So, what is the basic of love or the fundamental of a relationship? I think this is something that I need to learn and experience. The significant of love that I experience so far is pure heart, trust, and sacrifice. In all, the return is great love, either from your partner, or family. Even all this you fail to experience, there is still the love from God.
This past 5 months, I grow spiritually in my walk with God that I've never dare to take. It is so much debate in my life that halt me to do so like my family, where my mother is not very supportive in term of me taking up Christianity, of me being scare to enter a church full of people (stranger) that I don't know and lack of security.
Before I walk this walk, I did pray that Lord will show me a way out someday that I can finally run out of the tunnel of despair, of darkness that I can't understand. Knowing someone that capture my heart is not easy, especially after being hurt and scattered my heart to million pieces. Worst of all, I met with a guy that has a boyfriend that time and he is a player.
Eventually, I started my journey as a believer without I noticing it. Thinking it back, I'm basically can't recall how I started my journey. What I know is I need to seek for some sort of security and I didn't manage to get it through what I used to believe. That's how I started to seek Him. I was challenging Him to show His mercy on me if He is real to give me a secure relationship.
I was still very much attached my current boyfriend where that time, he is just another player and we were merely best friend and sex buddy. He never treated me as a boyfriend and I never dare to dream that I'll be his boyfriend. But in my heart, I just love him and I don't know why. It's really hurt that time but I kept praying for miracle to happen to me, not making him my boyfriend but someone sincerely want to be my boyfriend.
Cut the long story short, many things happened and we finally becoming a couple. Initially, it's quite bitter for me as he is very much still a player. At that point, I was thinking that maybe God really hates me. He just loves to fool around with us. But finally, I understand that God also want to test our patient with Him, believe in Him and never stop praying even no matter what happened.
Just after one month of our relationship, we found a church to attached with. It's more like he find it for me as I told him I need a church. I can't understand why at that time I will say that. Throughout the first month we together, it's bitter sweet for me as I've to bear with him having fun around. But after the new church we attend together, he changes a lot. He no longer fooling around and fear God so much that I almost at time think he is like a monk or going to be a priest.
There is a lot of changes in my life and thank God that He is always there for me to help me with my issues. He brings back a very best friend of mine, Boon Hein to be there to hear me out when I wanted to spill out all my frustration and sadness.
Having to say that, doesn't mean that God gives me everything now and it's heaven on Earth already. I believe He still has many things to test me, many things to make me learn and that's why I still have sadness, and every little things that I'm not happy about.
Yesterday, during my cell group fellowship, I believe Lord want to make me realize that man like entertainment and women like affection. Being me, a gay bottom, I'm kinda half on both sides, and I believe I love affection. That's why whenever I feel that he is caring others more than me, I'm emotional. Whereas his entertainment are his political stuff, his friends, his ego, and his passion to preach about God.
I remember I watched a clip on YouTube, two very huge size, chubby man celebrating their 2011 Christmas at home and one of the guy propose to the other guy. Although they doesn't look like top model or hunk, but their love is real. I don't know what is the future holds for me and I can't prophecy what is next. I can just pray that with His grace, I need not to be alone without someone physically there for me till the end of my life. I hope I can walk my life with someone I love and who love me back till the end of our journey.
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