The late conversation with my boyfriend regarding our relationship lately makes me really think and consider what am I doing and what I need to do to work this relationship out. He already stated that I'm possessive and demanding where I thought I'm being normal or average. I'm trying now to ignore all my disappointment I get when I'm not pleased with him but I'm struggling to handle my emotion.
Like today, I'm feeling really emotional at work yet pressure and stressful. When I faced a problem beyond what I can put an advise to my staff, I seek his help and there are some issues that I need to sort out with him. I understand that he hires me to solve problem. But I really feel demotivated when he just throw it back at me when there is no solution. I tried to solve it but then the other parties give me another problem. Well, I'm not going to talk about work here.
Main point is I feel that I can't control my emotion well enough. I don't want to feel sad and disappointed of wanting him to spare more time with me and he can't make it for me. I don't even want to feel bad when he doesn't seems to understand me or sensitive about how I feel. I find myself have to ignore him or even have to treat him like a friend instead of boyfriend in order to avoid feeling bad.
I don't know am I running away from the problem or not. I believe that he will not happy about what I feel here or talk about. I don't even know what I can do to ease the condition. I'm worrying that this will worsen my relationship with him. I do feel like giving up of all the pressure I'm gaining recently.
Minor issue like I didn't notice that he is on the phone and still talk to him seems to piss him off. He confronted to me but when I'm at the bad condition. I'm already so forgetful to dress red for the service due to rushing over and I have to walk alone in the dark like 500 metres away from where I parked to church, where I'm afraid of the dark. I just don't know he understands me what I need at times. Maybe I don't understand him back as well.
This Chinese New Year, he didn't even notice that I've told him that I'm going to Penang for family vacation. I've mentioned to him twice before that but he just thought that I'm saying it only. So this festive season, I will be visiting no one except on Sunday if my church mates are going to my cell group leader's house. I'm not going to think about this lousy festive season that I will have this year.
I think I'm not at the bottom of my life, but I'm neither at the top. The stress that I gain from work, the problems I face daily, I do think of resigning as I don't know how am I able to grow anymore. In relationship, I also don't know how to grow the relationship. Maybe what he wants is different from what I want. I just want a simple love life but loving him is a complicated task.
Lord, I pray that You will guide me. Show me the way, guide me on what I should do and strengthen me. Grant me what I what I deserved, what I longing for if it's Your will. I don't know what else I can do. May You lead me to my destination. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment