This issue is bothering me and I'm wondering are we at the edge of intolerance or we are incompatible. I felt that most of the time, he makes me feel that I'm troublesome, I'm annoying, I'm not trying to understand him. Whereas I personally feels that he didn't spend quality time with me, lack of caring, insensitive, not understanding my needs, and not trying to make me feel loved.
I know he loves me, he says it all the time. I know he cares for me, but more on my financial and religion. I know that he senses my needs when I sulk about it or directly tell him about it (which most of the time solved after a conflict). However, can he do something to makes me feel he really cares, really loves me, really treasure me?
There is so many things I can talk about but what is the point if there is no solutions to it. I don't know why am I crying while writing this. I guess I'm hurt is some sense. I felt that he become less of me, but more about himself only. Everything rotate about him, no longer about us. We have less things in common that we used to have.
Are we not trying to tolerate each other? Or are we simply not compatible? I believe that mild conflict, tolerance is important. However if there are major different directions of life and needs, then incompatibility comes in place. So where are we standing now already. I try to evade this question for very long time. The reason is because I fear of losing him. Because I know that he will never sit and discuss with me how to solve it.He is the person that either let my question die off, or just postpone my problem. At time, he will rather sacrifice me feeling about the solution that he wanted to came out with. I don't know whether I'm thinking too much or what. But I don't feel happy about it.
Like for example, today's scenario. He just mentioned to me that he wanted to pick me up to church tomorrow at 9.15am but I need to fetch my sister to work before 9.45am. I can't fetch her too early too. Even if I would like to drop my sister to work at 9.30am, by the time I get back home for him to pick me up already 9.45 - 9.50am. He didn't propose a solution but just complaining that we have to go to church and he definitely don't want to be late. Why can he offers to pick me and my sister up earlier and drop her to work while going to church?
Am I being self-centre that want everything revolves around me then? I'm not. I just want him to show he cares, not just leave it to you to deal with it. I'm a person that need love and care. If he wants me to be those tough man, I think he got the wrong person. Then I'll definitely not qualified to be his boyfriend and I would say we are getting no where. If he still wants me, can he be more sensitive about what and how I feel?
I might be talking this to a rectangular flat iPad, might be someone read this even him, but would this change anything or will it lead to ending of everything? I'm finally able to write this because I think I'm tired to try to be the one who tries to understand everything and try to tolerate it as nothing happened, hiding those feelings. Probably our communication break down already. I talk too much, nagging and annoying. I don't talk, I'm not trying hard. I really don't know what I should do already.
Since that he wants me to drive myself, there is no point for me to think about how he want to make it up this weekend issues I'm having and I've hinted him. Well, I think he never get my hint. So, I think there is no lunch and dinner with him. I'll most probably just head home after church and rot the whole weekends at home. I'm tired to be the one that cares about him and wanting to sparkles our relationship. If he wants me, I'll let him decide what he needs to do and want to do. However, I believe he loves his work, friends, and politics more than me.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Annoying Surprise
Today is the last day of my training program that organised by my company. I knew that he will be less likely to accompany me after the training (my intuition told me that). However, I was told by him that he might surprise me. I told him back that I feel unwanted surprises.
Indeed it turns out to be it, the annoying way. When we about to leave, he told me that he will be calling me to inform me about tonight. I told him back to just text me when he is home. He did that. Very well. So I suppose to wait for his call or probably surprises (which I presume the positive one will be he dining with me).
Frankly speaking, I don't have much faith on him that he will spend time with me by looking at him telling me that he might surprise me. I'm just expecting him to be honest with me, if he can't make it, don't give me false hope. At least inform me in advance and don't make me wait like an asshole.
I waited him to text me. First text was he was home and he needs a shower. So I waited some more for his reply on the 'surprise' he meant. Then time past and I can't wait any longer as I waited from 7.00pm to 8.00pm. If he can't eat with me, at least tell me earlier and I'll see what I can do. I'm actually disappointed with him. But nothing I can do. I believe he has his plan with his family already then. So I texted him that I'm not going to disturb him.
Later only he replied me that he is going to spend time with his family and will talk me later, and he will pick me up at 9.15am to church tomorrow. I'm totally depress with our relationship progress. It's like we are not getting anymore sparks and things happening is kinda routine. We begin to be less sensitive to our needs, our feelings, our thoughts, or expectation.
He might say that I'm over expecting, I'm possessive, I'm unreasonable, I'm emotional, I'm not understanding, etc. But is he providing what I really need? I don't know the answer. What do I really need from him? I'm not sure but I feel that he is not giving what I really need. But I never confronted him directly about this. I don't want to be seen as sulking all the time. But I'm sure he thinks of me that way all the time.
His late reply totally kills of my mood of the day, despite I don't have much mood today already. This 2 days training, even thought we sleep at the same room, I don't find we both utilize the favorable time for each other. Basically, he just sit in front of his computer and start all his political blogging. The moment he sleeps next to me is just to cuddle a little bit. Sex, it's more like I'm satisfying his needs, which is oral.
