Emo is Out, Missing Someone

My emotional issue have just rule out. Seeing him today does a little bit of trick to calm me down. I have no idea why I am still so in love with him. Am I being crazy or am I really that bad, wanting to cause him so much misery? I have no idea.

However, I do really miss him. I do really love him and I know he does that too to me. Maybe not as much as to compare to someone I know that no one can actually replace his place in his heart, but I still feel that he cares about me more than most guys does other than my best friends.

I am missing him so much. Most of all is his hugs and kisses. I actually really feel like hugging him tightly, or even the best will be resting my head on his chest, listening to his heart beat while he fall asleep. I did that once before and I really love it. I miss that sensation, that feeling, that moment.

To be able to spend a night with him is really not easy. He can't be overnight at anyone place as he likes. If I really wanted to spent a night at his place, it will be merely chances when no one is actually at home as his place. But to think of it, the chances for me to have that chances is approximately zero. If that chance turns out, it will be his boyfriend to get that privilege and not me.

I can see that his boyfriend does give him some hard time. However, I know that he will not mind about it and show him uncountable amount of love and toleration. I do envy him having such a boyfriend where me myself is not that lucky one. I guess when he is not around in Malaysia, I will be like someone in the dessert, cause the only guy that I do feel care most about me is not around anymore. I am pretty scare actually.

I Am So Useless

I thought that it's easy to be try hard as usual to be acting nothing seeing them two together. Well, today it does not seems that easy. Maybe I am emotional today after such a bad week and am I not really feeling very well, with my sore throat and flu. But I try to make myself to be there as long as I can see him,

I did it today, went to the gym together. I did even went for dinner and the group session with him and his boyfriend. Seeing them at dinner which I try my best to be like nothing it's pretty tough. But I think I still did it kinda well. I can control all my emotion. It's not the first time but the group session is kinda painful.

I have no idea why. Probably seeing most of them there, some of them already engage, some still single but I think they are happening some how. I am really that I am pretty useless. I am not talented, I am nothing there. At least K have Doug. Me? I have no idea. Seeing Doug hugs or even rubs his head on K does makes me feel bad. I guess I am jealous.

I know I would not get any of those recognition as someone's boyfriend unless I own one myself. I am like so called borrowing him from someone else without his knowledge. I feel I am so fake at that group just now. Try my best not to show any signs of bad feeling. I know I am so unless. I felt a sudden loneliness that surrounds me which I can't bear it now which I bust out right after we left.

I held on with that loneliness feeling till everyone is gone. Till I am at my car on the way back, and I cried. It just happened. I guess I am just lonely and maybe I am jealous too. I felt bad about it. I should not be jealous. Why am I being so lame? Why am I so weak?

I know Doug loves me but I will not replace his place in his heart. I know my status and position. But why am I feeling bad just now? Am I putting too much feeling in it? Like what Doug said today, he do hope that there will be someone to take care of me when he is gone to Singapore. I know I will miss him.

After he left, I guess he might loses the feeling with me. The distance that separates us apart might be an issue. Probably K have no problem with that as they have a lot more establish relationship. I having this problem now. Am I able to move on when he is gone? I think I am really in love with him. I do not even dare to think about or probably even avoid thinking that he is not around me.

Who will be going to the gym with me on weekends? Who is there to take care of me? Who will be there for me when I am down? Will I be strong enough to take that he is leaving me? I am really worry about it. I am scared I think. I am really scare. God, please guide me. What should I do?

Lets forget it. I am thinking too much I guess. Lets drop this and go to bed. Tomorrow always a better day. Maybe all I can do to make myself feel better is to pray. All I pray to our merciful Lord is to bless Doug. All I want is he have a good life, a happy life, safe and healthy. I will always love him deep inside and lets keep it that way.

Indescribable Feeling

I am having indescribable feeling inside me. I know that we are having the dinner tonight together as in the three of us, somehow like before. However, I do still have the bad feeling. Maybe it's been a long time since the last dinner with them, I have a twisted mind thinking something absolutely stupid.

This morning was good. I did meet him up at the gym working out. Did things that we usually did which is having our lunch together. Pretty like a routine but we did have a walk or a light shopping where he got some breakfast bar and I got my chocolate drink.

Anyway, he does not usually try to touch me so much as per today, which turns me on. I think I did blushed and I wonder did I show my horny faces. Thinking it back, I feel embarrass about it. However, it does feel good.

What keep me thinking now is things that might be happen later. I will be meeting up for dinner and as I guess, we will join a group later at the evening except for his boyfriend. He told me that K is bored about that group thingy last week.

