a Japanese Course book. I'm so excited. Now, I can improve my Japanese and would not be so boring at home doing nothing. He is pretty sensitive and caring. We did talk about Christianity tonight. I do hope is Him sending him to me, maybe because I behave as a good boy. LOL. Sounds like Christmas gift to me by Santa or make God seems like a Santa.
I'm slightly drunk, do not know what actually I'm trying to say also. The main point is, I'm happy today. Hope meeting him soon again. Muakz^^
I have no idea what am I feeling right now. A bit confusing kind of feeling so I decided to write it down here. Today, I just went to pay up my road tax, which cost me RM70 with additional of RM2 for the stamp duty I guess. Then I get my car wash because it is super dirty.
The whole morning felt a bit bored, although I did help out my mother taking care the babies before I went out to do those things I mentioned earlier. Then after I get back home, I cleaned my room. But the weather today kinda cloudy, rain for 10 minutes then remain cloudy most of the time. I guess this kinda weather makes my mood similar to it. LOL.
Cleaning up my room already taken me almost 3 hours. However the feeling of your own room getting cleaner is pretty good. After my dinner, my brother bothering me to burn him a CD. I think that is pretty my whole day already.
After all the things I that I have done and sit down here in front of my laptop while listening to music and enjoying the chocolate Douglas get it for me, I realise some absolute loneliness. Although my mother downstairs, but she is busy watching TV. My sister at her room doing her homework and online. My brother is no where to be seen at home. I feel pretty stuck in my room doing nothing much.
I bite on the chocolate and my mind wondering someone else. I think the "Peace of Mind" pretty good, it does make me relax but at the same time makes me thinking someone. Maybe it's just that I'm lonely at my own room.
At times I come to thinking, do I really have a lot of friends? I do not think so. I prefer quality friend than quantity. In my MSN list, there is over 300 people (including my cousins, primary school mates, secondary school mates, university course mates and PLU friends), but then almost none that I can chat with. Less than 20% people online and out of that 20%, only like 4% is available but then nothing much can chat with them.
All also seems busy. They also have their life to go on. Maybe I'm kinda introvert person too. I do not hang out much with large group (maybe because I felt that will cause me to overspent) and I do not like going out alone. So ended up alone at my own room.
So I guess I'm a person that really need someone to be there for me, to love me and to spent time with. Or else, I'm pretty lonely most of the time. I'm lucky that I have not develop self isolation yet.
Anyway, Douglas kind of the best thing happen to me, and I glad that I met this great man in my life. At least he makes my life more lively. Most weekends if without his companionship, I guess I'll be even more lonely at home. Maybe I'm just missing him right now. Better think of nothing now and rest early today. ^^
Up to now, Dougie really help me a lot. I cannot imagine what will happen if he is not here for me and help my go through the hard time I am having now. I felt so blessed knowing him. It must be the blessing from God. Maybe he is my little angel. LOL.
Well, those money that he gave it to me, I had it sort out this way. Bank in some to my account for Fitness First fee next month. Then use up RM50 for my medical consultation due to migraine two days ago, RM60 to pay my Digi phone bill, RM70 for my road tax and I just pump petrol which cost me RM50.
I cannot imagine I almost use up all my money. I guess I cannot be buying much thing for myself to pamper myself as what Dougie asks me to do so. However, I really felt relief from the financial constraint I am having previously. At least I settle most my liabilities.
About the dream that I had recently, I guess I either think too much of him or perhaps I am too bored and wanted to hang out so I dreamt about him and me going vacation else where. Although I have no idea where is the place we are at in my dream but then it seems pretty nice. It's either at the beach side or on a yacht. There is a few things I can remember of my dreams but then kinda blur yet funny.
Anyway, I'm still in between of believing Christianity and Buddhism. If I'm believe in Christianity and if Jesus or God came to me, I really want to thank Him to grant me his servant, which appear to be my angel, guiding me through the hard time. I felt being love in so much way, although we cannot be couple, but still it's more than I can ask for. Thank you God and his little servant, Dougie ~ XD
I'm too tired to post it yesterday so I decided to write it down today instead. Yesterday was a great day for me. We went to The Curve to work out. I did a little running and the join the RPM class with Douggie.
After the gym session, we went to Bubba Gump for lunch and it's a great lunch for me. No idea why, maybe the food taste good and the feeling of having lunch with him is great. LOL. We went back to his place after the lunch and a little shopping for Keith's graduation show. What I did there with him I'll not be writing it down. LOL.
Anyway, Douggie, I hope you would not feel bad about things happened yesterday. I had a great time there. Thanks for the "gift" that I have no idea when you managed to stuff it into my pocket. It will be really life saving for me. I do not know how to thank you furthermore. Give you a big kiss here. "Muaks"
Reached home yesterday and I have to drive my sister for her ballet class and my mother to the bank to withdraw some money as she also no more money. LOL. Then drove them home and I went out with Charles for a drink with his friend, named Theresa. I managed to make him treat me but then he made me a driver. So my petrol is gone but at least I need not to pay for the food and drink.
Yesterday kinda tiring already. This morning went to gym with my friend, Chee Yuen and it will be the last time we going to gym together. He is going to Germany to pursue his degree next week. So adding with the work out session this morning, I'm totally dead. LOL. All muscles are like not mine anymore.
