Confused but Still Goes On

I don't know is it right or wrong to keep on going with Douglas. It seems not morale to be with someone that already attached but I just can't help myself stop thinking of him. So many things happened in such a short time. Even just yesterday alone is such a deep thing to me. A simple dinner, an uneasy one yet so not myself.

We met at Chili's, Mid Valley at 8.30pm yesterday for dinner (Douglas, his boyfriend (Keith) and me). I just don't know how to express myself here as well. The entire time there, I'm so not myself. I'm such a lousy actor. But Douglas told me I'm able to fool Keith (or maybe he just act that he knows nothing, and I don't know which one is the real thing) about us. Yes, I did jealous, I did feel uneasy but I just dare not to do anything. I already know this is happening. I wasn't so happy but I'm still loving him. I hate myself loving him as making things so complicated. The worst is I actually don't think about myself but thinking of him. I only worried that what if Keith knows it, what will happen to Douglas. I just don't want him to get hurt.

After the dinner, reached home and I text him. He didn't reply but he called me telling me he is home after awhile. Actually that time my heart melts back because he called me. But then when we was to shift from phone to Skype, his boyfriend called him. I did get jealous again. But the moment he called me through Skype, I totally forgot about it. Guess I do love him really. But maybe this is the time I really get to love someone that deep in such a short time. Being so irrational, just like the song sang by Celine Dion, 'The Power of Love'. We chatted for 2 hours but I felt like just half an hour like that. Time really passes us so fast when great time is around us.

I don't dare to hope anything from him as I know, right at this moment, all he can give me is to miss me, think of me, cares me and some time spending with me. I'm still can't compare to Keith and I even not to compare with him. I'm still me, Terence and all I can do is to love him in my heart and asking nothing in return. Not even dare to ask him to love me. For instance, I did slipped my mouth saying, 'I love you' to him. I wanted to ask him back, do he loves me, but I just dare not to do so. What if he tells me he did not or he tells me that he definately love his boyfriend more than anyone? Even if he says that he loves me, should I be happy for it? I don't know. So I just let it be naturally and just follow my heart. If my destiny is so, I can't do anything also. Just accept fate.

If you reading this, which I think you might, I just want to say I do love you. I might not dare enough to say this to you as you already have a boyfriend, but I really did. I didn't ask for anything in return although I did thought of it. Right now, I just hope that we both are happy with each other. That's all I'm hoping for although it sounds like I'm like 'mistress' to your relationship.