I have no idea why i can't take it anymore this time. I thought I can always act cool in front of Bryan and Douglas about everything in the office but then I think I can't do it anymore. Whatever it is, I think I can't stand it anymore, trying to be strong or look strong.
I can't imagine I can cry the whole journey back home today and I have nothing, not even a drop of water back home. I have no appetite to eat or drink. I just feel like everything is not right anymore. Whatever he mentioned, he promised is no longer important because he can't do it or even he forgotten about it.
Probably I have too high hope or faith in it. I love the Chinese saying, if u put too high hope on something, the greater the disappointment you will get if you don't achieve or get what you hoping. So less hope, less disappointment. Well, it's very true.
Like for example, I have nobody coming to me like Bryan, which mostly rich guys wanting to date him. I'm like rubbish at the road side, no one even wanted to have an eye on me. So having almost no hope of getting a boyfriend seems more likely happen to me. Even those who want me also those totally out of my type. I think there is no point of everything anymore.
Anyway, today we suppose to go to the gym. I really have no mood to do anything, probably because I'm emotional cause slight headache. So I decided to go back and let the two have their sweet time. I can see that Bryan still put very high hope on him. He was upset knowing that Douglas and his boyfriend have settle their problems. He seems upset about it and told me about it.
Looking at the senario, I guess I should not be in the middle of Keith, Bryan and Douglas at this time. Pain is to bear. One person's pain is better than more than one. I'm not trying to be a hero or a saint. But I believe love someone means you want him to be happy. If my existance causes so much pain to everyone, I think I should be leaving.
Which is why I left them both to be together. Bryan was thrilled that Douglas is fetching him, and that's why he didn't even think of getting into my car. He is even happier that Douglas will be fetching him back home. I admit that I'm jealous of him that having Douglas to drive him all the time. He always get to sit beside him in the car even for lunch. I don't want to fight for it. I'm too tired.
I'm planning to leave the company for good now. To be in this complicated situation is awkward yet making things more worst. I don't want to look like I'm a leech that leeching him for more benefit in the company, having him telling me that I deserve more than what HR told me that we deserve to have, wanting him to get me an iPhone, etc. I'm not an important subject in the organisation.
I should start looking for a job soon. Possible looking at insurance field again as I'm more confident in. I'm not a workaholic nor a very talented guy that can do so much to earn living good enough for myself. However life still ahead me. Till I'm no longer able to carry on, I hope Lord can take away this life of mine and let me be by His side.
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