Migraine hit back this morning. I did try the "Peace of Mind" and it helps me to relax but not the pain. I guess I'm going to pop in the pills later in the noon after my lunch. Tonight, no idea what I am going to eat. If Douggie is free tonight, I do hope to have a dinner with him. If not, I guess I have to get my own food and eat alone at home. "Sob Sob"
I have no idea why today I feel a bit lonely. Maybe I should put it this way, I do feel lonely most of the time but then I was not so bad or I barely thinking about it. However today, I felt slightly more lonely from afternoon till now.
This morning, I went to Fitness First to work out. I did biceps and abs today. Then after work out, I did went for "so call gathering" singing karaoke session with my old secondary mates in Redbox, IOI Mall. One of them is going to Germany next week for study, so this might be the last outing. It's hard for me to say "NO" to them, so I went for it and luckily it's just RM10++.
So I gotta be taking care of my expenses more carefully, maybe save here and there. LOL. So basically, today after my work out session and the singing session, I spend RM13++ (including the parking fee). The rest of the time, I'm home except for consultation of my migraine which cost me RM50.
The more I wanted to save, the worst it become at times for me. No idea is it some kind of curse of me or what. LOL. Anyway, I just felt lonely maybe because I felt I'm all alone when I'm not feeling so well. I do not know who to call to, who to talk to, or is there anyone there to take care of me (exclude my mother please, I do not mean family kinda care).
It just some kinda feeling that I am having. Maybe I miss the feeling of being pamper and care by a boyfriend or lover when I need him. Maybe I also miss the feeling of me playing to get attention and to pampered my love ones. Listening to song alone at my own room with my candles lighted, salt lamp and some dim light on, romantic setting, comfortable bed, only thing lack is a perfect man laying by my side. LOL.
Have you experience wet dream before? Personally, I don't get it often. I think different people have different experience of wet dream. Some may have it often, some maybe like me once awhile (or once in the blue moon), or some may never experience it before.
I have no idea why I did have it this morning. What makes me think about it is because I dreamt about Dougie. I mean I used to have it with imaginary person (like you just saw someone with a body but you can't see his face that kind) but this time I dreamt about him. I really saw his face.
Gosh, I can't imagine I really dreamt about him. Well, as I said it's wet dream (and I don't know why I had such a dream about him), it's like so real to me. Maybe I had the experience doing it with him before so it makes it looks so real. I can't reckon the place we are in but it's definitely looks like heaven to me.
It caused me feel kinda horny this morning. It's like I wanted to have it with him but I know I got to control myself. I can't be have one night stand with who so ever. So I guess it's kinda annoying (I mean it's like I hate myself now being so horny, feels like I'm so slutty now for sex but then just thinking about someone only).
Maybe I'm too high that he called me last night. It's kinda a surprise call for me. I mean rarely he will be calling that late hour and chatted with me for a period of time. It's like he is missing me and wanted to talk to me, that's why he is calling. So my mind, is like running all about him, and maybe I'm kinda in need, turns out having such a dream. LOL.
Today might be the best evening I had in this week. After driving my mother to my aunt's cafe to have brunch, and later to my grandmother's place, I drove back home with my sister and brother after dropping my cousin at The Gardens. Then I just wait for the time for my brother to get back home later after he brought his stuff and I'll be meeting Dougie.
I met him up at The Gardens and today is a perfect for me to be 'dating' or having some personal time with him alone after so long. It's really amazing for me. We went to Starbucks before going for out dinner at DELIcious, one of Dougie's all time favourite place. Well, no matter where he chooses, I never complains as eating with him is the best thing.
I had a great evening, spending my quality time with him. I can talk to him almost anything without worrying Keith is around. Maybe the only thing I care is I speak something bad which complicating the situation I am in.
I know Dougie had a hard time too trying to make me happy at the same time or focusing on his work and sparing his time for his boyfriend. That's why I never complain to him of him not spending enough time for me or what. All I wanted is he got all his happiness he wanted and meanwhile, I can share his happiness.
He actually is a good man. He does really show me that he cares for me, not like my ex-boyfriend, Bryan, which I personally think that he is a jerk. I don't want to mention him here. I know he always wanted me to settle with or find a decent man to be with rather to be clinging with him which does not benefits me. He don't want to be unfair for me. I know it.
I will try to find someone decent. Meanwhile, before that I found this man, I just hope that I can love the man I truly love currently, not demanding for him to be with me or give me any special status.
Somehow I felt in the corner of my heart, I'm so lucky to meet him. I do feel that he changes my world a lot, broaden my thought and open my heart to many different things. What's more is I feel that this very man will be always in my heart, my memory and even in the future, he will be there for me somehow or rather. I hope, no matter what, no matter what status we will turn out to be, we will still there for each other.
And here, I want to thank you for helping me up in my financial. It's like the most luckiest thing that is happening to me besides all the unlucky moments I'm having so far. Well, I'm always not that lucky but then I appreciate what I've learned throughout all these moments that I have gone through. I really appreciate all those people that help me go through all this bad time.
Today as usual I met with Dougie for the RPM class at 11am. The instructor today seems pretty crazy as she is so hyper and pushed us to the maximum. Well, I still enjoy it (a little insane to be enjoying it).
