Once again I felt a deep phantom cut in my heart of lies. Isn't hiding the truth is a lie too? If it's not, then what is it? Finding out the truth is it stupid things to do because at the end, you are the one who get hurt.
I always think that I'm not doing well enough for him because he always have his time for so many other stuff than prioritise it for me. Everything I talk about the time that we spent together, it seems that he use it so much for me and he has barely has time for himself and his friends.
But in the contrary, I felt that I don't have much friends to hangout with yet he has plenty just that is from different group of people. There is just so many things that I don't agree with him but I give in because I don't want my little expectation ruin the whole thing.
Every time that I'm getting those flirts from some other guy, I always remind myself that I'm attached. Indeed my boyfriend has no time for me, he is no longer as sensitive as he used to treat me, but since I chooses him, I've to put my heart on him, not those other guys.
Indeed there is always the time I feel and ask why can't my boyfriend be more sensitive, more caring to my needs (emotionally not just financially), etc. Why can't he be like Andrew that treats him boyfriend like a family, always by his side. Why not like this guy or that guy? But I know I can't compare.
When I needed him, he usually wasn't there by my side. Somehow I'm kinda last one to know his plan and his whereabouts. I'm actually tired of this treatment when I'm treated merely like a friend kind of feeling. He will definitely defend about it.
I mentioned to him before, even pastor mentioned before that for a relationship to be stable, friends support is very important. But then he never really enjoy having time with my friends, doing the things we do. He also almost never have his friends to have time with us. I'm merely someone he needs when he needed someone.
Those feelings is really crappy. Of course he will say that what I think and not the fact. He will proves me that he tried his best to spend time with me, his best to have friends to hangout with but he doesn't have friends, etc.
What is the worst feeling ever this time? He intentionally lie or hide the truth that he did cam-sex with a guy that I know. It just happened 3 months ago. How hurtful can I get when all things add up to be. I felt like everything to happened around me is just lies after lies.
That time, he told me that he is under going abstinence and he don't wanna lay his hand on me. We have no sex for that whole month. Not to mentioned that he gave me an expensive watch prior to that as gift. So all this is to compensate his wrong doing of cheating?
He told me all the time that I'm lucky that he has turn a new leave, turn to be a loyal boyfriend. He even mentioned that on when I don't know how to speak to him about this cam-sex cheating issue. If so that he is trying to prove, by cheating but yet claim himself loyal, I'm so out of word.
The cut is so deep that I don't even know how to forget this pain the next day. I don't know how he can look at me like nothing has happened. The wound is deep because not that he cam-sex with that guy but in fact he lie to me and can pretend that he is not that person. Can I still trust him?
God is loving and kind. But why God let this happen to me? I thought God wanted to use him to spread His love, but he spread sorrow to my heart. Maybe God use him for everyone else and not for me. I might be the person that bring him back to God but God doesn't fancy me so much.
I'm such a pathetic lover perhaps, I don't deserve a love life that really grow eternity. Love is a painful, scary thing that I began I lose grasp on. Maybe I doesn't deserve love from others. Only my family left for me now. I don't think God will grant me that wish to have a family of my own. The wound in my heart just unbearable.
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