It's not that it is really first time I have been drinking while taking my dinner (only if you count those wedding dinner where I drink those from a small glass and I cannot even finish it). However, it is really my first time drinking on a dinner date and I drink almost 300ml of it from the 500ml glass.
I actually felt drunk during the dinner. I was a bit floating when Douglas talking to me. The feeling like I'm floating with him there with me. LOL. It is a great experience and luckily I'm not drunk dead. I bet my face was a red as tomato. When the time we about to leave, I'm actually a bit better, which is not so drunk already.
I think I should improve my drinking a little bit, or else next time if I drink a lot, I need Douglas to be my driver. LOL. I never know drinking and enjoying dinner is kinda great experience. Although I do not hate drinking, but I do not drink often. Maybe because I think it is expensive so I cannot afford to have such hobby. LOL.
Today, Dougie got me a Japanese Course book. I'm so excited. Now, I can improve my Japanese and would not be so boring at home doing nothing. He is pretty sensitive and caring. We did talk about Christianity tonight. I do hope is Him sending him to me, maybe because I behave as a good boy. LOL. Sounds like Christmas gift to me by Santa or make God seems like a Santa.
I'm slightly drunk, do not know what actually I'm trying to say also. The main point is, I'm happy today. Hope meeting him soon again. Muakz^^
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Confused with Myself..
I have no idea what am I feeling right now. A bit confusing kind of feeling so I decided to write it down here. Today, I just went to pay up my road tax, which cost me RM70 with additional of RM2 for the stamp duty I guess. Then I get my car wash because it is super dirty.
The whole morning felt a bit bored, although I did help out my mother taking care the babies before I went out to do those things I mentioned earlier. Then after I get back home, I cleaned my room. But the weather today kinda cloudy, rain for 10 minutes then remain cloudy most of the time. I guess this kinda weather makes my mood similar to it. LOL.
Cleaning up my room already taken me almost 3 hours. However the feeling of your own room getting cleaner is pretty good. After my dinner, my brother bothering me to burn him a CD. I think that is pretty my whole day already.
After all the things I that I have done and sit down here in front of my laptop while listening to music and enjoying the chocolate Douglas get it for me, I realise some absolute loneliness. Although my mother downstairs, but she is busy watching TV. My sister at her room doing her homework and online. My brother is no where to be seen at home. I feel pretty stuck in my room doing nothing much.
I bite on the chocolate and my mind wondering someone else. I think the "Peace of Mind" pretty good, it does make me relax but at the same time makes me thinking someone. Maybe it's just that I'm lonely at my own room.
At times I come to thinking, do I really have a lot of friends? I do not think so. I prefer quality friend than quantity. In my MSN list, there is over 300 people (including my cousins, primary school mates, secondary school mates, university course mates and PLU friends), but then almost none that I can chat with. Less than 20% people online and out of that 20%, only like 4% is available but then nothing much can chat with them.
All also seems busy. They also have their life to go on. Maybe I'm kinda introvert person too. I do not hang out much with large group (maybe because I felt that will cause me to overspent) and I do not like going out alone. So ended up alone at my own room.
So I guess I'm a person that really need someone to be there for me, to love me and to spent time with. Or else, I'm pretty lonely most of the time. I'm lucky that I have not develop self isolation yet.
Anyway, Douglas kind of the best thing happen to me, and I glad that I met this great man in my life. At least he makes my life more lively. Most weekends if without his companionship, I guess I'll be even more lonely at home. Maybe I'm just missing him right now. Better think of nothing now and rest early today. ^^
The whole morning felt a bit bored, although I did help out my mother taking care the babies before I went out to do those things I mentioned earlier. Then after I get back home, I cleaned my room. But the weather today kinda cloudy, rain for 10 minutes then remain cloudy most of the time. I guess this kinda weather makes my mood similar to it. LOL.
Cleaning up my room already taken me almost 3 hours. However the feeling of your own room getting cleaner is pretty good. After my dinner, my brother bothering me to burn him a CD. I think that is pretty my whole day already.
After all the things I that I have done and sit down here in front of my laptop while listening to music and enjoying the chocolate Douglas get it for me, I realise some absolute loneliness. Although my mother downstairs, but she is busy watching TV. My sister at her room doing her homework and online. My brother is no where to be seen at home. I feel pretty stuck in my room doing nothing much.
I bite on the chocolate and my mind wondering someone else. I think the "Peace of Mind" pretty good, it does make me relax but at the same time makes me thinking someone. Maybe it's just that I'm lonely at my own room.
At times I come to thinking, do I really have a lot of friends? I do not think so. I prefer quality friend than quantity. In my MSN list, there is over 300 people (including my cousins, primary school mates, secondary school mates, university course mates and PLU friends), but then almost none that I can chat with. Less than 20% people online and out of that 20%, only like 4% is available but then nothing much can chat with them.
All also seems busy. They also have their life to go on. Maybe I'm kinda introvert person too. I do not hang out much with large group (maybe because I felt that will cause me to overspent) and I do not like going out alone. So ended up alone at my own room.
So I guess I'm a person that really need someone to be there for me, to love me and to spent time with. Or else, I'm pretty lonely most of the time. I'm lucky that I have not develop self isolation yet.
Anyway, Douglas kind of the best thing happen to me, and I glad that I met this great man in my life. At least he makes my life more lively. Most weekends if without his companionship, I guess I'll be even more lonely at home. Maybe I'm just missing him right now. Better think of nothing now and rest early today. ^^
Financial Status + Dream
Up to now, Dougie really help me a lot. I cannot imagine what will happen if he is not here for me and help my go through the hard time I am having now. I felt so blessed knowing him. It must be the blessing from God. Maybe he is my little angel. LOL.
Well, those money that he gave it to me, I had it sort out this way. Bank in some to my account for Fitness First fee next month. Then use up RM50 for my medical consultation due to migraine two days ago, RM60 to pay my Digi phone bill, RM70 for my road tax and I just pump petrol which cost me RM50.
I cannot imagine I almost use up all my money. I guess I cannot be buying much thing for myself to pamper myself as what Dougie asks me to do so. However, I really felt relief from the financial constraint I am having previously. At least I settle most my liabilities.
About the dream that I had recently, I guess I either think too much of him or perhaps I am too bored and wanted to hang out so I dreamt about him and me going vacation else where. Although I have no idea where is the place we are at in my dream but then it seems pretty nice. It's either at the beach side or on a yacht. There is a few things I can remember of my dreams but then kinda blur yet funny.
Anyway, I'm still in between of believing Christianity and Buddhism. If I'm believe in Christianity and if Jesus or God came to me, I really want to thank Him to grant me his servant, which appear to be my angel, guiding me through the hard time. I felt being love in so much way, although we cannot be couple, but still it's more than I can ask for. Thank you God and his little servant, Dougie ~ XD
Well, those money that he gave it to me, I had it sort out this way. Bank in some to my account for Fitness First fee next month. Then use up RM50 for my medical consultation due to migraine two days ago, RM60 to pay my Digi phone bill, RM70 for my road tax and I just pump petrol which cost me RM50.
I cannot imagine I almost use up all my money. I guess I cannot be buying much thing for myself to pamper myself as what Dougie asks me to do so. However, I really felt relief from the financial constraint I am having previously. At least I settle most my liabilities.
About the dream that I had recently, I guess I either think too much of him or perhaps I am too bored and wanted to hang out so I dreamt about him and me going vacation else where. Although I have no idea where is the place we are at in my dream but then it seems pretty nice. It's either at the beach side or on a yacht. There is a few things I can remember of my dreams but then kinda blur yet funny.
Anyway, I'm still in between of believing Christianity and Buddhism. If I'm believe in Christianity and if Jesus or God came to me, I really want to thank Him to grant me his servant, which appear to be my angel, guiding me through the hard time. I felt being love in so much way, although we cannot be couple, but still it's more than I can ask for. Thank you God and his little servant, Dougie ~ XD
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Totally Exhausted
I'm too tired to post it yesterday so I decided to write it down today instead. Yesterday was a great day for me. We went to The Curve to work out. I did a little running and the join the RPM class with Douggie.