We then drove to Mid Valley for lunch as we gotta meet up with Keith. I know Dougie you will be reading this soon but I don't want to hide stuff in this blog as this blog is for me to voice out my heart and to release whatever I want (which I can't or don't want to be posted in my general blog). I did feel a bit disappointed as we don't have some private time spending together. However, I still enjoy the lunch today with you and Keith.
Today Dougie brought me a pack of hot chocolate. When I reached home, my mother wanted to get those grocery and I was with her getting it. Then she brought hot chocolate again and the hot chocolate here is way cheaper (a few ringgit) than that we get in Cold Storage.
Actually lately I'm so broke. Well, I guess everyone knows it (at least most my friends did). I remember chatting with Keith previously, and he asked me why am I planning to borrow some money from friends and not my mother. I have been borrowing so much from her lately, and I don't want to trouble her too much.
Now, I just calculate my financial status. It's like liabilities are greater than the assets I have now (duh, it's kinda obvious). The things that getting my head are the phone bills and Fitness First fee next month. I'm starting to feel the debts I'm having around my neck and I have no idea when it will drown me. I hope that money can fall from sky for me right now, even just once. LOL.
Well, it's not that perfect anyway and it's not really a disaster I guess. LOL. I just thought that this title seems pretty good. Well, today is Thursday, and I know Dougie must be super busy with his work. I chatted with him on Tuesday and he told me that he needs to handle 3 persons task alone. I feel bad unable to help him anything.
Anyway, yesterday he suppose to be watching movie with Keith but I wonder did they really go for it or they went for late show? I saw Keith's shout out in Facebook and Dougie was online (although the status is busy). I wonder what is happening. He didn't reply my message in MSN so I have no idea.
Anyway, the so call "perfect disaster" now is someone is hitting on me (and I don't mean Dougie). This young little guy and I really mean young as he is just 19 years old this year. I don't get the click with him yet and I don't think I will. Too young to have the secure feeling.
Well, Dougie still occupies a lot of space in my heart perhaps making me unable to fill in someone else that easily. Maybe if I found someone that is much more secure (preferably around my age to slightly elder than me) will be better. It's not like I'm not going to love Dougie anymore. Just I have to love him till the extent that I'm able to let him go. It's too deep it seems and I'll explain it next time.
Anyway, I think the most disastrous part will be financial. Today I need to go for my Hepatitis A booster vaccination. Well, it's not like I'm having Hepatitis A. It's just a booster vaccination to boost up the immune system for it because my Hepatitis immunization is getting low since my blood check on May this year. I'm actually borrowing some cash from my mother this morning. Gosh, I guess I'll need financial help real soon.
Today Dougie is back to KL. I was amaze that when he text-ed me that he is in the airport. The less expected is that he asks me to meet him up for a drink at The Curve. I've been rotting at home for such a long time already.
I did agreed to meet him up even though I have to reject a net friend that I know from Axcest for a drink this evening near my area. I don't know why I prioritize him so much more than anyone else.
So I meet him up at Starbucks (I didn't realize that my contact lens dried up and fall off until when I started driving to meet him up). Seeing him all in black and he helped me order a hot chocolate while he drinks his boyfriend's all time favourite, iced shake lemonade.
It's amazing that I can see him again. Actually I wanted to hug him tight for a longer period when he did in my car when we about to get home. However, I know it's getting late and he is tired. I guess I have to hold on my feeling and hope to see him again later, probably this Saturday morning if possible.
It's his birthday today. I wonder why I remember it so clearly. Well, I do not know what time he is been born but I still know the date. LOL. I did wish him on Facebook, but then that is all I can do there. So I decided to dedicate a post in my blog here to him (of course not in my primary blog as that is not meant to touch anything related to my PLU life or love life at this moment).
I want to say sorry (although I do not know why) for not celebrating your birthday with you this year. You are not here in Malaysia, but I guess you will have a lot of fun in London celebrating with your friends or family. I hope it is not alone there.
When you get back, I bet Keith will be dying to celebrate with you too. Kinda belated birthday kinda celebration. I guess he already get you your birthday present as previously he asked me for opinion (I did not give any good opinion to him). I wonder what he will get for you this year. Anyway, I'm suck, I cannot manage my own finance, so I did not get him anything. Yes, I do feel really bad.
I do hope he enjoys his time there and his birthday, it is once in a year. Actually I should not be worrying about him not enjoying it anyway. I bet it will be a great birthday to him this year. Keith will be there for him.
He will be back on the 14th (Monday) of this month, which he told me earlier on (no idea if there is any changes). I guess I'll most probably meeting him up on the 19th, which on Saturday. The day he gets back here, definitely he need to rest. Tuesday till Friday, he most probably need to accompany Keith, except if Keith is busy, then perhaps I'll meeting him soon. Or else, Saturday seems more like it to be meeting him after 2 weeks of not seeing him at all.
Yesterday evening, out of my expectation, he did chatted with me on MSN. I was really happy actually at that time. However, after a few conversation, he told me something. Well, it does reminds me on what we agreed earlier on, which is slowly let go of this relationship.
He told me that we should not have any intimacy going on next time (maybe except for the kisses and hugging) cause he felt guilty every time we did it. I do not feel good either but then it's not easy to resist when you with someone you really love. So self control or abstinence is part of my routine with him right now.
It's not going to be easy for me. We as human have needs I guess. Of course, I would like to do with only the man I like or love and not just anybody or else I can just hired a whore to do it. That's not the point I'm talking about. LOL. At least he still have Keith, he can still have it with him (even can imagine having it with me while doing it with him - just my silly thought). For me, how?
