A Tough Day

I think I had a tough day for myself. I think I can't take it. All the changes and all the things that will be waiting in front of me. I think I am not suitable for the job. I know he has a great expectation on me, but I seriously think that I will fail him. He has make a very big mistake to take me into his company.

I really feeling stress up working with him like this. Probably I can't face him as it is anymore after so many things happened. I felt somehow things change for me. Trying my best to separate work and personal issue with him is tough. I'm seriously having the full pressure working like this. Bryan is there makes me even feel stressful.

Bryan is a nice guy. I do envy on him having so many rich guy and cool looking guys chasing after him. Maybe not all but some, which is much more better than me as I have none. I wonder why not Douglas like him as well. I'm nothing much better. If I'm Douglas, I think I will choose a better guy than me, myself.

Anyway, after that Sunday, I actually feel hard to face with lots of stuff. Maybe nobody will understand me right now. I don't even know how to put it in words to spill it out and make myself feeling better. I only know that I felt like I can't breath anymore. It's torturing to think about it. We have no future and he will never choose me. I think maybe I'm giving up on thinking much about it anymore. I can't tolerate this feeling I'm having.

I guess the relationship we have right now is friendship and that will be doing much better for all of us. He wouldn't love me and only me. I also can't take it anymore of sharing someone I have feeling with. Maybe all this time I try to suppress it hard. I wanted to break down and scream it out loud.

Lord, if you do love me, please give me the strength. Guide me please. I can't take it anymore always acting strong and cry myself to sleep. I probably would not stay in the company for long. It does make me feel like I'm not doing much. Not that I don't want to learn or help out, but then I really having the pressure working in sales. I can't take it somehow. I'm much more on the admin type. Maybe I'm not fit in this field.

Even if Douglas wanted to hate me, ignore me, or even does not want to be friend with me, I think I wanted to write it down what I have go through is not a pleasant ride that I was thinking. I don't know that I'm this weak after exploring this. Although I know I need someone there to support me and I have none. Most likely I will be lonely for the rest of my life. So, I let God decide for me.