After the gym session, we went to Bubba Gump for lunch and it's a great lunch for me. No idea why, maybe the food taste good and the feeling of having lunch with him is great. LOL. We went back to his place after the lunch and a little shopping for Keith's graduation show. What I did there with him I'll not be writing it down. LOL.
Anyway, Douggie, I hope you would not feel bad about things happened yesterday. I had a great time there. Thanks for the "gift" that I have no idea when you managed to stuff it into my pocket. It will be really life saving for me. I do not know how to thank you furthermore. Give you a big kiss here. "Muaks"
Reached home yesterday and I have to drive my sister for her ballet class and my mother to the bank to withdraw some money as she also no more money. LOL. Then drove them home and I went out with Charles for a drink with his friend, named Theresa. I managed to make him treat me but then he made me a driver. So my petrol is gone but at least I need not to pay for the food and drink.
Yesterday kinda tiring already. This morning went to gym with my friend, Chee Yuen and it will be the last time we going to gym together. He is going to Germany to pursue his degree next week. So adding with the work out session this morning, I'm totally dead. LOL. All muscles are like not mine anymore.
Migraine hit back this morning. I did try the "Peace of Mind" and it helps me to relax but not the pain. I guess I'm going to pop in the pills later in the noon after my lunch. Tonight, no idea what I am going to eat. If Douggie is free tonight, I do hope to have a dinner with him. If not, I guess I have to get my own food and eat alone at home. "Sob Sob"
After the gym session, we went to Bubba Gump for lunch and it's a great lunch for me. No idea why, maybe the food taste good and the feeling of having lunch with him is great. LOL. We went back to his place after the lunch and a little shopping for Keith's graduation show. What I did there with him I'll not be writing it down. LOL.
Anyway, Douggie, I hope you would not feel bad about things happened yesterday. I had a great time there. Thanks for the "gift" that I have no idea when you managed to stuff it into my pocket. It will be really life saving for me. I do not know how to thank you furthermore. Give you a big kiss here. "Muaks"
Reached home yesterday and I have to drive my sister for her ballet class and my mother to the bank to withdraw some money as she also no more money. LOL. Then drove them home and I went out with Charles for a drink with his friend, named Theresa. I managed to make him treat me but then he made me a driver. So my petrol is gone but at least I need not to pay for the food and drink.
Yesterday kinda tiring already. This morning went to gym with my friend, Chee Yuen and it will be the last time we going to gym together. He is going to Germany to pursue his degree next week. So adding with the work out session this morning, I'm totally dead. LOL. All muscles are like not mine anymore.
Migraine hit back this morning. I did try the "Peace of Mind" and it helps me to relax but not the pain. I guess I'm going to pop in the pills later in the noon after my lunch. Tonight, no idea what I am going to eat. If Douggie is free tonight, I do hope to have a dinner with him. If not, I guess I have to get my own food and eat alone at home. "Sob Sob"
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Lonely
I have no idea why today I feel a bit lonely. Maybe I should put it this way, I do feel lonely most of the time but then I was not so bad or I barely thinking about it. However today, I felt slightly more lonely from afternoon till now.
This morning, I went to Fitness First to work out. I did biceps and abs today. Then after work out, I did went for "so call gathering" singing karaoke session with my old secondary mates in Redbox, IOI Mall. One of them is going to Germany next week for study, so this might be the last outing. It's hard for me to say "NO" to them, so I went for it and luckily it's just RM10++.
So I gotta be taking care of my expenses more carefully, maybe save here and there. LOL. So basically, today after my work out session and the singing session, I spend RM13++ (including the parking fee). The rest of the time, I'm home except for consultation of my migraine which cost me RM50.
The more I wanted to save, the worst it become at times for me. No idea is it some kind of curse of me or what. LOL. Anyway, I just felt lonely maybe because I felt I'm all alone when I'm not feeling so well. I do not know who to call to, who to talk to, or is there anyone there to take care of me (exclude my mother please, I do not mean family kinda care).
It just some kinda feeling that I am having. Maybe I miss the feeling of being pamper and care by a boyfriend or lover when I need him. Maybe I also miss the feeling of me playing to get attention and to pampered my love ones. Listening to song alone at my own room with my candles lighted, salt lamp and some dim light on, romantic setting, comfortable bed, only thing lack is a perfect man laying by my side. LOL.
This morning, I went to Fitness First to work out. I did biceps and abs today. Then after work out, I did went for "so call gathering" singing karaoke session with my old secondary mates in Redbox, IOI Mall. One of them is going to Germany next week for study, so this might be the last outing. It's hard for me to say "NO" to them, so I went for it and luckily it's just RM10++.
So I gotta be taking care of my expenses more carefully, maybe save here and there. LOL. So basically, today after my work out session and the singing session, I spend RM13++ (including the parking fee). The rest of the time, I'm home except for consultation of my migraine which cost me RM50.
The more I wanted to save, the worst it become at times for me. No idea is it some kind of curse of me or what. LOL. Anyway, I just felt lonely maybe because I felt I'm all alone when I'm not feeling so well. I do not know who to call to, who to talk to, or is there anyone there to take care of me (exclude my mother please, I do not mean family kinda care).
It just some kinda feeling that I am having. Maybe I miss the feeling of being pamper and care by a boyfriend or lover when I need him. Maybe I also miss the feeling of me playing to get attention and to pampered my love ones. Listening to song alone at my own room with my candles lighted, salt lamp and some dim light on, romantic setting, comfortable bed, only thing lack is a perfect man laying by my side. LOL.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Wet Dream
Have you experience wet dream before? Personally, I don't get it often. I think different people have different experience of wet dream. Some may have it often, some maybe like me once awhile (or once in the blue moon), or some may never experience it before.
I have no idea why I did have it this morning. What makes me think about it is because I dreamt about Dougie. I mean I used to have it with imaginary person (like you just saw someone with a body but you can't see his face that kind) but this time I dreamt about him. I really saw his face.
Gosh, I can't imagine I really dreamt about him. Well, as I said it's wet dream (and I don't know why I had such a dream about him), it's like so real to me. Maybe I had the experience doing it with him before so it makes it looks so real. I can't reckon the place we are in but it's definitely looks like heaven to me.
It caused me feel kinda horny this morning. It's like I wanted to have it with him but I know I got to control myself. I can't be have one night stand with who so ever. So I guess it's kinda annoying (I mean it's like I hate myself now being so horny, feels like I'm so slutty now for sex but then just thinking about someone only).
Maybe I'm too high that he called me last night. It's kinda a surprise call for me. I mean rarely he will be calling that late hour and chatted with me for a period of time. It's like he is missing me and wanted to talk to me, that's why he is calling. So my mind, is like running all about him, and maybe I'm kinda in need, turns out having such a dream. LOL.
I have no idea why I did have it this morning. What makes me think about it is because I dreamt about Dougie. I mean I used to have it with imaginary person (like you just saw someone with a body but you can't see his face that kind) but this time I dreamt about him. I really saw his face.
Gosh, I can't imagine I really dreamt about him. Well, as I said it's wet dream (and I don't know why I had such a dream about him), it's like so real to me. Maybe I had the experience doing it with him before so it makes it looks so real. I can't reckon the place we are in but it's definitely looks like heaven to me.
It caused me feel kinda horny this morning. It's like I wanted to have it with him but I know I got to control myself. I can't be have one night stand with who so ever. So I guess it's kinda annoying (I mean it's like I hate myself now being so horny, feels like I'm so slutty now for sex but then just thinking about someone only).
Maybe I'm too high that he called me last night. It's kinda a surprise call for me. I mean rarely he will be calling that late hour and chatted with me for a period of time. It's like he is missing me and wanted to talk to me, that's why he is calling. So my mind, is like running all about him, and maybe I'm kinda in need, turns out having such a dream. LOL.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Dinner at DELIcious
Today might be the best evening I had in this week. After driving my mother to my aunt's cafe to have brunch, and later to my grandmother's place, I drove back home with my sister and brother after dropping my cousin at The Gardens. Then I just wait for the time for my brother to get back home later after he brought his stuff and I'll be meeting Dougie.