I mean of course I enjoy having sex with him that makes me wanting to do it with him right? Not to mention that I love him. So this sex avoiding stuff may be a part of letting go this relationship. Well, I have the feeling it will come anyway, but I have no idea it hurts too. I thought it will at least hurt the very less which almost feel nothing.
I come across someones journal, and I think a phrase he mentioned there is really true. If you have less expectation then you would not feel so bad when you did not get it what you expect. What if you do not expect anything, any small thing will be a blessing or gift. I already try my best to put as minimal expectation I can. I should be focusing back on what I really want, which is he will be always happy.
I come across the song "I'm Not Missing You" by Stacie Orrico earlier. I hope I can sing that but just not like her situation that breaking up or heartbreaking moment. Just that I hope I do not miss him so much that I barely thinking anything else already.
I have no idea how am I so in love with him. My friend say that too to me. He just get to know this blog of mine. He told me that he also can feel that I'm so happy with him although I'm not his boyfriend at this moment.
Anyway, I do not want to care so much as long as I'm happy with him then okay already. Let time decide for me what will be our future and the future that awaits for me.^^
The conversation I had with Keith last night still bothers me a little. Throughout the conversation, I'm hiding things and lying. I mean those regarding Douglas and me. I also don't know what to believe in him. There are some that he told me seems matching with what Douglas told me but some seems more details. Sounds like Douglas is a little nasty to him in the past.
This makes me feel like I'm so much more worst to make things worsen. He told me that he pray that Douglas not to have real sex with someone else, and I did it. It really makes me feel guilty but then thinking back about it, I mean when with Douglas, I'm doing it because I love him too. Confuse kind of feeling.
It's like he is somehow cursing me (maybe a little bit indirectly) that my legs will be broken if I lied to him. Gosh, I'm lying all the time with him (not all the time but then things about Douglas and me to Keith). If I believe in curses, then I'm dead. Furthermore he makes me swear for it. It's really scary for me.
Anyway, he make me swear that what ever we talked about last night stay there. I can't share with people especially with Douglas. I'm too scare to be keep all to myself. I can't blog it in my pioneer blog as Keith may read it too. Posting it here, I know Douglas you will read it. So please do not mention this thing in front of Keith.
Like what you commented in my previous blog, play cool with it. Take it as you did not know about all this. I just hope to forget it as soon as possible. I hope that you are here with me some how to cheer me up too.
That part where he told me, "myb i shud stop ths relationship.. all bcuz of u.. haiz.. u guys shud being together.. bless u guys.." I'm so scare but I do have a small evil joy for a second then back to reality I know it's gonna be worst. I mean the evil joy of he saying that we (Douglas and me) should be together and he less us. I know he would not. Maybe he is testing me some how.
I do not know how is it one day when he finds out about our relationship. I do not know how to react if you ask me now. Anyway, he did say one thing last night. "Love is a game, people cheat and it's all depends on how they don't get caught cheating or doing it". Well, it sounds sad for me too. That makes me felt worst cause I'm having a small part of his boyfriend. I need some one to tell me, am I actually a jerk right now. I love you Douglas and I scares to hurt anyone. I hope you are here with me, at least I'm not dealing this alone.
I wanna post this here not to meant for anyone to read but to release myself or else I can't sleep. It freaks me out very much. I promised not to tell anyone but does not mean I can't post it. If you guys happen to read it, please just forget about it.
Douglas, I'm scared. I don't know how already. If you read this, can you please please please treat it as nothing ever happened? I don't want things getting much more complicated. If I meant to be lose you, I'll accept my fate and not getting unbearable moment or situation. I do not want to make enemy with Keith.
Below are the conversation between Keith and me:
Keith says: did he tried to hook up with u?
Terence says: wat a question?
Keith says: juz tell
Terence says: no la
Keith says: izzit the truth?
Terence says: i'm so skinny, ugly sum more, i cant beat his ex la..
Keith says: u din answer me
Terence says: u are more fashionable than me, u think he likes me meh?
Keith says: i dunno..he like skinny guy answer me la
Terence says: no la.. told u d ma
Keith says: u swear?.. if u telling lie...ur both leg patah.. swear la oo..u telling lie.. haiz.. i knew it
Terence says: dun worry la.. he will not be with me de la.. ok? happy ?
Keith says: tat;s not my concern.. he tried to hook up with u b4.. haiz
Terence says: no la
Keith says: sad sad sad
Terence says: maybe playing flirting got la.. never hook me up la..
Keith says: watever la..
Terence says: hey, dun think too much la
Keith says: myb i shud stop ths relationship all bcuz of u.. haiz
Terence says: he is urs, means it's urs de la
Keith says: u guys shud being together
Terence says: u make me sound like i;m bad guy d
Keith says: bless u guys
Terence says: hey.. u kiddin me right ? dun scares me wo
Keith says: i'm serious..
Terence says: u guys are mean to be together, not me oh god.. pls tell me that u kiddin i'm getting really worried now hey, i dun mean to make things get worst
Keith says: no la..
Terence says: i dun wan later doug blame me for losing u
Keith says: this prob always exist.. u juz the flash point
Terence says: am i causing you guys not happy?
