Love Game

I guess it's either my life if curse after the relationship with Bryan or my life meant to be that complicated. I started to feel like I'm having a very complex love life for now. After breaking up with Bryan, my friend, Kelvin who is a bottom wanted to date me. I ended up trying it since I don't know how to reject him that time. At last I did reject after 2 dates. LOL.

After him, Max dated me for 3 weeks and told me that he thinks that he is a straight guy. I asked him to be himself and I stop dating him anymore and now he finally accepted himself as a gay guy and having a boyfriend already. Probably he is a bottom too, that's why make such a lousy excuses to stop dating me.

Then comes some stupid poeple such as Andy, that wanted to date but doesn't want to date me at the same time. I barely understand him. Noel, an old looking guy with big belly and half bald wanted to be my boyfriend. I guess I need not to say a thing everyone should know I can't accept it of course. Same goes to Winson, a guy from Sarawak who work in Petronas, who is already 42 this year with some muscle dysthrophy of his both legs. I think he just desperate for a lover that's why he wanted me. Micheal is another guy from Ipoh who wants to get me laid and that's it.

So, it seems that there is nobody really wants to be my lover, accept for Noel and Winson who are both old looking (look like my father) and having some qualities that I can't accept them as boyfriend. Till I meet Douglas, there is some changes in my life. I never thought that I could accept to be a third party people in my life. I do feel suffocating at times seeing or thinking where am I standing every now and then.

For instead, he is now with his boyfriend at Beijing. Seriously, I'm super jealous actually but I still remain cool (or probably I just act to be cool) and I didn't make a fuss about it because I know my stand. Charles said before, I chooses him, this path of becoming a third party (or mistress like what he said in Cantonese) is not an easy way but as long as I'm happy, then it's ok.

Thinking of that, what am I to Douglas? I know he loves me because he really did told me about it. He did give me a great birthday and I can feel his love to me. However, somehow it shows to me that I will never ever be his boyfriend. We even have an agreement that if there is someone who approach me and willing to be my boyfriend as I can own to myself, we will stop our relationship and back to friendship. Meanwhile he will still loves me as a lover I guess.

Then this early of the year, comes Eliel who wanted to be my boyfriend and that time, I almost thinking that if Eliel is the right guy, I will be losing Douglas who at that time I love him the most compare to Eliel. Well, I don't love Eliel that time, not even now but might have some feel. Anyway, after some dates, I found out that he is not the right person as he is not being very nice to me. Worst, after one arguement, he stopped approaching me already. That's the end of the story of Eliel.

Now, while Douglas is not around with me (since he is in Beijing with his boyfriend), I get to know Wayne through Charles. Charles thought that Wayne wanted to approach me so he did make some chances for us. Hewas not wrong. Wayne really do likes me and he did approach me. However, my life is curse I think. It seems like Charles said before, I might meant to be the 'mistress' kind of guy. Wayne already has a boyfriend, who is a doctor, olde than him 4 years. It's just because both of them are top which makes him started to want a bottom boyfriend.

Wayne is taller than me and having cute looking features in his 30's, a guy which I think I would be attracted to. Anyway, I guess I can't this time. He used to be a fat boy, but he keeps on going to the gym and work out to burn all the fat and now, he really look somehow cute, but no muscle mass to be seen. LOL. For him, he thinks that his boyfriend loves him as he dates him even when he is fat that time and they still carry on till now for a year and the half. He wanted both of us, but not letting each other knowing each other existance.

I felt somehow hurt in this process. I wanted to tell Douglas about it. I did tell Wayne that I'm already in such third party situation. I need not to jump from one third party relationship to another. I can't take it. However, he said he don't mind if I'm into open relationship with him. I felt such confussion right now. Accepting Wayne makes me feel jeopardizing my relationship with Douglas and I can't accomodate 2 guys at once at a time.

If I have to choose between both of them, I think I would choose back Douglas. Since the situation is harsh for me as both also I will be the third party, why don't I choose a person that I have been with so long and I'm much more secure being with than a new guy. Anyway, this new guy always call me and tells me that he misses me makes me feel like as if he is missing me all the time. Well, he is more on showing he loves me kinda guy compare to Douglas but since the situation is not I can handle myself, I rather stay the same for the moment. Hopefully I can talk to Douglas about this soon.