I'm Frustrated with Myself

I'm pretty confused now. Lately I felt like so many changes in me and people around me. Am I not able to cope with it or is it out of my own principle some how. I'm having a date right now. I mean as in someone who really into dating me for relationship which I think I'm longing for. Somehow or rather something is not so right also.

I shall be happy but I'm not that thrill with it. Is it because I'm not loving that guy enough or I'm minding some of the stuff of being with him? Well, definitely some which I think matters to me is his dick's size. I'm not satisfy with him. But this can't change. Maybe that frustrates me about him.

Somehow he makes me feel bad as well. The more he tries to treat me well, the worst I feel. Like today, he texted me with some cheering SMS, somehow I feel sweet. But I felt bad at the same time. I did something that beyond my norm is to have threesome that day at sauna. I felt so weird.

I bet Douglas enjoying so much. Well, I already known him to be naughty. Maybe kinda playboy type. I used to accept him to be playboy, I mean knowing him have something with Bryan, knowing him having Keith as boyfriend yet still hang out with me closely. Somehow beyond normal friendship. I do feel like a mistress somehow. But thinking back on the ground, we had threesome with a complete stranger, I somehow felt bad.

Maybe I can't accept it somehow. Yes, it's exciting but I felt guilty somehow. Towards Leon, it's like I'm lying to him. Towards Douglas is that I felt like he is betraying Keith to a different level. To myself as I'm being such a bad boy. I'm frustrated that I'm not able to read myself. Am I doing a right thing?

Somehow I feel like I'm having so much sin. Much more to be a gay. Will Lord forgive my sin and him? I do feel that I love Douglas the most at this moment. But does this hurts our relationship if I'm not feeling so right to what we have being doing lately? I rather he fucks me than getting someone else touch him. I do felt like I rather threesome between Keith, him and me than Felix.

I have no idea what I'm thinking. I don't know why it just pop up in my mind I feel bad about it. Maybe Felix keeps texting us makes me feel bad. It seems Felix like Douglas a lot makes me jealous as well I guess. Perhaps Douglas likes him or chatting with him a lot makes me feels bad too. I think I'm crazy and emotional now..