I Felt Bad

The conversation I had with Keith last night still bothers me a little. Throughout the conversation, I'm hiding things and lying. I mean those regarding Douglas and me. I also don't know what to believe in him. There are some that he told me seems matching with what Douglas told me but some seems more details. Sounds like Douglas is a little nasty to him in the past.

This makes me feel like I'm so much more worst to make things worsen. He told me that he pray that Douglas not to have real sex with someone else, and I did it. It really makes me feel guilty but then thinking back about it, I mean when with Douglas, I'm doing it because I love him too. Confuse kind of feeling.

It's like he is somehow cursing me (maybe a little bit indirectly) that my legs will be broken if I lied to him. Gosh, I'm lying all the time with him (not all the time but then things about Douglas and me to Keith). If I believe in curses, then I'm dead. Furthermore he makes me swear for it. It's really scary for me.

Anyway, he make me swear that what ever we talked about last night stay there. I can't share with people especially with Douglas. I'm too scare to be keep all to myself. I can't blog it in my pioneer blog as Keith may read it too. Posting it here, I know Douglas you will read it. So please do not mention this thing in front of Keith.

Like what you commented in my previous blog, play cool with it. Take it as you did not know about all this. I just hope to forget it as soon as possible. I hope that you are here with me some how to cheer me up too.

That part where he told me,
"myb i shud stop ths relationship.. all bcuz of u.. haiz.. u guys shud being together.. bless u guys.."
I'm so scare but I do have a small evil joy for a second then back to reality I know it's gonna be worst. I mean the evil joy of he saying that we (Douglas and me) should be together and he less us. I know he would not. Maybe he is testing me some how.

I do not know how is it one day when he finds out about our relationship. I do not know how to react if you ask me now. Anyway, he did say one thing last night. "Love is a game, people cheat and it's all depends on how they don't get caught cheating or doing it". Well, it sounds sad for me too. That makes me felt worst cause I'm having a small part of his boyfriend. I need some one to tell me, am I actually a jerk right now. I love you Douglas and I scares to hurt anyone. I hope you are here with me, at least I'm not dealing this alone.