Well, I'm actually dare not to hope to have any sex with him because I don't know how he will be react. Usually, he just turn me off. He can't really read when I'm in needs, when I merely want to play about it. Perhaps I'm started to give up on this sex issue because I felt that there is no way he will sit down with me to settle or talk about this issue.
I'm totally no appetite to eat, therefore I'm skipping dinner again. When he read this, he will start to blame himself to me that he is bad, useless or negative stuff about him of not doing well. That's not what I want to hear. I want real solution or changes, not political talk. He should know very well about this.
I'm so down with the experience I'm going through with him lately. We become more religious and spiritual person, but our relationship become less salted. The spiritual needs that I'm opting for from him is fading from time to time without his reliazing it. He tooks up so many things and expect me to be understanding his situation. Did he try to reduce his ego of over proving himself to spare quality time for me? If he did, how come I can't sense it. Is the problem with me?
Disclaimer: All critiques is done during emotional status. Any bias, prejudice thoughts, harmful, insensitive, harsh, negative words, and related issues are truly regretted.
Indeed it turns out to be it, the annoying way. When we about to leave, he told me that he will be calling me to inform me about tonight. I told him back to just text me when he is home. He did that. Very well. So I suppose to wait for his call or probably surprises (which I presume the positive one will be he dining with me).
Frankly speaking, I don't have much faith on him that he will spend time with me by looking at him telling me that he might surprise me. I'm just expecting him to be honest with me, if he can't make it, don't give me false hope. At least inform me in advance and don't make me wait like an asshole.
I waited him to text me. First text was he was home and he needs a shower. So I waited some more for his reply on the 'surprise' he meant. Then time past and I can't wait any longer as I waited from 7.00pm to 8.00pm. If he can't eat with me, at least tell me earlier and I'll see what I can do. I'm actually disappointed with him. But nothing I can do. I believe he has his plan with his family already then. So I texted him that I'm not going to disturb him.
Later only he replied me that he is going to spend time with his family and will talk me later, and he will pick me up at 9.15am to church tomorrow. I'm totally depress with our relationship progress. It's like we are not getting anymore sparks and things happening is kinda routine. We begin to be less sensitive to our needs, our feelings, our thoughts, or expectation.
He might say that I'm over expecting, I'm possessive, I'm unreasonable, I'm emotional, I'm not understanding, etc. But is he providing what I really need? I don't know the answer. What do I really need from him? I'm not sure but I feel that he is not giving what I really need. But I never confronted him directly about this. I don't want to be seen as sulking all the time. But I'm sure he thinks of me that way all the time.
His late reply totally kills of my mood of the day, despite I don't have much mood today already. This 2 days training, even thought we sleep at the same room, I don't find we both utilize the favorable time for each other. Basically, he just sit in front of his computer and start all his political blogging. The moment he sleeps next to me is just to cuddle a little bit. Sex, it's more like I'm satisfying his needs, which is oral.
Well, I'm actually dare not to hope to have any sex with him because I don't know how he will be react. Usually, he just turn me off. He can't really read when I'm in needs, when I merely want to play about it. Perhaps I'm started to give up on this sex issue because I felt that there is no way he will sit down with me to settle or talk about this issue.
I'm totally no appetite to eat, therefore I'm skipping dinner again. When he read this, he will start to blame himself to me that he is bad, useless or negative stuff about him of not doing well. That's not what I want to hear. I want real solution or changes, not political talk. He should know very well about this.
I'm so down with the experience I'm going through with him lately. We become more religious and spiritual person, but our relationship become less salted. The spiritual needs that I'm opting for from him is fading from time to time without his reliazing it. He tooks up so many things and expect me to be understanding his situation. Did he try to reduce his ego of over proving himself to spare quality time for me? If he did, how come I can't sense it. Is the problem with me?
Disclaimer: All critiques is done during emotional status. Any bias, prejudice thoughts, harmful, insensitive, harsh, negative words, and related issues are truly regretted.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Unpleasant Evening
Today, my head is like having a super earthquake that doesn't settle down. That pain is so uncomfortable that I don't seems to have appetite. I don't even think I can think straight.
Last evening I'm already having migraine. I thought by resting overnight, it should gone away but this time no. It's my 'old pal' visit me again. The old me, when I'm still at my previous organisation, I'll take medical leave.
Anyway, this whole day I'm like super moody, emotional and sick. Well, not so much of emo, but really easily get annoy because of the unpleasant feeling of my headache even after I took some drugs.
Since today I've to attend my cousin's wedding, I can't have him spending time with me. Well, I do miss him but thinking I should also give him some private time so I didn't sulk about it.
The whole day feels like super uncomfortable. To make it worst, at my cousin's wedding, my grand uncle made a scene at the wedding dinner. He is drunk and drop by my table and call us a bunch of 'fa guat long', literally mean a bunch of bad kids in a rude way.