Keith says: no la.. i causing u guys unhappy
Terence says: if u jealous because of my existance, then let me know
Keith says: hahahahahahahahahaha... damn funny la u..
Terence says: u scaring me right now
Keith says: u scare wat la.. i'm totally kidding
Terence says: oh gosh, u freaking me out
Keith says: he flirts with everyone he can get,,, he juz can't keep his hands off..
Terence says: hey, now i when u telling me the truth when u lying d
Keith says: don worry la.. i still like doug la.. won over tat fast... at least when he got back from uk.. btw.. promise me don tell doug i tell u this kind of thing... plzzz..
Terence says: fine..
Keith says: u promise? if u tell then kaki will patah o..
I write this blog here instead of my pioneer blog because I do not want her to read it. I do not want to make things worst. However, she is getting much more annoying now. I told her before that I do not have the money previously when I was thinking to join the direct selling she is talking about. Currently, I'm not interested anymore as I analyst it myself, I'm not that sales kind of person.
She has been calling me for so many times and I told her that I'm not joining as I do not have the cash and I'm not interested at this moment. She keeps on telling me to give her my contact list so she can help me analyst my potential customer or down lines. But how am I going to come up with RM700++ for that stupid direct selling which I'm not interested in working it at all. Is not it wasting my money and time?
I have been telling her so much and I felt at times that she is stalking me. For example that day, she wanted to drive me to her direct selling company to listen (0r brainwashing me) to their selling programs, etc. because she said that she notice my car in in front of my house. So I must be at home. OMG. I just do not know how to get rid of her. She is irritating to me. Worst than those insurance sales person.
Anyway, I did get some feedback from Douglas. It seems he is pretty busy like I presumed. He barely have the time to online and worst, he forget to bring his cellphone charger along with him to UK. So he turn offed his phone and that's why I unable to reach him via cellphone. It's difficult to get to him through the net as well and the time difference.
I wonder how am I going to call him on his birthday. I was thinking to call him that day at evening (roughly in the morning for UK) to sing him a birthday song to surprise him. It seems my plan is down the drain. Even though I have his UK number now, but I'm not sure what time I can call him. I worry I'll disturb him (either his sleep or when he is working).
This Saturday is his big day. I wonder will he able to answer my call if I call him. Maybe I should be more confident in him. I mean I think he would not be angry even I did disturb him a little due to my intention is good right? ^^
I've been waiting for his call or message for these past few days. However, I just got his love point for Axcest today instead. I try to call his Maxis number but can't get to him at all. His UK number less a digit, so I can't get to him too.
He did not online in MSN or Skype. The only thing I see him that makes me know that he is still there was he did online in Axcest. But then I send him several messages but then no reply I get from him. I guess maybe he is busy with something there. I'm so missing him but then I really have no more idea how to get to him already.
In my blog here, I also have no idea whether he did read it or not. He did not leave any comment or reply me regarding what I wrote here. It's either he have not read it yet or he did not leave any message here at all. I really hope to hear from his real soon. There will be another 4 more days to his birthday and 6 more days before he coming back to KL.
It's been two days that I have not contacted him or rather I have no news about him. The very last thing I remember now are he called me around 10.00pm telling me he is in airport and waiting for his flight at 11.30pm. Due to the line was bad, he text me telling me that he will text me when he get to UK. Other than that is the comment he left me yesterday midnight, around 2.00am on my blog site.
Anyway, for now I have not receive any news from him. I guess he must be safely reach UK and might be busy with his stuff. I just hope he can reply my message or comment in my blog. At least I feel he is still there. LOL. I miss him so much.
I really cannot wait to hear from him again. I have the eagerness to call him and say hi. But then I worry I will disturb him. Dare not to annoys him. I'm wondering what is he doing there now. I'm kinda miss him right now. Being thinking of him all the time today.
This morning, I went for my dancing class. I have been looking at my phone so check out whether he did text me or not. Then when I get home, I turn on my laptop and check out whether he is online or not. Then now, same thing but then maybe he is just busy or the time difference make it hard to bump into him.
I guess now it is 4.31pm at UK but here already 11.31pm. If he will be online at 6.00pm later, here will be 2.00am, most probably I'm asleep like a pig already. Next morning, it's midnight for him, probably he is sleeping as well. Hope my luck to be able to talk to him as soon as possible. I really want to hear his voice, and the best I can see him as well. LOL. Greedy me ^^
At last, he did post a comment in my previous blog (I Had The Worst Period Ever). The most encouraging message there is, "I will miss you and I can't wait to see you when I'm home. Love you". It really melts my heart away with it.
I will rise again one fine day. So now as my mother also understand how I feel, she told me to take it easy. She asked me to take it as another month of vacation period. LOL. I guess this is my most broke vacation I am having right now. I'm freaky broke right now, can only stay at home most of the time and dare not to spent more than RM30 per week.
I really miss you, Dougie. I know you will miss me and I really hope that you really can make it for me this time to see me when you get back to KL. I really hope your hugs calm me down and your kisses can kiss my pain away. I've been waiting for any of your reply from this morning. However, I guess due to jet lag, you might need some time to rest before getting to me.
I just want you to know, I'm missing you right now, right here and dying to see you as soon as possible. I really hope I can be by your side right now but I can't. It's also okay, giving you some personal time to enjoy with your parents later. I just hope to see your smile again. LOL.