I met him up at The Gardens and today is a perfect for me to be 'dating' or having some personal time with him alone after so long. It's really amazing for me. We went to Starbucks before going for out dinner at DELIcious, one of Dougie's all time favourite place. Well, no matter where he chooses, I never complains as eating with him is the best thing.
I had a great evening, spending my quality time with him. I can talk to him almost anything without worrying Keith is around. Maybe the only thing I care is I speak something bad which complicating the situation I am in.
I know Dougie had a hard time too trying to make me happy at the same time or focusing on his work and sparing his time for his boyfriend. That's why I never complain to him of him not spending enough time for me or what. All I wanted is he got all his happiness he wanted and meanwhile, I can share his happiness.
He actually is a good man. He does really show me that he cares for me, not like my ex-boyfriend, Bryan, which I personally think that he is a jerk. I don't want to mention him here. I know he always wanted me to settle with or find a decent man to be with rather to be clinging with him which does not benefits me. He don't want to be unfair for me. I know it.
I will try to find someone decent. Meanwhile, before that I found this man, I just hope that I can love the man I truly love currently, not demanding for him to be with me or give me any special status.
Somehow I felt in the corner of my heart, I'm so lucky to meet him. I do feel that he changes my world a lot, broaden my thought and open my heart to many different things. What's more is I feel that this very man will be always in my heart, my memory and even in the future, he will be there for me somehow or rather. I hope, no matter what, no matter what status we will turn out to be, we will still there for each other.
And here, I want to thank you for helping me up in my financial. It's like the most luckiest thing that is happening to me besides all the unlucky moments I'm having so far. Well, I'm always not that lucky but then I appreciate what I've learned throughout all these moments that I have gone through. I really appreciate all those people that help me go through all this bad time.
I met him up at The Gardens and today is a perfect for me to be 'dating' or having some personal time with him alone after so long. It's really amazing for me. We went to Starbucks before going for out dinner at DELIcious, one of Dougie's all time favourite place. Well, no matter where he chooses, I never complains as eating with him is the best thing.
I had a great evening, spending my quality time with him. I can talk to him almost anything without worrying Keith is around. Maybe the only thing I care is I speak something bad which complicating the situation I am in.
I know Dougie had a hard time too trying to make me happy at the same time or focusing on his work and sparing his time for his boyfriend. That's why I never complain to him of him not spending enough time for me or what. All I wanted is he got all his happiness he wanted and meanwhile, I can share his happiness.
He actually is a good man. He does really show me that he cares for me, not like my ex-boyfriend, Bryan, which I personally think that he is a jerk. I don't want to mention him here. I know he always wanted me to settle with or find a decent man to be with rather to be clinging with him which does not benefits me. He don't want to be unfair for me. I know it.
I will try to find someone decent. Meanwhile, before that I found this man, I just hope that I can love the man I truly love currently, not demanding for him to be with me or give me any special status.
Somehow I felt in the corner of my heart, I'm so lucky to meet him. I do feel that he changes my world a lot, broaden my thought and open my heart to many different things. What's more is I feel that this very man will be always in my heart, my memory and even in the future, he will be there for me somehow or rather. I hope, no matter what, no matter what status we will turn out to be, we will still there for each other.
And here, I want to thank you for helping me up in my financial. It's like the most luckiest thing that is happening to me besides all the unlucky moments I'm having so far. Well, I'm always not that lucky but then I appreciate what I've learned throughout all these moments that I have gone through. I really appreciate all those people that help me go through all this bad time.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Hot Chocolate Day + Helpless Time
Today as usual I met with Dougie for the RPM class at 11am. The instructor today seems pretty crazy as she is so hyper and pushed us to the maximum. Well, I still enjoy it (a little insane to be enjoying it).
We then drove to Mid Valley for lunch as we gotta meet up with Keith. I know Dougie you will be reading this soon but I don't want to hide stuff in this blog as this blog is for me to voice out my heart and to release whatever I want (which I can't or don't want to be posted in my general blog). I did feel a bit disappointed as we don't have some private time spending together. However, I still enjoy the lunch today with you and Keith.
Today Dougie brought me a pack of hot chocolate. When I reached home, my mother wanted to get those grocery and I was with her getting it. Then she brought hot chocolate again and the hot chocolate here is way cheaper (a few ringgit) than that we get in Cold Storage.
Actually lately I'm so broke. Well, I guess everyone knows it (at least most my friends did). I remember chatting with Keith previously, and he asked me why am I planning to borrow some money from friends and not my mother. I have been borrowing so much from her lately, and I don't want to trouble her too much.
Now, I just calculate my financial status. It's like liabilities are greater than the assets I have now (duh, it's kinda obvious). The things that getting my head are the phone bills and Fitness First fee next month. I'm starting to feel the debts I'm having around my neck and I have no idea when it will drown me. I hope that money can fall from sky for me right now, even just once. LOL.
We then drove to Mid Valley for lunch as we gotta meet up with Keith. I know Dougie you will be reading this soon but I don't want to hide stuff in this blog as this blog is for me to voice out my heart and to release whatever I want (which I can't or don't want to be posted in my general blog). I did feel a bit disappointed as we don't have some private time spending together. However, I still enjoy the lunch today with you and Keith.
Today Dougie brought me a pack of hot chocolate. When I reached home, my mother wanted to get those grocery and I was with her getting it. Then she brought hot chocolate again and the hot chocolate here is way cheaper (a few ringgit) than that we get in Cold Storage.
Actually lately I'm so broke. Well, I guess everyone knows it (at least most my friends did). I remember chatting with Keith previously, and he asked me why am I planning to borrow some money from friends and not my mother. I have been borrowing so much from her lately, and I don't want to trouble her too much.
Now, I just calculate my financial status. It's like liabilities are greater than the assets I have now (duh, it's kinda obvious). The things that getting my head are the phone bills and Fitness First fee next month. I'm starting to feel the debts I'm having around my neck and I have no idea when it will drown me. I hope that money can fall from sky for me right now, even just once. LOL.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Perfect Disaster
Well, it's not that perfect anyway and it's not really a disaster I guess. LOL. I just thought that this title seems pretty good. Well, today is Thursday, and I know Dougie must be super busy with his work. I chatted with him on Tuesday and he told me that he needs to handle 3 persons task alone. I feel bad unable to help him anything.
Anyway, yesterday he suppose to be watching movie with Keith but I wonder did they really go for it or they went for late show? I saw Keith's shout out in Facebook and Dougie was online (although the status is busy). I wonder what is happening. He didn't reply my message in MSN so I have no idea.
Anyway, the so call "perfect disaster" now is someone is hitting on me (and I don't mean Dougie). This young little guy and I really mean young as he is just 19 years old this year. I don't get the click with him yet and I don't think I will. Too young to have the secure feeling.
Well, Dougie still occupies a lot of space in my heart perhaps making me unable to fill in someone else that easily. Maybe if I found someone that is much more secure (preferably around my age to slightly elder than me) will be better. It's not like I'm not going to love Dougie anymore. Just I have to love him till the extent that I'm able to let him go. It's too deep it seems and I'll explain it next time.
Anyway, I think the most disastrous part will be financial. Today I need to go for my Hepatitis A booster vaccination. Well, it's not like I'm having Hepatitis A. It's just a booster vaccination to boost up the immune system for it because my Hepatitis immunization is getting low since my blood check on May this year. I'm actually borrowing some cash from my mother this morning. Gosh, I guess I'll need financial help real soon.
Anyway, yesterday he suppose to be watching movie with Keith but I wonder did they really go for it or they went for late show? I saw Keith's shout out in Facebook and Dougie was online (although the status is busy). I wonder what is happening. He didn't reply my message in MSN so I have no idea.
