Last night, after been told by Doug that everything should come to an end, it does hurt me badly. I felt like unbearable kind of pain and the feeling is so hard to be explain by words. I tried to act as cool as I could but I can't stop my tears flowing especially when I was in the car alone driving back home.
I had no idea how to face him directly in the near future as I was thinking the whole night, last night. I did managed to get some sleep anyway. But I can't recall much on what he told me about when he called me in the middle of the night. Maybe my brain is not functioning so well that time.
This morning, I went to work as per normal, clearing up my thoughts and calm down myself. Luckily I have this tendency to forget bad things that happen before I wake up every morning that's make me able to talk to him at work. I was thinking if I could not even talk to him, then I will be resigning on this week.
Amazingly I am able to communicate with him. He even told me or better say he retelling me this again. He and Keith are getting back somehow and there will be nothing much change between us. This suppose to calm me down or to cheer me up I guess for him. However, I don't know why I am still not feeling the happiness moment I shall be gaining from it.
Probably what he said yesterday do leave a very huge scar to me. He has already choosen, and that choosen ones definitely will not be me no matter what. There is no if or anything (we don't talk about turning back time or if he met with me first but other than those). I am not the choosen one no matter how.
Maybe this keep on ringing in my head makes me feel somehow there is a gap. I still need time to face him the whole thing that running in my head. To make the matter worst, the job that I was assigned is completely making me go crazy. I have no freaking idea on what am I doing.
The whole export application form for me is a huge thing. Maybe the training that I expect is somehow spoon feeding a little bit and we get to know the basic before we are let to explore ourself. It turns out to be I have to learn everything myself. I wasn't taught in any sort of training unless you ask questions.
What I am facing is that my questions is not answered. They will ask me to refer to another person. I'm having this phobia in dealing with so many people. I have sent an email (even though I have no idea what on Earth I need to ask for) and I get no responce from the production team. Asking the export team to assist me whether what I need to fill in, they asked me to confirm with Douglas, and I asked Douglas, he told me to confirm with Seri. Seri also have no idea.
I'm completely lost. What on Earth I need to fill in? What is the product are we exporting right now? What is all this? Can't they at least do one form and show it to me how they do so that I can refer to that? All I have is unresolve issues. I felt somehow not comfortable working like this. Am I too relying on some standards? I think so.
Now, this come the question whether am I suitable for this job? Can I cope with the stress I am having now of not knowing whether I can perform and am I performing? I felt like I'm doing something that I'm totally lack of knowledge about. I didn't utilise any of my knowledge that I've gained from my university, not to mention from my previous organization.
Current company doesn't have a proper organization chart. I am pretty blur with everything, everyone and every issues that I need to be resolving soon. I felt so difficult to breath now. Probably Douglas going to kill me or even scold me for being incompetent. Maybe I am not the person or employee he is looking for. He might have choosen the wrong guy into his department. I think I'm better with admin than sales. Who knows? LOL
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