Some Mixed Feeling

As usual, today is our RPM class in Fitness First every Saturday morning. Today our instructor is replaced by a guy named Gareth if I'm not mistaken. Pretty usual things as it always be, which we went for our lunch together after gym session.

However, some mixed feeling that I sensed it. Douglas is going to Australia this coming Saturday, which means I'll be bored at home and enjoying the time to miss him. LOL. Another thing is that about the his project, which he intended to hire me next year which me myself pretty anxious about it.

Apart from that, some question that he popped out as well makes me think but then at the same time make me having this mixed feeling. I recall back the time where I was at his room talking almost the same issue. We actually came out with something, where if there is a good guy come up to me, perhaps we will no longer clinging in such complex relationship.

Up to now, I still have not meet any guy that seems to be great to me, do not even mention that no guys actually wanted to date me. Well, last month there were 2 'kids' wanted to but I rejected. So the plan still not working.

Anyway, I'm feeling happy seeing him happy. Even at times I do feel jealous that he treats his boyfriend better than towards me but I understand that. Somehow or rather, I felt that I really do not mind what is actually happen as long as I can see him being healthy and happy.

At times I do think, am I being selfish. Of course, I do not have the answer. I do not know am I doing a right thing or a wrong one but I know I am doing what I think I wanted it to be. I really enjoy every Saturday having RPM classes with him and we go for a lunch after that. I enjoy the time that he spents with me.

I know the happiness for me that I am having seems to be borrow from someone without permission. It is pretty hard to explain to others how I really feel and perhaps others will think that this is a stupid thing for me to do.

Well, forget it. The more I think about it would not be getting much better. That is why I choose to let it go and enjoy every moment I'm able to spent with him. My primary objective is to see the one I love happy, healthy and successful. Seeing him meeting up all that, which makes him happy, I'll be happy too.

I'm trying to speak to God in my heart before I sleep that He will help me decide my destiny. I surrender myself to Him, hoping that he will have a better arrangement for me. Well, I'm still not that good in praying, perhaps Douglas can help me with that next time or I'll need to go to church next time. LOL.