I wonder now how am I going to contact you. Should I text you to your Maxis number or the +4478787XXXX? Is it fixed line or mobile line? I text you this afternoon but then you didn't reply me. Hope to hear from you soon. ^^
I posted an old Chinese song titled, "Qi Qing Liu Yu (七情六欲)". I found that the chorus part kinda sing my feeling somehow.
"给你的心不要你还, 痛不要你偿。陪你走过一段, 七情六欲全都品尝" (I give him my heart, does not need him to repay me. My pain does not need him to go through it. Accompany him go through "Seven emotions and six sensory pleasures" kind of journey). This really true. I love him, and although being as a third party, the pain I'm going through (although he too have the troubles in maintaining both of us), I need not him to go through. Even just a short one month we have being together, I really go thought a lot with him.
"爱你的苦不要你扛, 泪不要你挡。七情六欲打翻。笑著哭哭著笑去想, 你的模样。 (Loves you but not wanting you to shoulder painstakingly, the tear does not want you to keep off. The seven emotions and six sensory pleasures overturn. Smiles during crying and while smile again, thought that your appearance - [kinda direct translation]). Well, this almost true. However, I do want him shoulder to cry if I can. Even everything really overturn one day, I guess I'll still recall his everything. I might be crying yet smiling at the same time.
So for now, I just hope to treasure every moment I have with him not matter what. Any time he can spare just for me is really a gift. I know I'll get jealous at times when he need to spent with him boyfriend. I guess this is the only time I'm loving someone so much that I don't mind being third party. Really feel like Celine Dion song, "The Power of Love".. LOL..
I felt like bad luck is chasing me somehow. Yesterday I'm down, I thought today wake up, go for swimming at Bukit Jalil will freshen me up. It really did and makes me throw forget all the unhappy moment of last night. However, nightmare have not yet gone for me.
Just now, I received a call from AIA Shared Services again. They told me that the clinic called them again and told them they can't confirm my test until my final culture test to be develop (which will be in the first week of October). So they had to delay my intake to the company. Gosh, I really felt like a big stone fall upon me. Hardly breath anymore, really sad and I want to cry so much. What on Earth is happening to me?
Now, I have another one month on vacation to wait for it or what? I'm planning to get a part time job. I'm totally broke as I mentioned on my previous blog. I thought start working this month, then I'll have my salary on the following month, so I can cover all my expenditure, etc. But now instead of having income, I have nothing.
Now, I'm really out of my mind how am I going to survive already. How am I going to pay my Fitness First fee next month? How am I going to pay my insurance premium? Do I have the money to spent for petrol, parking, food, basic needs, etc.? I use up all my saving already but then still so doom. I felt like dying already.
Today, I really can feel best what is the feeling of lose everything. NO career, NO money, NO boyfriend to console me now, NO lover to be by my side, and NO idea how am I going to survive. I think from this week onwards, I'll cut down my expenses on food during the weekends (as my mother didn't cook). So only bread for breakfast, no lunch and just a few bucks to spent for dinner. Not much travelling, just only go Fitness First 3 times a week to cut down petrol consumption.
I guess this way I can survive a bit as my mother still cook dinner from Monday to Friday, breakfast just bread, no lunch and all this I treat it as diet program. No more junk food, except my balance Hersey's Kisses chocolate. No more movie in the cinema, no more extra entertainment which require me to pay for. So I guess you all can see me stuck at home most of the time again. Maybe worst than last month.
I'm crying tearlessly now, with nobody seeing it. Hide inside my room all alone. Kinda wanna isolate myself. I wonder will I suffer from self-isolation soon after all this worst time I am stuck with. Career = failure and wait forever; Love = third party and he will not be mine; Money = broke like hell; Health = Not even sure as culture test is not develop yet (although I seriously think I'm OK). So what I post on Facebook for that four categories, that quiz sucks. None of it seems good. (T.T)
I don't know why am I upset right now. Yeah, maybe I am really jealous. Perhaps Keith jealous that he spent quite some time with me. I thought tomorrow will be the last day I will see him but not, today is the day and really short. Less than 2 hours.
Although I did not expect anything, just some time he can spent with me and I know it's kinda disappointing when he can't make it. He have personal training to attend to and later (which I know later) to be spending some time with his boyfriend.
Anyway, today is really kinda mix feeling. Having such a hard day. Early morning I went to Fitness First, IOI Mall with Chee Yuen (old secondary straight friend) for gym. After that, catch up with my cousin for the ridiculous horror movie (Final Destination 4). Then I went straight to The Curve, which all my mind was set to meet him and have some good time with him before he will be leaving tomorrow. Anyway, all this is gone.
I really happy to see him. Maybe if I can have some time with him then everything is alright. Now, my mood swings. This morning, I have eaten some noodles (which share with my mother as I'm in rush so I just ate a little), then noon I just have 3 pieces of nugget and a tall size java chip. So today, I guess I burn a lot of calories and consume the very less. I did not feel taking dinner as no appetite. Anyway, it's normal for me. Just some emotion swings causing me lose my appetite, nothing serious.
Anyway, I did plan to eat my dinner although don't feel like eating. However, after I shop for swim suit, I realise I have no more money. LOL. I left RM3 only. So I decided not to eat instead. I only have RM200 to use (for transportation, food, parking, etc.) till I got my pay slip (T.T). So, my dinner tonight is just some Hersey's Kisses he brought for me last 2 weeks, which left like quarter. I ate too much past few days.
