My birthday wish come true (at least of of it) which is Doug to be happy with everything that he encounter. I guess he is better a lot today as I can see. Seeing him no longer frustrated about the problem he had with his boyfriend and being happy about does make me glad but there is some slight pain I am feeling. I don't know why. I don't even recognise this feeling. I guess it's that I'm jealous.
Why am I jealous about? I usually don't have that bad feeling to intense because I know that no matter what, he is still his boyfriend and I know that Doug will always forgive him in many unhappy things that they go through. This time, I have no idea why I wanted to cry out so much.
Maybe for me, feeling bad about his boyfriend and him telling me that it's all misunderstanding makes me feel like I'm a fool in this matter.
He did asked me whether did I hope for some other outcome that makes me seems upset today. Well, I did not. In fact, I do have the intuition that they gonna get through this and I will be still the same position as always. Anyway, I'm not that important in this context. I did nothing for Doug before this. His boyfriend does probably much more than I do. I'm just a useless piece of crap that amazingly still able to survive till now.
Am I negative thinking? Maybe. Maybe I'm lack of confident. Maybe I'm lack of everything. I really feel so bad that I wonder should I turn up tonight with them for the drink? Will I embarrass myself there or being so moody or being jealous seeing them hugging in front of me? I really don't know. What I know now is that I hate myself for being emotional.
Anyway, I know I love him. I never care about being with him in this situation which does not seems to be what I was hoping for in the history. I don't know why but I just love him and I needed him so much that I can't let him go just like that. However, maybe the greatest love I can give him is to scarify myself. The most important thing is that he is happy with his life, he is bless with someone he loves, and that will be his boyfriend, which is not me.
Well, he did his best for me already and it's not fair for him and yet to his boyfriend of me being jealous about. Why do I need to trouble him so much where I should not? Loving someone is to tolerate, to care about and to understand him. That's at least I can try my best to do for him. I start to feel that my future is fog up and I don't really know my direction anymore. Pain is beyond compare.
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