Although I'm attached, I've a boyfriend, but I'm still feel alone very often. The time I have with my boyfriend is a lot yet little. I see him almost everyday yet we are so far.
We work together in the same company, thus seeing each other everyday is common. We attend the same church too. When I tell it to my friends, they all say I'm lucky. But when I explain the scenario, it wasn't that pleasant as they think as well.
Although I see him everyday at work, but work is work. At office, I've to treat him like any colleagues in the company to prevent suspicion. It's really hard to put on that stupid mask, pretending that we merely just friend and colleagues and nothing else.
After work or off work, he is so devoted to church and other commitment. Like Wednesday and Thursday are his bible study day. Friday is our cell group gathering and only Saturday is where we usually go to church for service.
Monday is the day usually he will spend to play badminton with me. But recently also we didn't go for 5 weeks of badminton. So, we just leave it. Tuesday I'll have to spend time for my sister to tutor her on her studies.
Looking at the whole week, basically is all occupied, but not alone for me, but with a lot of other people and I'll have to put on that stupid 'mask' and keep on pretending that we are couple.
I'm really tired and I felt really lonely inside. He has all the time for church and God and what-so-ever, but he really has very minimal time just for me. Usually the time he spend with me, there will be tendency that he is catching up with something or someone.
I felt that we began to have lesser and lesser time together. We are like getting further and further. I felt there is a gap between us. A gap that I can't see but I know it existed already. I began to not understand him and he seems to be less sensitive to me. But I usually feel that he is more sensitive to others.
Well, maybe all this is my problem. Because I'm the only one sulk at it and wasn't happy about it. I don't think he feels that is much a problem between us. Well, we began to have less communication already. He will probably think we still talk. Yes, we do talk, but no longer deeper conversation.
He is now full with his work and church. I feel I'm getting really far and started to be out of place. A feeling of fear when one day, he will be someone great at work and church, and no time for me at all. Furthermore, all this fame he earns, soon I find it that I'll no longer have a stand in his life.
At this moment, I've no friend to share with about my life, either happy or unhappy. He is always complaining about me talk about my stuff, either saying I'm draggy or he just wasn't interested at all. I'm also tired to explain all these things to him.
Is this going to be healthy in a relationship? What is happening? I'm fucking hating myself for being helpless.
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