I somehow already felt something might go wrong as these few days chatting with Keith, he seems protective over Douglas. I do not know whether he found out something or he purely jealous or he just wanna make sure I do not lay a finger on his boyfriend. Being a third party really not an easy thing. I gotta take care all my feelings (either high or low) all by myself at times. I really hope to cry out loud to release the bad feeling.
This is why I say I feel like I'm gonna lose everything kinda feeling. I got a job, but I have no money, no boyfriend, lover not around me, and no time spent with him (understood he is trying too spare some for me). I did feel he is suffering for us. I do just hope he is happy then okay. I don't wanna matter anything anymore. I don't want him to feel suffer for me. I know I felt hurt inside but it's more hurting to see someone I love hurt himself for me too.
Doug, I love you and I do hope you always happy. Don't worry about me getting upset. Seeing you happy, satisfied me already. Maybe till a day there is someone able to capture my heart, it will distract the pain I'm having for you. Meanwhile, I will bare anything. Just be yourself, and stay healthy and charming.
It's better after typing such a long story. I guess nobody interested in reading such a "long gas" crap.
This Friday might be the last day of the week that I might see him around till he is back after almost 2 weeks in England (if I'm not mistaken). I'm pretty surprise that he text-ed me yesterday evening. "Hey, had a good day? Miss you. XO" was the message. I'm so melted. LOL.
Although he was going to gym, but then he did text me makes my day more lively. I had a so so day only. Currently waiting for the company to response to me. The HR department, Ms Irene did called me yesterday. It seems that they haven't get the letter from the clinic. She told me she will be calling them and if everything is fine, I might start working next week. That's what I really hope as well.
Anyway, I just found out yesterday that my Fitness First member card is missing. I did told Douglas about it. He told me to tell the receptionist that I lost my card and ask for replacement. Maybe need to pay a small amount for the card replacement. It seems the more I want to reduce my expenditure, the more I need to spent on things that I less expected. I don't know how long I can last with my savings now. *Sob Sob*
So I guess I'll replace my Fitness First card either tomorrow or Friday. Maybe I should say I'll replace it when I go Fitness First. Today I might not be going as I need to drive my mother out to the bank and buy some grocery stuff. My biceps still hurting badly (Oh yeah, you successful to cause me having muscle sore so badly now). Maybe tomorrow I'll only go for gym.
Douglas, if you reading it, please drop a few words if possible. I really hope that you leave some memories in my blog. Just like a signature that you ever landed on this blog. ^^
Today, Merdeka Day or our Independence Day. The most interesting thing happened today was workout with him at Fitness First, The Curve. Pretty tiring as he really pump me kinda hard today. I barely move my left arm (my weakest arm). I enjoyed the moment the most today.
Not that I don't enjoy the rest of the time with him that evening. At first, we went about to go for our dinner, I'm so happy as kinda dinner date (although it's not a candle light dinner but the feeling almost like it as long as I'm just be with him alone). However, since his boyfriend is joining (I'm not really that jealous although a little bit - maybe because the sweet time I can have with him alone was smashed, so kinda a little upset), then it wasn't so enjoyable.
Anyway, it's still good, not to say not enjoyable also. Just that who don't want to have some private time together with someone they loved right? Well, so I'm not jealous that his boyfriend kinda jealous and wanted to join us for dinner. I understand that feeling I guess. As long as Douglas is happy, I don't want to mind so much who is getting more or less. I know I'll definately can't compare to anyone.
In Dragon-i, I'm a little worried about him. He did protect me a little when Keith talk something that hurts me I guess (because I wasn't paying attention much on what he was talking). By the way, I don't want to remember bad things also. Try to suppress any bad thought and so, so I didn't really pay attention to him. But then what Douglas scolded him makes me worry that Keith might not happy with him. I don't know what I am thinking. Maybe I think too much too. Forget it ba.. Better sleep early as I'm really exhausted again.
Happy working to all of you. I guess mainly YOU who is reading it. NO one else will really reading this blog of mine. Do leave some message if you read my blog. So at least I know you landed on my blog before. LOL.. ^^
These 2 days (or almost 2 days I can call it) are kinda amazing for me. Yesterday was the more wonderful day for me this whole weekends. I meet Douglas at around 11am at Fitness First, The Curve. Then after I changed, he told me that the RPM class we wanted to join is cancelled. So we have no choice but to do workout (on the free weight section) instead.
After the workout session, we went to Tony Romas for lunch. I had a great lunch and really an amazing time with him there. I almost like melted with him already. But then my friend, Charles needed my help that time to change his flatted tyre. So his driver helped out and we headed back to his house (or basically his room cause I didn't really explore his house. LOL).
Well, I really enjoy the hugging and kissing all the time. He was kinda naughty that time. He teases me and fondled me quite a bit. Making me high and all my hormones gushing all over my body almost making me insane. Well, I need not to say describe that detail about what we have done. Basically just oral and anal. Yeah, I do love him and I take it seriously, because I wanted him to do it. I just want us to be happy and that's it. Having sex with someone you really love, it's the most amazing thing you can experience. I felt really in love with him (don't know it a good or a bad thing).
