Helpless Feeling

Today I feel a bit helpless. I'm suppose to be at church at 9am. I'm thinking to complete the baptism form that my cell group leader emailed to me. Everything is not done till now as the time already 9.15am.

I woke up this morning thinking I can't be sure how to really answer those question. I did briefly refer back to my first foundation course book but I'm still blur about it. So I tried to ask my boyfriend for some help.

Thinking that he might guide me. I texted him those questions and I actually suggested my answer. I'm just thinking it some weird so want his opinion and guide, but it turns out a little bit disappointing. He texted me back, asking me to refer my book and let him go back to sleep.

I understand he slept very late last night, so do I. I can't help it to ask him for help, and I know is the worst time. I think I'll feel better if he tells me that he will try to sort out with me later than just ask me to do it yourself or think yourself. As if like I don't have a brain or I'm that lazy to think.

Well, it's just some frustration only. I'm not mad at him. Kind of used to his attitude that insensitiveness. He is only sensitive occasionally and that's the bonus I'll have.

Waited for 20 minutes for my cell leader for my bible study. He mentioned that Kelvin is joining. But till now I didn't see them. I've texted my leader but no reply. Probably have to cancel it again today. Church service is about to start soon. I don't think we can finish in less that 30 minutes for a lesson.

Tough Day

Although I mentioned all the great things he did for me last night on Valentine's Day, I do feel frustrated or disturbed with things happening around me too. It's not his fault but the situation always seems pretty bad for me on and off.

Today at work, I'm super loaded with work. I really have very little of his time. He isn't free for lunch with me nor have the time to really talk with me. Neither do I have the privilege of time to spare for him as I'm so occupied with work.

I'm at the state that I would not care less if I miss out some of the things that I need to do until people rush me about it. I can't cope with which is more and which is less important to handle at a time. Probably I'm not that capable to uphold the position that I'm right now in the company.

I can see that he has high hope and great expecting for the coming new colleague that will be assigned to be our business development executive. Although he mentioned that he is not any higher position than me, but somehow that new guy is consider a treat to me. He is highly appreciated by my boyfriend, even simple stuff also he do it for him.

I never seen him purposely email, fill up forms, interview out of office, etc. for any candidate. This new guy is really different. I know he needs someone of his talent or I would say the field. You can say that I am jealous of him having all this attention from a superior, if he is not even a close friend of his. Whereas, the staff I need to hired wasn't really in the main picture.

He is definitely busy and have little time to spare for me. I wanted to talk more about we, but seriously, I can't. We don't have good foundation on communication. I can't communicate with him at times because it's either he don't have the time to spare or he didn't seems to listen. Even if he does, he doesn't show it's in his mind. I don't mean he don't care at all, just doesn't show like he does.

Like the issue of getting a new car, we haven't really sit down and discuss in details whether I can afford it or not. With my salary, if I need to purchase a new car, how to pay the deposit and the installment every month? That haven't calculate the maintenance of the car, which is a cost after all.

I felt very demotivated and lack of confident to talk to him about myself, things that happening around me because I don't know anything about him until the very last minute. Things like his DAP stop by, he in enrolling in to study in seminary, his lectures in KL down town, etc. I have no idea till it happened. Why am I always the last to know things that happening around him?

Maybe I should implies the don't ask don't tell policy. Since we both doesn't communicate much about it to the very last minute. I'm already getting the feeling of communicate about our life is more on a one sided thing as he didn't share much of his. I hope we can resolve this but I'll let the Lord to assist. I'm speechless already.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is another normal day actually, however it has been use widely by those retailers to market their product. It linked to romantic dinner, special gift, flowers, etc. for just this very day. By the way, it's still brilliant to celebrate it with your love one. About the history and origin of this day, I'll rather skip it.

My Valentine's celebration goes very well this year. At least we truly celebrated it for the first time as lover. The first time we celebrated, I overnight at his place because it falls during Chinese New Year and his parents are not around. He cooked for me that time, a pretty simple spaghetti. Last year, we just have dinner at Tony Roma's after work and that's it.

This year, it should be consider the most romantic celebration we had so far. He actually take some time to prepare for this day. He cooked for me again this year and nice setup. We celebrated at his apartment, where he lighted so many candles with almost no lighting except from the candles itself. The table setup is gorgeous, and I truly amaze the effort he puts in as I have never experience before so far.

