I went downstairs to be with my sister and mother watching some HK drama and after awhile, I started thinking him again and I lose my interest to watch it further. Then climbed up back to my room and I've been rolling at my bed doing nothing.
Now, I am blogging. Thinking of many stuff. I've been thinking what are they doing right now since they are not joining the group. Well, I don't have anyone to accompany me there to the group. I mean close friends. Charles is not going to entertain me since he is not interested to join today as well. I guess he has a date or probably like what he said, he is going to accompany one of his ex-course mate since he get to KL.
So I've no other choice but stay at home. I don't think going to the join all by myself is good. I'm not close to most of them. I know a few of them, like Louis, Wilson and Michael but I can only think of Wilson and Louis will be talking to me for a bit. After that, they may just talk to the rest and I'll most probably feel left out.
Don't I have other friends? I think I do. BH is not free as he is always busy with his study and his girlfriend. This is the same goes to MC. The only straight friends that I'm still close with. They just too busy. How about my gay friends? I have no idea too. Charles is busy. Anthony is lazy to hang out and wanted to be alone with his boyfriend.
Who else? Dennis is a bitch and he is staying at Sg. Buloh. I don't think it's a good idea to ask him out. I hated him when he asks me to drive him home. James is busy and I guess he is up to something as he usually online if he is free. All my gay friends that I usually contact seems busy as I didn't see them appear in MSN. Those who seems free, they are hell staying too far away.
I found that maybe me myself is an introvert person. I don't have much friends. Straight friends seems to be really less as in those I still close with. Most of them become "Hi and Bye" kinda friends or that we will only gather up once awhile. Gay friends which I found to be more comfortable as I can be myself as well not seems that great.
Most of the gay friends I know it's either they are too bound with their boyfriend or they are staying too far. How ironic. Those who seems to stay slightly nearer to me, they are not free to entertain me or they are up to something in their mind. I don't know what I really want already. All I know is that I'm so lonely and I'm actually scare of this feeling.
Apparently, I do worried to have the same old feeling of totally loneliness. I can recall that feeling and how horrible it is to survive, a year back. I'm alone, no boyfriend, no lover, no attachment, totally me alone with no hope of someone to love me. Probably I do have people who wanted me but it's not like what you think that good.
I don't want to recall back those guys. Guys like Wilson from Sarawak, who is already 43 years old and limping? Noel, 30 plus who looks like almost 50 with his bald head? Vincent who weights 90kg yet slightly shorter than me? Or a named Vincent who is just 17? It's a disaster. It's only after knowing Douglas that changes my life. There is Eliel who wanted me past few months ago but he is no longer do.
I think staying in my room all alone really creeps me. It's like I keep thinking too many things and I wonder will I go insane one day. Like what James chat with me earlier today, maybe I'm not desperate to get a boyfriend but I'm seriously needed one. He told me that he felt that I'm the type of person that really need to be taken care of or else I can't survive. I'm thinking maybe he is right. I do feel I needed him almost all the time although I know that he will never takes me. I should be knowing this even on the first day we started all this on August 8th, 2009.
Gosh, I can even remember the date. Why am I so emotional? I have no idea myself. Somehow, I do think that I'm crazy. I always blog, it's like talking to the computer or talking back to myself. Although I know that there might be someone who reading it up like BH and you, Doug, but I still think that sometimes, you will never read it. My blog entries at time can be too lengthy like today. I guess everyone gets bore after reading it or they even stop half way.
He is leaving tomorrow and I know I'll miss him. I know he is going to get me some chocolates from HK when he gets back. I know that he will be celebrating my birthday this year but I don't know how it will turn ups to be. I don't know whether I will cry or not. Anyway, I don't know what I want from him. It's like I wanted to sing Adam Lambert's song, "What do you want from me" back to myself.
I guess for now, Owl City's song, Vanilla Twilight does sing out my feeling. Anyway, I think I should be just go to sleep and think less a little bit. After all, I guess I am going nowhere better thinking it.
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