Anyway, the so call "perfect disaster" now is someone is hitting on me (and I don't mean Dougie). This young little guy and I really mean young as he is just 19 years old this year. I don't get the click with him yet and I don't think I will. Too young to have the secure feeling.
Well, Dougie still occupies a lot of space in my heart perhaps making me unable to fill in someone else that easily. Maybe if I found someone that is much more secure (preferably around my age to slightly elder than me) will be better. It's not like I'm not going to love Dougie anymore. Just I have to love him till the extent that I'm able to let him go. It's too deep it seems and I'll explain it next time.
Anyway, I think the most disastrous part will be financial. Today I need to go for my Hepatitis A booster vaccination. Well, it's not like I'm having Hepatitis A. It's just a booster vaccination to boost up the immune system for it because my Hepatitis immunization is getting low since my blood check on May this year. I'm actually borrowing some cash from my mother this morning. Gosh, I guess I'll need financial help real soon.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Hot Chocolate
Today Dougie is back to KL. I was amaze that when he text-ed me that he is in the airport. The less expected is that he asks me to meet him up for a drink at The Curve. I've been rotting at home for such a long time already.
I did agreed to meet him up even though I have to reject a net friend that I know from Axcest for a drink this evening near my area. I don't know why I prioritize him so much more than anyone else.
So I meet him up at Starbucks (I didn't realize that my contact lens dried up and fall off until when I started driving to meet him up). Seeing him all in black and he helped me order a hot chocolate while he drinks his boyfriend's all time favourite, iced shake lemonade.
It's amazing that I can see him again. Actually I wanted to hug him tight for a longer period when he did in my car when we about to get home. However, I know it's getting late and he is tired. I guess I have to hold on my feeling and hope to see him again later, probably this Saturday morning if possible.
I did agreed to meet him up even though I have to reject a net friend that I know from Axcest for a drink this evening near my area. I don't know why I prioritize him so much more than anyone else.
So I meet him up at Starbucks (I didn't realize that my contact lens dried up and fall off until when I started driving to meet him up). Seeing him all in black and he helped me order a hot chocolate while he drinks his boyfriend's all time favourite, iced shake lemonade.
It's amazing that I can see him again. Actually I wanted to hug him tight for a longer period when he did in my car when we about to get home. However, I know it's getting late and he is tired. I guess I have to hold on my feeling and hope to see him again later, probably this Saturday morning if possible.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Happy Birthday Dougie
It's his birthday today. I wonder why I remember it so clearly. Well, I do not know what time he is been born but I still know the date. LOL. I did wish him on Facebook, but then that is all I can do there. So I decided to dedicate a post in my blog here to him (of course not in my primary blog as that is not meant to touch anything related to my PLU life or love life at this moment).
I want to say sorry (although I do not know why) for not celebrating your birthday with you this year. You are not here in Malaysia, but I guess you will have a lot of fun in London celebrating with your friends or family. I hope it is not alone there.
When you get back, I bet Keith will be dying to celebrate with you too. Kinda belated birthday kinda celebration. I guess he already get you your birthday present as previously he asked me for opinion (I did not give any good opinion to him). I wonder what he will get for you this year. Anyway, I'm suck, I cannot manage my own finance, so I did not get him anything. Yes, I do feel really bad.
I do hope he enjoys his time there and his birthday, it is once in a year. Actually I should not be worrying about him not enjoying it anyway. I bet it will be a great birthday to him this year. Keith will be there for him.
He will be back on the 14th (Monday) of this month, which he told me earlier on (no idea if there is any changes). I guess I'll most probably meeting him up on the 19th, which on Saturday. The day he gets back here, definitely he need to rest. Tuesday till Friday, he most probably need to accompany Keith, except if Keith is busy, then perhaps I'll meeting him soon. Or else, Saturday seems more like it to be meeting him after 2 weeks of not seeing him at all.
I want to say sorry (although I do not know why) for not celebrating your birthday with you this year. You are not here in Malaysia, but I guess you will have a lot of fun in London celebrating with your friends or family. I hope it is not alone there.
When you get back, I bet Keith will be dying to celebrate with you too. Kinda belated birthday kinda celebration. I guess he already get you your birthday present as previously he asked me for opinion (I did not give any good opinion to him). I wonder what he will get for you this year. Anyway, I'm suck, I cannot manage my own finance, so I did not get him anything. Yes, I do feel really bad.
I do hope he enjoys his time there and his birthday, it is once in a year. Actually I should not be worrying about him not enjoying it anyway. I bet it will be a great birthday to him this year. Keith will be there for him.
He will be back on the 14th (Monday) of this month, which he told me earlier on (no idea if there is any changes). I guess I'll most probably meeting him up on the 19th, which on Saturday. The day he gets back here, definitely he need to rest. Tuesday till Friday, he most probably need to accompany Keith, except if Keith is busy, then perhaps I'll meeting him soon. Or else, Saturday seems more like it to be meeting him after 2 weeks of not seeing him at all.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Self Control
Yesterday evening, out of my expectation, he did chatted with me on MSN. I was really happy actually at that time. However, after a few conversation, he told me something. Well, it does reminds me on what we agreed earlier on, which is slowly let go of this relationship.
He told me that we should not have any intimacy going on next time (maybe except for the kisses and hugging) cause he felt guilty every time we did it. I do not feel good either but then it's not easy to resist when you with someone you really love. So self control or abstinence is part of my routine with him right now.
It's not going to be easy for me. We as human have needs I guess. Of course, I would like to do with only the man I like or love and not just anybody or else I can just hired a whore to do it. That's not the point I'm talking about. LOL. At least he still have Keith, he can still have it with him (even can imagine having it with me while doing it with him - just my silly thought). For me, how?
I mean of course I enjoy having sex with him that makes me wanting to do it with him right? Not to mention that I love him. So this sex avoiding stuff may be a part of letting go this relationship. Well, I have the feeling it will come anyway, but I have no idea it hurts too. I thought it will at least hurt the very less which almost feel nothing.
I come across someones journal, and I think a phrase he mentioned there is really true. If you have less expectation then you would not feel so bad when you did not get it what you expect. What if you do not expect anything, any small thing will be a blessing or gift. I already try my best to put as minimal expectation I can. I should be focusing back on what I really want, which is he will be always happy.
He told me that we should not have any intimacy going on next time (maybe except for the kisses and hugging) cause he felt guilty every time we did it. I do not feel good either but then it's not easy to resist when you with someone you really love. So self control or abstinence is part of my routine with him right now.
It's not going to be easy for me. We as human have needs I guess. Of course, I would like to do with only the man I like or love and not just anybody or else I can just hired a whore to do it. That's not the point I'm talking about. LOL. At least he still have Keith, he can still have it with him (even can imagine having it with me while doing it with him - just my silly thought). For me, how?
I mean of course I enjoy having sex with him that makes me wanting to do it with him right? Not to mention that I love him. So this sex avoiding stuff may be a part of letting go this relationship. Well, I have the feeling it will come anyway, but I have no idea it hurts too. I thought it will at least hurt the very less which almost feel nothing.
I come across someones journal, and I think a phrase he mentioned there is really true. If you have less expectation then you would not feel so bad when you did not get it what you expect. What if you do not expect anything, any small thing will be a blessing or gift. I already try my best to put as minimal expectation I can. I should be focusing back on what I really want, which is he will be always happy.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I'm Am Missing You
I come across the song "I'm Not Missing You" by Stacie Orrico earlier. I hope I can sing that but just not like her situation that breaking up or heartbreaking moment. Just that I hope I do not miss him so much that I barely thinking anything else already.
I have no idea how am I so in love with him. My friend say that too to me. He just get to know this blog of mine. He told me that he also can feel that I'm so happy with him although I'm not his boyfriend at this moment.
Anyway, I do not want to care so much as long as I'm happy with him then okay already. Let time decide for me what will be our future and the future that awaits for me.^^
I have no idea how am I so in love with him. My friend say that too to me. He just get to know this blog of mine. He told me that he also can feel that I'm so happy with him although I'm not his boyfriend at this moment.