He sat me down at the dining table and told me that he prepared 4 course meal dinner for me tonight to celebrate our love. He served me with a glass of ice water and then walk into his kitchen and prepare his first dish. I'm truly sorry that I can't recall all those fancy Italian name of those dishes but it should goes well with my lame man English terms.

The first course is of course the appetiser, which is a mushroom salad, topped with balsamic vinegar, cheese and truffles oil. He then opened a bottle of red wine and poured it out into two wine glass. It's a Cabernet Sauvignon 2005 called Beringer from Founder's Estate, California, USA. According to him, that bottle cost around RM400.00 and I'm flattered.

After the first course is done, he then proceed to get his second course to be served in front of me. Although there was some waiting here and there, but the feeling is awesome. His second course is an antipasti, which literally mean "before the meal", a common first course of Italian cuisine. He made an Italian kind of salami pasta, topped with Kosher salt, olive oil and cheese.

The third course, the main course of the whole night is the steak. He cooked me an Australian Marble 7 wagyu beef, which it pretty expensive, with mushroom and Brussels sprout as sides. It's really an amazing night and great dinner with great wine. It's such a heaven that time. He ended with the last course, ice cream from Ben & Jerry.

We then continue eating our ice cream while watching his DVD, titled "Shakespeares in Love". Well, it's kind of old English or perhaps very poetic English they used in the whole movie and I'm like asking him what they are trying to say all the time. It's really a good movie just too poetic I need time to digest what their are saying. No wonder my literature is so bad back in high school.

That's the night we spent with each other on the special occasion or day. Well, I just got him a Valentine's card in exchange for all this special things that he did for me. It's really amazing and I don't know how to put it in words.

Jealousy

I never felt so bad for quite some time after officially on relationship with my boyfriend. The last time I recall that I'm really jealous is during the time when he wanted to go to sauna with his friends and he did something more than just enjoying sauna.

This time I never expect to jealous on a new hired colleague that haven't even officially commence into the company. My boyfriend treated him super great like as if I'm the second priority, at least that's how I'm feeling.

When I first hired into his company, I was only get to know the company by asking around people, been shown around by HR, and get to know more about my role after 3 weeks in the company. He wasn't even there to guide me until later about a month I'm in the company.

This Mr. Alvin seems to be either so privileged or something special in him that my boyfriend interviewed him at Starbucks during public holiday and buy him drinks. I've to travel all the way to The Curve for his interview. When I say I'm bored after the interview, he actually ask me to go home and rest.

Today, he even ask me to prepare his uniform, tour him around the factory before he even commenced in the company, and even plan where he should be seated when he commenced. The best part is that he even planned about including him to the US business trip and exclude me.

I don't know whether my boyfriend is insensitive or perhaps never understand about how I'll feel when he doesn't seem to prioritise me or discuss with me in advance. It makes me feel like I'm servicing the new guy. Then why tell me that he wants to promote me? Mind as well as me to work under him.

It's quite sad to feel like I'm just the second important person when I've work so hard for him and I'm not even seems important than the new guy. He never treat the other ex-colleagues so good before but this one. I don't care what he thinks. I'm seriously not happy on his action.

I'm actually feeling that he becomes closer when further from me at the same time. I used to feel that I don't own him but I have him. Now is like I own him as boyfriend but I lose him somewhere. I feel like he priority others people or things more than me at some point.

Maybe I think I'm not suitable to work with him together because conflict will occur at some point. I think it's going to built up soon. Anyway, I don't think that the company and him himself need me so much already. I'm actually a disposable asset. I shall really consider my exit strategy like he mentioned to me. Maybe it's a hint from the Lord from his mouth.

When is This Fairy Tale End? - Part 3

He asked me whether how's my plan to leave his company. I told him back, "Do you think I've a choice?". It's really I don't have a choice if I'm not part of his plan in life. I know he leave all this to God and I'm too. Just I need to have the goals ahead of me and I'll leave the rest to the Lord.

I've no choice but to leave. Of me leaving, it will be the best decision at this moment not for me, but for him. He will have less pressure from his parents that he is having too much time for me. He will have less trouble to deal with his father's suspicion.

I'm working in his company for one and the half year and I feel like our relationship is kinda like boss and staff relationship sometimes even after work. We don't have the privilege to go vacation together. I've never go anywhere with him further than klang valley for personal trip.

