Anyway, the gym session with Charles is kinda funny. I have no mood for almost anything just because I wake up with emotional feeling and I do know what is wrong with me. I do very little workout this morning except for RPM class which I am literally try to get myself settle.
Well, RPM itself also cannot make me feel settle down. I do not know whether is it because K**** is here with us or Doug is distracting me. Lets forget it. It's not important. I do not know am I feeling jealous or whatever feeling that rest inside of me. I just feels like wanted to suck it out.
Actually I am really worried that Charles is going to be mad at K**** this morning. Well, K**** did a little bit stuff that I can feel pissing Charles a little bit. I felt so bad as I am in the middle. I cannot be at K****'s side as it will make Charles even piss off or so. I also worried if I am to stand at Charles' side, will Douglas unhappy with that scenario later.
By the way, hanging out with both of them today is cool if I am totally friend of them like what I used to be for Jetky and Dennis. But this time, it is not. That makes me feel even more embarrass and odd. I felt a little hard to restrict myself, to act nothing, to avoid standing too close to him, the eye contact, etc. Seeing him having intimate moments, tease him, hugs him or things like that do make me envy of him.
I feel so bad and I am so sick of myself to put myself into this scenario. I felt like I am making him having the hard time with me as well. All this bad thoughts and feeling does contribute a little more to my "emo" right now. I am thinking that they are not going to the group tonight. Probably they will have some romantic time before he is leaving to Hong Kong tomorrow.
Shit! Am I jealous or what? Me myself have no idea. But if I am, then I am like a bitch. I should not be jealous as I know that they are couple and I am not. I am not his boyfriend and I should not be jealous. What am I doing and thinking?
Well, I recall Doug told me to get a decent guys and settle with him. I do feel it might be a good suggestion but I just realise that I might not able to do so. I love him so much that I doubt I can fall for someone else so easily now. Furthermore, I do not think that I have any qualities that capturing other guy's interest.
I am thinking that will I be alone in the future. No one seems to be interested on me, and I am so ordinary. My life is suck actually if without Doug. He did make my life change so much that I am thinking that if a day he leaving me alone, how it would be? Probably I will be the most loneliness guy living in the history (mine I mean).
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