Anyway, I do not want to care so much as long as I'm happy with him then okay already. Let time decide for me what will be our future and the future that awaits for me.^^
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I Felt Bad
The conversation I had with Keith last night still bothers me a little. Throughout the conversation, I'm hiding things and lying. I mean those regarding Douglas and me. I also don't know what to believe in him. There are some that he told me seems matching with what Douglas told me but some seems more details. Sounds like Douglas is a little nasty to him in the past.
This makes me feel like I'm so much more worst to make things worsen. He told me that he pray that Douglas not to have real sex with someone else, and I did it. It really makes me feel guilty but then thinking back about it, I mean when with Douglas, I'm doing it because I love him too. Confuse kind of feeling.
It's like he is somehow cursing me (maybe a little bit indirectly) that my legs will be broken if I lied to him. Gosh, I'm lying all the time with him (not all the time but then things about Douglas and me to Keith). If I believe in curses, then I'm dead. Furthermore he makes me swear for it. It's really scary for me.
Anyway, he make me swear that what ever we talked about last night stay there. I can't share with people especially with Douglas. I'm too scare to be keep all to myself. I can't blog it in my pioneer blog as Keith may read it too. Posting it here, I know Douglas you will read it. So please do not mention this thing in front of Keith.
Like what you commented in my previous blog, play cool with it. Take it as you did not know about all this. I just hope to forget it as soon as possible. I hope that you are here with me some how to cheer me up too.
That part where he told me,
"myb i shud stop ths relationship.. all bcuz of u.. haiz.. u guys shud being together.. bless u guys.."
I'm so scare but I do have a small evil joy for a second then back to reality I know it's gonna be worst. I mean the evil joy of he saying that we (Douglas and me) should be together and he less us. I know he would not. Maybe he is testing me some how.
I do not know how is it one day when he finds out about our relationship. I do not know how to react if you ask me now. Anyway, he did say one thing last night. "Love is a game, people cheat and it's all depends on how they don't get caught cheating or doing it". Well, it sounds sad for me too. That makes me felt worst cause I'm having a small part of his boyfriend. I need some one to tell me, am I actually a jerk right now. I love you Douglas and I scares to hurt anyone. I hope you are here with me, at least I'm not dealing this alone.
This makes me feel like I'm so much more worst to make things worsen. He told me that he pray that Douglas not to have real sex with someone else, and I did it. It really makes me feel guilty but then thinking back about it, I mean when with Douglas, I'm doing it because I love him too. Confuse kind of feeling.
It's like he is somehow cursing me (maybe a little bit indirectly) that my legs will be broken if I lied to him. Gosh, I'm lying all the time with him (not all the time but then things about Douglas and me to Keith). If I believe in curses, then I'm dead. Furthermore he makes me swear for it. It's really scary for me.
Anyway, he make me swear that what ever we talked about last night stay there. I can't share with people especially with Douglas. I'm too scare to be keep all to myself. I can't blog it in my pioneer blog as Keith may read it too. Posting it here, I know Douglas you will read it. So please do not mention this thing in front of Keith.
Like what you commented in my previous blog, play cool with it. Take it as you did not know about all this. I just hope to forget it as soon as possible. I hope that you are here with me some how to cheer me up too.
That part where he told me,
"myb i shud stop ths relationship.. all bcuz of u.. haiz.. u guys shud being together.. bless u guys.."
I'm so scare but I do have a small evil joy for a second then back to reality I know it's gonna be worst. I mean the evil joy of he saying that we (Douglas and me) should be together and he less us. I know he would not. Maybe he is testing me some how.
I do not know how is it one day when he finds out about our relationship. I do not know how to react if you ask me now. Anyway, he did say one thing last night. "Love is a game, people cheat and it's all depends on how they don't get caught cheating or doing it". Well, it sounds sad for me too. That makes me felt worst cause I'm having a small part of his boyfriend. I need some one to tell me, am I actually a jerk right now. I love you Douglas and I scares to hurt anyone. I hope you are here with me, at least I'm not dealing this alone.
Some Scary Conversation That I Had
I wanna post this here not to meant for anyone to read but to release myself or else I can't sleep. It freaks me out very much. I promised not to tell anyone but does not mean I can't post it. If you guys happen to read it, please just forget about it.
Douglas, I'm scared. I don't know how already. If you read this, can you please please please treat it as nothing ever happened? I don't want things getting much more complicated. If I meant to be lose you, I'll accept my fate and not getting unbearable moment or situation. I do not want to make enemy with Keith.
Below are the conversation between Keith and me:
Keith says:
did he tried to hook up with u?
Terence says:
wat a question?
Keith says:
juz tell
Terence says:
no la
Keith says:
izzit the truth?
Terence says:
i'm so skinny, ugly sum more, i cant beat his ex la..
Keith says:
u din answer me
Terence says:
u are more fashionable than me, u think he likes me meh?
Keith says:
i dunno..he like skinny guy
answer me la
Terence says:
no la.. told u d ma
Keith says:
u swear?.. if u telling lie...ur both leg patah..
swear la
oo..u telling lie.. haiz..
i knew it
Terence says:
dun worry la.. he will not be with me de la.. ok? happy ?
Keith says:
tat;s not my concern..
he tried to hook up with u b4.. haiz
Terence says:
no la
Keith says:
sad sad sad
Terence says:
maybe playing flirting got la..
never hook me up la..
Keith says:
watever la..
Terence says:
hey, dun think too much la
Keith says:
myb i shud stop ths relationship
all bcuz of u.. haiz
Terence says:
he is urs, means it's urs de la
Keith says:
u guys shud being together
Terence says:
u make me sound like i;m bad guy d
Keith says:
bless u guys
Terence says:
hey.. u kiddin me right ? dun scares me wo
Keith says:
i'm serious..
Terence says:
u guys are mean to be together, not me
oh god.. pls tell me that u kiddin
i'm getting really worried now
hey, i dun mean to make things get worst
Keith says:
no la..
Terence says:
i dun wan later doug blame me for losing u
Keith says:
this prob always exist..
u juz the flash point
Terence says:
am i causing you guys not happy?
Keith says:
no la.. i causing u guys unhappy
Terence says:
if u jealous because of my existance, then let me know
Keith says:
hahahahahahahahahaha...
damn funny la u..
Terence says:
u scaring me right now
Keith says:
u scare wat la..
i'm totally kidding
Terence says:
oh gosh, u freaking me out
Keith says:
he flirts with everyone he can get,,,
he juz can't keep his hands off..
Terence says:
hey, now i when u telling me the truth when u lying d
Keith says:
don worry la.. i still like doug la.. won over tat fast...
at least when he got back from uk..
btw.. promise me don tell doug i tell u this kind of thing... plzzz..
Terence says:
fine..
Keith says:
u promise?
if u tell then kaki will patah o..
Douglas, I'm scared. I don't know how already. If you read this, can you please please please treat it as nothing ever happened? I don't want things getting much more complicated. If I meant to be lose you, I'll accept my fate and not getting unbearable moment or situation. I do not want to make enemy with Keith.
Below are the conversation between Keith and me:
Keith says:
did he tried to hook up with u?
Terence says:
wat a question?
Keith says:
juz tell
Terence says:
no la
Keith says:
izzit the truth?
Terence says:
i'm so skinny, ugly sum more, i cant beat his ex la..
Keith says:
u din answer me
Terence says:
u are more fashionable than me, u think he likes me meh?
Keith says:
i dunno..he like skinny guy
answer me la
Terence says:
no la.. told u d ma
Keith says:
u swear?.. if u telling lie...ur both leg patah..
swear la
oo..u telling lie.. haiz..
i knew it
Terence says:
dun worry la.. he will not be with me de la.. ok? happy ?
Keith says:
tat;s not my concern..
he tried to hook up with u b4.. haiz
Terence says:
no la
Keith says:
sad sad sad
Terence says:
maybe playing flirting got la..
never hook me up la..
Keith says:
watever la..
