Have you ever feel being abandoned? I do. Thank God He didn't abandon me. But I'm still feeling being abandon by someone else. That's my boyfriend.
I don't mean that he literally abandon me or always, but occasionally. Like today, he invited a friend to church with us. Then we continue to have dinner together. However, he barely talks to me and I'm like faded off to the background.
Occasionally he turns to me to talk kit a word or two. I'm feeling like I'm disturbing them or I'm not part of the gang. Worst, I don't even feel like I'm like his boyfriend for that moment. I'm like merely a friend only.
It's not that good to feel that. Lately this is running in my head, how long will this relationship last? When I'll be past tense? When he will be married? Because he mentioned that he might one day fall in love with a lady and have a family.
This actually tears me apart. He will never understand the pain that I'm going through. My future with him is so insecure. I think he never want to plan his life with me in his future plan nor will he has me in his plan.
I've been thinking, according to pastor, we have to be real, be committed in your relationship. However, what is the point where we were so committed but we didn't include each other in our future plan? Will that part of God's plan for me?
I'm struggling to settle down my frustration and emotion about this but I'm getting no where. I've try to talk to him but we didn't go anywhere. I'm tired to confront him all the time and it's either we ignore the question or he will just tell me that he will still loves me.
Is there no true and everlasting love from a mortal beings that God ever created? Is really I won't gain peace in relationship in gay community? I might choose to live a gay life, but I didn't choose to be gay.
Despite that it's common that the gay circle usually not committed, but I see lots of good example of committed couples. People like Charles and Alwin, Anthony and Alvin, Danny and Sam, Alan and Patrick, and many more.
Lord, I love you and I know you loves me too. I know it's your special day and I did with my capability, I pledged to you an unexpected Christmas gift and I've fulfilled it. I'm just wishing that you could grant my Christmas wish, to send me my life partner and will share his life with me till the day you need me back. In Jesus name I pray, Amen..
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Understanding
I believe that my relationship lack of understanding at times. We doesn't seems to have the same thinking or even able to know what each other needs in their heart. I don't mean mind reading but more on understanding that someone.
I believe I never fully understand him. He changes his idea, plans, etc. at a given period of time. That's all I know. Other than common things that he likes to eat, to drink, and hobbies, I found that I don't know much about his life. He seldom really talk to me about it.
Whereas me, I think I share so many stuff with him whether directly or indirectly about what I like and doesn't like. But it seems that he doesn't get it or perhaps always forget about it. I'm getting used to it and I have to or else huge disappointment again. I like pastor sermon regards to relationship. In one sense, you can't hope too much from a guy. They won't able to understand you.
He was me to be spontaneous. I wanted too but if I do, can he? I'm not spontaneous because I found it hard to have his time for me. I've plan ahead in order to have a confirmed time being with him. If I don't, I worry like last time, he will just forget about me and go on with his other stuff and I'll feel ignored.
Being spontaneous, does he do it too? I don't know. Things that I ask him, he will be spontaneous if he likes it. Well, toleration is crucial. He mentioned that if I'm spontaneous, he will be romantic. I doubt that actually. He is never those really romantic kind of guy. Like Charles, his boyfriend get him a soft toy when he get back to KL from his business trip. That's sweet.
Well, I shouldn't compare I know. I'm just giving a picture of what is romantic. You will do small little things to keep that someone feels that he is very important in your life and you treasure them. It might be small, but it's memorable. Other than small gift, it can be some trip, something that's memorable.
Seriously speaking, I know we won't have that. I've never go anywhere further than Klang Valley with him other than business related issue. Never been to places like Port Dickson, Melaka, Ipoh, Genting, Cameroon, iCity, Look Up Point, etc. I found that my memories with him rotate around gym, malls, restaurants, cinema, sauna, facial and spa centre, and church.
Lately I know that he found some revelation with God to walk to Christian path. Because of this, it does positively and negatively impact us. Positively, he is more loving person than before and he seems more monogamous and committed in the relationship. However, sex life become very dull to the extent that we haven't have sex approaching 2 months. We have no sex life, no fulfilment of sexual needs.
I know that he tried his best for me, but I just need him, to be proactive and makes me feel that he does want to spend time with me. I don't hope he just expect me to be with me when we both free and forget when we are caught up with our stuff. He is doesn't seems to able to do so, so be it. Like he have time to spend with me those important dates.
I believe I never fully understand him. He changes his idea, plans, etc. at a given period of time. That's all I know. Other than common things that he likes to eat, to drink, and hobbies, I found that I don't know much about his life. He seldom really talk to me about it.
Whereas me, I think I share so many stuff with him whether directly or indirectly about what I like and doesn't like. But it seems that he doesn't get it or perhaps always forget about it. I'm getting used to it and I have to or else huge disappointment again. I like pastor sermon regards to relationship. In one sense, you can't hope too much from a guy. They won't able to understand you.
He was me to be spontaneous. I wanted too but if I do, can he? I'm not spontaneous because I found it hard to have his time for me. I've plan ahead in order to have a confirmed time being with him. If I don't, I worry like last time, he will just forget about me and go on with his other stuff and I'll feel ignored.
Being spontaneous, does he do it too? I don't know. Things that I ask him, he will be spontaneous if he likes it. Well, toleration is crucial. He mentioned that if I'm spontaneous, he will be romantic. I doubt that actually. He is never those really romantic kind of guy. Like Charles, his boyfriend get him a soft toy when he get back to KL from his business trip. That's sweet.
Well, I shouldn't compare I know. I'm just giving a picture of what is romantic. You will do small little things to keep that someone feels that he is very important in your life and you treasure them. It might be small, but it's memorable. Other than small gift, it can be some trip, something that's memorable.
Seriously speaking, I know we won't have that. I've never go anywhere further than Klang Valley with him other than business related issue. Never been to places like Port Dickson, Melaka, Ipoh, Genting, Cameroon, iCity, Look Up Point, etc. I found that my memories with him rotate around gym, malls, restaurants, cinema, sauna, facial and spa centre, and church.
Lately I know that he found some revelation with God to walk to Christian path. Because of this, it does positively and negatively impact us. Positively, he is more loving person than before and he seems more monogamous and committed in the relationship. However, sex life become very dull to the extent that we haven't have sex approaching 2 months. We have no sex life, no fulfilment of sexual needs.
I know that he tried his best for me, but I just need him, to be proactive and makes me feel that he does want to spend time with me. I don't hope he just expect me to be with me when we both free and forget when we are caught up with our stuff. He is doesn't seems to able to do so, so be it. Like he have time to spend with me those important dates.
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