Back to square one, I still feel nervous and some kind of indescribable feeling inside of me that might going to explode. I hope everything goes on fine later and I would not embarrass myself yet does not cause any unhappy moment or event. I just hope that he is happy.

Counting Down on My Birthday

Exactly 3 weeks from now will be my birthday. I am still not sure how it will turns out to be. I do not even have the gut to think about it, not to mention to have expectation on it either. It's been not that interesting or it does not turns out to be that good for past few years.

I do still remember the first time I promised myself to celebrate my birthday every year, which is when I am still 18 years old. I did celebrated at Redbox with some schoolmates and some tuition-mates. The following year, celebrated at school with classmates, which was a simple one. My 20th birthday, it was at Wong Kok Char Chan Teng, near my area with Form 6's friends.

My 21st birthday was special as I celebrated at home, family made it happen for me, which out of ordinary because I did invite my course-mates, my high schoolmates and as well as gay friends. It's the first time ever I did such thing and celebrated with some gay friends although I did not know them all, since some of them were my ex-boyfriend's friends.

I guess after that, my birthday seems rather not that special anymore. The following year, my ex forgot about my birthday and went to gamble at Genting. It's only my best friend, BH and Thava were there for me, having a 'yum cha' session with me.

My 23rd birthday, I have already broke up with my ex, and I did celebrated with a guy who wanted to date me. However, it's a cheap date where he dined with me at Steven cafe, which is literally a high class mamak stall. LOL.

Here it goes all my celebrations that I gone through and I think it's not likely to have such special time again or memorable ones as always. I don't find that high schoolmates and course-mates are that close to me anymore to celebrate my birthday as it does not happen to me at all this few years except for BH. He did at least have a drink with me.

I wonder how it will turns out to be this year. Will I be alone this year? Will he celebrate with me alone? Or will it be nobody actually care about it? I know my mother will not really bother much and especially my brother. Probably my sister will wish me birthday.

I think I crap a lot here tonight. Probably I am jealous of him since he is coming to KL and meeting Doug up. So I have no chance of meeting him up for gym. Or maybe I am stressful lately as I always tends to get those tough cases to handle at work and I am wanting someone to pamper me. Whichever it is, I think I am so lame. Lord, do make me stronger. Amen.

Uneasy Feeling

This week, I will have to work longer hour almost everyday from tomorrow. Suppose to be started today as the work loads getting higher. However, I thought of that meeting him tonight and I told my manager that I have something on this evening. I am able to work late from tomorrow.

Suppose to meet him up earlier for gym, since he told me that the road to gym is flooded and having a very bad jam, so I decided to get there slightly later. That's why I have the time to blog here.

I am leaving soon for him. I guess today will be the only day for the weekdays I am able to meet him early. The rest, most probably he will be busy or I will be meeting him up late, which I do not think he will wanted it. He will be tired after whole day working and gym after that.

Anyway, I have no idea is it this that troubles me. I am having some kind of uneasy feeling which I cannot describe it myself. Is it intuition or some kind of premonition? I am really having no freaking idea.

But thinking of I might be able to join him to the group that he mentioned before on coming Saturday really makes me nervous. What will encounter or experience do capture my curiosity.

Lost Direction

I am wonder am I losing my direction or not. I used to be thinking that or hoping to get a decent boyfriend and settle myself to that person and that is it. The previous me, I will try my best not involving myself into anyone's relationship. However, I am now stuck in between Doug and K.

Although it does feels like I am against my own principles, but I do not think I regret doing so. I do really love him which makes me do such a big drastic changes perhaps. Never in my life did such big changes.

Knowing today that I will never ever be his boyfriend does hurt me a little. Probably a little more than I can say but I think I can bare it. I did expect the answer anyway. It's not that I am not prepared for it. I knew that I will never ever able to replace such an important places or him in his heart.

He did told me that he prefers to keep me in this way, at least we are still friend no matter what. He do not hope that we will ended up hating each other or not talking to each other is something bad happens. Frankly speaking, I do still prefer if he can take me as boyfriend than not as one.

For me, no matter what, which I think would not be much worst than what Bryan did to me previously, I do not feel that I will be hating him or not talking to him. Maybe my thought is just simple. I thought that if I love that person and he likes me, we can be lover or in relationship. Even if relationship does not work out last, we can still be friend.

I always do so and I do. A few of my ex-lover to turns out to be my friends or even to be my so called brother although they would like to spent more time with their new boyfriend or even going for their dates than hang out with me most. LOL.