Terence says:
hey, dun think too much la
Keith says:
myb i shud stop ths relationship
all bcuz of u.. haiz
Terence says:
he is urs, means it's urs de la
Keith says:
u guys shud being together
Terence says:
u make me sound like i;m bad guy d
Keith says:
bless u guys
Terence says:
hey.. u kiddin me right ? dun scares me wo
Keith says:
i'm serious..
Terence says:
u guys are mean to be together, not me
oh god.. pls tell me that u kiddin
i'm getting really worried now
hey, i dun mean to make things get worst
Keith says:
no la..
Terence says:
i dun wan later doug blame me for losing u
Keith says:
this prob always exist..
u juz the flash point
Terence says:
am i causing you guys not happy?
Keith says:
no la.. i causing u guys unhappy
Terence says:
if u jealous because of my existance, then let me know
Keith says:
hahahahahahahahahaha...
damn funny la u..
Terence says:
u scaring me right now
Keith says:
u scare wat la..
i'm totally kidding
Terence says:
oh gosh, u freaking me out
Keith says:
he flirts with everyone he can get,,,
he juz can't keep his hands off..
Terence says:
hey, now i when u telling me the truth when u lying d
Keith says:
don worry la.. i still like doug la.. won over tat fast...
at least when he got back from uk..
btw.. promise me don tell doug i tell u this kind of thing... plzzz..
Terence says:
fine..
Keith says:
u promise?
if u tell then kaki will patah o..
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I'm Getting Annoyed by Her
I write this blog here instead of my pioneer blog because I do not want her to read it. I do not want to make things worst. However, she is getting much more annoying now. I told her before that I do not have the money previously when I was thinking to join the direct selling she is talking about. Currently, I'm not interested anymore as I analyst it myself, I'm not that sales kind of person.
She has been calling me for so many times and I told her that I'm not joining as I do not have the cash and I'm not interested at this moment. She keeps on telling me to give her my contact list so she can help me analyst my potential customer or down lines. But how am I going to come up with RM700++ for that stupid direct selling which I'm not interested in working it at all. Is not it wasting my money and time?
I have been telling her so much and I felt at times that she is stalking me. For example that day, she wanted to drive me to her direct selling company to listen (0r brainwashing me) to their selling programs, etc. because she said that she notice my car in in front of my house. So I must be at home. OMG. I just do not know how to get rid of her. She is irritating to me. Worst than those insurance sales person.
Anyway, I did get some feedback from Douglas. It seems he is pretty busy like I presumed. He barely have the time to online and worst, he forget to bring his cellphone charger along with him to UK. So he turn offed his phone and that's why I unable to reach him via cellphone. It's difficult to get to him through the net as well and the time difference.
I wonder how am I going to call him on his birthday. I was thinking to call him that day at evening (roughly in the morning for UK) to sing him a birthday song to surprise him. It seems my plan is down the drain. Even though I have his UK number now, but I'm not sure what time I can call him. I worry I'll disturb him (either his sleep or when he is working).
This Saturday is his big day. I wonder will he able to answer my call if I call him. Maybe I should be more confident in him. I mean I think he would not be angry even I did disturb him a little due to my intention is good right? ^^
She has been calling me for so many times and I told her that I'm not joining as I do not have the cash and I'm not interested at this moment. She keeps on telling me to give her my contact list so she can help me analyst my potential customer or down lines. But how am I going to come up with RM700++ for that stupid direct selling which I'm not interested in working it at all. Is not it wasting my money and time?
I have been telling her so much and I felt at times that she is stalking me. For example that day, she wanted to drive me to her direct selling company to listen (0r brainwashing me) to their selling programs, etc. because she said that she notice my car in in front of my house. So I must be at home. OMG. I just do not know how to get rid of her. She is irritating to me. Worst than those insurance sales person.
Anyway, I did get some feedback from Douglas. It seems he is pretty busy like I presumed. He barely have the time to online and worst, he forget to bring his cellphone charger along with him to UK. So he turn offed his phone and that's why I unable to reach him via cellphone. It's difficult to get to him through the net as well and the time difference.
I wonder how am I going to call him on his birthday. I was thinking to call him that day at evening (roughly in the morning for UK) to sing him a birthday song to surprise him. It seems my plan is down the drain. Even though I have his UK number now, but I'm not sure what time I can call him. I worry I'll disturb him (either his sleep or when he is working).
This Saturday is his big day. I wonder will he able to answer my call if I call him. Maybe I should be more confident in him. I mean I think he would not be angry even I did disturb him a little due to my intention is good right? ^^
Monday, September 7, 2009
Waiting For You
I've been waiting for his call or message for these past few days. However, I just got his love point for Axcest today instead. I try to call his Maxis number but can't get to him at all. His UK number less a digit, so I can't get to him too.
He did not online in MSN or Skype. The only thing I see him that makes me know that he is still there was he did online in Axcest. But then I send him several messages but then no reply I get from him. I guess maybe he is busy with something there. I'm so missing him but then I really have no more idea how to get to him already.
In my blog here, I also have no idea whether he did read it or not. He did not leave any comment or reply me regarding what I wrote here. It's either he have not read it yet or he did not leave any message here at all. I really hope to hear from his real soon. There will be another 4 more days to his birthday and 6 more days before he coming back to KL.
He did not online in MSN or Skype. The only thing I see him that makes me know that he is still there was he did online in Axcest. But then I send him several messages but then no reply I get from him. I guess maybe he is busy with something there. I'm so missing him but then I really have no more idea how to get to him already.
In my blog here, I also have no idea whether he did read it or not. He did not leave any comment or reply me regarding what I wrote here. It's either he have not read it yet or he did not leave any message here at all. I really hope to hear from his real soon. There will be another 4 more days to his birthday and 6 more days before he coming back to KL.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Where is My Dougie?
It's been two days that I have not contacted him or rather I have no news about him. The very last thing I remember now are he called me around 10.00pm telling me he is in airport and waiting for his flight at 11.30pm. Due to the line was bad, he text me telling me that he will text me when he get to UK. Other than that is the comment he left me yesterday midnight, around 2.00am on my blog site.
Anyway, for now I have not receive any news from him. I guess he must be safely reach UK and might be busy with his stuff. I just hope he can reply my message or comment in my blog. At least I feel he is still there. LOL. I miss him so much.
I really cannot wait to hear from him again. I have the eagerness to call him and say hi. But then I worry I will disturb him. Dare not to annoys him. I'm wondering what is he doing there now. I'm kinda miss him right now. Being thinking of him all the time today.
This morning, I went for my dancing class. I have been looking at my phone so check out whether he did text me or not. Then when I get home, I turn on my laptop and check out whether he is online or not. Then now, same thing but then maybe he is just busy or the time difference make it hard to bump into him.
I guess now it is 4.31pm at UK but here already 11.31pm. If he will be online at 6.00pm later, here will be 2.00am, most probably I'm asleep like a pig already. Next morning, it's midnight for him, probably he is sleeping as well. Hope my luck to be able to talk to him as soon as possible. I really want to hear his voice, and the best I can see him as well. LOL. Greedy me ^^
Anyway, for now I have not receive any news from him. I guess he must be safely reach UK and might be busy with his stuff. I just hope he can reply my message or comment in my blog. At least I feel he is still there. LOL. I miss him so much.
I really cannot wait to hear from him again. I have the eagerness to call him and say hi. But then I worry I will disturb him. Dare not to annoys him. I'm wondering what is he doing there now. I'm kinda miss him right now. Being thinking of him all the time today.
This morning, I went for my dancing class. I have been looking at my phone so check out whether he did text me or not. Then when I get home, I turn on my laptop and check out whether he is online or not. Then now, same thing but then maybe he is just busy or the time difference make it hard to bump into him.
I guess now it is 4.31pm at UK but here already 11.31pm. If he will be online at 6.00pm later, here will be 2.00am, most probably I'm asleep like a pig already. Next morning, it's midnight for him, probably he is sleeping as well. Hope my luck to be able to talk to him as soon as possible. I really want to hear his voice, and the best I can see him as well. LOL. Greedy me ^^
Saturday, September 5, 2009
I Miss You, Dougie ^^
At last, he did post a comment in my previous blog (I Had The Worst Period Ever). The most encouraging message there is, "I will miss you and I can't wait to see you when I'm home. Love you". It really melts my heart away with it.
