I reckon why my superior is pleased with my colleague. Although they have nothing much to talk about as he mentioned, but I think they can communicate. I think my superior likes him at work quite fair bit. He didn't comment too much about him Facebook'ing, whatsapp'ing, tweeting, surfing football news and checking movies online, watching manga online, etc. He thinks he can do his job, that's matter.
I think I'm started to be useless in the department soon. What's the point of me aiming for a new level or position in the company? Someone almost same level as me, just the title is lower in term of seniority having more recognition than I do. Well, the job scope is really up to my superior. Maybe I'm still in the company because I'm his boyfriend only. Perhaps I'm no longer useful to him in the department.
It might be something that he found in him that I don't have. Probably brain, so decision making power. It's not that I don't want to take decision, but the decision I made, always doesn't seems to be a priority to the company. I think I'm useless to this industry already. It's just too bad I can't afford to run my own business only.
He always mentioned that he don't have friends. I don't know how to define this. His list of friends is much more than I have in Facebook. But he consider those he meet up, not those keep in touch in cyber space. I do have a few friend to hang out, but I don't have friend to catch up in cyber space. He can spend most of his time whatsapp'ing all his friends, what can I do? I'm just lonely.
For now on, I think I have to start learning how to be lonely or alone. He already started demanding for more private space. I guess he meant that I'm taking too much of his time. Well, Monday we spend badminton together with a bunch of friends where we can't be taking much of our stuff. Tuesday like today, he rarely spend time with me, it's his personal time. Wednesday, mainly we spend it for our Bible study. Thursday, he has his church ministry study. Friday, we have cell group together where he will spend most of the time chatting with other cell member. Saturday, we only meet for lunch then church. Sunday, rarely we hang out.
I don't know is that taking too much of his time? If so, I think I don't want to hang out too much with him already. Badminton on Monday is consider accompany me already. Seeing him on Friday for cell group also consider, inclusive of Saturday seeing him for church services. I think there is no need for private time for ourselves unless he wants it. I give back the time he thinks he needs it for himself and for his friends.
I think I will have to live my life to be stronger to be alone. He won't have the time to spend it with me as he used to be already. There is no more movie date, no more hang out for gym (which I can't afford it), no more dinner date unless necessary or special occasion.
I just don't understand him. Everything I do seems to be wrong to him. Everything I do seems about myself only, not about us. Maybe I'm a selfish bastard that doesn't seems to take others priority. Lord, am I asking too much from someone that I love of their time?
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