Lately, I'm thinking that am I treating this blog as my diary. Maybe I do not keep a physical diary since Form 6, it's no longer a common practise for me to write a diary. I get use to blogging and share everything with others. Now, I tend to blog all about my feelings or things which I feel more private for myself here. I think maybe since this blog not publicly known by my friends makes me feel this is not a bad place to throw out what is in my mind or heart. LOL.
Anyway, it's not like a big issue about treating this blog as diary or not. It still remains the same as a medium for me to voice out my heart and to ease my frustration at all times. LOL. Seriously, I think I have plenty of things to write if I wanted to. But thinking of it, it seems like I'm writing an essay if I blog too much.
My mind right now is full of him. I just don't get it. Is it because I'm missing him badly now, or maybe because he is going for vacation for more than a week makes me feel like I'm going to miss him soon, which makes me wanting to see him more before he is leaving or any other factors. Is it because of the new job that I'm offered for? Anxious to see him more next time? I wonder all those possibilities.
Right now, I started to be worried of the new job I will be working soon. Will I able to cope with the working environment? Will I be able to take the stress? Am I capable to work in sales and marketing department which is not my field at all? Am I too daring to try something that I never think of? Will I succeed in the company in 3~5 years time? Will the take me as confirm staff after 6 months of probation? All these questions are bothering me.
I do at times feel how great if he can spare a night with me, just cuddling with me the whole night to give me the strength to work harder for tomorrow. Thinking of that, it strikes me today where a guy that I think he is obsess with me somehow. Maybe not to say obsess, but having some kind of affection on me. Anyway, it's been so long already. I know him even before I know Doug. However, till now he is still wanting me to meet him up if I able to.
He did call me today, telling me that he get to KL today and will be here for another 3 days before leaving back to Sarawak. Well, his job requires him to travel here and there most of the time. Yet, he did asked me to be his partner, despite that he is already more than 4o years old. Well, age doesn't really matter but he is elder than me almost 2 circles of the Chinese zodiac, with addition that he is not from here (where he always fly here and there) and he is having some defect on his lower limb. I really don't think I'm able to accept him as a partner.
Sometimes it does make me think, am I too picky or am I asking too much in a relationship? Is it the reason why till now I can't settle down with someone? I felt like those that interested with me is either they are too old physically (look) or having irritating personality. Those that I'm keen to be with, it's either attached or they are not interested. LOL. Well, it doesn't really matter at the moment. I'm still happy with how I am now. I still having him - although not exactly or fully, but I still have a piece of him. Anyway, his boyfriend have almost the whole junk of him, somehow makes me envy of him (or maybe jealous a little).
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