I will rise again one fine day. So now as my mother also understand how I feel, she told me to take it easy. She asked me to take it as another month of vacation period. LOL. I guess this is my most broke vacation I am having right now. I'm freaky broke right now, can only stay at home most of the time and dare not to spent more than RM30 per week.
I really miss you, Dougie. I know you will miss me and I really hope that you really can make it for me this time to see me when you get back to KL. I really hope your hugs calm me down and your kisses can kiss my pain away. I've been waiting for any of your reply from this morning. However, I guess due to jet lag, you might need some time to rest before getting to me.
I just want you to know, I'm missing you right now, right here and dying to see you as soon as possible. I really hope I can be by your side right now but I can't. It's also okay, giving you some personal time to enjoy with your parents later. I just hope to see your smile again. LOL.
I wonder now how am I going to contact you. Should I text you to your Maxis number or the +4478787XXXX? Is it fixed line or mobile line? I text you this afternoon but then you didn't reply me. Hope to hear from you soon. ^^
I will rise again one fine day. So now as my mother also understand how I feel, she told me to take it easy. She asked me to take it as another month of vacation period. LOL. I guess this is my most broke vacation I am having right now. I'm freaky broke right now, can only stay at home most of the time and dare not to spent more than RM30 per week.
I really miss you, Dougie. I know you will miss me and I really hope that you really can make it for me this time to see me when you get back to KL. I really hope your hugs calm me down and your kisses can kiss my pain away. I've been waiting for any of your reply from this morning. However, I guess due to jet lag, you might need some time to rest before getting to me.
I just want you to know, I'm missing you right now, right here and dying to see you as soon as possible. I really hope I can be by your side right now but I can't. It's also okay, giving you some personal time to enjoy with your parents later. I just hope to see your smile again. LOL.
I wonder now how am I going to contact you. Should I text you to your Maxis number or the +4478787XXXX? Is it fixed line or mobile line? I text you this afternoon but then you didn't reply me. Hope to hear from you soon. ^^
Friday, September 4, 2009
A Song
I posted an old Chinese song titled, "Qi Qing Liu Yu (七情六欲)". I found that the chorus part kinda sing my feeling somehow.
"给你的心不要你还, 痛不要你偿。陪你走过一段, 七情六欲全都品尝"
(I give him my heart, does not need him to repay me. My pain does not need him to go through it. Accompany him go through "Seven emotions and six sensory pleasures" kind of journey). This really true. I love him, and although being as a third party, the pain I'm going through (although he too have the troubles in maintaining both of us), I need not him to go through. Even just a short one month we have being together, I really go thought a lot with him.
"给你的心不要你还, 痛不要你偿。陪你走过一段, 七情六欲全都品尝"
(I give him my heart, does not need him to repay me. My pain does not need him to go through it. Accompany him go through "Seven emotions and six sensory pleasures" kind of journey). This really true. I love him, and although being as a third party, the pain I'm going through (although he too have the troubles in maintaining both of us), I need not him to go through. Even just a short one month we have being together, I really go thought a lot with him.
"爱你的苦不要你扛, 泪不要你挡。七情六欲打翻。 笑著哭哭著笑去想, 你的模样 。
(Loves you but not wanting you to shoulder painstakingly, the tear does not want you to keep off. The seven emotions and six sensory pleasures overturn. Smiles during crying and while smile again, thought that your appearance - [kinda direct translation]). Well, this almost true. However, I do want him shoulder to cry if I can. Even everything really overturn one day, I guess I'll still recall his everything. I might be crying yet smiling at the same time.
So for now, I just hope to treasure every moment I have with him not matter what. Any time he can spare just for me is really a gift. I know I'll get jealous at times when he need to spent with him boyfriend. I guess this is the only time I'm loving someone so much that I don't mind being third party. Really feel like Celine Dion song, "The Power of Love".. LOL..
I Had The Worst Period Ever
I felt like bad luck is chasing me somehow. Yesterday I'm down, I thought today wake up, go for swimming at Bukit Jalil will freshen me up. It really did and makes me throw forget all the unhappy moment of last night. However, nightmare have not yet gone for me.
Just now, I received a call from AIA Shared Services again. They told me that the clinic called them again and told them they can't confirm my test until my final culture test to be develop (which will be in the first week of October). So they had to delay my intake to the company. Gosh, I really felt like a big stone fall upon me. Hardly breath anymore, really sad and I want to cry so much. What on Earth is happening to me?
Now, I have another one month on vacation to wait for it or what? I'm planning to get a part time job. I'm totally broke as I mentioned on my previous blog. I thought start working this month, then I'll have my salary on the following month, so I can cover all my expenditure, etc. But now instead of having income, I have nothing.
Now, I'm really out of my mind how am I going to survive already. How am I going to pay my Fitness First fee next month? How am I going to pay my insurance premium? Do I have the money to spent for petrol, parking, food, basic needs, etc.? I use up all my saving already but then still so doom. I felt like dying already.
Today, I really can feel best what is the feeling of lose everything. NO career, NO money, NO boyfriend to console me now, NO lover to be by my side, and NO idea how am I going to survive. I think from this week onwards, I'll cut down my expenses on food during the weekends (as my mother didn't cook). So only bread for breakfast, no lunch and just a few bucks to spent for dinner. Not much travelling, just only go Fitness First 3 times a week to cut down petrol consumption.
I guess this way I can survive a bit as my mother still cook dinner from Monday to Friday, breakfast just bread, no lunch and all this I treat it as diet program. No more junk food, except my balance Hersey's Kisses chocolate. No more movie in the cinema, no more extra entertainment which require me to pay for. So I guess you all can see me stuck at home most of the time again. Maybe worst than last month.
I'm crying tearlessly now, with nobody seeing it. Hide inside my room all alone. Kinda wanna isolate myself. I wonder will I suffer from self-isolation soon after all this worst time I am stuck with. Career = failure and wait forever; Love = third party and he will not be mine; Money = broke like hell; Health = Not even sure as culture test is not develop yet (although I seriously think I'm OK). So what I post on Facebook for that four categories, that quiz sucks. None of it seems good. (T.T)
Just now, I received a call from AIA Shared Services again. They told me that the clinic called them again and told them they can't confirm my test until my final culture test to be develop (which will be in the first week of October). So they had to delay my intake to the company. Gosh, I really felt like a big stone fall upon me. Hardly breath anymore, really sad and I want to cry so much. What on Earth is happening to me?
Now, I have another one month on vacation to wait for it or what? I'm planning to get a part time job. I'm totally broke as I mentioned on my previous blog. I thought start working this month, then I'll have my salary on the following month, so I can cover all my expenditure, etc. But now instead of having income, I have nothing.
Now, I'm really out of my mind how am I going to survive already. How am I going to pay my Fitness First fee next month? How am I going to pay my insurance premium? Do I have the money to spent for petrol, parking, food, basic needs, etc.? I use up all my saving already but then still so doom. I felt like dying already.
Today, I really can feel best what is the feeling of lose everything. NO career, NO money, NO boyfriend to console me now, NO lover to be by my side, and NO idea how am I going to survive. I think from this week onwards, I'll cut down my expenses on food during the weekends (as my mother didn't cook). So only bread for breakfast, no lunch and just a few bucks to spent for dinner. Not much travelling, just only go Fitness First 3 times a week to cut down petrol consumption.
I guess this way I can survive a bit as my mother still cook dinner from Monday to Friday, breakfast just bread, no lunch and all this I treat it as diet program. No more junk food, except my balance Hersey's Kisses chocolate. No more movie in the cinema, no more extra entertainment which require me to pay for. So I guess you all can see me stuck at home most of the time again. Maybe worst than last month.
