Lost Direction

I am wonder am I losing my direction or not. I used to be thinking that or hoping to get a decent boyfriend and settle myself to that person and that is it. The previous me, I will try my best not involving myself into anyone's relationship. However, I am now stuck in between Doug and K.

Although it does feels like I am against my own principles, but I do not think I regret doing so. I do really love him which makes me do such a big drastic changes perhaps. Never in my life did such big changes.

Knowing today that I will never ever be his boyfriend does hurt me a little. Probably a little more than I can say but I think I can bare it. I did expect the answer anyway. It's not that I am not prepared for it. I knew that I will never ever able to replace such an important places or him in his heart.

He did told me that he prefers to keep me in this way, at least we are still friend no matter what. He do not hope that we will ended up hating each other or not talking to each other is something bad happens. Frankly speaking, I do still prefer if he can take me as boyfriend than not as one.

For me, no matter what, which I think would not be much worst than what Bryan did to me previously, I do not feel that I will be hating him or not talking to him. Maybe my thought is just simple. I thought that if I love that person and he likes me, we can be lover or in relationship. Even if relationship does not work out last, we can still be friend.

I always do so and I do. A few of my ex-lover to turns out to be my friends or even to be my so called brother although they would like to spent more time with their new boyfriend or even going for their dates than hang out with me most. LOL.

I know that he will be reading my blog as he always do. I just want him to know that I did not mean to force him to do anything to pleased me about this issue. I just wanted to blog it to release what is in my mind. I know he will only treat me and be my friend and not more than that even thought we are not normal friend.

Whatever it is, I am glad to know him and I am happy for all the time that we have been through. However, I just have a feeling of that I am losing my direction a little bit. Maybe I am thinking too much too. What will I ended up later in my life? Will I be alone when I grew older? Am I still single when I am at the age of 30, 4o or even at 50? I guess I have to leave this to God.

Now, I just hope to cherish every bits of my life where he still around with me. I am better after crapping it out here. It's not a really big matter. I know he will say I am simpleton that never say NO or probably to easy going. It's me, and probably that make him likes me in the first place. LOL.