So later in the evening on Saturday, the same say of course, I took Charles to Fitness First with me but at IOI Mall, Puchong. I attend my ballroom dancing class and then did some workout. Well, I did light ones. Then we went to have some supper and meet up with Brian Lian. I just pay for my food and thanks to his treats (for my apple juice), I save a fre bucks. That's the whole Saturday.
Today, it's making me even more tiring. Woke up at 7am then rush to Fitness First, IOI Mall, Puchong to meet up with Chee Yuen for workout. After that, I join my dancing class again. Dancing Tango, Quickstep and Cha Cha today. Pretty tired. When for lunch with Noel and his boyfriend, Adrian (well, Adrian is kinda sissy and at times make me a bit uncomfortable. I don't know how people judge us, I don't really mind but then if he is too obvious, wouldn't he feels a bit uneasy?).
After lunch, back home rest and wait for his reply. Thank God he replied me and dates me out for dinner. We ate a Vietnanese noodles restaurant. It isn't taste that good, but still edible. After that, my favourite, ice cream at Baskin Robbins. It's not just because the ice cream is sweet, but he is the most sweetest thing I know for now. I felt to hug him so much all the time. But ended up we just kissed in the car park when we both about to leave each other.
I know tomorrow, most probably he wouldn't have time for me as he needs to accompany his boyfriend, Keith. But his words, saying that if he have time, or like Keith didn't meet him up, perhaps he will spent it with me. That's sweet but then the sweetest still that when he says he wanna more time with me as today not much time he can spent with me. It was so sweet. He said that I'm tired maybe because I'm running wild in his mind. LOL. I almost wanna kidnap him back home and have whole night with him. LOL. I love you, Douggie.. LOL.. If next time you read my blog, if you want, you can leave some message the the message box on the left or post me a comment. ^^
Today I received Douglas's SMS or rather I read his SMS this morning. I was asleep at the time he sent me that message (it was 1.23am). So I replied him back but then that's it. He didn't reply me back perhaps he is busy or there is nothing much to actually talk about.
So like I said in my pioneer blog, I went to IPR (Institut Perubatan Respitori) to get my letter and past it to the panel clinic (Chong's Dispensary) at Jalan Ampang before I went to have a movie with my sister. She was not so interest to watch that movie but since no movie she have in mind, so she just go ahead watching it with me. LOL.
I drove from my house to Jalan Pahang just to get that letter and drove down to Jalan Ampang to past it to them. The doctor told me that since they say my result are negative, so she will write a letter to the company regarding this. I shall get the call from my company after they decide to taking me or not. But I guess I'll be calling them next week Monday if they don't call me.
I think he texted me after reading my blog. LOL. I found it somehow, my blog seems to be a channel to him. I'm like posting anything and everything about me here so that he can read it. Update about me or somehow. I don't know is this romantic or not. It's like writing a love letter to him (kinda like writing memos to him or back to olden days that we don't really use phone but paper to communicate). LOL.
I just shaved my armpit few days ago. It's a bit prickling sensation somehow. I did apply some deodorant, and it seems pretty good as it keeps me dry. But I hate the shaving process. It's kinda scary because I worry I cut myself and it's a pain painful maybe I didn't shave properly. I thinking to get "Veet" (a type of hair remover cream) next time, so I have less trouble in shaving it. I saw my friend use it (although he uses it to remove chest hair, I think it goes pretty same to armpit), and it seems pretty easy. Just apply it to the region and wait for 15~30 minutes, then wash it off (maybe with a little scrap to completely remove it).
I'm not sure will he be reading this, but then I wanted to voice out my my feeling which I'm not sure about. The very last call I get from him was almost 48 hours ago. It was Tuesday night that he called me after the dinner with Keith and him at Mid Valley. I remember he told me about watching movie with Keith on the following day. Well, he did replied my SMS yesterday when I got stuck by an idiot. I don't think that counts (if you know what I mean).
I don't want to SMS him too much, making it looks like I'm obsessive to him. But stopping myself not to think of him is really torturing. I've been thinking, is he having a good time with Keith yesterday? Have he thinks of me? A lot more questions pop up but then I just ignore it. I don't want to miss him so badly and makes him feel I'm too possessive or whatever negative things you can think of.
I understand yesterday situation, he needs to meet up Keith after gym for movie, perhaps tired and don't have spare time to contact me. Today, I waited for almost 14 hours after I woke up this morning for his SMS. Even a SMS will really boost up my day. However, I guess I'm just not that lucky. He must be busy over his work loads and he gotta spent some time after his workout with Keith. I think he couldn't spare an evening in weekdays for me this week (or perhaps the following weeks as well) as he wanted to (as he told me if he can make it on that Sunday in The Garden's parking lots).
Today already Thursday. I wonder Saturday still on or not. Will it be as usual, 9am meet at Fitness First, The Curve or like previous, meet at 2pm? Or is there any changes of plan? Do I still have the Saturdays? I'm feeling so lost as I don't dare to disturb him too much, making him feels like I'm giving him too much pressure. I love him, that's why I dare give him pressure just because I wanted to see him so much as I miss him so much. It's like I don't mind praying to God that I'm willing to exchange a few years of my life just to let me be with him for another day.
Forget what I'm trying to say. I don't get myself very clear too. I'm not thinking straight. I guess I just have to wait for his SMS or call then. I don't hope he forget about me only. Hope to see you soon, my sweet heart.