I know that he will be reading my blog as he always do. I just want him to know that I did not mean to force him to do anything to pleased me about this issue. I just wanted to blog it to release what is in my mind. I know he will only treat me and be my friend and not more than that even thought we are not normal friend.

Whatever it is, I am glad to know him and I am happy for all the time that we have been through. However, I just have a feeling of that I am losing my direction a little bit. Maybe I am thinking too much too. What will I ended up later in my life? Will I be alone when I grew older? Am I still single when I am at the age of 30, 4o or even at 50? I guess I have to leave this to God.

Now, I just hope to cherish every bits of my life where he still around with me. I am better after crapping it out here. It's not a really big matter. I know he will say I am simpleton that never say NO or probably to easy going. It's me, and probably that make him likes me in the first place. LOL.

Not So Sure This Week Is It Not That Good For Me

Lately, I have been working overtime for nothing. I mean without pay due to the cases that I got lately is incredible tough to process and the system making me look like an idiot and causes me not to meet up with my quota of the day. The result, working overtime without pay.

Anyway, thanks to Doug, I had a great night with him on Friday, which means yesterday watching Alice in Wonderland at Cineleisure. So it does cheer me a little bit for the week except for things that going on for this weekend. Well, it totally slip off my mind at the first place but my mother just reminded me on Thursday about it.

It's my cousin's wedding. Well, it's not the interesting thing to be in. I personally hate to attend such dinner (not exactly hating it but feeling uneasy) because I know no one there. Not as if I am that close with my cousin, which he is already aged more than thirty.

Ended up, I guess I can't be there to the group that Doug was talking about since this Monday as it is. Probably I will be meeting up with the rest later at night. I am feeling pretty rush for everything that I wanted to do. My intuition tells me that I might having some difficulty to join the group this week.

As usual, my mother always wants to be following that old tradition or so-called manners. For example, going for relatives certain events, helping out the relatives for certain things, and all those Chinese old customs that so-called giving face kind of shit. For instance, my mother woke me up so that I could helped my aunt to drive her car to fix the flatten tyre just now.

Later, I have to fetch my younger cousin from The Garden and have to drive all of them to KL for the wedding dinner. By the way, I do feel pretty tired of all this. There are certain times that I felt that I'm to bound to what my mother expect me to do. I do hope that she could drop some to my elder brother than pushing it too much on me.

Anyway, if I am able to meet up with Doug tonight at the group, I will be seeing his boyfriend as well. I do not know whether this will be something good or not as in I am having such a bad days lately. Will I be jealous or upset if I am not able to control my emotion as before? I do not want to make a scene there and trouble him.

I have no idea why suddenly I do think of him and I do think of us. I miss him right now as I do feel that I needed him so badly because all the things that I have gone through lately and I am not feeling that well today. At the same time, I do not dare to disturb him or even text him, which might cause his boyfriend to make a fuss about it and he will be having the hard time.

I have no idea where I am standing right now. I only know that he is very important person to me. I feel that I surpass the normal friend level but I am not even close to be a lover level to him. So where do I stand right now? Best friend? I do not feel the same for a best friend. Lover? I am not his boyfriend. I guess I am emotional at the moment which makes me think of stupid thing. Lets drop it.

It's A Great Day

It's been a great day today. I went to the gym for my dance class today and everyone (almost everyone) wearing white today. I'm not missing out the trend. Some dance mates took some picture and short video and posted it on Facebook. I think I look pretty nerdy there. LOL.

After the dance and some light work out, Charles went to Mid Valley with me to catch up a movie. I wanted to watch Alice in Wonderland at first but then we did not manage to get the seating, and we ended up watching Confucious in the end.

Nothing much to talk about Charles and me hanging out at Mid Valley. Both of us kind of broke I guess, but then it seems like I am always tolerating him on food wise. We ended up eating Pizza Hut again where I found their service in MV is horrible.

I guess meeting up with Doug is the most interesting part of the story for me. I have no idea why today I have flash back of things that we done together or places we went to, etc. A lots of things I wanted to share with him but ended up, I can't recall all of it. Maybe I am too focus on him only.

Oh ya, I was wanting to tell him about my experience in Fitness First, IOI Mall. The stupid receptionist lost my membership card. I have no idea how they manage to lose it. Probably mistaken with someone else and give them my card because they actually giving me someone else card went I was about to leave. How ironic.

However, they realize their fault and I told them I am not going to the gym tomorrow at IOI Mall. I will most probably be going to The Curve. Out of desperation and running out of options, they get me a new card FOC. So this is the second card replacement I get in a year. LOL.