If calculate business trip, we went to Penang, Chicago, and Las Vegas. I don't feel that a couple going for business trip consider personal one. For example, he can't imagine that his dad bring his mum to Canada for business trip on wedding anniversary and consider it as celebrated it personally.

I have an intuition that if my boyfriend read this, he might say that he is not good enough for me. His frustration also will lead him saying that why don't you go and look for another guy. But do you think that's what I want?

I keep on praying to the Lord for guidance and even give me the revelation to this matter and I'm still stuck here. The bible mentioned that our God set us free, even pastor say so. He added if Jesus set you free, then don't let other things chain you up.

But why am I not feeling that I've have been set free? The worries of the future that upholds for me, the eyes and finger pointing of the society, the security in relationship that I longing for, etc. I know He didn't abandon me. So where goes wrong?

When is This Fairy Tale End? - Part 2

I talked to him about this issue in my head and I also feel that he is unhappy that I'm worrying about it. What may frustrate him more is the fact he can't do anything for me. I knew it but I also can't stop thinking that the insecurity I have right now about the future.

As a Christian, I know that the bible says that we shouldn't worry too much and let the tomorrow worry itself. However, pastor also mentioned that bible stated that we have to plan our goals and future. Have to manage it well. I don't know is it due to my insecurity, I always seems to plan ahead to prepare for any scenario that comes.

I admit that I even take this relationship into calculation whether I'll be secure in it. As I mentioned, it's really beyond my control because I can't control human. He has his own free will and he is an obedient son. I don't want to sin against God to ask him to disobey his parents for me, neither that I want to lose him. However, it's never both ways.

It's either he chooses me and he will have to go through a tough call with his parents, etc. or he will have to leave me and continue his legacy. I believe that the better choice is to let me go and do whatever he loves best.

I can see that in his mother's eye at the open house that day that she is really wanting his son to get married and have grandchildren for her. I believe his father is the same. Our cell group leaders also keep on pushing him. It's very uncomfortable for me that night and I hate that I've to act in front of everyone that I look nothing and cheer along with them.

I can feel that it's not going to be long that all this will really come to the end where his parents really urge him to get married since they already suspect his sexual preference. Worst, I feel his father dislike in me. He mentioned that his father like my cell group leader. That's because he likes him as the son of God and he will spiritually feed Douglas. But me, I'm draining him away from God or something.

He is so involved in church and other business. Soon, all these will ask him about getting a girlfriend or wife. I thought that he will be pressured. But in the contrary, I'm feeling it too and it's really heavy. I'm feeling guilty that I'm causing him so much trouble and I can't take the pressure of being someone to be pointed at. I think I've failed to be his only sole life partner on Earth.

When is This Fairy Tales End? - Part 1

This might be one of the longest post I'll will be writing. I'll probably need to write all on a few posts to illustrate it out. It's almost like a story of fairy comes true, but need to wake up when the time is up.

I hope that my boyfriend will be open minded enough on this issue if he ever read this. Having the privileged of being his boyfriend or started up a relationship with him is something I wasn't expected from the beginning. Well, I'm more like a friend and a sex buddy that time.

As time goes and since he is finally single, I'm the one that initiate this relationship. More like I'm the one that kick start this. He isn't the one that wanting the relationship to grow to the next level at the beginning as he don't think he is ready for it.

Cut the long story short, we finally attached. It's not the starting up this relationship that troubles me a lot but how to maintain it. Having this relationship with him is like the fairy tales. I bumped to this 'Prince Charming' and finally he wanted to be with me.

When he took the vow to the Lord to be a good Christian, he become a better boyfriend too. All thing seems to be better but that is also the worst at the same time. He is a better boyfriend, it's harder for me to let him go from my life. It's like a bond between us.

However, fairy tales is fairy tales. I've to wake up once this fairy tale ended. How come it will end? Because he will be highly possible going to get married and have kids. Do you think I can be the one standing in between his marriage? What pressure will I have to face his family, his friends, and our church member? It's a tough call.

How come this issue rises? Just one open house at his house kick start me to think about the future I'll have with him. I do think about, why God give me this relationship where I can't see the future with him and what I can see ahead now is he will have to leave me. He can't even guarantee that he won't leave me. So, it's like high possibility he will for the sake of his family. Just like stated in the bible, honouring your parents.