I talked to him about this issue in my head and I also feel that he is unhappy that I'm worrying about it. What may frustrate him more is the fact he can't do anything for me. I knew it but I also can't stop thinking that the insecurity I have right now about the future.
As a Christian, I know that the bible says that we shouldn't worry too much and let the tomorrow worry itself. However, pastor also mentioned that bible stated that we have to plan our goals and future. Have to manage it well. I don't know is it due to my insecurity, I always seems to plan ahead to prepare for any scenario that comes.
I admit that I even take this relationship into calculation whether I'll be secure in it. As I mentioned, it's really beyond my control because I can't control human. He has his own free will and he is an obedient son. I don't want to sin against God to ask him to disobey his parents for me, neither that I want to lose him. However, it's never both ways.
It's either he chooses me and he will have to go through a tough call with his parents, etc. or he will have to leave me and continue his legacy. I believe that the better choice is to let me go and do whatever he loves best.
I can see that in his mother's eye at the open house that day that she is really wanting his son to get married and have grandchildren for her. I believe his father is the same. Our cell group leaders also keep on pushing him. It's very uncomfortable for me that night and I hate that I've to act in front of everyone that I look nothing and cheer along with them.
I can feel that it's not going to be long that all this will really come to the end where his parents really urge him to get married since they already suspect his sexual preference. Worst, I feel his father dislike in me. He mentioned that his father like my cell group leader. That's because he likes him as the son of God and he will spiritually feed Douglas. But me, I'm draining him away from God or something.
He is so involved in church and other business. Soon, all these will ask him about getting a girlfriend or wife. I thought that he will be pressured. But in the contrary, I'm feeling it too and it's really heavy. I'm feeling guilty that I'm causing him so much trouble and I can't take the pressure of being someone to be pointed at. I think I've failed to be his only sole life partner on Earth.
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