An Unexpected Saturday

It was suppose to be, or I think it should be boring Saturday as I mention in my previous blog. Things just does not go that way as I think, and it goes pretty not bad actually. At least keeps me occupied a little.

Charles asked me for gym in the morning, and I did went for it kinda early, as early as 9.30 am. Probably I am lazy too, so I skipped Herny's class and join my colleague and her friend for an Japanese anime movie at Cathay. Before that, we went for lunch first of course.

However, I went home straight after the movie and did not have time to catch up with her and her friend, probably boyfriend but she just said that guy is her senior. LOL. Anyway, things just go on and stuff. I mean, forget it, not that important like being a driver for my family and getting a hair cut.

Probably Lonely Saturday

I just get to know today that Doug is not free for the Saturday RPM class with me. I guess I will be bored this Saturday. Frankly speaking, I do feel a little jealous, since his boyfriend have all his time this weekend as he will be staying over for a night.

If I knew that this is going to happen, I think I might take the call from my team leader for this Saturday overtime to clear up the cases from the old system. At least it occupies my time a little and I will earn some cash. Now, I guess most probably I will stuck at home.

As usual, Saturday morning I will take either bread or oatmeal for breakfast. Probably after that, if I'm nutty enough to go for RPM alone, which I do not think it would likely to be, then I'll be kill some time in the afternoon. If not, then I will sit at home watching TV whole day long.

I'm thinking what will I get for myself for lunch and dinner. This is the hardest thing to do, since I will be alone. I hate eating alone. Hopefully one of my friend will be able to spare time for me and make my day.

Now, I'm frustrated just as my mother, the stupid bathroom's door got cranky, and it cannot be close properly since last week. The matter get worst today where the door lock (the pistol and the hole type) spoiled. The pistol or stick broken and the whole door now unable to close at all. I wonder how am I going to use the bathroom tomorrow morning and the rest of the week.

I have a intuition that there might be some bad things going to happen around me. This might be some of it only. I hope I can cope with all the hassle that I might face later. God bless me.

Alice in Wonderland

I wanted to watch this movie so much but then I do not think there will be someone to watch with me. It's kinda hard to really find someone to watch a good movie with me. I mean, I do not want to watch with simply anyone, but I do not think I have a choice.

Today, it's Sunday. I guess to get the tickets now is difficult. Not to mention that no one have actually ask me to watch this movie together. Basically, I will be stuck at home as usual if there is nobody asking me to hang out, which I am now. I am so alone right now, and I am missing him.

If I am not mistaken, Doug will be watching it with his boyfriend. Since this is a good movie and yet I know myself, it is not that easy by chance for me to have the opportunity to watch a movie with him. Thinking back, in this more than half a year relationship with him, the number of movies that we watched together can be count using one of my hand.

Charles most likely will be watching with his other friends or perhaps some of his dates. Rarely he will watch with me too except he really do not have a date to watch with. I'm his last resort kinda thing. Best friend, BH also I do not think he will make it as he probably watch it with his girlfriend.

I do not want to miss this movie but I guess I have no choice. Worst come to worst, I will have to watch the DVD version of this movie. Probably my brother will be getting the pirated version of DVD to watch it, so I can borrow it later. But, the feeling of watching it alone still sucks. I still prefer watching it in the cinema.

So today, probably I will be at home like now, watching TV alone to kill time. I might need to start thinking what I will be eating for dinner. It's Sunday, Mum did not cook. Will I be taking shakes again for dinner? I can't skip dinner again, or else he will kill me. LOL.

Blank

My head when blank right now. I planned to write a blog about me. I mean like what I wanted to voice out but it seems my mind is not cleared. It's been hay-wired condition that I do not know what to write about. Since I already sign in, mind as well I just write something.

Today I did eat at least something for dinner. Since I can't make up my mind on what to eat, I ended up eating Subway today for dinner. It suppose to be not too expensive, or rather cheap actually. However, thinking of my financial constrain, I cannot use the money I have like open a running tap water.

I am actually still confused about myself regarding my job. Should I leave this company now and search for a better pay job now or should I wait till I am at the company for a least a year so that my experience in the company counts before I leave. I figured it out that it's hard to make a good decision.

I'm still lost and I do not know what to do. Seeing Doug, where he is restless due to the stress from his work, I felt bad as I can't help him in anyway except being his ear to listen. There rest, I guess I have to leave it to God's hand to salvage us again once more.