Then asked us address him. The worst thing in Chinese culture, to address different granduncle, there is some kind of different address for different level. How am I suppose to remember where I barely even meet him, don't talk about talk to him.
Making a scene at my table is not enough. Later he swears to his sister's son-in-law, threaten that he will beat him up. Such an idiotic situation that I suddenly feel my relative is lack of self control and lack of education. I don't know what is to word to describe it.
Then I home after all this stupid experience at the dinner. I thought to share it with my boyfriend and of course wanted to sulk to him about my headache. Only because he picked up my call the second time I called, and it sounds like at pretty quite place (e.g. coffee house), then I know that he is having a drink with his friend.
But usually if I call him, if he is with his friend, he would tell me who he is. But then this time, he didn't. It makes me think of something fishy. I hate this feeling. To think that he is flirting with others make me feel I'm a lousy boyfriend. To treat it like I'm think too much, but he doesn't seems to be honest to talk about it.
Is there something wrong? I asked him in the afternoon what he is doing for today. He told me that he is going to church. After church, if he hangs out with church mate or someone else, why can't he just tell me about it. It sounds fishy to just briefly mention a little and say bye.
I felt abandoned. I'm jealous of Charles having a night at his boyfriend's place because his boyfriend is flying to HK tomorrow if I'm not mistaken. Mine doesn't seems wanting me to spend a night with him do much nor he will spend a night at my place.
I think I expect too much from him. That's what he will say most of the time. And if he does treat me good, he will say that he spoilt me. The are times that I don't know he understands me needs or not. If he understand, will he be able to be the provider? I'm really clueless, perhaps I'm just evading to answer it myself.
There is a few more thing that frustrates me now but I'm just gonna leave it. No point addressing it here as it doesn't help. I don't know how to put it in words temporary and I don't wanna think of it now too. I'm having severe headache again.
In short, I hate today. I hate that I'm useless and keep on having headache. I'm hate that I'm broke even more as I need to sponsor my sister. I hate today's wedding dinner when my grand uncle making a scene. I hate that I'm feeling left out a little by my boyfriend and he might be hiding things from me.
Last evening I'm already having migraine. I thought by resting overnight, it should gone away but this time no. It's my 'old pal' visit me again. The old me, when I'm still at my previous organisation, I'll take medical leave.
Anyway, this whole day I'm like super moody, emotional and sick. Well, not so much of emo, but really easily get annoy because of the unpleasant feeling of my headache even after I took some drugs.
Since today I've to attend my cousin's wedding, I can't have him spending time with me. Well, I do miss him but thinking I should also give him some private time so I didn't sulk about it.
The whole day feels like super uncomfortable. To make it worst, at my cousin's wedding, my grand uncle made a scene at the wedding dinner. He is drunk and drop by my table and call us a bunch of 'fa guat long', literally mean a bunch of bad kids in a rude way.
Then asked us address him. The worst thing in Chinese culture, to address different granduncle, there is some kind of different address for different level. How am I suppose to remember where I barely even meet him, don't talk about talk to him.
Making a scene at my table is not enough. Later he swears to his sister's son-in-law, threaten that he will beat him up. Such an idiotic situation that I suddenly feel my relative is lack of self control and lack of education. I don't know what is to word to describe it.
Then I home after all this stupid experience at the dinner. I thought to share it with my boyfriend and of course wanted to sulk to him about my headache. Only because he picked up my call the second time I called, and it sounds like at pretty quite place (e.g. coffee house), then I know that he is having a drink with his friend.
But usually if I call him, if he is with his friend, he would tell me who he is. But then this time, he didn't. It makes me think of something fishy. I hate this feeling. To think that he is flirting with others make me feel I'm a lousy boyfriend. To treat it like I'm think too much, but he doesn't seems to be honest to talk about it.
Is there something wrong? I asked him in the afternoon what he is doing for today. He told me that he is going to church. After church, if he hangs out with church mate or someone else, why can't he just tell me about it. It sounds fishy to just briefly mention a little and say bye.
I felt abandoned. I'm jealous of Charles having a night at his boyfriend's place because his boyfriend is flying to HK tomorrow if I'm not mistaken. Mine doesn't seems wanting me to spend a night with him do much nor he will spend a night at my place.
I think I expect too much from him. That's what he will say most of the time. And if he does treat me good, he will say that he spoilt me. The are times that I don't know he understands me needs or not. If he understand, will he be able to be the provider? I'm really clueless, perhaps I'm just evading to answer it myself.
There is a few more thing that frustrates me now but I'm just gonna leave it. No point addressing it here as it doesn't help. I don't know how to put it in words temporary and I don't wanna think of it now too. I'm having severe headache again.
In short, I hate today. I hate that I'm useless and keep on having headache. I'm hate that I'm broke even more as I need to sponsor my sister. I hate today's wedding dinner when my grand uncle making a scene. I hate that I'm feeling left out a little by my boyfriend and he might be hiding things from me.
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