I'm crying tearlessly now, with nobody seeing it. Hide inside my room all alone. Kinda wanna isolate myself. I wonder will I suffer from self-isolation soon after all this worst time I am stuck with. Career = failure and wait forever; Love = third party and he will not be mine; Money = broke like hell; Health = Not even sure as culture test is not develop yet (although I seriously think I'm OK). So what I post on Facebook for that four categories, that quiz sucks. None of it seems good. (T.T)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Suddenly Felt Like I'm Going to Lose A Lot of Things
I don't know why am I upset right now. Yeah, maybe I am really jealous. Perhaps Keith jealous that he spent quite some time with me. I thought tomorrow will be the last day I will see him but not, today is the day and really short. Less than 2 hours.
Although I did not expect anything, just some time he can spent with me and I know it's kinda disappointing when he can't make it. He have personal training to attend to and later (which I know later) to be spending some time with his boyfriend.
Anyway, today is really kinda mix feeling. Having such a hard day. Early morning I went to Fitness First, IOI Mall with Chee Yuen (old secondary straight friend) for gym. After that, catch up with my cousin for the ridiculous horror movie (Final Destination 4). Then I went straight to The Curve, which all my mind was set to meet him and have some good time with him before he will be leaving tomorrow. Anyway, all this is gone.
I really happy to see him. Maybe if I can have some time with him then everything is alright. Now, my mood swings. This morning, I have eaten some noodles (which share with my mother as I'm in rush so I just ate a little), then noon I just have 3 pieces of nugget and a tall size java chip. So today, I guess I burn a lot of calories and consume the very less. I did not feel taking dinner as no appetite. Anyway, it's normal for me. Just some emotion swings causing me lose my appetite, nothing serious.
Anyway, I did plan to eat my dinner although don't feel like eating. However, after I shop for swim suit, I realise I have no more money. LOL. I left RM3 only. So I decided not to eat instead. I only have RM200 to use (for transportation, food, parking, etc.) till I got my pay slip (T.T). So, my dinner tonight is just some Hersey's Kisses he brought for me last 2 weeks, which left like quarter. I ate too much past few days.
I somehow already felt something might go wrong as these few days chatting with Keith, he seems protective over Douglas. I do not know whether he found out something or he purely jealous or he just wanna make sure I do not lay a finger on his boyfriend. Being a third party really not an easy thing. I gotta take care all my feelings (either high or low) all by myself at times. I really hope to cry out loud to release the bad feeling.
This is why I say I feel like I'm gonna lose everything kinda feeling. I got a job, but I have no money, no boyfriend, lover not around me, and no time spent with him (understood he is trying too spare some for me). I did feel he is suffering for us. I do just hope he is happy then okay. I don't wanna matter anything anymore. I don't want him to feel suffer for me. I know I felt hurt inside but it's more hurting to see someone I love hurt himself for me too.
Doug, I love you and I do hope you always happy. Don't worry about me getting upset. Seeing you happy, satisfied me already. Maybe till a day there is someone able to capture my heart, it will distract the pain I'm having for you. Meanwhile, I will bare anything. Just be yourself, and stay healthy and charming.
It's better after typing such a long story. I guess nobody interested in reading such a "long gas" crap.
Although I did not expect anything, just some time he can spent with me and I know it's kinda disappointing when he can't make it. He have personal training to attend to and later (which I know later) to be spending some time with his boyfriend.
Anyway, today is really kinda mix feeling. Having such a hard day. Early morning I went to Fitness First, IOI Mall with Chee Yuen (old secondary straight friend) for gym. After that, catch up with my cousin for the ridiculous horror movie (Final Destination 4). Then I went straight to The Curve, which all my mind was set to meet him and have some good time with him before he will be leaving tomorrow. Anyway, all this is gone.
I really happy to see him. Maybe if I can have some time with him then everything is alright. Now, my mood swings. This morning, I have eaten some noodles (which share with my mother as I'm in rush so I just ate a little), then noon I just have 3 pieces of nugget and a tall size java chip. So today, I guess I burn a lot of calories and consume the very less. I did not feel taking dinner as no appetite. Anyway, it's normal for me. Just some emotion swings causing me lose my appetite, nothing serious.
Anyway, I did plan to eat my dinner although don't feel like eating. However, after I shop for swim suit, I realise I have no more money. LOL. I left RM3 only. So I decided not to eat instead. I only have RM200 to use (for transportation, food, parking, etc.) till I got my pay slip (T.T). So, my dinner tonight is just some Hersey's Kisses he brought for me last 2 weeks, which left like quarter. I ate too much past few days.
I somehow already felt something might go wrong as these few days chatting with Keith, he seems protective over Douglas. I do not know whether he found out something or he purely jealous or he just wanna make sure I do not lay a finger on his boyfriend. Being a third party really not an easy thing. I gotta take care all my feelings (either high or low) all by myself at times. I really hope to cry out loud to release the bad feeling.
This is why I say I feel like I'm gonna lose everything kinda feeling. I got a job, but I have no money, no boyfriend, lover not around me, and no time spent with him (understood he is trying too spare some for me). I did feel he is suffering for us. I do just hope he is happy then okay. I don't wanna matter anything anymore. I don't want him to feel suffer for me. I know I felt hurt inside but it's more hurting to see someone I love hurt himself for me too.
Doug, I love you and I do hope you always happy. Don't worry about me getting upset. Seeing you happy, satisfied me already. Maybe till a day there is someone able to capture my heart, it will distract the pain I'm having for you. Meanwhile, I will bare anything. Just be yourself, and stay healthy and charming.
It's better after typing such a long story. I guess nobody interested in reading such a "long gas" crap.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Soon, He Will Be Leaving For 2 Weeks
This Friday might be the last day of the week that I might see him around till he is back after almost 2 weeks in England (if I'm not mistaken). I'm pretty surprise that he text-ed me yesterday evening. "Hey, had a good day? Miss you. XO" was the message. I'm so melted. LOL.
Although he was going to gym, but then he did text me makes my day more lively. I had a so so day only. Currently waiting for the company to response to me. The HR department, Ms Irene did called me yesterday. It seems that they haven't get the letter from the clinic. She told me she will be calling them and if everything is fine, I might start working next week. That's what I really hope as well.
Anyway, I just found out yesterday that my Fitness First member card is missing. I did told Douglas about it. He told me to tell the receptionist that I lost my card and ask for replacement. Maybe need to pay a small amount for the card replacement. It seems the more I want to reduce my expenditure, the more I need to spent on things that I less expected. I don't know how long I can last with my savings now. *Sob Sob*
So I guess I'll replace my Fitness First card either tomorrow or Friday. Maybe I should say I'll replace it when I go Fitness First. Today I might not be going as I need to drive my mother out to the bank and buy some grocery stuff. My biceps still hurting badly (Oh yeah, you successful to cause me having muscle sore so badly now). Maybe tomorrow I'll only go for gym.
Douglas, if you reading it, please drop a few words if possible. I really hope that you leave some memories in my blog. Just like a signature that you ever landed on this blog. ^^
Although he was going to gym, but then he did text me makes my day more lively. I had a so so day only. Currently waiting for the company to response to me. The HR department, Ms Irene did called me yesterday. It seems that they haven't get the letter from the clinic. She told me she will be calling them and if everything is fine, I might start working next week. That's what I really hope as well.
Anyway, I just found out yesterday that my Fitness First member card is missing. I did told Douglas about it. He told me to tell the receptionist that I lost my card and ask for replacement. Maybe need to pay a small amount for the card replacement. It seems the more I want to reduce my expenditure, the more I need to spent on things that I less expected. I don't know how long I can last with my savings now. *Sob Sob*
So I guess I'll replace my Fitness First card either tomorrow or Friday. Maybe I should say I'll replace it when I go Fitness First. Today I might not be going as I need to drive my mother out to the bank and buy some grocery stuff. My biceps still hurting badly (Oh yeah, you successful to cause me having muscle sore so badly now). Maybe tomorrow I'll only go for gym.
Douglas, if you reading it, please drop a few words if possible. I really hope that you leave some memories in my blog. Just like a signature that you ever landed on this blog. ^^
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